The Life and Death of Eli and Jay

by Francis Gideon

  "Yeah. No one."

  "Huh." Jay paused. It wasn't a judgemental or an angry noise. It was like learning something you had never known before, but didn't know you needed. Jay didn't spend too long on it, his face revealing nothing, either. "Turn around. I'll rub your back and maybe you'll feel better."

  Eli swallowed hard. He turned around in his seat, facing the window that looked out at the city. He wasn't even that scared of the thunder anymore—but the revelation that had just passed between them and what would be done with it. As soon as Jay's hands touched his body, he felt the cooling ease of skin on skin, and the care within Jay's palms.

  "You didn't know?" Eli said after a while. It was clear what he meant. Jay seemed to have never left the topic in his mind, either.

  "How was I supposed to, Eli? I was a kid then, too. Kids get and stay mad for stupid reasons."

  "I know… I just thought it was obvious to everyone. I've never dated anyone."

  "Yeah, people notice that on the rez. It's treated like gossip anytime something happens, so the absence of something is equally noteworthy. But you know, some people just aren't lucky. I don't think people realize it can be a choice."

  "It is… more or less."

  They drew quiet again. Jay's hands moved around the small of Eli's back, over his shoulder blades, and pressed at his spine. Jay wasn't doing much, but the pressure from his palms was a presence, a persistent force that they were not alone. And for once, maybe Eli didn't have to feel alone either.

  "Did you mean what you said before?"

  "About…? Oh." Jay paused, his hands up by the nape of Eli's neck. "Of course I did. If you want to come, I'd be happy to have you."

  "Even knowing what you know now?"

  "That you don't want to have sex with anyone? Nah. Why should I care? It means you won't be bringing a girlfriend around."

  Eli paused. That isn't it at all. Jay didn't get it and Eli couldn't hide his disappointed in the slump of his shoulders.

  "Or boyfriend?" Jay added, feeling the flinch. "Wait. If you don't like sex, does it still mean you like people?"

  "I… uh. I've always liked people. I even wanted to do things with a few of them. I just… I never wanted sex."

  Jay's hands moved slower and slower. "You like people?"

  "Yeah. A few. Not a lot, but some."

  "Like who?"

  "Mrs. Cherry."

  Jay laughed, patting his skin softly. "Yeah, who didn't? I even liked her when I was young. Who else?"

  Eli shrugged.

  "No, no," Jay said, slight tease in his voice. "You don't get off that easy. I'm pretty much rubbing your back now. This isn't even about the storm anymore. You should tell me who they were. Come on, E."

  "Fine," Eli said. He turned around and stared at Jay. "If this is about exchange, then I'll rub your back."

  Jay's eyes flickered. His stare was intense, and so was the smile that came on his face. He tugged off his t-shirt and discarded it on the ground before sitting in front of the window that led out to the farm house. When Eli still hadn't moved, Jay glanced over his shoulder with a wink. "Come on, now. Show me what you've learned."

  Eli's words had been playful before, like Jay's, but now they had an edge of seriousness to them. Eli hadn't touched someone like this—never before. But there was something so pleasing about skin on skin. When his fingers grazed Jay, he felt something inside of him shift. Not desire or arousal, but belonging. Each time his palm held Jay, he got a little less afraid. He no longer thought about the wind or even the rain. He just thought about Jay—and maybe, someday, a road ahead.

  "You sure?" Eli asked.

  "Sure about what? Leaving? Always. I don't do anything unless I've thought about it a lot."

  "Oh." Eli felt a chill run through him. He moved his hand over the nape, then the shoulder of Jay's body, and then down Jay's arm. Jay held onto Eli, their hands interlocking. The shock returned to Eli's body, like that first time during the winter in Jay's house. Jay ran his thumb over Eli's hand, then pulled him closer. With Eli's chest pressed against Jay's back, Jay kissed Eli's fingers, each knuckle, before he turned around.

  "Who was the other person, Eli?"

  "You."

  Jay smirked. "I thought so."

  When Jay leaned forward and pressed their mouths together, Eli wasn't afraid. He didn't pull away and didn't think it was gross. Jay knew now—he knew the ending that Eli wanted to avoid. He didn't like sex, but he did like people. Especially Jay. He had always known he liked the way Jay looked, the way he talked, and the way he told stories. But now he knew he also liked Jay's hands on his skin and his body close. Jay's lips were pretty good, too.

  "This okay?" Jay asked, pulling away after the first kiss. It was longer than a peck, but still not long enough yet. Not for Eli.

  "Yes," Eli answered breathily. He leaned forward and waited for Jay to kiss him again, short and quick.

  "You just don't want sex, right? That's the thing that makes you stop?"

  Eli nodded.

  "That's okay. Sex is overrated."

  "Really?"

  "Yeah. People tell you it's like lightning, shaking the world. But I always liked the after parts of sex more, when you're just in bed and talking. Except that everyone I liked seemed to want to leave right after sex. Or just bought cigarettes."

  Eli understood now what had really happened with Mark. He hadn't been around for the times Jay was at his best, and because of that, Jay never wanted to even bother. Eli linked his hand with Jay's and moved closer. "I'm not going anymore."

  "No kidding, right? We can't!" Jay laughed and then moved in for more of a kiss. This time, their mouths opened and Eli could feel Jay's breath. Jay's heat. Eli trembled slightly under the sudden touch, mostly because he had built it up inside his head for so long. As Jay shifted, he moved his body in between Eli's legs. The action caused his breath to rise in his throat, but not to stop. Jay pulled away first, his hands on Eli's sides.

  "Still okay?"

  "Yes, it's okay. I… you're asking me so many questions."

  "I just want you to be okay."

  "Just because things are different doesn't mean they have to be hard."

  "You're right." Jay kissed him again, then leaned close to Eli's ear. "I love you."

  Eli wasn't sure he had heard Jay right. He paused, going over the words in his mind again. Even if he had misheard him, Eli still knew the right response. "I love you, too."

  Eli could feel Jay's smile as they kissed again. Jay's fingers came up to touch Eli's cheek, then down to his neck as he held their faces close. They pressed their lips together, mouths warm and comforting, as their bodies moved close, too. Jay broke the kiss up frequently, but always came back. He kissed in quick movements like small kids did, then pressed for more in other moments. All the while, his hands moved back to Eli's back, so he could comfort him the way he had been. Eli tried to do the same to Jay, but it was harder. There was a lot of coordination in kissing, he realized. Noses got in the way, so did hands and elbows. And with their long hair that was still damp in places, it was even trickier. Eli knew he still had a lot to learn. With no end in sight, Eli hoped there would be more time.

  "Good?" Jay asked, pulling back. His lips were darker now in the moonlight, and Eli could feel the flush of his face.

  "Yeah, still good. You don't have to ask."

  "I meant the storm. You're okay?"

  Eli paused, hearing the rain for the first time in a while. He groaned.

  "Shhh." Jay moved his hands up and down Eli's back again. "You're going to be fine."

  "Why would you even want me around?" Eli asked, half-whining. "If I came with you? All you'd do is comfort me."

  Jay smirked—Eli could hear the laugh in his breath. "You say that like it's a bad thing. Like I don't like comforting you, touching you…"

  Eli turned to look up at Jay. When their lips met this time, he allowed for their tongues to touch. It was warmer than anything he'd experience,
and not gross—not at all—especially now that there was no risk involved. Jay moved slowly against him, his lips and tongue gentle, but not persistent. When the kiss ended, Jay's hands touched along Eli's collar bone. He combed his fingers back and forth, down under Eli's ribs, and then by his mouth again. Each small touch unleashed another calming wave through Eli's body.

  "Thank you," he murmured.

  "For what?"

  "For understanding. Not pushing."

  Jay smiled. "You should know me by now, Eli. I won't do anything you don't want. Especially like this."

  "But everyone else wants what I don't want."

  "How do you know?" Jay asked. "Have you met everyone? I used to think I was the only one, too. But maybe you're more common than you think."

  Eli swallowed. He had never considered that. He just knew the people around him, what he saw out his front window, and what he saw on TV, when he could get the reception. People liked people, but too often, they wanted the relationship to end in sex. The fact that he and Jay could be like this right now, their shirts off and bodies touching, and comforting each other—that was so foreign, it was like a new concept. It was all Eli had ever wanted, but didn't know the words for yet. Didn't know he could have without caveats or compromise.

  Eli kissed Jay this time around. Jay seemed startled, but soon breathed him in deeply. When Eli broke away their lips, but still didn't move from his face, Jay tilted his head to kiss Eli's neck. "This okay?" he whispered.

  Eli nodded and swallowed hard again. He felt Jay's lips all around his Adam's apple, and the soft skin below his ear. It made him feel arousal—sure—but that arousal didn't spring him into action. It was the same way nature carried on: because it had to, because it was triggered, but Eli liked knowing that he couldn't help his erection. It was just there, present—like Jay's, too, he could feel—but they didn't have to do anything. As soon as that pressure was removed, Eli could just let the small things go that he couldn't control, and keep going with what he did like.

  Eli linked his fingers with Jay's and pulled him close. Jay's body moved heavily, until he was on top of Eli's chest, his legs on either side as Eli lied down. Jay's eyes got an odd expression on them—Eli soon learned it was arousal, followed by confusion.

  "Okay," Jay said, his lips close to Eli's ears again and his hands on his chest. "What do you want me to do? I need instructions."

  "I… I don't know." Eli paused.

  "I'll do or not do whatever you want, E. It's up to you."

  "What I want sounds stupid."

  Jay nudged his nose on Eli's neck. "It's not stupid. Probably not. You just have to say it."

  "That's not much confidence," Eli said. He felt Jay laugh—his breath on his ear and their chests touching—and that pang from before came back. "I… I want to hold you as close as I can."

  "Okay." Jay moved his arms around Eli's body, holding him at the small of his back. He pressed tightly, like a hug, then kissed Eli's lips quickly. "Like that?"

  "Yeah." Eli moved his hands up and down Jay's body, feeling every inch of him that he could. When he got to Jay's ass through his jeans, he went over it without thinking. His ass was like his back, his arms, his hands—all Jay and all he wanted to touch.

  "Sorry," Eli said as soon as he realized how long he had been on Jay's butt. "I don't want to be confusing…"

  "You're not," Jay said, kissing him quickly. "You're just figuring things out. I'm okay with that."

  Eli nodded, then pressed Jay to his mouth again. He could feel Jay's hips respond to the kiss, rocking into him, then stop, as if they were shocked. Eli felt confused, mixed up in two places at once. He almost wanted to have sex in that moment, if only because he worried that was what Jay wanted then, too.

  "You know, I've masturbated before."

  "Oh?" Jay said, laughing a little.

  "Yeah. I know it feels good. I know what it's like. I don't mind doing it. I probably do it a lot."

  Jay laughed. "Okay, okay, I get the idea."

  "Sorry. I just know that… you probably want it, too."

  Jay's eyes softened. He traced his thumb along Eli's mouth and then kissed him again, long and slow. When he pulled away, he nestled his head under Eli's chin. For a moment, Eli wondered if he had gone to sleep. He trailed his hands up and down Jay's back, and knowing how late it was now, didn't blame him if he did.

  "You know," Jay said suddenly. "I was thinking about what you told me. The day you came to her funeral."

  "Oh?"

  "Yeah," Jay said. "You said she couldn't know her own death—even if she had visions—because it wasn't hers to know. It reminded me of something she told me when I was young, and told me the story about the trains." Jay took a deep breath, one that Eli felt tremble against his own skin. He moved his hands to comfort Jay as he continued to speak. "Our birth and our death are the two most important events in our life, right? And yet, they are always told to us by other people. Your grandma tells you you're a lightning baby, and my sisters have a million stories about being born in the snow, or in a car. I have my train story, and in a way, I have my grandma's story, too. I didn't think that was fair at first—that I have her death and she had mine—but I get it now."

  "You do?" Eli asked. "What does it mean?"

  "I think it means that the things that shape us are given to us by others. And because of that, our identities are gifts. A gift that we share with the storyteller, as much as we can with others or by ourselves. I used to think that if I knew my birth and my death, well, then, what else was there? But that was wrong, too. Everything from birth to death may seem like it's a straight line, but it's really all over the place. We may have two fixed points, like my trains or your lightning, but there's so much we could do in between."

  "That's... really pretty." Eli's heart felt weak, but in a good way, like from laughing really hard or running until his lungs burst. "She told you all that?"

  "No. Not all of it, only the pieces. I feel like I finally understand why she wanted to tell me my death story, even if my sisters thought she was mean for doing it so young."

  "I get it. I really do."

  "Yeah. That's why I know leaving the rez is good now. I know everything is going to be okay."

  Eli felt his heart break a little after being so strong. He wondered if Jay, with his head so close to him now, could feel it, too. "I know. I understand why you're going."

  "You do?"

  Eli nodded. There was a quiet pause, where Eli knew Jay wanted to ask him to come again. To run away with him, very literally, and become something very real, very different together than everything they had once known. But Eli didn't want to think about the future. He had just finished catching up with the present. "I'm just going to miss you when you go. I… I like what we have now."

  "Yeah, I do too." Jay traced a finger on Eli's chest, towards his neck and chin, before he kissed him. "I should have asked you sooner."

  "I should… I wish we had more time. I just… I can't go—not because I don't want to or don't like you, but I just can't decide…"

  "Hey." Jay grabbed the back of Eli's neck, pulling their foreheads close. Between heavy breathes and kisses, Eli began to feel better.

  "It's okay, you know. I understand."

  "You do?" Eli asked.

  "Yeah. It took me years to figure out what I needed. It would be unfair to make you rush through it."

  Eli swallowed hard. They continued to kiss, sometimes furiously, but sometimes quietly, as if they had more than five hours until daylight. When Jay began to grind with his hips, Eli let go for a little while. He mimicked the movement, only because he knew Jay would like it. Jay's breathing quickened, but he never stayed long. He seemed to like being quiet, just cuddling for the time being, too.

  "It's getting pretty late," Jay said after a moment. "I think the storm's almost gone now."

  "Yeah, it is. Thanks, you know, for understanding."

  "I try my best. Do you want to stay in here until
the first light? Then we can…"

  Eli pressed a quick kiss as his response before Jay could finish. If the tree house for now would be their last stop, he wanted it to last a little longer.

  "I'm a bit cold, though," Eli said. "Can I get your sweater back?"

  Jay laughed. They got up from their nest on the ground, put on more clothing, and got ready for bed. Jay leaned up against the wall that looked out towards the city, his backpack by his side. He waved his hand at Eli in a 'come here' motion, and Eli lied against his lap. Eli looked out at the farm house, towards the east, where black night sky had begun to shift to dark blue. Jay's warm hand stayed on the back of his neck.

  "You comfy?"

  "Uh-huh." Eli paused for a moment, fighting off sleep more and more. "Tell me a story."

  "About what?"

  "Anything. Tell me what you'll do when you leave. Convince me to come."

  Jay laughed, his fingers getting caught in a knot on Eli's hair. Eli liked that Jay played along, pretending for a little while that enough good words could convince Eli. "Well, I think I may be fresh out of stories, but I can tell you about where I'll eventually end up—Toronto. It's one of the biggest cities in Canada, and though I suppose I could go to Victoria in BC and it'll be a shorter journey, there's something about Toronto that I like more than anything else. There's a privacy that you get in a big city like that, you know? On the rez, there are too many people who know your name and tangle themselves with you. But with so many people in one place in a city, you just kind of fade to the background. I think… for the time being, I want to be left alone."

  "I get it," Eli said. "You sound like you've been there."

  "I have. Dad, before he left, was supposed to take me to a powwow there. We even took a plane down. But instead of the powwow, he went to a bar, and I remember walking around the city by myself. There was so much sound and light and colour—nothing like the prairies that go on for miles. After I came out of a really bright supermarket, I saw two guys holding hands across the street. People around them looked, of course, but their eyes didn't stay long. Most people didn't see them at all. It was private."