Stumbling Through

by Steve Shadow

  “Thanks, man. I appreciate it. What did it cost you?”

  “Two grand.” I sighed.

  “I’ll get it for you in the morning. All I got in the apartment is clothes.” He slid down in the chair and put his head in his hands. “Can I crash here? I’ll get my stuff tomorrow and get you your money. Think you can do me one more favor and drop me at the train station downtown? I got to get out of town. I knew this would happen sooner or later. I got lucky getting busted by a bad cop. If he turned me over to the feds it would be fucking Leavenworth. I know Judy took off, we talked about this happening and she made it clear that she wasn’t hanging around. I don’t blame her. We were good for awhile but she got her own life. I hope my shit don’t come down on your head. Watch out for that cop. They’re all bad but he’s a piece of work. Listen man, I still got some stash I could leave with you and you could send me my half as soon as I get settled somewhere.”

  I was sweating and still all shook up over the night’s events. “No, man, I’m through with your shit. It was a sweet deal but this is way too heavy for me. I got stars in my eyes from the easy money but you are in a world I don’t want to be in. That cop knows me now and I figure he’ll be watching out for another payday. I’m going straight. Just get me my two grand and let’s say good-bye.” He stared at me but said nothing.

  We caught a few hours of shuteye. The next day he got his clothes and got me my cash. I dropped him off at Union Station. We shook hands. I watched him until he entered the station doors. I drove straight home. I got in my place and locked the door. Then I started shaking again. I popped a downer I found in my coat pocket. I realized that instead of risking a bust for a small amount of pills, I was nearly caught aiding and abetting a federal fugitive. Fuck that. I decided then and there that I really was going to look for a bar keep job. Like I said, life is funny. Stuff falls in your lap and it’s good but then it ain’t so good. Well, luckily life is long enough that you can make the same mistakes over and over and just maybe, one day the lesson sinks in and you can change before it’s too late. I hope it ain’t too late for me or for Karl/Michael.

  NEITHER RAIN NOR SNOW

  I was leaning out the window on a beautiful spring day trying to get past a terrible hangover. Me and my buddy Jim had gotten wasted last night and after closing up a few clubs, we hooked up with a couple of ladies at our last stop. The two ladies were no beauties. I guess we are no prizes either but when the hour gets late and the umpteenth beer kicks in, then every one starts looking better. They invited us back to one of their homes. When we got there we mixed up a huge batch of margaritas and things looked good until the front door opened and in walked a big nasty looking dude. It turned out that one of the girls was his wife and he was not to happy, to say the least. Jim and I beat a quick retreat out of there with the other lady, a busty bleached blonde babe with a big laugh, and drove to his place. I can’t remember the broad’s name, if I ever knew it, but she turned out to be quite talented. She was ambidextrous and proved it by jerking us both off at the same time. I was worn out after a night of drinking and left her and Jim and went back to my place. Luckily I only lived two blocks away and managed to stagger home without passing out or getting picked up by the cops.

  Today I was paying the price. I woke up, took 3 aspirin and had a few cups of coffee. I was taking deep breaths while hanging out my third floor window. I saw the mailman coming down the street. When he got closer I saw that he was a she. It was hard to tell in that baggy blue-gray uniform but it was definitely a female. She stopped under my window and I yelled hello. She looked around for a few seconds and then looked up. Jesus, what a face she had. She looked like a stone meth freak with bad skin and a pallor that was scary. My head was still pounding but my crotch started to tingle. She was my kind of girl.

  “Hey, how ya’ doing?” I shouted down. “Nice day isn’t it?”

  She gave me a snaggle toothed smile and said hello. “You look like you could use something to drink. After you fill the mailbox’s come on up to 3E, I got some cold beers.”

  “Gee, that’s nice of you,” she said up at me with a heavy southern accent. “But I got to get back to the main post office after I finish.”

  “Aw, come on, you can spare a sec for a cool one. I’ll leave the door open.”

  I don’t know what I was thinking except that the idea of banging my skanky mailman got me all hot and bothered. About 15 minutes later I heard a knock on my open door. “Come on in.” I yelled.

  She came into the living room. She was a total mess. Her uniform was too big and not very clean. Her hair was all disheveled and none too clean either.

  I held out my hand. “Hi, I’m Pete. You want a beer or a Coke?”

  She took my hand and shook it limply. “My name is Lizzie. I better have Coke; I can’t be drinkin’ on the job.”

  I filled a glass with some ice and poured in a Coke. Her accent was so thick that I had trouble understanding her. She seemed a little shy and awkward. She chugged down the coke and wiped her mouth.

  “Thanks, Pete. That was mighty nice of you but I got to go.”

  “Sure, I understand. You want to get together later. You could come by here or I could come to your place. You got a car?”

  “No, I don’t. I ride the bus home.”

  “Well, tell me when you get off work and I’ll come by and pick you up; give you a ride home. Would that be OK?”

  She gave me a sheepish grin. “I guess that would be fine. I could meet you in front of the post office; ya’ll know the big one, by Lawrence, at 3:30.”

  We agreed on the time. She left trailing a bad body odor. All I could think of was the words from that T Rex song, “She’s dirty, sweet and she’s my girl.”

  I don’t know why but I was thrilled beyond belief. I got out my Nikon and checked that it was loaded with film. I wanted proof to show Jim that I had dated my mailman. I took a long shower and made my self some eggs and toast. I began stroking my cock in anticipation of this afternoons meeting. I nodded off. I awoke with a start. It was 3:15. My head was still not completely unfogged from last night. I splashed some water on my face and threw on some clothes and ran downstairs. I put the top down on my GTO and peeled out of my parking space under the building. I got to the main post office a few minutes later. She was standing out in front, still in her uniform. I pulled up to the curb. “Hey, Lizzie, sorry I’m late. You ready to go?”

  She got into the car and sat with her hands on her knees. “I don’t know about this” she said. “You sure you want to take me home?”

  “Of course, just tell me where to go.”

  “Well, I live by North Avenue and Clyborn. You know where that is?”

  “Yes I do. Let’s go.”

  She spoke with a distracted air. I couldn’t tell if she was shy or just stupid. Not that it mattered. All I wanted was my prick up her cunt and a few pictures of her in uniform with her pants down and a few of my fingers inside her.

  I found a parking spot near her building and raised the top on the car. The area was not the best so I made sure nothing of value was in the car and locked it up. She led me to a nondescript tenement entrance and then we climbed up to her apartment. She opened the door to a real dump. All she had was a table, a chair, a tiny kitchen and a lumpy looking mattress on the floor. The place looked like Raskolnikov’s hovel. I loved it. Visions of Bukowski ran through my head. I reached out and grabbed her.

  “Take that uniform off. I want you naked and on that filthy mattress.”

  She looked at me in total resignation. She started to take off her jacket but I spun her around and pulled down her pants. Her underwear was ripped and gray looking. I shoved her onto the mattress, face down. She said nothing. I ripped her panties off and lifted her up to her knees. She had hips like a teenage boy. I could smell her ass and cunt. I buried my face in her pussy and began to lick her like a dog in heat. She began mewling like a demented cat. I leaned back on my heels and looked at her. What a disgusting m
ess she was. I wanted her so bad my cock nearly shot a load in my pants.

  “Take everything off and lay back with your legs open.” I quickly undressed and got down between her knees. I leaned over and spit on her cunt. I rubbed my spittle around until she was wet. She lay there unmoving with her eyes closed. I inserted first one finger into her and then, slowly, almost my whole hand. Her cunt opened easily and she began to grind on my fingers. “Do you like it? Do you want me to fuck you, Lizzie?”

  Her eyes opened. “I don’t care one way or the other. If that’s what you want, I don’t care. This was my last day on the job, so I don’t care. I got nothin’ else to do. Go ahead, do what you want.”

  Rather than the despair in her voice stopping me, it only spurred me on. I fucked her everyway I knew how. She sort of got into it but not very much. Even when I greased up her dirty ass and shoved my cock up her she only grunted a little. I wore myself out fucking her in the ass and finally shot a load up her. I lay down beside her while my shit stained cum oozed out her ass and down the back of her legs. She was silent and did not move.

  “Hey, Lizzie. Are you OK?” She nodded and rolled over on her back. She was so skinny she hardly had any tits at all. “I’m sorry if I was so rough but you really got me turned on. How about we get cleaned up and I’ll get us some food? How does that sound?”

  She turned her head and looked at me. Her large brown eyes reminded me of a cow. Not much hope in there.

  “You don’t have to pretend to be nice to me.” She whispered. “I know I’m just a stupid hillbilly girl for folks like you to screw. You got what you wanted; you can go. I’m tired and I got to sleep. I got to start looking for work tomorrow or I’m in big trouble. I was only a temp at the Post Office and now I got no job and won’t see any money for a week. I shoulda’ never left Kentucky.”

  I sat up and pulled her up with me. “Hey, cheer up. This is your lucky day. I know you probably think I’m just some spoiled asshole out for cheap thrills. Well, I am. But that’s not all I am. Tell me; what would you like to do? Have you had any training in any field?”

  She stood up and glared at me. “What you trying to do? You fucked me and now you going to fuck up my head? Just get the hell out.”

  She began to cry. Her skinny, dirty frame shook as she covered her face with her hands. I stood and took her in my arms. I could not stand it. I began to cry along with her. I had completely forgotten about getting pictures of her. I sometimes do not understand myself. I love to wallow in dirty sex and even now with both of us sobbing, I was getting hard again. I pushed her back from me.

  “Look, Lizzie, I’m serious. I have lots of friends in a bunch of different business operations. Are you any good at math?”

  She sat back down on the mattress. “Now you ain’t just kidding with me are you? I can’t take much more disappointment. Ever since I come up north, things ain’t been going my way.”

  “No, I’m serious. Give me your hand.”

  I lifted her and pushed her towards the bathroom. It was none to clean but she had a tub with a shower. “Let’s get cleaned up and I’ll show you how serious I am. Now don’t get mad but I have to tell you. You got to clean up your act a little. You want a job you got to take care of yourself better. You know what I mean?”

  She hung her head and nodded. “I know I let myself go. I just don’t care anymore. Today was the last straw for me. You was nice and gave me a cold drink and I thought, what the hell does he want. He surely ain’t after my raggedy ass lookin’ like I do. But I guess you were. You must be some kind of sick fella’, is all I can say.”

  I laughed out loud.. She had my number. I guess I am a sick fuck. But I got a heart just like anyone and for some reason this skinny redneck got to me. Imagine me, crying over a cheap-thrill fuck. If my pals saw this I would never live it down.

  We cleaned up and after a bath and me shampooing her hair we got dressed and went out to dinner. She had put on some make up and while she was still ugly as sin, she didn’t stink. I took her to nice steak house because she said she wanted meat. She was a little intimidated by the place but I did my best to put her at ease. She must have been hungry because she ate her steak and half of mine. For the first time I saw her smile.

  During the next few days I got one of my friend’s to hire her on as a cashier at his restaurant. She did so well that in a short time she was almost running the place. We stayed in contact but my desire for her was gone. She kept thanking me and wanting to see me but I wasn’t interested. Now that she was clean and respectable I wanted no part of her.

  

  A couple of years passed. I sometimes sent her a card or a little present on her birthday. Last month she called and told me she had met a guy at work and they were getting engaged and thinking of opening a place of their own. I told her I was glad for her.

  Me, I just keep on drinking, clubbing, drugging and fucking scummy broads with my buddy Jim.

  Later that year I cried at Lizzie’s wedding; she looked so happy in her white dress. Jim told me I was acting like an asshole. Maybe he’s right.

  THE BIRTHDAY GIRL

  Be careful what you wish for. Sure it’s a tired cliché but it happens to be true. Like any guy in his 20’s all I thought about was women. Well that and music and food but women were way in front by a long margin. I did pretty well in the babe department and had my share but it was never enough and they all fell short of that perfect ideal. Like every foolish idiot who thinks with his dick what I wanted was not a real woman but some fantasy chick. A girl with money and no strings attached. I wanted a hot babe who wouldn’t say no to anything and was always ready to satisfy my every whim. Yeah, I know, I’m a shallow fool and women like this only exist in porn movies and in the wishful thinking of jerks like me. But sometimes wishes do come true.

  I was working in the admissions department of a liberal arts college in downtown Chicago. I was also getting a Masters in Latin American Studies. I had no real use for this degree but found it an interesting field of study. At that time my only goal in life was to screw as many women as I could and work as little as possible. My life in the admissions office was very laid back. My boss was a wonderful lady who cut me a lot of slack. I was also banging two of the girls who worked in the office. I knew they only wanted me because I was white but I didn’t care. This was the very early 60’s and a lot of racial crap still permeated the scene. Me, I was an equal opportunity sex fiend. I had no “type” as long as she was a she. But I found that for many blacks, both male and female, having a white person to screw was a step up. And the converse was true the other way around but in a negative way. The unspoken, unconscious racism back then ran deep even in my liberal friends. It was a strange time. The civil rights movement was gaining strength and the Black Panthers and Black Muslims were scaring the shit out of white people. Chicago was still a very segregated city. The cops ran rampant and Mayor Daley ruled with an iron fist.

  But for me this only created a musical and sexual paradise. Because the city was so controlled, a white person like me, could go anywhere without a care. I went to see James Brown at the Regal, Ahmad Jamal at the Pershing and Howlin’ Wolf and Muddy Waters on the west side. Often I was the only white person at these places but I had a lot of black friends and besides I never ran into any resentment or racism when I was in an all black crowd. I could not say the same for the reverse situation. I often took girls to McKies Disc Jockey Show Lounge on the south side to see Sonny Stitt. Just because we were white we were always escorted from our car to a prime booth. We were treated in a deferential manner which was a joke because we were nothing special. It was the music, the musicians and the genius they showered us with that was special. I went to see Miles, Coltrane, Art Blakey and so many others. Life was good and the cost to live it was cheap. However another price would be paid and paid heavily in the coming years. But that is another story; one that has not ended. This is my story and it does have an ending. Not the one I would have liked but the pipe
r often has to be paid and it ain’t always in cash.

  

  It was on a chilly, early spring day that I boarded the El train on my way home from work. I was soon to realize what should have been the crowning finish to my sybaritic life of self indulgence. I was staring out the window at the passing tenements that backed up to the elevated train when I saw, reflected in the window, a vision in baby blue. She got on the train and sat next to me. She had beautiful long strawberry blond hair. She was almost as tall as me and had what we called a full figure back then. She was wearing matching knit pants and top in a blue that shimmered in the setting suns rays. She turned to look past me out the window and my heart nearly stopped. Her lips, full and red, looked so inviting I involuntarily started to lean over to kiss them. The magnetic pull was so strong that I literally had to move away from her to stop myself.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” she said. “Am I taking up too much room?”

  Her voice had a husky, slightly sing-song quality. I turned to her and could only stare. Her eyes were a crystal, icy blue and her skin was rosy and flawless. She had a nose that looked like it had been broken and that bit of imperfection made her not only more beautiful but gave her face a quality that was almost indefinable. I was a goner; a simpering melting puddle. I had always prided myself on being straight forward with women and never feared rejection. I had a total take me or leave me attitude. There were plenty of fish in my ocean and if one got away, well there was always another. This was different. I wanted her so bad I was starting to sweat and it was not warm at all.

  “Are you OK?” She said. “You look like something’s wrong.”

  “Uh, no, nothing’s wrong. I’m fine. To be totally honest with you I’m just a little knocked out at how beautiful you are and how attracted I am to you.”