Rubicon Crossing

by Ralph Prince

  There was a brief silence before Jackie continued. “I guess Don has plenty to do with his free time, now that he’s found a concubine.”

  “Concubine?” Will repeated in disbelief. “You are jealous of Karen.”

  “I am not,” she snapped. “Don’s business is his own. If he wants to sleep with every buxom space trollop in the universe, who am I to interfere? But, if it affects his command, I have to speak up.”

  “Wait a minute, Jackie,” Will protested. “You’re blowing this whole thing way out of proportion. The captain explained what happened the other night. Karen was frightened, so he stayed to comfort her. With all that bio-mend in his system, it’s no wonder he fell asleep.”

  “What about last night?” she pressed. “You can’t blame that on the bio-mend. It’s not appropriate behavior for a commanding officer. Hell, she’s little more than a child intellectually. I’ve seen the hero-worship complex before, and I don’t want Don getting hurt. She’ll just use him then cast him away like—”

  “Whoa, I don’t believe this,” Will interrupted. “Karen may be a little naive, but I wouldn’t call her a child. Nav-Tac estimated her IQ to be—”

  “To hell with Nav-Tac!” interjected Jackie. “What does a machine know about human psychology? Karen’s a primitive. She’s not capable of our level of thought.”

  Tears began to well in Karen’s eyes at the obviously negative remarks she had overheard. She turned abruptly, colliding with the captain. Their eyes met briefly, before she brushed past him and ran down the hallway toward his cabin.

  “Karen,” he called after her. Jackie and Will both turned in response to his voice, immediately realizing what must have happened. Directing a momentary scowl toward them, Don rushed after the fleeing native woman.

  He stopped at his cabin’s doorway, his heart rent by the sight of Karen, huddled on the bed, sobbing into the pillow. Slowly, he approached and sat beside her.

  “Karen,” he said, touching her gently on the shoulder.

  “Leave me alone!” she shrieked, drawing away violently. Her eyes were dark brown with anger and pain. “I want to go home.”

  “Karen, please,” he pleaded, reaching once again toward her. She recoiled from his touch.

  “Take me home,” she cried.

  “I’m sorry, but I can’t,” he apologized sympathetically. “Another storm moved in during the night, and we can’t go anywhere until it lets up. Please, calm down and tell me what happened.”

  “Oh, Donald,” she sobbed, falling into his arms and burying her head in his shoulder.

  “It’s all right now,” he assured, cradling her gently. Her soft, warm body trembled in his embrace. “I’m here with you.”

  She looked up at him through tear-swollen eyes, her lips drawn into a pout. “Jackie hates me,” she said.

  “Nonsense,” Don disputed. “What makes you think that?”

  “She said things about me,” Karen said. “I’m not sure what all of them meant, but they weren’t nice.”

  “Look,” he said, dabbing at the tears with a corner of the sheet. “I’m sure it was just a misunderstanding. Why don’t we go to the galley? I had the auto-cook prepare a nice breakfast for us. We can eat, and you can tell me exactly that happened.”

  She studied his face intently, finding only concern and sympathy in his expression. His soothing words and gentle touch calmed her and assured her that his intentions were noble.

  “Okay,” she agreed hesitantly, “but can I get dressed first? I’m cold.”

  Smiling, he kissed her lightly on the cheek and urged her from the bed. Karen reciprocated with a feeble smile as she tugged at the hem of the thigh-length t-shirt.

  “I’m sorry,” she said softly. “I didn’t mean to yell at you.”

  “I understand,” he assured. “Now, hurry up and get dressed. Our breakfast is getting cold.”

  CHAPTER 19: Confessions

  Jackie sat on the edge of her bed, nervously awaiting the chime at her door, feeling like a condemned felon waiting for her executioner. The chronometer on her desk said she had been waiting a little less than an hour, but it seemed far longer. She had fled the bridge moments after Karen and Don, unable to face her shame and embarrassment, but was unable to escape them even in the solitude of her quarters. Will was right; she was jealous of Karen. Worse, still, she had made a fool of herself in front of everyone because of it. The chime sounded, causing her heart to skip a beat.

  “Come in,” she said feebly. The door slid aside and Don stood at the threshold. His expression was stern and his dark eyes smoldered with tempered lividity.

  “So, that’s it?” Jackie asked after an unbearably long pause, her voice cracking as tears began welling in her eyes. “You’re just going to stand there and stare at me until I whither under your silent accusations?”

  “I’m not sure what to say,” Don replied, stepping into the room, closing the door behind him. “In all my years of command, I’ve never encountered a situation like this. I can handle a hundred Quillan drones and a control ship, but this…. I don’t even know where to begin.”

  “I’m sorry,” Jackie said, her voice trembling over the words. “I don’t know what else I can say.”

  “You could start by explaining your behavior,” he said. His icy tone sent a chill through her.

  She averted her eyes from his, unable to face the accusation they made any longer. “I’m not sure I can,” she replied.

  “Then let’s start with ‘buxom space trollop’,” he suggested, slowly crossing the room to stand before her. “We can work our way up from there.”

  “Is Karen all right?” she asked, her gaze still directed toward the floor.

  “She didn’t understand some of the terms you used,” he said, his voice softening slightly, “but she did get the general idea. She’s convinced you hate her.”

  Jackie’s eyes returned to the captain, as she fought to contain her tears. “I’m sorry, Don. I truly am. I don’t suppose that helps much.”

  “It’s Karen you should apologize to, not me,” he replied. “I just don’t understand why you would say those things about her.”

  “I guess I was jealous,” she admitted. “In the four years I’ve known you, I’ve come to admire and respect you as my captain. I’ve come to trust and cherish you as my friend,” she paused. “Moreover, I’ve come to love you.”

  Don tensed visibly at her admission.

  “There, I said it,” she continued, feeling as though a weight had been lifted from her heart. It was a weight she had carried for years. “I’ve tried to make you see how I feel, but you never seemed to notice. Do you have any idea how it feels to be ignored by the person you love? It hurts, Don. At least I was comforted by the knowledge that no one else had won your heart. Then Karen came along, and you started spending all your time with her. You don’t even have an hour in the morning to workout with me anymore. It was the only time I truly felt I had you to myself.”

  She suddenly realized that was the proverbial straw. When he hadn’t shown up earlier that morning, she realized he was forever lost to her. She had taken out her rage and frustration on the heavy bag until her arms ached, but still she wasn’t satiated. It was then that she went to the bridge and vented to Will. She hung her head in shame and quietly said, “In two days, she’s accomplished more than I’ve been able to in four years.”

  “I don’t know what you think happened between Karen and me,” he said. “But that’s between the two of us. If you have issues with something I do, be it as a friend or crewmember, bring them to me. Don’t take it out on Karen.”

  “I didn’t mean to hurt her,” Jackie explained. “You’re right; I handled the situation poorly. I should have talked to you, but I felt betrayed and angry.”

  “Even before you joined the Space Force, Victor was trying to get me to meet his little sister,” Don recalled, his tone becoming sympathetic. “He was always hoping to get us together romantically. But it wasn’t poss
ible then, and it isn’t now. I know you have feelings for me, and I should have said something sooner; that’s my fault. You’re a wonderful woman, Jackie. You’re smart, pretty, funny, and compassionate. Any other man would be lucky to earn your affection, but there are things about me you don’t know; things Victor didn’t know. It could have never worked between us.”

  “Why not?” Jackie protested, her frustration building again. “Haven’t the four years I’ve wasted pining over you at least earned me an explanation?”

  “I’m your superior officer,” he said, averting his eyes from hers. “It’s against regulations.”

  “Bull shit!” she interjected angrily, rising to her feet to face him. “Vic and Inga slept together for over a year under your command, and you never put a stop to that. Obviously, the regulations weren’t that important when it concerned them.”

  “Victor and Inga?” Don asked incredulously.

  “Seriously? You didn’t know?” she asked in disbelief. “I’m not surprised Vic didn’t tell you, given how much you disliked her, but I would have thought a person who can detect a slight imbalance in the matter-antimatter mixing chamber by the feel of the ship’s vibrations might have noticed something so obvious as that. Where do you think I got half of the clothing I gave you for Karen? They were Inga’s. I found them in the boxes of Vic’s personal effects in my closet. It’s not like any of my clothing would fit her.” She gestured toward her breasts and hips, realizing that she was still wearing the form-fitting compression shorts and cropped tank top she wore when they worked out together. They served to resuscitate the pang of remorse for her actions.

  “I—I didn’t know,” Don stammered.

  “Why do you think she resigned after Vic was killed?” Jackie continued, tears starting to flow freely from her eyes again as the memories of her brother’s death resurfaced. “She was devastated by his death. She blamed herself because he took over her station to do the bypass. I also found a ring in Vic’s effects. He was going to ask her to marry him, probably when we got back to Earth. They were in love. So, don’t tell me it couldn’t have worked out between us because of some stupid regulation, when we both know your opinion of regulations.”

  “I can never give you what you want or deserve,” Don admitted after a brief silence.

  “What can’t you give me?” she demanded. “You’re practically perfect, with your rugged good looks, furtive charm, and a body Adonis would have envied. I was always afraid I was setting my sights too high. I seriously think every woman who has ever met you has wanted to sleep with you; I know the thought has crossed my mind a time or two-hundred.”

  “That’s what I can’t give you,” Don said, turning away from her and walking slowly to the armchair. He slumped into the chair with a heavy sigh. “I’m sterile.”

  “What?” Jackie asked in shock. “I had no idea. There’s nothing in your medical records about that. But that doesn’t really matter. I never wanted children, and there are always options in the event I ever did. Maybe your condition is treatable. They’re always coming up with new procedures in that area.”

  “No,” he said. “Not in my case. I was injured and there was inoperable nerve damage. It’s not only that I can’t have children, I can’t….”

  “Oh,” Jackie said, suddenly comprehending as he faltered. She sat back on the bed. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”

  “Besides,” Don continued after an awkward silence, “you’re Victor’s little sister. You’re so much like him in some ways: the way you laugh; some of your mannerisms. It reminds me of the mistake I made, and what it cost you. His death wasn’t Inga’s fault; if I hadn’t sent him to the engine room…”

  “Aside from her relationship with Vic, Inga always followed procedures and regulations over orders,” Jackie cut him off. “She wouldn’t have done the ER jump bypass, and we all would have died. You can’t blame yourself for Vic’s death. You’re a great captain, and you made the right decision; the only one you could have made to save the ship. Vic made his own decisions too. He didn’t have to take Inga’s station; he could have used Singh’s. People die; it’s a tragic fact of life and it sucks. I miss my brother every single day. Losing him was like losing a limb, but I had to move on with my life. You need to move on with your life. It’s what Vic would have wanted.”

  “Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do with Karen,” Don said pensively.

  “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” Jackie asked, directly to the point.

  “Yes,” Don answered after a slight hesitation. “I think I am. But I care for you too, Jackie. It’s just a different kind of love. You’re my friend; probably my only friend since Victor died. You’re more like family. Isn’t that enough?”

  “I guess,” she responded halfheartedly, finally accepting that they were not destined to be anything other than friends. Long ago, she had realized that was likely the case, but hearing him say it was the final affirmation. Perhaps it was for the best anyway, she thought. She hadn’t been entirely honest with him; she sincerely wanted to have children someday. Besides, she valued their friendship, and one of her previous relationships had been with a close friend. The romance ended badly, and their friendship was destroyed by it. Ultimately, that was the reason she had joined the Space Force. Maybe Don was right; why should she risk their friendship when, aside from what they already had, there was little more he could offer her?

  “Of course, you’re right,” she said, breaking the tense silence, “You’re always right. That’s why you’re in command; you always make the right decisions when it counts most.”

  “There’s nothing wrong with being friends,” Don said. “Sometimes, it demands so much more than being lovers. No matter what happens between Karen and me, I will always be your friend.”

  “I know,” she said. “I wish the best for you and Karen, but you should tell her about your problem. If she’s expecting more than you can give and you keep putting her off, she’s likely to turn into another me—but with boobs.”

  He smiled slightly at her feeble joke, the first hint of one she had seen since he entered.

  “So, are we green?” she asked, using one of her brother’s euphemisms.

  “We’re green,” he acknowledged, a sense of relief washing over him.

  “Just so you know,” she said softly, causing some of his trepidation to return. “That thing I said earlier about us sleeping together, I am an absolute wild woman in bed.”

  “I’m sure you are,” he smiled, rising from the chair and slowly walking to the door. “But, we should probably just forget that whole part of the conversation.”

  “Speaking of forgetting things, I just wish there were something I could do to make amends for what I said about Karen,” she bemoaned, the seriousness returning to her tone.

  “There is,” Don replied. “An apology would be a nice start, and I think Karen deserves an explanation.” He pressed the panel, prompting the hatch to slide open. Karen stood beyond, nervously awaiting his return.

  Jackie watched as they spoke softly between themselves. Then, with a reassuring touch to the cheek, Don stepped from sight and Karen hesitantly entered the room.

  “Please, have a seat,” Jackie offered, gesturing toward the armchair Don had been sitting in.

  “Thank you,” Karen said softly, taking the offered chair. She sat up straight with her hands folded in her lap, staring wide-eyed at Jackie as though terrified.

  “First of all, I’m sorry for those things I said,” Jackie began, hoping to make their awkward meeting as short as possible. She thought it best to get everything out in the open as quickly as possible. “I hadn’t realized you were listening, and I shouldn’t have said them in the first place. I don’t hate you. I was just jealous of you.”

  “Why were you jealous of me?” Karen asked, fidgeting nervously. “You’re so beautiful and smart.”

  “It’s because you have something I couldn’t have,” Jackie said, finding it difficult to
explain her actions. “Something I can never have.”

  “But I don’t have anything,” Karen said, not comprehending her meaning.

  “You have Don’s love,” Jackie clarified, the wave of embarrassment washing over her once again. She felt as though she were drowning in it. She held her breath awaiting Karen’s response.

  Karen ceased fidgeting and gazed intently at the lady lieutenant, as though peering into her inner soul. “Do you love Donald?” she asked bluntly.

  “No,” answered Jackie, burying her face in her hands, unable to meet the native woman’s unrelenting stare. “Yes. I’m not sure anymore.”

  A stifling silence passed between the two women, as each searched their innermost feelings. Jackie was filled with guilt and self-reproach at her behavior toward Karen. Karen was conflicted over her feelings toward Donald versus her sense of virtue.

  “I want Donald to be happy,” Karen said softly, finally breaking the silence. “If he wants to be with you, I will leave. Then, you and he can be happy together.”

  Jackie looked up again, seeing the sincerity in Karen’s tear-moistened eyes. Suddenly, she realized how selfish and petty her own desires were compared to the native woman’s.

  “You would do that, wouldn’t you?” she asked, awed by the nobility of the offer. “You would sacrifice your own happiness to make us happy.”

  “If that’s what you and Donald wanted,” she affirmed with conviction.

  “That’s not what any of us want,” replied Jackie. “You’re not the problem; I am. Don loves you, and although I love him, he will never feel the same for me. We would never be happy together. I’ll just have to learn to accept that. I’m just glad he’s found someone who makes him so happy.”

  “Jackie,” Karen asked timidly, “what did you think Donald and I did last night that made you jealous?”

  “I—” she faltered, her face reddening in embarrassment. “Nothing. It was just a foolish notion. It’s really none of my business anyway.”