The Eyes of the Doe

by Patricia Taylor Wells

  Daddy waited until Holly was close to the back door before saying anything.

  “The situation with Jake doesn’t look good,” he began slowly. “His white cell count is high, but they don’t think he has leukemia. He has lumps and swollen lymph nodes, so they want to take a look and see if there are any tumors that have metastasized. That’s about all they’re telling us.”

  Daddy seemed so lost. He kept his hands in his pockets and his eyes downcast as he rocked slightly on his heels.

  “It could be nothing at all,” Randy said.

  “How is Mother holding up?” I asked.

  “About the same as me.” Daddy sighed.

  “Jake will be fine,” Randy said, placing his hand on Daddy’s shoulder.

  “He’s never been sick,” I added. “I don’t think we should jump to conclusions.”

  “What could you possibly know about it?” Daddy snapped.

  “I just think we should take one day at a time,” I tried to explain.

  “You don’t understand. He’s my son. I want him to go to West Point. That’s all I’ve ever wanted for him.”

  “Daddy, please . . .” I choked back my tears.

  “Ross, we don’t know anything yet,” Randy cautioned. “It may not be as bad as you think.”

  “It is that bad,” Daddy insisted.

  I didn’t know what to say. I thought about how I would feel if Jennifer was in the hospital and facing something this serious.

  Suddenly, I was aware that Holly had never gone inside. I was afraid she had heard our entire conversation. Her face had turned pale. She looked so unsettled that I walked over and took Jennifer from her.

  “Are you all right?” I asked her. She turned without saying anything and went inside.

  I felt so helpless. What was I supposed to do? I was afraid of having another miscarriage. It would be selfish of me to talk about my concerns right now. No one ever thought that losing an unborn child had the same impact as losing a child you had brought full term. It was the most overlooked grief there was. There was no one I could talk to. There was no one, not even Randy, who understood that sometimes, when I couldn’t sleep, I thought I heard an infant in the distance crying for its mother. It was the small, lost wail of a child that I would never hold in my arms. It was this helpless cry rising from an empty cradle that haunted me, that made me weep into my pillow. My biggest fear was that time, after all, really wasn’t an analgesic that healed all wounds and I would feel this way forever.

  CHAPTER ELEVEN

  There are lonely places in the world, but none as lonely as the dark corners of our mind.

  Holly

  THE FIRST THING I spotted when I came home from school was the note Daddy had left for me on the kitchen counter. Call Mrs. Lake. She will drive you to the hospital, it read. Mrs. Lake lived across the street. Her husband had passed away several years ago, so she had no one to take care of but herself. According to Daddy, it was Mrs. Lake’s generosity and goodwill that kept her from being lonely.

  I called Mrs. Lake before making myself a cheese sandwich. Mother had been at the hospital all weekend and hadn’t done her weekly shopping. There wasn’t a single Milky Way or Dr. Pepper in the house.

  It was around six o’clock when Mrs. Lake picked me up. She dropped me off at the main entrance. I had hoped she would come in with me, but she indicated she needed to get back home and tend to something. I was nervous about visiting Jake for the first time. I didn’t know what to say to him. What I had overheard yesterday was enough to let me know something was terribly wrong.

  I got off the elevator and walked down the corridor to Jake’s room. I stopped to take a deep breath before entering the partially opened door. The room was so poorly lit that I couldn’t tell for sure if it was Jake who was in the bed. A clear plastic tube traveled from a bottle hanging on a pole above his bed to his wrist. The sight of the needle embedded in his skin made me squeamish.

  Mother was sitting in the corner of the room reading a magazine. I wondered how she was able to see the print at all with such dim lighting. She motioned for me to sit in the chair next to the bed.

  “Hey, Jake. I brought you some comic books.” I didn’t like having to work so hard at being cheerful.

  “Put them on the table,” he said, barely looking in my direction.

  “Is that your dinner?” I asked, gesturing toward his IV bottle.

  Mother gave me a stern look.

  “I bet it hurt when they stuck that needle in your arm,” I said, despite Mother’s warning.

  Mother turned her head sharply and flashed her eyes at me. I slouched down in the chair and pulled fuzz balls from my sweater.

  “It must be boring in here,” I said after a few moments of silence.

  “He hasn’t had time to be bored,” Mother quickly chimed in. “The nurses are in here constantly checking on this and that, drawing blood or changing his IV.”

  “What is that stuff?” I asked, referring to the fluid being pumped into Jake’s veins.

  “It keeps him hydrated and from getting too weak,” Mother said as she stood up. “I’m going to step outside a minute. My coffee’s gotten cold.”

  Mother looked exhausted. Her eyelids were drooping from lack of sleep. Her hair was limp and matted. Her clothes were also wrinkled. They were the same clothes she had worn to the hospital when Jake was admitted on Saturday. I was not accustomed to seeing her this way.

  “What did Mother and Daddy tell you about me?” Jake drilled me after Mother left the room.

  “Nothing,” I said. “They just said I had to be nice to you and not to start any fights.”

  “You’re lying.”

  Even though Jake saw through me, I was determined to keep what little I knew from him.

  “No, I’m not. I don’t know anything to tell you.”

  “I want to know why I’m here,” Jake said.

  “Well, if I knew, I would tell you.” Trying to keep things from Jake had never been easy. Daddy used to tell each of us secrets just to see how long it would take before we told each other what we had promised not to tell.

  “I saw Eric on the way home from school today.” Eric was Jake’s best friend.

  “You did?” Jake perked up a bit.

  “He said everyone missed you at the Scout meeting Saturday.”

  “I’ve never missed a meeting before,” Jake said more to himself than to me. “Could you hand me a Superman?” He motioned to the stack of comic books I had put on his bedside table.

  I gave him the one on top and took an Archie comic for myself. I flipped through several pages before growing weary of the shenanigans of Archie and Jughead. To ease my restlessness, I laced my fingers together and wiggled them like a bird flapping its wings in the wind. I thought Mother would never come back. As soon as she walked through the door, I jumped up from my seat.

  “You don’t need to get up,” Mother said. “We’ll go in a minute. I want to wait till your father comes back. He’s staying with Jake tonight.”

  “Where is Daddy?” I asked.

  “He stepped out for a smoke.”

  “Do you think I should go find him?”

  “No, but you can wait for me in the lobby if you like.”

  I was happy to leave. I looked for Daddy, but he must have taken the stairs rather than the elevator. I sat down in the lobby and waited for Mother.

  “Let’s go,” Mother said when she finally showed up, motioning for me to follow her out the door. The night air felt more like the end of summer than November. An eerie halo encircled the street lamps that lined the walkway to the parking lot.

  “I’m just telling you this so you’ll know what to expect,” Mother said as she drove out the exit lane from the hospital. “Your father and I need to be at the hospital with Jake, so you’re going to have to manage for yourself for a while.”

  “Someone is going to stay with me at night, aren’t they?” I had never liked being alone after dark.

  �
��Well, of course. But no one will be home to fix your meals, so you’ll have to do that yourself unless you want to eat at the hospital. Mrs. Lake said she would give you a ride anytime you need it. Don’t be shy about asking her. You’re going to have to depend on anyone willing to help. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry, but there’s nothing I can do about it.”

  It always bothered me the way Mother apologized and then shrugged off anything that was beyond her control.

  “When do you think Jake will come home?” I asked.

  Mother didn’t answer. I wished I hadn’t asked her that question. She turned her head away from me. The last thing I wanted was for her to break down. Right now, I needed her to be in control.

  I knew very little about my mother, who she was or what she had been like when she was my age. There were no photographs of her anywhere, unlike the dozens I had found of my father stuffed in drawers throughout the house. Her family had been too poor to own a camera. Everyone who had known her when she was younger, though, always spoke about how pretty she had been. Her hair used to be blonde, like mine, but it had darkened over the years, with almost as much gray in it as brown. And it was Jake, not me, who had her green eyes.

  As far as I knew, Mother had never done anything remarkable. She hadn’t gone to college and had worked only a short time as a file clerk at Papa Hendricks’ law firm before marrying my father. To hear her tell it, she had sacrificed her own happiness for the good of her family. Whether it was a pretense of selflessness or not, she took on every difficulty that came her way as though there was some kind of honor in it. I could tell what she was thinking by the way she pressed her back hard against the seat and pulled up her chin: whatever was wrong with Jake was her personal cross to bear.

  We rode the rest of the way in silence down streets that were as dimly lit as our despair.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  Change and convenience are seldom on the same schedule.

  Ross

  HOLLY SKIPPED SCHOOL the day of Jake’s surgery so she could go with me to the hospital. She insisted she had just as much right as Kathleen to be there. I was too worried about Jake to put up a fight. Right now, I didn’t feel like I had much control of anything in my life.

  Not knowing how long Jake would be in the hospital or require care, Jewell had given notice to the law firm where she worked. The partners refused to accept her resignation. They told her when all of this was over, her job would still be open. I could take as much time off as I needed, too. I had no idea how much our insurance was going to pay for all the medical tests, surgery, and hospital charges. That didn’t really matter. I would find a way to pay whatever it cost to get Jake well again.

  Kathleen, Randy, and Jewell met us at the hospital. Dr. Walters, the head surgeon, showed us to a small waiting area. Before going into surgery, he told us where the chapel was and asked us about our religious preference. I felt insincere telling him we were Baptists. Holly was the only one who could claim that with any certainty. I feared God was punishing me for not going to church all these years.

  Having the cramped waiting room to ourselves meant no small talk with strangers or apologizing for the air being so stale from all the cigarette butts I kept snuffing out in the ashtray. Jewell, apparently, didn’t want to talk to any of us. She sat in the corner by herself, staring out the window at the parking lot.

  My stomach was growling, but I was too tightly wound to eat anything. All I had for breakfast was a candy bar, which did nothing but take the edge off my hunger. Too bad the hospital didn’t have a cocktail lounge near the waiting room, like the ones they had in airports. It made things convenient for people who were afraid to fly. I could have used a stiff drink while waiting for the surgery team to examine Jake’s tissue and organs for any signs of malignancy.

  My heart pounded when Dr. Walters pushed open the double doors of the operating room. He rushed past us, tipping his head toward the conference room across the hall. Jewell and I stood up and followed him. I felt like a young boy who had been called into the principal’s office without knowing what kind of trouble I was in.

  Dr. Walters waited for us to sit down and then slowly lowered himself into his chair. He clasped his hands together as he rested them on the table.

  “I don’t know where to begin.” Dr. Walter’s voice waivered. “Jake has an aggressive form of cancer. It’s rapidly spreading through his lymph system and there’s really nothing we can do to stop it. You’re going to have to decide how you want to handle this.”

  “What do you mean?” I asked. “What are our options?”

  Dr. Walters explained the grim choices available to us. We sat there for what seemed like eternity as reality soaked in.

  “Oh God. This can’t be true.” Jewell lowered her head, pushing it hard against her brow with the palms of her hands as she sobbed uncontrollably.

  I placed my arm around her shoulders. She quickly jerked away. I was embarrassed by her coolness toward me. Dr. Walters stood up and excused himself from the room.

  I told Jewell I needed some air. The news had knocked the wind out of me and obviously, I was no comfort to my wife.

  When I returned to the waiting room, Randy was nervously walking back and forth from the alcove that housed the Coke machine. Kathleen and Holly were sitting on the sofa, flipping through outdated magazines. Anxiety was written all over their faces.

  I motioned for Kathleen to follow me. Randy was right behind her and so was Holly. I had not intended for Holly to join us.

  “What did they find?” Holly asked.

  “We’ll talk about it later,” I said. “You all go on home. I’ll be there shortly.”

  I didn’t give them a chance to ask me any more questions. I needed to get back into the conference room, even though I dreaded the difficult decisions Jewell and I would have to face. Jewell made it easy. She had already decided what we were going to do.

  As I drove home later, I thought about how fortunate I had been most of my life. There were so many times I had come close to dying during the war. What was it that had made me so lucky? Like the time I was walking in a field of dead bodies following a skirmish with a bunch of Japs. There were flies everywhere, and it was so hot that even my sweat felt like it was boiling. I was still recovering from dysentery and was so weak that I fell to the ground and passed out. Someone came along and put my dog tags in my mouth. When I came to, I got up and walked back to camp. Everyone thought they had seen a ghost. Thank God, no one had gotten around to burying me. Just thinking about that day made me realize even when things were at their very worst; they could still turn out okay.

  When I arrived home, Kathleen and Randy were sitting at the kitchen table having a cup of coffee. Holly joined them as I came through the back door. I expected them to bombard me with questions, but no one said a word.

  “Why don’t you go upstairs?” I asked, trying to avoid looking directly at Holly. “I want to talk to Kathleen and Randy alone.”

  I hated having to exclude her again from such a serious discussion, but I had promised Jewell that I wouldn’t tell Holly that Jake was dying. I didn’t agree with Jewell on this. Holly had a right to know what was happening.

  “Why can’t I listen?” she protested. “He’s my brother, too. You’re treating me like a child.”

  “Honey, please,” I pleaded, “the only thing I can tell you is that Jake is very sick. Right now, the best thing you can do is to go upstairs. Please don’t make me ask you again.”

  “Dad, wait a minute,” Kathleen spoke up. “What about tomorrow? We’re having Thanksgiving with Randy’s folks. Do you want Holly to come with us?”

  “No, you and Randy go ahead with your plans. Marilyn’s mother called the hospital before I left and insisted that Holly have dinner with them. I told Mrs. Davis that would be fine.”

  “You could have asked me first,” Holly objected as she stormed out of the room. I heard her crying as she made her way down the hall. I felt like a jerk for assuming she w
ould enjoy spending Thanksgiving with her best friend. But what was I to do? I knew that wasn’t the only thing she was upset about. It didn’t seem fair to tell Kathleen about Jake’s condition and not Holly. Christ! Holly was old enough to figure things out. I’d have to talk to Jewell about this. But for now, I felt compelled to go along with whatever Jewell wanted for the sake of keeping peace.

  Somehow I managed to break the news to Kathleen and Randy without falling apart. Even though they were worried about leaving Holly and me at a time like this, I insisted they leave. I was exhausted and I knew they were, too. I could count on Holly not coming out of her room for the rest of the evening, which was fine with me. Any other time, I would have poured myself a drink and smoked one cigarette after another in order to numb the aching in my heart. But tonight, there wasn’t any drink strong enough that could soothe my soul or take away the bitterness of every breath I inhaled.

  CHAPTER THIRTEEN

  The invisible bond that links the members of a family is sometimes the only sanctuary our heart desires.

  Holly

  “I DON’T WANT to have dinner with strangers,” I complained on Thanksgiving morning. “I’d rather go to the hospital with you.”

  “We’ve been through this already.” Daddy sighed. “Anyway, it’s not like you’re having dinner with strangers. Marilyn is your best friend. You practically live at her house. Besides, a hospital is no place to spend a holiday.”

  “Mrs. Davis always has a bunch of relatives over for Thanksgiving. Can’t you call her and tell her I don’t feel well?” I pleaded.

  “I’ve already told her that you were coming.”

  “You didn’t even ask me if I wanted to go.”

  “What can I say? I guess I wasn’t thinking.”

  “I really don’t want to go. I’ll just stay home by myself.”

  “You know, you could help a lot by not complaining,” Daddy chided. “Mrs. Davis said she would drive you to the hospital this evening. Go have dinner. You can see Jake later on.”