Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom of the Wicked

by Derek Landy

  “So while Argeddion was a pacifist and showed no inclination towards violence, you didn’t want to take the chance that he could change his mind.”

  “It wasn’t an easy decision to make. I liked Walden. He was a good man. I trusted him. I couldn’t trust Argeddion. How could I? All it would take is one bad day. Maybe that’s what sets Darquesse off. Maybe she’s a normal sorcerer, doing good work, but sometime in the near future she’s going to have one really bad day, and she’ll make the world suffer for it.”

  “So what did you do?”

  Lament hesitated. “Argeddion enjoyed talking about the things he was learning. Every day he’d develop a new ability, or he’d understand a new law of magic that no one else had even guessed at. He talked about the Source. He talked about the Cradles of Magic and how they related to each other and how they affected everything around them. He was a fascinating man. He was starting to view things in a completely new way.”

  “And then you ambushed him.”

  “We did. The problem with adopting a radical new perspective is that you lose your old one. We couldn’t afford to let him abandon his humanity. We couldn’t let him start to value magic over people.”

  “Was that where he was headed?”

  “Possibly. Very possibly. The moment I realised this, I knew we had run out of time. So we ambushed him.”

  “How?” asked Valkyrie.

  “When Walden was a child, his mother was murdered right in front of him. Her killer, a man who was never caught, turned to Walden and spoke to him. He said three words to a traumatised little boy, and ran. We found out what those three words were, and we used them against him. He froze, and we struck. We didn’t use violence. We just trapped him, sent him to sleep. He hasn’t woken up since.”

  “How did you send him to sleep?”

  “We targeted his brainwaves. Took them over, regulated them... He was asleep within moments.”

  “Could we use that against Darquesse?”

  “I don’t know. Argeddion underestimated us. Maybe it was his new power, making our attempts against him look harmless. Whatever the reason, he didn’t view us as a threat, and so he was already calm when we struck. Darquesse, from what I’ve heard, is not going to be calm. If you tried this against her, she’d fight it and win easily.”

  “But if we managed it,” Skulduggery pressed, “could she be contained in here?”

  “Here? No. This entire facility is equipped for only one patient. But if you were to build an exact replica of this place, I don’t see why not. She would need constant monitoring and supervision, however.”

  “If she was trapped in somewhere like this,” Valkyrie said, “that’d be it, though, wouldn’t it? There’d be no chance of talking to her, of getting her to control herself or anything like that?”

  “That would be impossible. The only reason Argeddion hasn’t escaped is because he’s been kept in an artificially induced coma. We can’t allow him to wake up – ever. With Darquesse, it would be even more important to keep her sedated. If you give someone like that a moment of consciousness, she’d kill you and everyone else.”

  “Well,” Valkyrie said, frowning, “that sucks.”

  Lament looked surprised. “You’d prefer the alternative?”

  “No,” she said quickly. “No, I was just thinking, from her perspective that sucks, not from our… Never mind. Could we have a copy of the plans?”

  “I don’t see why not,” said Lament. “But do you have enough people to monitor her? Do you have anyone who’d be willing to give up the rest of their life to spend with her?”

  “I would,” Skulduggery said.

  Valkyrie looked away.

  A girl rushed in. Petite, blonde hair, huge eyes, somewhere in her twenties. “People,” she gasped. “But…”

  Lament smiled. “It’s OK. They’re not our enemies. Lenka Bazaar, this is Skulduggery Pleasant and Valkyrie Cain.”

  Valkyrie stood to shake her hand and Lenka jumped on her, wrapping her up in the biggest bear hug Lenka’s little arms could manage. “People!” she screamed. “There are people here! New people!”

  Valkyrie couldn’t help but laugh, and finally Lenka released her.

  “Hi. I’m Lenka. Will you be my friend?”

  “Uh,” said Valkyrie, “sure.”

  “Tyren,” Lenka said immediately, “I only have room for a certain number of friends in my life, so you’re not my friend any more. I’m really sorry.”

  “I’m sure I’ll survive.”

  Lenka grinned at Valkyrie. “I don’t want to alarm you,” she said, “but there’s a skeleton in a hat standing behind you.”

  “Don’t worry, he’s supposed to be there,” Valkyrie said with a smile.

  “Very pleased to meet you,” Skulduggery said, shaking her hand.

  “Lenka is the youngest of us,” said Lament, “a Sensitive and a gifted engineer in her own right.”

  “I never thought I’d ever meet someone new,” Lenka said, her eyes still wide. “I thought that the three people I’m down here with were the only people I’d ever know for the rest of my life. And now look. Two more people! And one of them’s the coolest person I’ve ever seen!”

  “Thank you,” said Skulduggery.

  “I was talking about her,” Lenka said, and Valkyrie laughed.

  “Have you seen the Arboretum? Tyren, have you shown them the Arboretum?

  “They’ve only just arrived—”

  “Then it’s high time they saw the Arboretum!” Lenka announced, seizing Valkyrie’s hand. “Come! The tour!”

  Valkyrie cast a look back as Lament turned to Skulduggery. “Do you want me to hold your hand?”

  “I’d rather you didn’t.”

  “Perfectly understandable,” Lament said, and they followed Lenka and Valkyrie out of the door.

  They met Vernon Plight on the way. He was a narrow, dark-skinned man with a warm smile. Valkyrie had read his file. He was almost 300 years old and an Adept, with a reputation as a fierce soldier. He knew Skulduggery and they exchanged a few friendly words before Lenka dragged them on.

  “This is a momentous occasion,” said Lament. “When do we ever get the chance to show someone the Arboretum for the first time? Skulduggery, Valkyrie, welcome.”

  They stepped through a wide doorway into a vast cavern, and in this cavern a rainforest sat. The heat, the humidity, the sounds of streams and waterfalls and birds and insects met them and enveloped them.

  “Oh my God,” Valkyrie said.

  Even Skulduggery was impressed. “This is remarkable.”

  Lament smiled. “This is our very own biosphere, maintained by Lenka and Kalvin. There are adjoining caverns, each with a different kind of environment, but this is definitely the biggest. We’ve had to forgo a few luxuries, but we grow our own food here. Whatever we need. Whatever we want, really. We even have our own coffee beans. It’s actually quite good.”

  “Are those monkeys up there?” Valkyrie asked, craning her neck.

  Lament nodded. “We have animals, birds, insects... It’s a self-perpetuating ecosystem. It helps to make life interesting.”

  “I imagine boredom would be a major problem,” Skulduggery said.

  “It is, but we have access to the outside world thanks to Kalvin. When he isn’t helping me maintain the facility’s essential systems, he’s building relays and whatnot to view films and read the latest books... I don’t understand technology at all, to be honest, but Kalvin... Kalvin can access the world without leaving a trail that leads back here. He is invaluable.”

  “That must be difficult,” Skulduggery said, “to view the world but not be a part of it.”

  “That was the big debate we had when we first started,” Lament told them. “Do we cut ourselves off completely? I was in favour of total informational shutdown. I thought the alternative would be too hard to handle. But now I see the value in being open to it all. It reminds us of why we do what we do.”

  A butterfly land
ed on Skulduggery’s finger. “I have to say, you have my admiration,” he said. “What you’re doing is astonishingly good and decent. I tend to forget there are people like you out there.” The butterfly flew away again.

  Lament smiled. “We’re not saints, Skulduggery. We argue and squabble like the most ill-tempered family you’ve ever seen. But that’s what we’ve become. A family.”

  “It’s a shame no one knows what you’re doing,” said Valkyrie.

  “They can’t know.” Urgency entered Lament’s voice now. “You can’t tell anyone about this place. It’s bad enough you’re here – and I mean that in the nicest possible way. But there are sorcerers out there who would tear this facility down with their bare hands to get at Argeddion – either to find out what he knows, or simply to unleash him into the world. They would ignore the simple fact that controlling him is impossible, and focus only on the rewards they think he would bring. Can you imagine what would happen if a Sanctuary were to send its Cleavers in here? Once we were all dead, they’d start their experiments, and Argeddion would inevitably awaken.”

  “There are people out there you can trust,” said Skulduggery. “Starting with us.”

  Lament looked at him, looked at them both, and didn’t respond.

  t night, the orbs that lit the mountain facility grew gradually dimmer, and deep hues of orange and red began to sneak through before being replaced by the silver, grey and blue tones of moonlight.

  They spent the evening in the living room. Lenka explained that they had gone through phases of calling it the common room and the social area, before deciding that living room just sounded more comfortable. There were sofas and armchairs and tables and pictures on the walls and a massive screen down one end.

  “How do you pass the time here?” Valkyrie asked when Lenka had finished explaining everything.

  Vernon Plight laughed. “It can get quite boring at times,” he admitted. “We watch television and we play music, but mostly we’ve found ways to amuse ourselves.”

  “Really?” Valkyrie asked. “Like what?”

  Plight’s smile faded. “Like human sacrifice.”

  He grabbed one arm and Lenka grabbed the other and Valkyrie cried out.

  Then they both let go, laughing.

  “Naw,” Plight said, “we just play board games.”

  Lenka doubled up with laughter. “Your face!” she squealed. “Your face when you thought we were going to kill you!”

  Valkyrie glared at them. “That,” she said, “is not funny.”

  “It’s a little funny,” Lament said, passing the door.

  “It’s not funny at all,” Valkyrie insisted. “Skulduggery, tell them.”

  “I wish I’d had a camera,” he said, shaking his head.

  “I hate all of you. Every single one of you.”

  Kalvin Accord came in.

  “She fell for it!” gasped Lenka. “She fell for the human sacrifice bit!”

  Kalvin chortled, he actually chortled, and turned around and walked out again.

  “I hate you all,” Valkyrie said miserably.

  It may have been the mountain air, but Valkyrie awoke refreshed the next morning, full of energy, thinking good thoughts and feeling positive. She showered, dressed, and met Lenka for breakfast. They had freshly picked fruit and freshly squeezed orange juice.

  “And now,” said Lenka, rubbing her stomach, “we have freshly slaughtered pig.”

  Valkyrie made a face. “You kill your own animals?”

  “It’s not like we can pop out to the nearest supermarket,” Lenka said, laughing. “Pig. Pork chops. Bacon. Oh my God, bacon...”

  She closed her eyes and smiled. Valkyrie frowned.

  Then Lenka sighed, and looked up. “We don’t have pig,” she said sadly. “We have the animals and the birds in the Arboretum but we don’t touch them. We can’t. Those monkeys are too cute.”

  “So why didn’t you bring some pigs? When you started, I mean.”

  “Oh, we did. But they escaped. They’re loose somewhere in this mountain and every year, their numbers grow. Sometimes at night you can hear them, calling to each other. It’s quite spooky, in an oinky sort of way.”

  “I… don’t know whether to believe you or not.”

  “Probably wise. But then we all decided it would just be easier to become vegetarians, so we did. Do you eat meat?”

  “Yes.”

  Lenka sat forward, eyes sparkling. “What was the last piece of meat you ate?”

  “Uh,” said Valkyrie, “I don’t know, it was... It was before I got on the plane. I brought a sandwich with me. Chicken and stuffing.”

  “Chicken!” Lenka exclaimed. “How was it? How did it taste?”

  “It was OK. It tasted fine. Like chicken.”

  “Wow,” said Lenka. “It tasted like chicken. I envy you so much, being able to eat chicken and being able to do… things. I’d love to spend a day in the world. Just walking around. Going into shops. Going to a concert. Sitting in an office.”

  “An office?”

  “Oh, yeah. And everyone’s wearing shirts and ties and arguing about annual reports and the photocopier not working... That’d be heaven.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “The hum that phosphorescent lights make – is it as comforting as I remember?”

  “Uh...”

  “I miss that sound so much.” She looked away, and after a moment Valkyrie became aware of a very low hum that was coming from Lenka’s direction.

  Valkyrie cleared her throat. “Can I ask you something?”

  Lenka stopped humming. “Sure.”

  “Why did you come here? I mean, I can’t imagine making that decision, to leave everything behind just to watch over one person that you don’t even know.”

  Lenka smiled. “Tyren asked. How could I refuse? I’d just started working for the Sanctuary, and I was full of ideals and pure thoughts. Once you start working there, you give yourself over to a higher duty, don’t you? You become a protector. You’re ready to give your life to ensure the safety of others.”

  “That’s a very dramatic way of looking at things.”

  “I’m a very dramatic person. But I’m sure you’re the same.”

  “Dramatic?”

  “Willing to give your life for the safety of others.”

  “Eh, I don’t think so. Have you met those others? Most of them are idiots.”

  “So there is no one you would die for?”

  Valkyrie went quiet for a moment. “I’d die for my parents and my sister.”

  “See?” Lenka said. “Out there, in the world, there are people I would die for. They are the reason I’m here. They are the reason I’ve sacrificed a normal life. I do this to keep them safe.”

  “I hope they appreciate it.”

  “Sadly, they will never know. They think I just disappeared one day. I couldn’t even leave them a note.”

  “My God. That’s the most... selfless thing I’ve ever heard.”

  “Then you should talk to the others,” Lenka said with a little laugh. “They’ve all sacrificed just as much as me, if not more. But we do what we do to make the world a safer place. When it gets cold here, really cold, that thought keeps me warm.”

  “I... I want to hug you.”

  “Hugging also keeps me warm.”

  Valkyrie hugged her and Lenka laughed again.

  “When you’re quite finished,” Skulduggery said, walking by.

  Valkyrie got up. “See you around?” she said to Lenka.

  Lenka held up her hands. “It’s kind of inevitable.”

  Valkyrie caught up to Skulduggery. “These people are really nice. I’m not used to nice people. I’m used to you.”

  “I’m nice,” he said.

  “I can’t believe that you are what I now think of as normal, so that whenever I meet nice people they seem like weirdos.”

  “I’m very nice.”

  “You insult everyone you meet.”

  “N
ot every single person. I don’t have time to insult every single person. And have I insulted anyone since we got here? No, I have not, because I am, as I said, nice.”

  “I don’t think I’d be as nice as these guys if I’d been stuck here for the last thirty years. What kind of person do you think you’d need to be in order to spend thirty years in a mountain?”

  “I don’t know,” Skulduggery said. “The kind of person who loves mountains, perhaps?”

  “I don’t think I’d be able to handle it.”

  “Me neither. I’d say you’d be quite cranky. But Lament picked them for a reason. They each have the right temperament. They each have a little thing called patience.”

  Valkyrie snapped her fingers. “See, that’s why I’d be useless in here.”

  “It’s definitely one of the reasons.”

  She scowled at him.

  The corridor split and they veered left until they came to the only room in there that didn’t have natural rock for walls. The laboratory was all stainless steel and polished surfaces, as precise and detailed as anything Valkyrie had ever seen in the Sanctuary. It was sleek and so compact that she almost missed the fact that the room was packed full of machinery and monitors. Lament sat in the corner, drinking tea.

  “Hi,” Valkyrie said as they approached.

  “He can’t hear you,” Skulduggery told her. “See his eyes? See the way they move? He’s working.”

  “He’s drinking tea.”

  “His body is drinking tea. His mind is in the circuitry.”

  She looked around. “What, in all this?”

  “Why bother looking at a computer when you can be the computer?”

  “That’s... kind of creepy.”

  Lament stood up. “Indeed it is.”

  “Oh! Sorry...”

  “No need to apologise. When I was your age, my mother did her best to persuade me to study a more conventional discipline of magic, but science was always too dear to my heart. Thanks for waiting. I just had some tests I needed to finish up. Did you sleep well?”

  “I did,” said Valkyrie. “Thank you.”

  “I have to ask your forgiveness, actually, for last night. You caught me unawares, as you can imagine. You came all the way here to see how we managed to contain Argeddion, and it would be churlish of me to deny you. Please, this way.” He led them through a door, standing to one side and presenting his creation with a flourish.