Skulduggery Pleasant: Kingdom of the Wicked

by Derek Landy

  “What?”

  “There seems to be a gentleman walking towards us with a shotgun.”

  Valkyrie peeked out. Sure enough, there he was, a mortal in his sixties, walking with a shotgun levelled at belly height.

  “Hello there,” said the mortal.

  Skulduggery paused for a moment, then stepped into view, and Valkyrie did the same.

  “Well now,” said the mortal, “a skeleton in a fancy suit. There’s something you don’t see every day.”

  “Speak for yourself,” said Valkyrie.

  The man smiled. “My name’s Healy. I’m what you might call the local constabulary for Ratoath.”

  Skulduggery nodded to him. “How do you do, Mr Healy?”

  “It talks,” Healy said with a smile. “Wonders will never cease, will they? I’m doing fine, sir, thank you for asking. I’m going to have to request that the pair of you raise your hands, though.”

  “We’re not looking for trouble,” Skulduggery said as they complied.

  “Only a madman would look for trouble in a town like Ratoath,” Healy responded. “We have strict rules, you see. As the duly appointed constable, I would not be the most popular person in these parts, seeing as how my duties include rounding up troublemakers for the Barge every few weeks. But arresting people like you would easily fill my quota.”

  “People like us?”

  “Sorcerers,” said Healy. “Resistance sorcerers.”

  “How do you know we’re Resistance?” Valkyrie asked. “We could have come straight from Mevolent himself.”

  Healy shook his head. “They don’t sneak in. When they arrive, they let you know about it so you can start shaking in your boots. No, you pair are Resistance, I can tell a mile off.”

  Skulduggery tilted his head. “You don’t sound very nervous, Mr Healy. If we are Resistance sorcerers, then we’re very dangerous people.”

  “The Resistance don’t hurt mortals. Everyone knows that.”

  “You seem awfully sure that you’re not in any danger.”

  “You pull a gun on a person, you’d be surprised how confident you get.”

  Skulduggery flicked his left hand and the air tore Healy’s shotgun from his grip. At the same time, Skulduggery’s revolver flew from his jacket into his right hand, and he thumbed back the hammer. “You know what?” he said. “You’re absolutely right. I am positively brimming with confidence.”

  Healy raised his hands slowly. “I didn’t shoot you,” he said, “and so I’d appreciate it if you returned the favour.”

  The shotgun drifted into Valkyrie’s hands, and she broke it open and took out the cartridges. “What if you’re wrong?” she asked. “What if we are from Mevolent?”

  Healy shrugged. “After what I just did? You’d probably burn this town to the ground.”

  “And you’re still not nervous?”

  “No, Miss. I am not.”

  “Mind telling us why?”

  Healy smiled, and his eyes moved slowly. Valkyrie and Skulduggery turned, and saw Anton Shudder standing there.

  He didn’t even blink. He gazed at Skulduggery like they’d been around each other every day for the last 200 years.

  “Please,” Skulduggery said, “don’t make a fuss.”

  Predictably, Shudder didn’t even crack a smile. “Why are you back?” he asked.

  “We need to talk to China.”

  Shudder didn’t respond.

  “We want to get into the City,” Skulduggery continued. “We thought she might know a way. Or maybe you do, and you could tell us, and we wouldn’t have to disturb her. I think that’d be best for everyone, actually.”

  “I do nothing without Miss Sorrows’ permission.”

  “What a fulfilling life you must lead.”

  “My reflection,” Valkyrie said. “Is it here?”

  Shudder turned his eyes to her. “Your reflection was taken along with thirteen of our people. Nine others were killed last night, and four more have died since then of their injuries.”

  “Can we talk to her? China said it herself, she’s in my debt. If it wasn’t for me, you guys would never have got that Teleporter.”

  “The Teleporter they tracked from the dungeon,” said Shudder. “The Teleporter who led them straight to us.”

  “None of that is my fault.”

  “Tell China we have a proposition for her,” said Skulduggery.

  “I am her bodyguard,” said Shudder, “not her liaison. If you want to tell Miss Sorrows something, then do it yourself.” He walked past them, heading across the square to the large building.

  “I think that was his way of saying follow me,” Healy told them, smiling.

  Valkyrie handed him back his shotgun and joined Skulduggery. They followed Shudder through the door, and a section of the flooring opened up, revealing steps leading down. At the bottom of the steps Cleavers stood, clad in grey, with those visored helmets that used to creep Valkyrie out so much. Now they comforted her. She much preferred the grey-suited Cleavers to the crimson-suited Redhoods.

  Shudder pushed open the door. A man was sitting in a chair. His chest was bare and he had a black disc the size of a drinks coaster attached to his forearm. China Sorrows was carving a sigil into his chest with a scalpel.

  She stopped work for a moment and looked up, her startling blue eyes fixed on Skulduggery. “Who are you?”

  Valkyrie frowned. “You don’t recognise him?”

  China went back to work on the man in the chair, who didn’t seem to notice the pain. “One skeleton looks the same as another,” she said. Of course, I’ve only known one to actually walk...”

  “Hello, China,” Skulduggery said.

  It may have been the light, but Valkyrie could have sworn she saw China take a sharp breath. She straightened up.

  “It is you,” she said. “Where were you? Where have you been? Everyone... everyone thought you were dead.”

  Skulduggery took his hat off. “Do I look dead?”

  “I refuse to answer ridiculous questions.”

  “China Sorrows... such a past we share. It’s practically unfathomable, isn’t it? The influence we’ve had on each other’s lives? You helped make me the man I am today.”

  China didn’t respond. Instead, she glanced at the man in the chair. “We’ll finish this later.” He nodded, removed the black disc from his arm and winced, then walked out.

  “And I,” Skulduggery said as China began cleaning the scalpel, “I’m sure I’ve affected your growth as a person in equally memorable ways. The years we spent as enemies, hunting and fighting and warring... From a spoiled little disciple of the Faceless Ones to leader of the Diablerie and now look at you. The leader of the Resistance. You’ve changed.”

  “I’d hope so. Where have you been all this time?”

  “That doesn’t really matter.”

  “It matters to me.” China placed the scalpel in a slim case, and closed the lid. “First we have Valkyrie Cain and her reflection appearing out of nowhere, and now we witness the return of the living skeleton after, what, one hundred and fifty years? And they’re friends, no less. So I have questions. Where have you been, what are you doing back, and who are you?”

  “You know who I am,” said Skulduggery.

  “I know who you were,” said China. “And I’ve asked a lot of people about you, Valkyrie, and no one seems to know who you are or where you came from, either. This is all very mysterious. I don’t like mysteries. They unsettle me.”

  Valkyrie suddenly became aware of how vulnerable they were, with Shudder and a handful of Cleavers standing behind them.

  “We’re not from here,” Skulduggery said.

  China’s gaze flickered to him. “Explain.”

  “A Dimensional Shunter sent us here,” Skulduggery said. “We don’t belong in this world.”

  “And you expect me to believe that you’re from a parallel universe, then? Is that it? Tell me, does your universe have a China Sorrows?”

  �
��It does.”

  “And is she stupid?”

  “She is not.”

  “Then why would you think I would believe you?”

  “We could prove it, if you’d like. Maybe tell you something, something the version of me from this reality probably never knew. For instance, that you delivered my wife and child to Serpine so that he could murder them in front of me. Something like that, perhaps.”

  China was silent for a moment. “How long have you known?”

  “This last year, but that’s in a whole other reality.”

  “And your version of me... did you kill her quickly or did you make it last?”

  “Neither. She still lives.”

  “I don’t understand.”

  “I’m a lot of things, but I’m no hypocrite.”

  “I had a hand in killing your family, in killing you and turning you into what you are now... and you don’t want to kill me for it?”

  “Of course I want to kill you,” said Skulduggery. “I want to kill most people. But then where would I be? In a field of dead people with no one to talk to.”

  “You are different from the Skulduggery I knew.”

  “Maybe. Maybe not.”

  “What do you need? A way home?”

  “That should take care of itself. No, we need to get into Mevolent’s Palace.”

  “Why?”

  “They’re holding my reflection,” said Valkyrie.

  “Let them keep it,” China said. “It’s a reflection. No, there’s something else.”

  “There is,” said Skulduggery, “and we need to retrieve it. It’s very valuable to us.”

  “Tell me what it is, maybe I have one to spare.”

  “I doubt it.”

  “You’ll tell me eventually, because I won’t help you otherwise. You could lie to me, of course, but I’d know.”

  “Our world is in danger,” said Skulduggery. “We need a weapon powerful enough to kill a god.”

  China laughed. “You want the Sceptre? Impossible. Mevolent keeps it in his throne room where it is protected by an Arietti Sigil, and when he leaves the Palace, he has it with him at all times. You’d never get to it.”

  “Loan us your captured Teleporter and we’ll surprise you.”

  “If I could, I would,” said China. “Unfortunately, he escaped in the confusion when Lord Vile and the Redhoods attacked. He’s back with Mevolent now, along with a dozen of our best fighters. It was not a good day for us.”

  “Then get us in some other way, or give us a map and let us try it ourselves. What have you got to lose?”

  “A perfectly good map,” China said. “How do you intend to get your hands on the Sceptre, if you do manage to sneak in? Have you any idea how many Redhoods patrol those halls? And what about Vengeous, and Lord Vile? And Mevolent himself?”

  “We’ve faced Vengeous and Vile before,” said Skulduggery. “We’ll do OK. As for Mevolent, we’re going to hope that he’s sleeping. It’s not a perfect plan, but it’ll do.”

  Valkyrie nodded. “It’s really not a perfect plan.”

  “But you can’t use the Sceptre,” China said. “While Mevolent lives, it will only work in his hands.”

  “Not once we bring it home with us. We can use it to save our world and, more importantly for you, Mevolent won’t have his most powerful weapon any more.”

  China observed them for a long, drawn-out moment. Then she picked up her scalpel case. “I will arrange for a guide to escort you beyond the wall,” she said. “I assume time is of the essence?”

  “When is it not?”

  “Indeed,” she said. “Indeed. You’ll need this.” She held up the black disc that had been attached to the arm of the man she’d been working on. Skulduggery gestured, and it floated into his hand. “If you’re captured,” she continued, “I would appreciate it if you would kindly die before they interrogate you. This town is very important to the Resistance. We can’t afford to lose it.”

  “We’ll do our best to go down fighting.”

  “That’s all I ask. Wait here, and I’ll send someone to take you to your guide. Valkyrie, it was lovely seeing you again. Skulduggery...” She didn’t bother finishing the sentence, she just bowed to them both, and glided out of the door.

  Valkyrie looked at the black disc. “What’s that?”

  “It’s a pain regulator,” he said, fiddling around with the back of it. “It’s used to either subdue pain, or inflict it.” He slid a piece of the underside into his hand. It was a small, flat piece of slate with a symbol printed on it in white. He pocketed both.

  A girl in her twenties came to take them to a nearby building. Her name was Harmony. She was pale and pretty, and had a scar that curled from the corner of her eye to the corner of her mouth. She held a torch as she led them down old stone steps.

  “Our guide lives down here?” Valkyrie asked, a little dubious.

  “His movements here are restricted,” Harmony told her. “He’s not what you might call trustworthy.”

  Skulduggery said, “And yet you trust him to lead us into the Palace?”

  “Oh, yes,” said Harmony. “Absolutely. It’s what he does after he’s led you in where things could get tricky. But you should be fine. Years ago, Mevolent issued an order that he be killed on sight, so I don’t think he’d try to betray you like he betrayed them.”

  “He betrayed them?” said Valkyrie. Then, “Wait, he was on their side?”

  “One of Mevolent’s top men, so he was. One of his Three Generals.” Harmony slammed her fist against the door and pushed it open without waiting for a reply. Inside, Nefarian Serpine lay on a bunk, naked but for a towel covering his privates. He scratched his beard as he looked up at them with glittering emerald eyes.

  “Yeah?” he said. “What the hell do you want?”

  hose eyes of his, those bright green eyes, latched on to Skulduggery and an eyebrow slowly rose. “There you are,” he said. “After all these years... What, did you get lost on your way to kill me or something?”

  Serpine sat up. His black hair was long and his beard was straggly. He wore a clunky metal glove on his right hand, and his ribs showed. “Are you at least going to give me a fighting chance?” he asked, easing himself off the bed. “This fancy glove they make me wear binds my magic, so it’ll have to be fisticuffs. You prepared for that, skeleton? Ready to finish this once and for all?”

  “He isn’t here to kill you,” said Harmony. “We’re loaning you to him.”

  “That doesn’t sound very sporting.”

  “You know a secret way into the City,” Skulduggery said. “You’re going to take us in, as far as the Palace. Tonight. If you try anything sneaky, I’ll take great pleasure in killing you.”

  Serpine smiled. “If I’m seen inside the City, there are many people who will take great pleasure in killing me. I think I’ll stay here, thank you very much.”

  “This isn’t a request,” Harmony said. “Miss Sorrows has made her decision.”

  “Well, she can unmake it,” Serpine replied, sneering slightly. “I’m not setting foot inside that wall, and if you had any sense, skeleton, you wouldn’t, either.”

  Skulduggery looked at Harmony. “Could you excuse me for a moment? We’d like to talk with Nefarian alone.”

  Harmony shrugged. “I’ll be outside,” she said, and closed the door behind her.

  Skulduggery and Valkyrie looked at him, standing there.

  “What do you think?” Skulduggery asked.

  “He’s not very impressive,” Valkyrie said. “I don’t like the beard. And the towel doesn’t exactly cover a whole lot.”

  “He’s fallen on hard times,” Skulduggery said. “He needs goals in his life. He needs a future to look forward to. Nefarian, we are here to offer you both of these things.” He took the pain regulator from his pocket. The air shifted and the disc shot from Skulduggery’s hand into Serpine’s belly. He grunted, frowned, tried to peel it away from his skin.

  “Don’t bot
her,” Skulduggery said. “Only we can remove it, and we have no plans to do that until we get what we want.” He held the black slate in one hand. His thumb tapped it lightly and Serpine’s eyes bulged and he fell to his knees. His body shook. His muscles stood out, straining, like they wanted to burst free from his body. Valkyrie could tell that he wanted to scream but couldn’t.

  Skulduggery deactivated the disc, and Serpine fell forward, gasping.

  “The goal in your life that we are offering you,” Skulduggery said, “is the chance to rid yourself of that little device. The future you can look forward to is a future where you don’t have to suffer white-hot agony whenever we get bored. Two rather healthy aspirations, are they not?”

  Serpine snapped his head up, glared at them. “I go free,” he said. “After I lead you in, after you take this thing off me, I go free.”

  “You aren’t free now?”

  “They say I am, but everywhere I go I have an armed escort. I’ve proved myself to Sorrows, I supplied her with names and locations and some of Mevolent’s best-kept secrets, and what do I get in return? A small bed in a cold room and my powers bound. If you get her to agree to set me free, I’ll take you.”

  “She’ll never agree to that,” Skulduggery said. “She’s not going to just loan you to us and then let you run off. What does she gain from that deal?”

  “Then we don’t tell her. We agree, the three of us, here and now, that you let me go when we’re done. I’ll take my chances on my own.”

  “If we’re going to set you free, we need more than just a guide into the City. You have to take us into the Palace itself, to the Sceptre.”

  “You’re insane.”

  “That’s the deal.”

  Serpine hesitated. “Very well. I take you to the Sceptre, you take this disc off me and unlock this glove and let me go.”

  “Agreed. How long will it take to get into the City?”

  “What time is it now?”

  “Around three.”

  “Afternoon or morning, skeleton? You lose track when you don’t have windows.”

  “Afternoon.”

  Serpine nodded. “The best time to sneak in will be at the end of the working day. We need to be outside the wall at six. Before then I’ll need clothes. My own clothes. And tell them to send a barber. If I go in looking like this, we’ll be arrested on the spot. I assume you have some sort of disguise, skeleton? I’d wear it if I were you. The people of the City are cultured and elegant, not like the grim and shabby specimens who trudge around this place. You, girl,” he said to Valkyrie, and threw her the towel from around his waist. “Run me a bath.”