He stuck out his tongue at me. “Yes, really. And don't try to pretend that you weren't talking about me. Erin knew who I was before I even told her my name.”
It was my turn to blush. “Yeah, well...”
Kody grinned at me and I looked into his eyes. I saw something there that brought me to a decision. I wasn't ready to tell him all the details, but I wanted him to know what he was getting into. Without thinking, I reached out and took his hand. “Let go for a walk,” I said softly. He fell into step beside me as we began to walk along the river. He kept looking down at our hands as if trying to reassure himself that it was really happening. I knew how he felt. I took a deep breath.
“When I was fourteen, a gay guy came to my school. He was a couple years older than me, so I didn't really have any interaction with him, but I watched him from a distance. He seemed so proud of who he was, even though he pretty much had no friends. I wanted to be that open but I'd never even seen an openly gay person before, so I guess you could say I didn't have any role models. I was from a really strict religious family and coming out had never even occurred to me.” The story was coming out as if I was talking about someone else. I'd only talked about this with my therapists, so it felt strange to be telling it to Kody.
“I was just working up enough nerve to talk to the gay guy when he was murdered. This other guy in our school was stabbed at the same time. It was a really big deal at our school. It was all anyone talked about for weeks. Then the guy who was stabbed started dating my sister, or that's what I thought at the time. I had a huge crush on this guy, his name was Killian. He was so hot. I guess I was kind of flirty-well, okay, I was a huge flirt. It turned out that Killian was gay too, and just dating my sister as a cover. We started getting closer and I really liked him a lot. Just when I was really getting my hopes up about me and Killian, he decided that he liked another guy more. So I kind of got my heart broken. That happens to everybody and wouldn't have been a big deal-Killian and I are even friends now-except for what happened next. Someone else was killed at a Halloween party at our house. The police investigated and nothing seemed to happen. Then about a month later, all hell broke loose.”
I paused in my narrative while I tried to figure out how to tell the next part. Kody misunderstood my hesitation and spoke up. “Jake, you don't have to tell me this if you don't want,” he said, concern filling his voice.
I shook my head. “No. I want to tell you. It was my brother.”
Kody looked at with a mix of confusion and horror. “Your brother was killed?”
“No. Well...I mean my older brother was the murderer.” I was surprised at how calm I sounded, almost clinical. “I found out when he tried to kill me. He killed my whole family.”
“Oh my God...”
“I would be dead except for Killian. He shot my brother and saved my life.”
“Oh...Jake...I...”
I was on a roll now though and couldn't stop, the story just kept rolling from my tongue. “My whole family was gone in one night. Then I find out that the woman I always thought was my aunt is my real mom. She took me in and moved me across the country.”
“I can't imagine what that must have been like.”
“It gets worse. I started using.”
“Using?”
“Drugs, alcohol...sex... You name it, I used it.”
“I...wow...” Kody abruptly stopped walking and his hand went limp in mine. I turned to face him and saw the stunned look on his face.
It suddenly struck me how this all must sound to him. He was so innocent, so pure. What must be going through his mind right now? It didn't take my psychic mother to figure it out. “I know,” I said, my voice tight with bitterness. “You're probably disgusted. I don't do any of that anymore, but...I've seen and done some horrible things. I don't even know why I thought this would work. I'm sorry...” I dropped his hand, turned, and started walking away. I'd only taken a few steps when I felt his hand slide around my wrist. I stopped and turned back around, but refused to look him in the eye. I didn't want to see emptiness and pain where moments before there'd been such warmth and (Dare I even think it?) love.
“Look at me,” he commanded in a gentle voice. I slowly lifted my gaze to meet his. There was pain in his eyes, but not like what I had expected. This was empathy for my pain, and it was softened by compassion. “I'm not disgusted. I'm...shocked. I...I don't know what I would have done if I was in your place. I don't even know if I could have survived it. What happened to you was horrible. But...I'm glad you told me. I can't imagine how hard it must be for you to talk about it. It means a lot that you'd trust me that much. I... I like you, Jake. A lot. I want to try and make this work...whatever this is.”
His fingers slipped from my wrist to intertwine with mine. The sincerity in his eyes told me that he meant every word. A sense of relief washed over me that made me want to whoop with joy, but I somehow restrained myself. I couldn't restrain the grin that spread across my face.
“You really mean that?” I asked, hardly daring to believe what I was hearing.
“Yep,” he said with a smile of his own.
“I really want this to work too.” I wanted to kiss him so bad, but my instincts told me it was too soon. I settled for a quick hug instead. “We should probably get back to the others,” I said, even though what I really wanted was more time alone with this incredible guy. I fell a little more for him with every passing second.
We walked back towards the bus stop in a comfortable silence, still hand-in-hand. The others were waiting for us when we got back. Erin took in our hand-holding and gave me a wink. Judging by her smug expression, she was quite pleased with the success of her plan. I was sure I'd hear all about it as soon as we were alone.
The camaraderie from earlier was back in full-force on the bus ride back to campus. Once there, I insisted on walking Kody back to his apartment. We all said goodnight and went our separate ways. Kody and I walked as slowly as possible in order to drag out our time together. At his door, I once again found myself fighting to keep from giving him a good-night kiss. A slight hesitation on Kody's part is all that kept me from going for it. It would wait, and it would be all the sweeter for the wait. Somehow, I was sure he was worth it.
Chapter 12
Breaking Masks
Josh Aterovis and Dave Dabeagle
© 2004
"Kody"
I walked in and darted over to the window overlooking the street. Jake was on the sidewalk, looking up at the building. I smiled at him, but I guess he didn't see me, as he turned and started walking up the street. I watched him go, his slender frame in the spotlight of a streetlamp. His hair sparkled in the soft glow of the streetlight, and still glimmered a bit when he left its glare. I sighed as he disappeared from view. I should have asked him to stay. How can I possibly sleep tonight knowing he's out there?
I grinned to myself and walked back towards my hamper, unbuttoning my shirt as I went. Jake and I had a few things in common, like our unconventional families. I knew there was something he wasn't saying though, but I could wait. He'd told me more than he had to already, enough to show he wants something to happen. That started a little gnawing of nerves in the back of my mind, but I relished the fact that I had a golden opportunity for something real. I grabbed a soda from the fridge and went back to the window to stare at the spot where Jake had been only moments before. My eyes and thoughts drifted up the street to where the streetlamp's glow had made him stand out in grand fashion. Funny, he looked so natural in a spotlight.
After a while, I moved to the couch, still running our conversation over and over in my head. Jake and I really did have a lot in common, from our parents to not finding someone to whom we really felt connected. I blushed as I recalled how I'd neglected to fill him in about how I'd been watching him from the first time I saw him that day coming out of the admin building, let alone orientation or the bookstore. No sense making a complete fool of myself!
I put the unfinish
ed soda in my fridge, and decided I should at least try to sleep before getting up for work. I took one more glance out of the window, hoping to see him coming back, like they always do in the movies where they always stand under the window and toss small stones to get the person's attention. Then they say sweet things, and maybe they run off together. Finally, I went to bed, still thinking of Jake and feeling as though I couldn't be happier than to know he was interested in me, even if all we did was talk all night-especially after we had talked all night.
* * *
Max and I opened Saturday morning, and Mike wandered in a few minutes after we arrived. I got the initial round of coffee pots going, and Mike set up cups for easy reach. Max sipped her hot chocolate and stared at Mike's ass whenever he wasn't looking. I wonder if I did that with Jake. I don't think I had ever stared at his ass. Now that I think about it, I wonder exactly what his ass is like. I made a mental note to check it out the next chance I got.
People began to wander in and soon we were balls to the wall busy. “Assholes and elbows” my dad used to say, so many people it was positively chaotic. Jake showed up just after the initial rush. He hadn't taken the time to check himself in the mirror and whatnot, and he looked all rumpled and cute. I made him a coffee before he got to the counter. Max bumped me and told me to take my break, so I brought the coffee out to Jake, meeting him halfway across the store.
“You look like you need this,” I said to him. I was unable to hide the smirk as one eyebrow went up.
“You trying to tell me I don't look good in the morning?”
“I think you look kinda cute, all wrinkled and half awake.” I smiled back at him as we sat at a table. The tide of people had slacked off and I felt comfortable in speaking that way to him in public. He placed his hands on the sides of the cup, inhaling the scent, and looking as if the smell of coffee was the best thing that had ever entered his nostrils. I had a flash in my head, years from now taking pleasure in making his coffee in the morning, breakfast in bed for his birthday or our anniversary. I think I could spend a lot of time waking up to that expression.
“What?”
I realized Jake had opened his eyes and seen me staring at him while I was lost in all these silly, domestic thoughts.
“Nothing, Jake. How's your coffee?” I asked.
“Perfect. Just what I needed.” He took a sip and smiled at me.
“So what are you doing today?”
“Laundry. I'm almost out of clothes.”
That would be a tragedy, I thought with a smirk.
“What are you doing today?”
“Laundry, too. There's a place a couple doors down from my building. I may have to pry Nick out of his apartment too.” I winked at Jake. “Steve left sometime early this morning.”
“How do you know?”
“I heard him fall down the stairs.”
“You what?”
“I heard this crash, and it woke me up, so I poked my head into the hallway, and there was Nick rushing down to help Steve. I guess too much sex makes you unsteady on your feet.” I sniggered at the remembered sight of Steve and Nick.
“Are you speaking from experience?” Jake asked with a smirk.
“I'm not that kind of boy,” I said flippantly, but I knew my cheeks were showing my embarrassment.
“What kind of boy are you?” Jake asked suggestively. I guess the coffee had hit the part of his brain that picked on me.
“The kind that doesn't kiss on the first date.”
“How many dates do I have to go before that happens?”
“Well, I haven't even been asked out for the first time,” I said looking up at the ceiling, feigning being cool and collected while my heart pounded in my chest. I was amazed he couldn't hear it.
“What? That cozy, intimate dinner for eight wasn't enough?” Jake laughed.
“Nope,” I giggled. “Dinner for two would qualify though.”
“Well, I don't have a place for us to go and I don't really know any restaurants, but wherever you want to go is fine with me.”
“Well, I know this little second floor walk up with a pretty decent cook,” I said. I couldn't believe I was being so forward! I'm sure my cheeks were crimson, but damn it, I wanted to see him again.
“Kody, are you asking me out?” Jake teased.
“No,” I replied as I stood up to go back to work, “I'm telling you dinner is at seven. Be there if you're hungry.”
“What's on the menu?” he called as I walked away.
“You want to know, be there at seven!” I called back. My father would kill me if he saw how I was acting, but Jake as coming to dinner at my place tonight and that was all that mattered! Now, the only thing left to do was figure out what I was going to cook...and how to make it!
* * *
“So let me get this straight, you were flirting with him, and it got out of control, and now you don't know what to make him for dinner?”
“Your words, not mine,” I said while loading the washing machine. I just knew asking Nick for help would come at a price, but his ribbing had already worn thin.
“Wow. I mean, I've done some things to get in guys' pants before, but I always had a plan!” He chuckled and I glared at him.
“I'm not trying to get in his pants, just so you know,” I muttered as I fed quarters into the slot and started the machine on its first cycle.
“Why not? Jake is pretty fine if you ask me. If you weren't interested, and I wasn't with Steve, I'd be trying.”
“Because, I want more than a one night stand!”
“Down, Simba! I was just saying that he's hot. I guess I don't understand why you aren't interested in what he's packing.”
“It's not that I'm not interested, it's just…” I sighed before sitting down. “I want some thing real for my….for my first time. Okay, I said it. Are you happy now? I am virgin-a fucking sexual loser. All right?”
“Whoa, calm down, man! I'm sorry, I didn't realize all that. I just assumed someone that's as cute as you had some experience, that's all. I didn't mean anything!” Nick soothed and I sat still, embarrassed.
“I just don't want to mess this up. I mean, I don't know if it'll work out or not, but Jake likes me and I like him, and I want something more than a night of sex. I really want something…romantic.” I trailed off into a whisper.
“Kody, that's cool man. There is nothing wrong with that. Listen, let me tell you something about me. I was in love with a Jake once too, so I know how they can twist you up in knots.” He smiled at me as I looked into his face.
I waited in silence for him to continue. He took a deep breath and leaned back in his chair before starting.
“Jake was awesome, funny and smart, and he really loved me. He still does, and I love him too, but he loves Greg more and I had to let him go. I went through a phase after Jake and I broke up, after I came here for my freshman year. I gave a new meaning to the term bed-spread!” My eyes must have been wide because he laughed at my expression before continuing. “I think I've really found something with Steve though. We sat up all night and talked, drank coffee, and actually slept together without any bodily fluids changing addresses. The strange thing was I woke up and felt good about that. I felt good like the last time I slept with my Jake. So I guess what I am trying to say is I respect what you're feeling with Jake, and what you want to try and build. But if you want a recipe, you came to the wrong guy. I screw up mac and cheese!”
I chuckled at him and went to the soda machine for something to do. I felt nervous, but I was always embarrassed if my lack of sexual experience came up. It wasn't something you're proud of unless you were a True Love Waits fanatic. I walked back to my seat next to Nick and plopped down with my soda.
“Seriously, Kody, I think it's cool you want the right guy. I hope Jake is it. I know my Jake was the right guy for me, and I don't regret anything. I know other people that just gave it up while they were drunk, and they did regret it. You can't get that first time back. S
o stick to your guns, man.”
I hadn't expected him to agree with me, and I chewed on that for a minute. I really wanted to make the right choice. I wanted to follow my heart and not just my loins. I wanted mind, body and soul...as well as head. I felt a flash of guilt at that, but there it was. I did want to have sex, but I was determined after having so many romantic misadventures that I would do this right. Still, for all my thinking, I was pleased Nick backed me up, a little moral support if you will.
After my last load of laundry was done, I headed upstairs to get my stuff put away and make an embarrassing phone call. I dragged out putting the socks away and folding my underwear. I don't know anyone else that folds their underwear. Charlie practically rolls them into a ball and squeezes them in a drawer. I hung my shirts and put the pants away before hunting up my phone card and dialing home.
“Thank you for calling the Java Script, how can I help you?”
Breaking Masks Page 17
