Breaking Masks

by Josh Aterovis

  “Kody?” Jake waved a hand in front of me, breaking into my thoughts of grabbing onto him and pressing myself against his warm flesh, just to know what it would feel like.

  “You're….yeah...hi...good morning...” I stammered, blushing to my roots but unable to tear my eyes from their feast. His long arms dropped back to his side—strong arms with visible but not bulging muscle. I looked up into his face to see a blushing grin and resisted once more the urge to step into his embrace.

  “Jesus,” Foster muttered as he turned away from the door.

  “Just let me get some clothes on. Come on in.” Jake smiled at me and turned his smooth, strong back to me. Wide shoulders tapered down into a trim waist with small blond hairs dotting the tanned skin. I followed blindly.

  “You guys aren't going to make out or anything, are you?” Foster grumbled.

  “After the eyeful I got last night, Foster, we could do a lot more and still not be anywhere near as gross as you two were,” Jake snapped. Obviously, there was a bone of contention here. Foster declined to argue the point, simply rolling his ugly frame back into bed and pulling the covers up over his head.

  I tried not to watch Jake as he dug for a shirt in his closet. Instead, I glanced about the room. Jake's side was fairly neat, with a few books and CD's on shelves and a computer on his desk. Foster's side had empty beer bottles and his computer was on with a screen saver of some big-tittied broad. My mind kept wandering back to Jake, however, completely entranced by the physical side of him that I had never seen—but hoped to see more of. What would it feel like to touch his skin? Would it be as soft and smooth as it looked? Would it yield slightly to the touch, warm and supple?

  He shrugged on a black button up shirt and I watched as the skin of his upper body disappeared from view, one agonizing button at a time. Jake favored me with another smile before digging for socks in a drawer. I felt silly, standing and watching him dress, but then I could also see myself years from now doing the same thing and enjoying it just as much. Jesus, I am so weird!

  We stepped into the hallway a few minutes later, Jake regrettably dressed and my heartbeat returning to normal—or as close to it as I ever got with Jake around.

  “I'm so glad you came over. I slept really late today. I never sleep this late,” Jake said as we walked to the elevator.

  “I couldn't sleep last night either.” I avoided his gaze. He probably thought I sat up with a hard on all night considering the way I kept staring at him this morning.

  “Well, I got back here and got an eyeful of Foster pounding his girlfriend.” Jake shivered to accentuate the horror of the situation. Wow! He walked in on that and lived to tell the tale? And to think, I was worried Jake might have a thing going with his roommate!

  “So what did you do?”

  “I went down to the club on campus and ran into Erin. She thinks you're cute.” He smiled at me. The elevator reached the lobby, and we stepped out where Roy was still trying to make conversation with Jen. I tried to sneak, but Jake blew that out of the water by calling out a hello to Roy.

  I felt sorry for him. The look on his face was lost. I think Jen had discovered he wasn't much of a conversationalist. As bad as I felt, I wanted time with Jake and willed him to keep moving for the door. I guess he couldn't hear me.

  “Aren't you going to introduce me to your friend, Roy?” Jake said to him.

  “Oh, yeah, this is Jen. Jen this is my friend Jake, the gay guy.” I winced inside as Roy made introductions. Jen looked over at me, practically a wallflower at this point.

  “Looks like you found him. I can see why you were looking.” Jen smiled at Jake. Everyone thinks Jake is cute. I just hope he keeps thinking I am. I merely nodded at her and they engaged in a brief conversation, mostly about Erin and the bragging she did about her friends this term. Erin really cared for Jake, I realized, since she seemed to mention him to others so often.

  At last, I was able to take Jake by the hand and lead him from the building before Roy invited himself along. I may be mistaken, but I think Jen looked wistfully at us as we left.

  “Kody, what's your rush?” Jake asked playfully.

  “Ulterior motives, of course! I want you all to myself.”

  “Okay, well, you got it mister.” He grinned at me. “What do you want to do?”

  Ask if I'm your boyfriend, I thought to myself. Unfortunately, like the lion, I lacked the courage.

  “We could go to the mall? Take the bus?”

  “Sounds good. You know which bus to take?”

  “Yep,” I replied confidently.

  “Well, sounds like you got it planned out. How about some coffee first?”

  “Sure, there's a Dunkin Donuts up the street.”

  “But I wanted to go to the Morning Rush.” Jake pouted a bit.

  “Well…If it's what you want.” I knew they would tease me there and I wanted to enjoy my time with Jake without that, but if it was what he wanted, then we'd do it.

  “Is there a reason you...don't want me in there?”

  “No. Why?”

  “Kody, you are the world's worst liar, you know that?” He laughed at me, a nervous sound.

  “Okay, okay. They will make fun of me, tease me `cause we're...together. They'll ask me if we're boyfriends and all that. That's all.” That and I don't know what we are, exactly.

  “So? Tell `em yeah, he's my boyfriend, hands off!” He laughed again, heartily, confidently.

  “So...we're boyfriends?” I asked. This was too good to be true. I just had to ask and make sure I'd heard what he said correctly.

  “Well, unless...you don't want to,” Jake said, stopping in mid-stride to look at me. Was he actually worried that I'd say no to him?

  “Of course I want to,” I whispered. “I just didn't know if you...if you wanted to. I mean if you wanted me to be...um...”

  Jake leaned in and put his forehead on mine and smiled at me. “You worry too much. You're really cute when you do it, but you worry too much. It's not just my choice what we are or what we do. If we're going to do this, it's together, fifty-fifty. Okay?”

  I nodded dumbly, feeling like a moron.

  “So do you want to be my boyfriend?” Jake asked softly.

  “Yeah, more than anything,” I muttered, unable to meet his eyes.

  “I want that too. Now that we've settled that, weren't we on our way somewhere?” He grinned at me again and my worries evaporated. I needed my head examined.

  “I have to get a picture of you!” Jake's eyebrows shot up in surprise. “It's for my brother, not that I don't want one too, but he wants to see what you look like.” I decided I could tell him about Andy at a later date—much later.

  “Can I have my coffee first?” Jake flashed me those beautiful blue eyes.

  “Okay, but if they make fun of me, you'll pay for it.” I took his hand and dragged him forward.

  We entered the shop and found the place deserted. No customers, no workers—it was like a ghost town.

  “Hello?” I said. I walked in a little farther and looked towards the managers' office. The chair was empty. I walked to the back door and poked my head out, still seeing no one.

  “Where is everyone?” Jake wondered aloud and I shrugged my shoulders in response. Having no one in the store was freaky and somewhat disturbing.

  The storage room door suddenly opened and Max stepped out, flushed and breathing heavily. She brushed her hair from her face, and I figured she was rearranging stock. Then I heard the unmistakable sound of a zipper going up floating from the closing door.

  Max blushed very hard, covered her mouth with one hand, and giggled as she moved towards the counter. I looked at her in amazement and she giggled again.

  “Did you need something, Kody?” she asked.

  “I just stopped in to get Jake some coffee,” I said nodding towards the aforementioned Jake. She nodded, handed me a cup, and shooed me away from the counter, all the while acting as if nothing had happened. I handed the cup
to Jake, who went about filling it quickly.

  “Hey Max, are you coming back?” Mike asked as he poked his head out of the store room. I burst out laughing and Max pushed us toward the door. This is unbelievable!

  “Go! You can't talk about this! Go!” she hissed, but as I looked at her face, I could only see the tongue stud popping in and out on her tongue, and I laughed all the more while she pushed me out the front door. Marla was just outside, coming back from her break, I'd assume.

  “What's so funny?” she asked.

  “Nothing,” Max giggled.

  “Are you gonna finish this?” Mike called out.

  Oh God, I think I'm gonna pee my pants!

  * * *

  We climbed aboard the bus, but not until after we stood outside laughing like we were stoned or something. Mike isn't attractive, at least not to me, and I don't like thinking about what straight people do in their bedrooms (or not in their bedrooms in this case), but this was just too much.

  The bus trundled towards the mall. Jake had happily consumed his coffee and was more awake. We sat towards the back, side by side with his hand covering mine. The bus wasn't very crowded so there was no real worry about anyone giving us a hard time, but the affection brought a special closeness to the ride.

  Jake told me more about his home town and his friends like Killian and Killian's ex-boyfriend Asher. He told me all about Killian's detective work and his mentor, a retired policeman. Killian sounded like quite the guy, I was beginning to wonder how I could possibly measure up to that.

  “So, you and Killian were never a couple?” I asked.

  “No. I wanted to be, but then I left for California with my mom. When we moved back I was still hoping `cause he was my first love, and that's always special, you know?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Killian was my first kiss, my first make out…he was a lot of firsts for me.”

  “Do you still love him?”

  “Of course I do. I'll always love him. He's my best friend.” Jake chuckled. “Don't you still love your first?”

  I squirmed a bit in my seat. “Well, um, yeah, you could say that.”

  “Well, come on! I just told you all these details about me! Give!” He poked me in the ribs and I squirmed some more.

  “Cut it out! Nerd,” I muttered.

  “Kody, come on. Who was your first? What was his name?”

  “His name?” I looked down on my hands.

  “Yeah, who was he? How do I stack up?”

  “Well...” I fidgeted.

  “What?” Jake was waiting for me to grade his kissing versus my first. God, I felt like such a loser.

  “Last night was my first kiss, Jake.” I sighed and looked up into his eyes, those sunny-day, sky-blue eyes. “I'm a total...virgin. Okay?” I looked back down at my hands. One of his strong, tanned hands crossed into my field of vision and fell gently over my folded hands.

  “So I guess no matter what happens between you and me, you'll always remember me then, huh?” His words were quiet, almost solemn.

  “Nope, I don't want to even think about that.” I couldn't yet voice my concern that I wouldn't be enough to hold onto him. The last thing he'd want is some clingy drama queen.

  “I feel so good though, that you chose me to be your first!” he said as he squeezed my hands.

  “Why? You've probably kissed a lot of guys.”

  Jake grew quiet, his hand slowly tightening until I forced myself to break his grasp. He didn't seem to notice. His eyes looked faraway, deep in contemplation, before returning to me suddenly.

  “Yeah, I've kissed a lot of guys. I…” He hesitated and then placed his hand back over mine. “I felt a lot for Killian when we kissed. Your first is like that.” He sighed.

  “I'm not Killian.”

  “I know that. I'm not trying to compare you, kissing you is nothing like kissing him. His kiss was special because it was the first one. Yours was special because of how...how strongly I feel for you.”

  “You do?” Could it really be that I could keep this one?

  “Yeah! I have been interested plenty of times, and sometimes I got shot down like that teacher I told you about. Sometimes, like with Killian there was timing and...other factors. But you, I just want to...I really want this to work. You're interested, so am I, and I...I don't want to mess it up.”

  I decided we needed a little levity, this was entirely too serious, even though my heart swelled at his statement.

  “Want to hear something funny?” He smiled at me and nodded. “When I went to your room and saw you shared with someone I got all jealous that they were with you. I wondered if you might, you know, have a cute roommate, and maybe had something going there.”

  “With Foster?” Jake's jaw dropped, and I smiled, nodding. He tried to hold it back, but the laughter poured out of him, and I joined him, giggling mindlessly at my silly jealous streak.

  “I know, silly right?”

  “What? You mean you don't think I'm cute enough to get Foster?”

  “I think...I think you're cute enough for me to worry about it!”

  “Hmm...” Jake rolled his eyes to the roof of the bus, appearing to think it over. “Foster isn't really my type.”

  “No?” I asked, giggling.

  “No, definitely not. And I don't think he could make a decent cup of coffee anyway.”

  “The truth comes out!” I threw my arms up dramatically. “You only want me for my coffee.”

  “Am I that transparent?” Jake asked in a stage whisper.

  It was on the tip of my tongue to say `I love you', and I mean it was a near thing. But after just a few days? He'd think I was crazy—a clinger. No, I'd be patient. I just smiled instead and took his hand for the remainder of the ride.

  * * *

  Shopping with Jake was so much fun I didn't want it to end. We went from store to store and tried on all sorts of clothes. We even tried on suits, and we looked good, if I do say so myself. We went to Macy's and JC Penny and Old Navy. We tried stuff on at American Eagle and Abercrombie & Fitch, as well as Filene's. Jake was made for fine clothes. They just accentuated his natural physique. I liked silk on him best, and made a mental note to purchase some for him for Christmas. It would be kind of a gift for him that was also for me.

  We tried on shoes, and walked through housewares looking at cooking stuff. I looked at this electronic wedding register where you could make a record of what you needed as a wedding gift. I wondered if we'd ever have need of such a thing. He sidled up to me, and I kept him form seeing the machine as we walked away from the store and back into the mall. I wouldn't want him to clue in on my silly thoughts, but it stayed in the back of my mind, though.

  We went into the pet store and looked at the puppies and small furry creatures. I told him I'd always liked dogs, and about the beagle we had at home. He asked more about my family and we sat down to have an Orange Julius while I filled him in on Charlie and the many loves he's had. I probably sounded like a pathetic loser describing how Charlie was such a charmer, but I was a little more comfortable about it now.

  “You know, that stuff doesn't really matter,” Jake said, as if he could read my mind.

  “What stuff?”

  “Like how fast you lose your virginity. Everyone is different. Everyone develops in their own way and in their own time.”

  “I know. I just wanted some of that feeling, you know? I always made bad choices. Like Andy.” I sighed.

  “Who's Andy?”

  I filled him on the whole sordid story of Andy and the band, and how my piss-poor self-esteem took another hit. I hadn't put myself out there for anyone after Andy. I was too afraid.

  “So why did you take the risk on me? Did I look easy?” Jake smiled at me.

  “No!” I stuck my tongue out at him. “Just too fucking cute for words, asshole.”

  “Well, you're the cutest coffee boy I've ever seen.”

  “Stop.”