Breaking Masks

by Josh Aterovis

  I walked back to school in a numb haze. I knew my heart was breaking, but I couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel anything. Erin looked up as I came through the door of the dorm.

  “Jake? You okay?”

  I shook my head no. I opened my mouth to answer her but nothing came out at first. I took a deep breath and tried again. “It's all over.”

  Her face froze in horror. “What? No! It can't be! I mean, you guys were so happy. What happened?”

  I shook my head again. “He found out the truth.”

  “Oh, sweetie, I'm so sorry. He took it badly?”

  “I don't know how he took it. I wasn't there when he found out.”

  “What? You didn't tell him?”

  “No.”

  “Then how'd he find out?”

  “Becca.”

  “Becca? But...how'd she find out?”

  “She did a Google search and pulled up articles about the whole thing. Then she took it all to Kody.”

  “Oh my God! Have you talked to him?”

  “I can't find him. He must be avoiding me. I...I've looked everywhere.”

  “That doesn't mean—”

  “Erin, stop. I can't...” I stopped and took another deep breath. I quickly walked to the elevator and pushed the call button. The doors slid open, and I stepped inside.

  Erin jumped out from behind the desk and ran to catch me. “Jake, wait!”

  “I'm going home,” I said as the door closed over her shocked expression.

  The elevator doors slid open and I stumbled into the hallway feeling like a zombie. My feet had never felt heavier as I made my way to my room. The stairwell door at the end of the hall burst open just as I reached my door, and Erin came storming towards me.

  “What the hell?” she demanded when she reached me. “What do you mean you're going home?”

  “I need to get away to think.”

  “Why can't you think here?”

  I gave a derisive snort. “Right, like I'd be able to think knowing Kody is so close and yet avoiding me.”

  “Don't be stupid. You can't just jump to conclusions. Kody is crazy about you. He would never avoid you.”

  “Then where is he? Why hasn't anyone seen him all day?”

  “Who knows, Jake?” She threw her hands in the air. “He had classes; maybe he went to the library to do research. Or he could have skipped and gone to the mall to buy sexy underwear for you, or gone grocery shopping... The point is you don't really know.”

  “He's avoiding me, Erin. Now that he knows what I used to be he's disgusted by me.”

  “You don't even know if Becca really told him or not. You can't trust that psycho bitch!”

  “She did. I can feel it. And...my mom called this morning.”

  “So?”

  “She knew something was wrong.”

  “Huh?” Confusion washed over Erin's face.

  “My mom is...she's a psychic. She knew something was wrong. I didn't know what it was then, but as soon as she hung up I had a feeling it was Kody. And now he's been missing all day and Becca...It's obvious that Kody is avoiding me because he doesn't want to be with me. He's disgusted by me. I have to go. I need to get away.”

  “Okay. I guess I can understand how you might need to get away for a few days, but then you are coming back, right?”

  I looked away. “Maybe.”

  “Maybe? What do you mean maybe?”

  “Maybe I won't want to come back. I don't think I could stand to look in his eyes and see hurt and disgust.” She opened her mouth but I cut her off. “Pity would be even worse. And I'd be running into him all the time. I just...I just don't know if I can deal with that.”

  Her eyes darkened. “Oh, for God's sake! Don't be such a drama queen!”

  That wasn't at all what I had been expecting. For a moment, I was shocked into silence, then anger flooded in, and my hand itched to slap her across the face. “Like you could understand,” I said through clenched teeth. “You've got a great guy who worships the ground you walk on. What have I ever had? Nothing! Oh, no, I'm sorry. How could I forget Fenton? A middle-aged pimp who pumped me full of drugs so he could fuck me.” Erin flinched, but I wasn't finished. “And now, just when I start to believe I might find love, that there might be some happiness in my life, it's all snatched away. Do you know what that feels like?”

  “No. No, I don't. And I'm sorry that happened to you, but what happened before doesn't have anything to do with Kody.”

  I threw my arms up. “It has everything to do with Kody. That's why he's disgusted by me.”

  “You keep saying that! You don't know he's disgusted.”

  “Yeah, maybe he's thrilled that I used to be a drug-addicted whore.” I took a deep, shaky breath and rubbed my face wearily. “Erin, I just need to get away, okay? Please try to understand that and don't make this any harder than it already is.”

  Her body sagged. “Jake...”

  “Erin, don't.” I turned and inserted my key in the door. It swung open to reveal Foster and Fawn naked and tangled in his sheets. I walked in and shut the door behind me, leaving Erin in the hall.

  Foster sat up and gave me a dirty look. “What the fuck?”

  I ignored him and walked over to the phone. I picked it up and dialed home. It rang twice before Mom answered.

  “Jake?”

  “I need you to come get me.”

  “I'm leaving now.”

  I hung up and pulled my suitcases out of the closet. I had six hours to pack and get ready to go home. There was nothing left for me here now.

  Chapter 16

  Breaking Masks

  Josh Aterovis and Dave Dabeagle

  © 2004

  "Kody"

  My breath plumed out in front of me in the cold morning, and I stamped my feet on the sidewalk to keep my blood flowing. God it was cold! No one ever told me it got this cold here. What would happen when winter actually arrived? Marla's car pulled into the small lot, and a moment later she turned the corner, smoking the last of her pre-work carcinogens.

  “We can't talk about Max. I won't be able to stop laughing and we won't get any work done at all.” Marla stated flatly. We both burst into laughter as she unlocked the door and we stepped into the warmth of the shop. I started the coffee pots right away, knowing I'd need some really quickly. Marla put her coat away, and I followed suit once the pots were happily gurgling to themselves.

  “So how are things with you and Mr. Cutie Patootie?”

  “His name is Jake, and things are so totally awesome.” I sighed.

  “Oh ho!” Marla turned with a hand on her hip and a smile on her lips. “Dish the dirt. Is he a good kisser?”

  “We'll, he'll need some more practice before he's perfect at it. But I intend to give him all the practice he wants!” I laughed.

  “Oh, that's so cute!” Marla laughed as she put the alarm code into the safe. “Did you guys spend the weekend together?”

  “Pretty much, we went to the concert Friday and we danced.” I blushed and Marla broke into a big smile.

  “Is he a good dancer?”

  “I...don't remember! I was so busy looking at him and enjoying how he felt next to me...” I trailed off as I remembered how it felt to be in his arms.

  “Sounds like someone is falling hard,” she said as she filled the cash register with daily funds.

  I shrugged. “Way past that. He owns me even if he doesn't know it yet.” She just laughed again, but as I finished getting the store ready and poured us both cups of coffee, I realized with a hint of fear that I wasn't lying or even exaggerating. If I thought I was scared before, I was terrified now.

  My shift ended, and it was time for me to get to class, but Jake hadn't been in for his morning coffee yet. I made Marla promise to take good care of him and headed off. On the way, I acquired an escort roughly the size of Manhattan.

  “Morning, Roy,” I commented.

  “Hi Kody.”

  “How'd things go with you and Je
n?” I turned to look at him.

  “Oh, good! I don't have to talk much. She seems to like me okay. I was thinking maybe we could all go out sometime-or something.”

  “Hmm, did you run that idea by Jake yet?”

  “No, he wasn't awake when I stopped by his room. Foster was still asleep too, but he had a class at eight so I guess he missed it.”

  “Does he do that a lot?” I asked. I was secretly thinking that if Foster flunked out, I was applying to live in the dorms. I already had a room picked out!

  “Yeah, I guess so. People think I'm dumb, but he's stupid.”

  “It's been said ignorance can be educated, drunkenness sobered but stupid-” I tried to clasp Roy's shoulder and settled for his upper arm. “-stupid is forever.”

  Roy rumbled a chuckle in reply. “So how are things going with Jake?”

  “Pretty good, I think. I just gotta quit being dumb about him.” I grimaced.

  “Well, this good friend of mine said that dumb can be made smarter and stupid-no, drunk-no, wait...”

  I just shook my head. We arrived at class, took our seats, and were quickly swept away in facts and pages of notes. I would have been more swept away except that Roy forgot his pen, and then he realized he had the wrong notebook, and could he have a few pieces of paper? Next thing you know, we were like the world's goofiest Siamese twins as we looked on at the same textbook.

  “How do you forget everything you need for a class?” I hissed at him.

  “I grabbed her books this morning by mistake.”

  “You…her…what?”

  “I went to Jen's last night and stayed the night-” Roy started but I cut him off.

  “I don't want to know.”

  “But-”

  “I don't want to know!” I insisted.

  “But we didn't-”

  “No!”

  “So is it okay if we share a book this morning?”

  “As long as you don't share anything else about last night, sure!”

  “But it was fun.”

  “Roy...” My voice took on a tone of warning.

  “What?” he asked innocently.

  “I. Don't. Want. To. Know,” I said through gritted teeth.

  “Okay.”

  “Good.”

  “I don't know why you are so uptight about sex, Kody,” he whispered.

  Argh! Would this class never end?

  “Roy, do you picture Jake and I having sex?”

  “What? No! I'm not gay!”

  “Well I am, and I don't want to picture you and Jen making the two backed beast!” I whispered fiercely.

  “Doing what?”

  “Screwing, fucking, doing the horizontal mambo!” I rolled my eyes and wondered what I had done, exactly, to deserve this.

  “Oh!” Roy said in a tone that revealed this had never occurred to him. “Sorry, Kody.”

  “That's okay, as long as we understand each other.”

  “We do.”

  “Good.”

  The professor droned and my mind desperately tried to focus on the material. It wasn't easy to do, especially with Roy sitting next to me trying to read the same bits I was.

  “Well, since you brought it up, are you guys doing it?”

  I slammed my book shut and grabbed my notebook, taking only enough time to growl in frustration and shoot Roy as dirty a look as I could muster. Was nothing sacred?

  * * *

  I walked briskly across campus trying to get the image of Roy without any clothes on out of my head. Why, oh why, did he do that to me? At least he didn't get more descriptive, like leather or something. Argh! Roy in leather chaps could make me never have a single sexual thought again. And I'd done that to myself!

  I stalked into the library, contemplating being a virgin for life, and not liking it very much. The fact that Jake seemed to hesitate and run whenever we got within sight of the bedroom door wasn't helping either. He'd had sex before, I was sure of it. One doesn't go through life looking the way Jake Sheridan does and not get some play.

  I picked a table near the windows and sat down with my books, figuring I'd read the chapter we were studying in class before Roy had told me all about- Damn! I'd done it again! I'd thought I felt sorry for Jake walking in on his roommate, but this was torture. I wondered if Roy would ever bang Jake's roomie? Ugh! I smacked my head on the table top repeatedly to drive the image out. I am too twisted for my own good.

  I put my notebook on the table and grabbed a pen before cracking the text book. Being so prepared, I promptly looked out the window to daydream about Jake. He could be so sweet, and I still couldn't believe he was interested in me, but what gave with the sex thing? Could he be really bad at it? Yeah, right. Okay, let's look for something realistic now. He has no freaking scars on his body. Well, his upper body. Maybe that's it, he has scars on his legs or something and he's embarrassed. What else could it possibly be? I haven't seen him in shorts, but if his legs look anything like the skin on his chest I'd probably pass out anyway.

  Then it hit me. I am so stupid! It's not Jake at all. It's me.

  How could I be so dumb? I could see it clearly now. He was just waiting to let me down easy. I wondered if it was difficult to do that, to break someone's heart. Now I felt like dog crap, but I knew that I would continue to see Jake right up to when he laughed at me and told me to go away until I had some sexual experience or grew two inches. Either way I was screwed.

  I sat brooding on the day outside. The weather couldn't decide if it wanted to be gloomy or bright, so it was doing both. Clouds would roll in, darken everything, and then the sun would break through and paint light on the earth. I waxed and waned like that too, wondering if I was right about Jake wanting to let me down easy, and feeling a dread in the back of my mind that I'd stumbled across the truth.

  The seat across from me was suddenly occupied by a petite girl with long dark hair. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't place why.

  “Hi, I feel a little silly asking you this, but…are you Jake Sheridan's boyfriend?”

  “Uh, yeah.” I was completely shocked to be having this conversation. Who was this girl? How did she know Jake and I were together?

  “Good, I would have felt silly otherwise!” She giggled and gave me a cheerleader smile. A memory was working its way forward from the back of my mind. She looked so familiar!

  “I'm sorry, do I know you?” I asked.

  “No, I don't think so. I guess I should get to the point.” She wrapped a few strands of her hair around a finger, playing with it as she spoke. “Well Jake kind of had a thing for me a while ago, and I was dumb and played into it. He's a pretty guy, who could blame me, right?”

  I looked at her blankly. Was she out of her mind?

  “Well, things went bad pretty quickly, but I found out some stuff on Jake. See, I did this Internet search to kind of help get me ready for doing research for school, and I found out some really freaky stuff.” She gave me a small, fake smile before she continued. “Has Jake told you about the drugs and alcohol problems he had?”

  “Of course,” I replied. If that was all she was talking about she was scaring me for nothing!

  “Oh, I am so relieved! At least he was honest with you about that part. That whole Fenton Black thing just blew my mind!”

  “Fenton Black?”

  “Yeah! You know, the guy that was giving him all the drugs and fucking him in trade? I don't think Jake's even gay, he just goes where the money is.”

  “Fu-what?” Jake was a whore? He…sold his body for drugs?

  “Oh! I'm sorry,” she put a hand over her small bow shaped mouth. “You said he told you, so I thought you knew. I mean, I had to find out after he dumped me. I thought it was me, but then I realized it was because he expected to be paid. If I were you I'd cut him loose fast, you might catch something. Here, take these and count yourself lucky.”

  She pulled a manila folder from her backpack and slid it across the table to me. I recoiled from it as th
ough it were a sack of slithering snakes. I hate snakes.

  “It's all in there. He's a real whore, you know? Just like the ones you can hire in New York City. He did pretty well for himself, considering-”