Breaking Masks

by Josh Aterovis

  “What happened?”

  I sprawled tiredly on the couch and Nick took a seat at the other end. “Max got sick at work. She's pregnant.”

  “Pregnant? Wow! Is she gonna marry the father?”

  “It looks like the Immaculate Conception. She's not telling who the father is-if she even knows.”

  “Damn. That's freaky. Glad you're okay though. Did you see Jake? He was looking for you earlier, seemed like it was important.”

  “Jake was here?”

  “Yeah.”

  “I have to go see him!” I leaped up from the couch and headed for the door.

  “Hey! Wait! What's going on?”

  Ignoring Nick's calls, I hurried down the stairs and ran up Central Avenue

  , which was deserted this time of night. My feet felt as though they had wings. My lungs burned as I thought of getting to Jake and falling into his arms-anything to make that happen. I turned onto the brick pathways of the college, and bore down on the sullen brick building that was Mohawk Dormitory. I burst through the door, taking in great gulps of air.

  “Hey! What the hell are you doing? You know what time it is?”

  I looked up to see Jen behind the RA desk. I was heaving and trying to catch my breath while my body hummed with the nervous energy of oxygen deprivation.

  “Is that you Kody?”

  “Need…Jake….” I dashed by her and took the stairs, just in case she got to me before the elevator doors closed. I ran up the step two at a time. I slowed down out of necessity by the third floor, and, since I heard no pursuit I figured I was safe. I was practically crawling by the time the stenciled five came into sight on the door to the fifth floor.

  I took a moment to steady myself before heading down the hall to his room. That absurd star confronted me once again, and I paused. This was it, all the days of worrying were about to get settled, and maybe-just maybe I could get back to the business of falling in love. I rapped on the door. Nothing happened. I rapped again, more forcefully, and heard a groan and a crash.

  “Slug, you've got keys, man,” a groggy voice said. Slug?

  Foster opened the door, naked as jaybird, and I feared for my sanity. The more he revealed, the uglier he got!

  “Who is it?” A female voice drifted from the darkness as Foster squinted at me.

  “It's Jake's boyfriend. What the fuck do you want? I pulled my crank outta my woman to answer the door.”

  “I need to see Jake,” I stated.

  “Well, you're shit outta luck, Tinkerbell. Jake ain't here.”

  “Liar. Let me see.”

  “No fucking way! My girl is naked in here!” Foster tried to slam the door shut, but I reached out as quickly as possible and grabbed the only thing I could-his nuts.

  “Let me in right now, you stupid pile of monkey shit, before I do the world a favor and make sure you never have children.” I squeezed his balls hard to show I meant business.

  “Ow! Leggo of me you faggot! Fawn, cover up!” he groaned. I twisted his nuts. This was not something for which I was proud. In fact, if I hadn't been so desperate to see Jake I might have thrown up at the thought of Foster's nuts in my hand. But I needed Jake.

  “Let him go!” Fawn screeched. I fixed her with a glare as I flipped on the light switch and released Foster's claim to mediocrity. Jake's side of the room was empty. His sheets were gone, his computer-everything. Unsteadily, I walked to his closet and placed my trembling hand on the handle. It slid open with a quiet hiss, and empty walls glared at me. What had happened? Where was he?

  “Where's Jake?”

  “He went home, away from your crazy ass,” Fawn rasped. She had lit a cigarette and was blowing smoke out the window as she spoke. Foster glared at me, but said nothing.

  “He went…home? He said he wanted to get away…from me?”

  Fawn sighed, took a drag on her cigarette, and then stubbed it out. “No, he didn't say that. I just figure anyone your size who grabs another guy's balls has to be crazy.”

  “He's a fag. Of course he touched my balls. Fags do that,” Foster mumbled.

  “I have to go find him. How long ago did he leave?”

  “Fuck if I know.” Foster shrugged. Clearly he was still pissed.

  Fawn studied me for a second, then a smile slowly spread across her face that not only would have stopped a clock, it might have made it implode. “You really love him, dontcha?”

  I merely nodded, not trusting my tongue to say something about her unlovely face. It was like a Halloween mask come to life.

  “He called his mom up and said he needed to leave. He didn't sound like he was planning on coming back. Sorry, Kiddo.”

  “I...I have to go find him.”

  “Good luck! You guys would look good together,” she called as I dashed from the room.

  I had to find out where Jake lived!

  Chapter 17

  Breaking Masks

  Josh Aterovis and Dave Dabeagle

  © 2004

  "Jake"

  Don't cry.

  I yanked open my dresser drawers and started throwing clothes into the suitcase.

  “Man, what the fuck's wrong with you?” Foster snarled from his bed. “Can't you see I'm trying to have a little privacy with my girl?”

  “You'll have all the privacy you want in a few hours.”

  “Yeah, well, we were in the middle of something.”

  “Leave him alone, Foster,” Fawn spoke up. “Can't you see he's upset about something?”

  “His queer boyfriend probably dumped him,” my ever-sensitive roommate grumbled. I fought down the growing urge to burst into tears and just kept packing. I will not cry in front of Foster. I will not give him that pleasure.

  After a few minutes of heavy silence, Foster heaved a beleaguered sigh and jumped out of bed. “If you're not leaving any time soon I might as well go take a piss.” He pulled on a pair of gray sweatpants and stomped out the door—or at least he tried to stomp. Barefoot stomping loses some of its effect.

  “You okay?” Fawn asked after a few seconds.

  “I don't want to talk about it.” I restrained myself from adding “especially with you.”

  “That's cool. I was just trying to help.” She was quiet for a few more seconds, but it was like she was incapable of remaining that way for long. “I know what it's like to get hurt by a boy.”

  “Who said I got hurt by a boy?” I snapped impatiently.

  “Trust me, I know the signs well.” She sat up—keeping the sheet carefully pulled over her large breasts—opened the window, and lit up a cigarette. She inhaled deeply, held it in for a few seconds, and then slowly released the smoke towards the window. Technically, we aren't allowed to smoke in the dorms, but I wasn't in the mood to make an issue if it. “You just got your heart broken.”

  I grabbed the first thing within reach—a coffee mug—and hurled it against the wall. The mug shattered into dozens of small pieces. “I don't want to talk about it,” I managed to choke out through the tightness in my throat. I will not cry.

  “Hey, I understand. You're angry. I've been there. But you can't run away.”

  “Did I ask you? Besides, who said I'm running away?”

  “I suppose you're just packing for the fun of it?”

  “I just need to get away.”

  “You're running away.”

  “Fine, I'm running away. So what? How is that your business?”

  “It's not. I'm just saying...you can't run away from it. You're gonna hurt no matter where you are.” She pulled her knees up to her chest and rested her chin on her knees, watching me while I busily kept packing. “You'll get over him eventually. Then someone else will come along. Maybe someone better.”

  “Like Foster?” I scoffed.

  She laughed. “Foster's just keeping me occupied while I wait for that someone better. He's not the marrying type, if you know what I mean, but he's great in bed. He'll do things most guys won't.”

  “You know, I really d
on't want to talk about that.”

  Just then, Foster returned, sparing me from all the gory details of their sex life. He gave me a dirty look. “Are you still here?”

  “Six hours, Foster, then I'll be gone. Think you can wait that long?”

  “Where are you going?”

  “Home.”

  “For good?”

  “That remains to be seen.”

  He shrugged. “Whatever. Come on, Fawn. Let's go get something to eat.”

  Fawn dropped her cigarette into a beer can where it died with a fizzle, then grabbed her clothes from the floor next to the bed. She dressed under the sheets, and then, finally, the lovely couple made their exit, leaving me gratefully alone. My vow not to cry lasted all of thirty seconds before I was a sobbing heap on the floor. I'd pretty much cried myself out when I heard a key in the door. I cut off my tears with a hiccup and quickly wiped my teary face on my blanket. I was scrambling to my feet when Roy opened the door. A look of concern crossed his face as he took in my disheveled, red-eyed appearance.

  “Jake, what's wrong?” He stood awkwardly by the door. I shook my head, not trusting myself to speak. “Is it Kody?” I nodded. “What happened? Did you find him?” Another head-shake. “Did you guys break up?” Much to my embarrassment, I once again burst into tears. “Oh jeez, Jake. I'm sorry.” He shifted uncomfortably from foot to foot, then suddenly charged across the room towards me. I involuntarily flinched as he reached me, but much to my amazement, he enveloped me in what had to be the gentlest hug I'd ever received.

  He must have noticed the suitcase while my face was still pressed into his massive chest. “Why are you packing?” He released me so abruptly I stumbled back a few steps. At least I'd stopped crying from the shock. “You're not leaving are you?” He sounded so horrified by the prospect that I felt bad that I'd not even thought about letting him know I was going home.

  “I...I need to get away, Roy. I need some time to think away from everybody—well, away from him at least.”

  “But...but...”

  “I might be back in a few days.”

  “Then why are you packing everything?”

  I squeezed my eyes shut and rubbed my forehead. Roy was not as dumb as most people thought. “I just need to get away, Roy. Please try to understand.”

  “But you're my only friend here.”

  “That's not true. You're friends with Erin, and there's Jen. Things are just getting started there. You don't need me around for that. And then there's always...Kody...”

  “Erin's your friend, not mine. And I do need you around for Jen. Who am I going to ask for advice? And Kody...well, he only put up with me because of you.” Now, he looked like he might cry at any minute. “You're my best friend, Jake. I don't want you to go.”

  I dropped down on the bed next to the suitcase and thought about what Roy had said. I was his best friend? I'd barely been a friend to him at all. I'd more tolerated him than anything. Suddenly, I felt terribly guilty at the way I'd taken him for granted. He was always there, listening to my problems and watching out for me—truly being a friend. And what had I given him in return? Not much, and yet, he still thought I was a great friend.

  I swallowed the lump in my throat and tried to sound cheery, not an easy prospect in my current state of mind. “Hey, no matter what happens, we'll stay friends. Got it? You can call me anytime, email me, and even come visit me in Maryland.”

  “Really?” He still looked miserable, but not so much like he might cry. “I've never been to Maryland.”

  “You'll love it. We've got great beaches. I can teach you how to surf. And who knows, maybe I will come back after I have some time to think things over.”

  He gave me a little smile. “I hope so.”

  For the first time since I'd found out that Becca had told Kody the truth about me, I started to think that maybe I would come back. I'd made some great friends here: Erin, Roy, and Carlos. So what if things were over with Kody?

  Kody.

  My heart broke all over again as I thought about being here without him. How could I go about my daily life—attend classes, eat meals, drink coffee—knowing he was so close but I couldn't see him or touch him? That would be the purest form of torture. I'd made the right decision. I had to go home.

  “Can I help you pack or something?” Roy asked, startling me out of my reverie. I'd practically forgotten he was even there.

  “Sure. Thanks.”

  * * *

  Mom arrived five and a half hours later. She must have broken some kind of land speed record. I hadn't been expecting her for another hour or two considering she was traveling during the brunt of rush hour.

  She called as she was pulling into the lot, and knocked on the door a few minutes later. I barely had the door open before she'd enveloped me in a tight hug. I struggled not to break down again. I was starting to get one of those crying headaches. Mom pulled away and held me at arms' length, looking me over carefully. Her eyes seemed to search mine. Then she nodded and turned towards Roy who was watching with large eyes. She inspected Roy the same way she had me, then crossed the room and gave him a hug as well. The sight was almost enough to make me laugh. The look on Roy's face was priceless, but even better was the how small my petite mother looked in Roy's embrace.

  “Roy, this is my mom, Judy,” I said as Mom stepped away from a bewildered Roy. “Mom, this is Roy. He's a good friend.”

  “He must be your protector.” She beamed warmly at him.

  Roy got an aw-shucks look on his face and I swear he scuffed his toe on the floor. “Nice to meet ya,” he mumbled.

  Mom reached out and touched his hand. “You have a pure soul, Roy. Thank you for looking out for Jake.”

  “He's been a good friend.”

  Mom smiled again. “Good.” She turned to me. “Are you ready? We have a long drive back.”

  “You don't need to rest or anything?” I knew if I'd just driven almost six hours I wouldn't be all that eager to jump back in a car right away.

  “Nope, I'm running on a pot of coffee. There'll be lots of pee breaks. I'm ready if you are.”

  I shrugged. “I guess I'm ready then.”

  “I'll help carry your stuff down, Jake,” Roy offered.

  “Thanks, Roy.”

  Even with Roy's help—the boy was like a pack mule, we just kept piling it on him—it took us two trips to load everything into the car. Once the car was packed, I went back inside to say good-bye to Erin, Roy trailing behind me like a lost puppy. She'd gathered the whole group together to send me off. Carlos, Toshi, Miranda, and Alex were all there wearing identical mournful expressions.

  “Guys, I'm just going home. This isn't a funeral,” I joked. Carlos attempted a smile. No one else even bothered.

  “Will you be coming back?” Toshi asked. That seemed to be the question of the day. I wished I had an answer.

  I shrugged. “We'll see.”

  We all stood awkwardly for a few minutes. I was just hoping no one would start crying.

  “Group hug!” Erin suddenly yelled out, and everyone moved together as if that was all we'd been waiting for.

  “Jake? You ready?” My mother stuck her head in the door and broke the moment.

  We broke apart and I quickly introduced everyone. We had a quick round of individual hugs and then Mom and I walked out to the car, Roy still straggling along behind me. I had a sudden mental image of him chasing the car down the road.

  Mom climbed into the driver's seat, and I turned to tell Roy good-bye one last time. I let out an “oof” as he crushed me against his chest in a bone-jarring bear hug.

  “Bye, Jake,” he rumbled.

  I grunted. I would have said more but he was squeezing me so hard I was afraid my lungs might collapse. He released me and I gasped for air. Once I'd caught my breath, I patted him on the arm. “This isn't good-bye, just see you later.”

  “Promise?”

  “I promise.”

  “I hope you come back, Jake.�
��

  He was once again looking like he might cry so I decided to keep things short and sweet. “We'll stay in touch either way, Big Guy.”

  He nodded, and I quickly jumped into the passenger seat. Mom started the car and pulled away. I glanced back, but Roy refrained from chasing us. He just stood there morosely watching us drive away.

  “Poor guy,” Mom said, glancing in the rear-view mirror. “He seems more broken-hearted than you. Do you think he has a crush on you?”