Breaking Masks

by Josh Aterovis

  “Hey, Einstein, he's not there.” Nick called out from the car.

  “How do you know that?” I asked, frustration clear in my voice.

  “Because his house number is 1972. You're at 1973. Didn't you read the directions?” I glared at him malevolently while he sniggered. I should have driven myself.

  I marched across the street, after a moment of looking around in confusion for the right house number. It was a modest white rancher, with lots of flowers in the front yard and a small wooden trellis with ivy at end of the sidewalk. I strode to the front door, rang the doorbell, and waited, shifting from foot to foot. I glanced at Nick who was leaning casually on the hood of the car, a smug look on his face. What he had to be pleased about, I'll never know.

  The door opened, and I turned back to address either Jake or his mom, but instead I was shocked into silence. Standing in the doorway with an inquisitive expression was an attractive guy standing about my height with wavy blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. My worst fear had come true, for this could be none other than Killian at the door. I felt my heart shrink in my chest.

  The guy was beautiful. No wonder Jake ran back to him. Who wouldn't? His blue eyes contrasted with his skin, a light golden brown from a fading summer tan.

  “Can I help you?” he asked with an amused look.

  “No,” I swallowed hard. “I guess not.” I turned and headed back for the car.

  “Oh, no, you don't!” Nick yelled at me. I glared at him as I headed for the car.

  “Kody?”

  I stopped and looked back over my shoulder with surprise.

  “You are Kody, right?”

  I looked at him with curiosity. He smiled, a warm smile, an inviting smile.

  “You look just like Jake described you. He was pretty descriptive, not to mention accurate. I hope you aren't leaving already?”

  “I—I came for Jake.”

  “Good. Somebody needs to.”

  “But I thought—He came back to—You aren't?” I had trouble forming the words. No problem with nasty thoughts, but words, now that was different. Saying them out loud gave them meaning, truth—power even.

  “Aren't what?” he asked curiously.

  “You're Killian, aren't you?”

  “Yes, that's me. Jake mentioned me, huh?” That smile again.

  “He said you were his first love. I thought he...came back to you.”

  “Oh, no, you've got the wrong—"

  “Hi! I'm Nick, Kody's friend.” Nick was suddenly in front of me extending his hand to shake Killian's. For his part, Killian extended a bemused hand toward the hyper Nick.

  “Nick,” I said in a tone of warning.

  “Boy, what a drive! We're worn out, aren't we, Kody? Are those contacts, `cause they're a real cool shade of blue.”

  “Nick!” I barked at him. Nick jumped and turned to me with a guilty look. “I'll meet you in the car.”

  “But it's hot and—“

  “Nick, get—in—the—car.”

  “Fine, don't get your panties in a wad.” He turned back to Killian as he walked away. “Well, it was nice to have met you. Maybe I'll see you again sometime?”

  “Nick!”

  “Okay, I'm going. You know you're a lot grouchier without Jake.”

  I turned and faced Killian again. “Sorry about him.” I muttered.

  “It's okay. Why don't you come in?”

  I stepped into the small house. The living room was strategically arranged to provide the most space, though it was cluttered—not dirty, but cluttered. Magazines, coupons, and I think there was even a deck of Tarot cards sticking out from under a drift of newspapers. Killian waved me to a chair as he took a seat on the couch across from me.

  "Just to clear things up, there's nothing between Jake and me. There almost was once, but that was a long time ago. We're just friends now."

  “When he talks about you, it sounds like he's still in love.” My voice was barely above a whisper.

  "I'm sure he does love me—and I love him—but we're not in love. There's a big difference. I'm pretty sure someone else has the market cornered where his heart is concerned." He gave me a warm smile.

  “Is he—is Jake all right?”

  “I think he'll live, especially now that you're here.”

  “I need to see him.”

  “I know.” Killian cocked his head to one side as a door opened down the hall, and then another opened and closed. Killian fixed me in his blue eyes, and I felt comforted by his gaze. “He's just getting out of the shower. His bedroom is the last door on the left. Why don't you go see how he is for yourself. It's why you came here, right?”

  I stood slowly, on legs that were not as strong as they had been walking up to the front door. As I walked down the hall, the scene took on a surreal quality for me. Bits of steam wafted from the bathroom door, and the scent of a just finished shower clung in the air as I passed. When I reached the last door, there were no stars with the names Jacob and Foster written on them. It was just a plain wooden door, identical to the rest of the doors in the hallway.

  I reached for the well used handle, and then stopped. Should I knock? Would he be mad if I barged in? Fearing I'd die of indecision, I turned the knob and opened the door.

  “Who was it?” Jake asked. He was standing in his boxer briefs, a tee shirt over his head as he hadn't finished dressing. He had his back turned to me, and my heart broke all over again for the indignities he'd suffered, and to those he inflicted upon himself. He wasn't close enough to touch, but he was close enough to bring me to the brink of tears.

  “It was me,” I said softly. Jake's head popped through the top of the shirt suddenly as he spun around.

  “Kody?”

  “Yeah. Surprise.” I gave him a wan smile and tucked my hands in the pockets of my jeans. I wanted to speak. I had so much to say. But all my words, my recriminations, my heartfelt words of love failed me. The truth was I basked in his presence. I felt more at peace in this uneasy situation than I had since I found out about his past.

  “I'm—How did you—”

  “Erin. She, uh, helped. Nick too. He's in the car.”

  “You drove all the way down here? I guess you must have something you need to say.” His eyes broke away from mine and looked down on his bed. His long arms dangled at his sides, his left hand toying with the end of his shirt nervously.

  “I have a lot to say. I have a lot I need to say.” I chewed on my lower lip. “There's questions I have, things I need to hear.”

  “What things?” Jake said so softly I almost imagined he hadn't spoken. I closed the door behind me and leaned against it.

  “I'm hurt, Jake. You hurt me.”

  “Kody, I couldn't tell you. I just couldn't.” Jake's chest began to heave, small tremors that were the prelude to a coming storm.

  “Jake,” I stepped away from the door and towards him. I crossed the space between us and took his right hand in my own. My heart beat faster just at the touch of his hand, and I felt encouraged when he gripped mine. I stroked the back of his hand with my thumb. “I'm hurt you didn't give me a chance, you didn't even talk to me.”

  Tears fell from his eyes, shimmering pools that overflowed with emotions. "I was so afraid... I couldn't take it if you looked at me with disgust. I wouldn't blame you, but I couldn't take it either." He sniffed loudly as large tears rolled down his face. I ran a finger across his cheeks, wiping his tears away.

  “I told you I wouldn't hurt you. You have no idea how happy you've made me. When I found out you were gone, the only thing I wanted to do was beat your ass.”

  Jake barked a laugh between his tears, a rough sound.

  “Jake, I was horrified at what I found out. I admit that.” Jake's hand pulled away from mine as he wrapped himself up in his arms.

  “You don't want me anymore, do you? Why'd you drive all this way just to break up with me?”

  “Jake, let me finish,” I replied as calmly as I could. I pried one of hi
s hands back into my own and stared at his beautiful eyes until he stopped dropping his gaze.

  “I was horrified that someone could see you for so much less than you really are. I was horrified that they could only appreciate your beautiful body and not care about your equally beautiful soul. I was hurting, but I was also jealous.”

  “Jealous of what?”

  “That people touched you without caring, and I couldn't touch you in love.”

  “But—what about—"

  “Nothing else matters to me, Jake. You aren't who you were.” I took his other hand, and drew them both to my chest. “I'm here to get you back, Jake. I drove all this way to tell you I love you. I want to go on loving you, but I need you to be with me now. Here and now.”

  “You...you love me?”

  “I do.”

  Chapter 19

  Breaking Masks

  Josh Aterovis and Dave Dabeagle

  © 2004

  "Jake"

  He loves me.

  My head was spinning. I still hadn't quite caught up, everything had happened so quickly. I came out of the shower and Kody showed up in my bedroom to tell me he loved me. He'd driven all the way down here from Albany to tell me he loved me. He didn't hate me. He wasn't disgusted. He loved me.

  Kody Kingsley loves me.

  I snapped back to reality to find Kody watching me expectantly, hopefully. It was my turn. “I...I love you, too.”

  A huge grin spread across Kody's face. I couldn't believe this was really happening. I expected to wake up and discover it was all a dream. He drew me into a tight hug, and I never wanted him to let go. I wrapped my arms around him and held him just as tightly. I hadn't dared allow myself to believe this could happen. Now that it had, I was afraid to trust it. The other shoe had to drop eventually.

  Kody pulled back slightly to see me better, his eyes serious. “So,” he said softly. “I guess that means we're in love with each other.” He stopped and waited for a response. I nodded slowly, unsure of where he was taking this. “So that means that from now on we have to be completely honest with each other. No more secrets, no more running away instead of talking, no more making decisions without the other person being involved. Got it?”

  “Got it.”

  “Good.” He stepped back, then suddenly punched me in the arm. I stumbled back and grabbed my arm in shocked disbelief.

  “What was that for?”

  “That was for leaving without talking to me and making me drive six hours and forty-one minutes trapped in a car with Nick.” He moved closer to me and trailed a finger down my cheek. “And this is for being you, and making my life so much better just by being a part of it.” He leaned in and softly pressed his lips against mine.

  At first, I was too shocked by the punch to respond, but once his words registered, I quickly melted into his embrace, and soon we were kissing like we'd never stop. As we made out, he slowly pushed me back until I felt the bed behind my knees. He pushed me down, our lips never losing contact, and lowered himself onto me. His hands slid under my shirt, grazing gently across my skin and causing chills to ripple through my body. I hadn't felt like this in a long time. My mind flashed to the last person who had touched me like this and I almost panicked. I tried desperately to steer my mind away from those thoughts and focus solely on the man I loved, who was currently trailing his finger lightly around my nipple.

  Kody broke our kiss long enough to murmur, “I've wanted to do this for so long.”

  His hand brushed across my stomach and slid under the waistband of my boxers. I sat up so abruptly I almost knocked Kody off the bed. I pushed myself up the bed until my back hit the headboard, and drew my knees to my chest. Kody stared at me as if I'd lost my mind.

  “Did I do something wrong? Did I hurt you?” Concern and confusion filled his expression.

  I shook my head no.

  “Then what is it? Why won't you let me touch you? Is it because I don't know what I'm doing?”

  “It's not that. Kody, please believe me. I do want to be with you.”

  “Then be with me. Stop pulling away.” He slowly inched towards me, as if he was afraid to make any sudden moves.

  “It's just...I'm scared.”

  “Of what?”

  “I—” I stopped and took a deep breath. No more secrets. Total honesty. “I've never been with someone I loved. All my memories of sex are with people who didn't really care about me. They were just using me. Whenever we start...getting intimate, all those negative feelings start up and it scares me. I don't want to have those feelings with you. It makes what we're doing feel...soiled, somehow.” I looked away, unable to look Kody in the face as I admitted this.

  By now, Kody had reached my side, where he propped himself on his elbow. He reached over, gently turned my face back towards him, and looked deeply into my eyes. “Then don't you think it's time you started replacing those bad memories with some good ones?”

  “I want to, but—”

  “I'm not all those other guys, Jake. I'm Kody. I love you. If we're going to be a couple, then you can't live in your past. You have to let go, forgive yourself, and move on—hopefully with me.”

  I knew he was right. More than anything, I just wanted to take him my arms and pick up where we'd left off, but I was still scared.

  Seeing my indecision, he gave me a warm smile. “Hey, we're both virgins in a way. You've never done it with someone you care about, and I've never done it at all, so it's a first for both of us. We'll be going through it together.” I relaxed a little, stretching my legs out. He snuggled in next to me and laid his head on my chest. “We don't even have to do anything if you don't want. I'm just happy being close to you.”

  “I do want to,” I whispered. He looked up at me, and I kissed him softly on the lips. “Maybe if we just take things slowly, that might help.”

  He nodded. “Slow works.” We kissed again, deeper this time. He pulled away and a mischievous smile lit up his face making my heart skip a beat. “So how slow is slow? And where do we start?”

  I laughed. “We start here, just like we are now. I don't know where we go from there. I guess maybe we should just take it one thing at a time. You know, work our way up.”

  He giggled. “You know, I've never done anything before. You have a lot to teach me, and I intend to be a very attentive student.” He rolled on top of me and brushed my lips with his. “Let's start with my first lesson.”

  “What would your first lesson be?”

  He though a minute, then said, “Kissing.”

  “Oh, trust me, you've mastered that.” A whole swarm of butterflies fluttered in my stomach, but it was time to start replacing the old memories with new. “I think you're ready for the next level.”

  “You think?” I nodded, trying to hide how nervous I was. Kody gave me a trusting smile and rubbed his nose against mine. “Then if my teacher is ready, let the class begin.”

  I quickly realized that this whole business of making new memories could turn out to be a lot of fun.

  * * *

  After the lesson—which he passed with flying colors—we talked for a while. He told me everything that had happened with Becca, about his trip to the hospital with Max, and then coming back to discover I had left. Then I told him about my mom's phone call, running into Becca, and my panicked search for him. Eventually, we talked ourselves out and Kody suddenly remembered that he'd left Nick in the car. We rushed out of my bedroom to find Killian had taken the situation in hand, and he and Nick were in the living room having a lively discussion about their favorite gay movie. Killian was arguing for Beautiful Thing while Nick advocated The Broken Hearts Club.

  “It's the gay Steel Magnolias,” Nick was insisting as we walked into the room. He broke off and looked us over with a smug smile. “It's about damn time,” he said with a suggestive waggle of his eyebrows. I tried to stop the blush I felt creeping up my cheeks, but it was hopeless. I was at least comforted to see that Kody was red too. Killian ju
st gave me a wink.

  “Thanks for driving Kody down here,” I said to Nick.

  “Yeah, yeah. You both owe me big time. Now, since you guys have obviously worked everything out, when do we head back?”

  “Head back?” Kody asked. “Already?” He slipped his hand possessively into mine. “But we just got here.”

  “I have classes tomorrow, Kode.”

  “That's a lot of driving in one day,” Killian chipped in. I gave him a grateful look.