Zombie Bums from Uranus

by Andy Griffiths

‘Fiddlesticks!’ said Gran. ‘I’ve got more experience in my little finger than you have in your entire body.’

  ‘That’s precisely why I need you to remain in the bum-mobile,’ said Eleanor. ‘If anything happens to me then you can take over E-mission command.’

  Gran’s eyes lit up as she looked into the cockpit of the bum-mobile. ‘Yes,’ she said, nodding. ‘I think that’s probably for the best.’

  Eleanor climbed out of the pilot’s seat and began to prepare herself. She pulled on a large pair of bum-kicking boots and selected two medium-sized bumblasters. Then she pulled down two bumcatcher belts. She slipped one around her waist and threw the other to Zack.

  ‘I believe this is yours,’ she said.

  Zack caught the belt and smiled. ‘Thanks,’ he said, putting it on. He took the sauce bottle out of his jacket and hung it through a loop on the belt. Zack thought he’d better hang on to it. He still couldn’t see how it could possibly help him to save the world, but the Blind Bum-feeler had been right about him not being finished with bum-fighting. So she might yet be proved right about the tomato sauce.

  At last Eleanor was ready. She turned to them and issued final instructions. ‘If I don’t return in thirty minutes I want you to take off without me,’ she said. ‘Go to the nearest bum shelter and hook up with whoever’s left. But don’t try to fight the zombies on your own. Understand?’

  ‘Understood, soldier!’ said Gran, saluting Eleanor.

  Eleanor returned the salute and then looked at Zack. ‘Zack?’ she said.

  ‘Maybe I should come with you,’ he said.

  ‘No way!’ said Eleanor. ‘You stay here, keep out of trouble and look after your gran.’

  ‘I thought she was supposed to be looking after me,’ said Zack.

  ‘Don’t argue,’ said Eleanor. ‘If you hadn’t run away then I could have been here to help defend the Academy.’

  ‘I didn’t ask to be rescued,’ said Zack.

  ‘And I didn’t ask to rescue you,’ Eleanor replied, climbing out of the top of the bum-mobile. ‘Thirty minutes, right? And don’t forget to lock the hatch behind me.’

  Zack nodded. He watched Eleanor move quickly across the yard and up the hill towards Silas’s quarters. He turned back to his gran who had already installed herself in the cockpit.

  There were so many questions Zack wanted to ask her that he could hardly decide where to begin. As it turned out, he didn’t have to.

  ‘If only your grandfather could have seen all this,’ said Gran, waving her hand across the control panels. ‘He would have been amazed.’

  ‘Grandpa was a bum-fighter as well?’ said Zack. He had never known his grandfather. He’d died long before Zack was born.

  ‘Oh yes,’ said Gran, her eyes misting up. ‘Percy was a great bum-fighter. One of the first, you know. They called him the Wiper. He could wipe out a bum from up to a kilometre away.’

  ‘Really?’ said Zack. ‘What happened to him?’

  Gran dropped her voice. ‘There are some bums that you should never try to wipe, Zack,’ she whispered. ‘Percy found that out the hard way. He was killed by Stenchgantor.’

  Zack gasped. ‘The Great Unwiped Bum?’

  ‘Yes,’ said Gran. ‘You know of it? It lives in the Brown Forest.’

  ‘Used to live in the Brown Forest,’ Zack corrected her.

  Gran’s eyes widened. ‘You mean . . . it got wiped?’ she said.

  ‘Not exactly,’ said Zack. ‘I killed it with the smell of my dirty socks.’

  Gran stared at Zack. ‘You killed Stenchgantor?’ she said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Zack, ‘and the Great White Bum.’

  ‘So it’s true!’ said Gran, nodding her head.

  ‘What’s true?’ said Zack.

  ‘Once,’ said Gran, ‘on a deserted country road, many years ago, Percy and I met a blind bum-feeler who offered to tell my future by feeling my bum. I was wearing a fake bum, of course, but Percy—who always enjoyed a bit of a joke—made me hand it over. She hailed me as the forerunner of the greatest of all bum-fighters. I assumed she meant my son—your dad—but I never took it seriously. Your dad is a good bum-fighter, Zack, but not a great one. He’s too gung-ho. But never, even in my wildest dreams, did I suspect that the bum-feeler might have been referring to you.’

  Zack’s head was reeling. ‘Dad’s a bum-fighter?’ he said.

  ‘Yes,’ said Gran. ‘And your mother.’

  ‘But I thought they were musicians!’

  ‘No,’ said Gran. ‘At least not anymore. They were recruited at the conservatorium when they were students. They just use the orchestra tours as a cover for secret bum-fighting E-missions. They’re on one right now.’

  Zack felt his stomach drop. A terrible thought came to him. There were two bum-fighters on Uranus . . . on a secret E-mission.

  ‘Where are they now?’ he said, his mouth dry.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Gran. ‘Their E-mission was top secret.’

  ‘But why didn’t they tell me they were bum-fighters?’ said Zack.

  ‘I wanted to tell you, love,’ said Gran, touching Zack’s arm, ‘but your parents wouldn’t let me. Because of your poor showing in the Junior Bum-fighters’ League they figured the bum-fighting blood had stopped with them. I said that it would probably just come through later in life, but of course, there are no guarantees and they insisted. They thought that if you weren’t a bum-fighter then it would be kinder—and safer—for you to be spared the terrible burden of responsibility that comes with bum-fighting and be left simply to live a normal life. In the end I had to agree.’

  Zack shook his head, struggling to take it all in. If everything Gran was telling him was true then it would explain many things, such as how he’d been able to defeat two of the most dangerous bums in the world with no training whatsoever. But it didn’t explain why he’d failed so badly in the bum-fighting simulator.

  ‘Gran,’ said Zack, ‘how do I know that what you’re telling me now is the truth and not just another story?’

  Gran smiled. ‘Have you ever wondered about the similarity between my name and the name of the town?’

  ‘Sometimes,’ said Zack, ‘but I just thought it was a coincidence.’

  ‘It’s more than a coincidence,’ she said. ‘The town was named in my honour.’

  ‘Really?’ said Zack.

  ‘Yes,’ said Gran. ‘After Percy died, I decided that if the world was going to stand a chance against bums then we had to get organised. I formed the world’s first bum-fighting team with two of Percy’s best friends: the Forker and the Flicker. Together, we pretty much invented modern-day bum-fighting.’

  Zack nodded. What she was telling him matched exactly with what he’d read about Mabel’s Angels on the backs of his bum-fighter trading cards. It had to be true.

  There was a sudden commotion in the bum-mobile. Zack heard Mittens screech and smelt his bum yell. His first thought was that the zombie bums had broken into the bum-mobile, but then he realised that it was just Mittens and his bum fighting.

  They were having a stand-off at the rear of the bum-mobile. Zack’s bum had four deep scratch marks across its right cheek.

  ‘What’s going on?’ said Zack.

  ‘I didn’t do anything!’ said his bum, trying its best to look innocent.

  Mittens was poised ready to attack again.

  Zack’s bum bent over, ready to blast Mittens.

  ‘No!’ said Zack.

  But he was too late.

  Zack’s bum let fly and Mittens was blown hard against the hatch. So hard, in fact, that the force of her body blasted it open and she flew outside.

  ‘Zack!’ yelled his Gran. ‘You were supposed to lock the hatch!’

  ‘Sorry, Gran,’ he said, ‘I forgot . . .’

  ‘You’ve got to be smarter than that, Zack,’ said Gran, launching herself out the hatch.

  ‘What are you doing, Gran?’ called Zack. ‘We can’t leave the bum-mobile! Remember what Elea
nor said?’

  ‘No, I forgot,’ said Gran.

  ‘But it’s too dangerous!’ said Zack.

  ‘That’s exactly why I have to save Mittens!’ said Gran. ‘It’s no place for a cat! I can’t just leave her out there!’

  Zack glared at his bum as he quickly pulled on a pair of bum-fighting overalls, secured his bum-fighting belt around his waist and grabbed a toilet brush.

  ‘I hope you’re happy!’ he said to his bum as he climbed through the hatch.

  ‘Mittens started it!’ said his bum.

  ‘I don’t care who started it,’ said Zack as he left the bum-mobile. ‘But as usual I have to finish it!’

  ‘Don’t leave me here all by myself!’ said his bum.

  But Zack was gone.

  His bum jumped up and chased after him.

  Zack could hear Gran calling Mittens.

  She was over near the classroom—or what was left of it. The windows were all smashed and there were holes in the roof, but at least it was still standing.

  Zack headed over, his feet crunching on broken glass and splintered wood.

  There had obviously been a battle of titanic proportions. It was inconceivable that Silas and the B-team could have lost, but then, where were they?

  Zack heard another sound. It was coming from somewhere behind him. He glanced around to see his bum following him from a safe distance. ‘Come on,’ said Zack, feeling a little sorry for it. ‘Hop on.’

  His bum ran up and reattached itself.

  Zack reached Gran. ‘Any sign of Mittens?’ he asked.

  ‘No,’ said Gran. ‘Your bum scared her pretty well.’

  Zack shrugged.

  He heard a muffled cry.

  ‘What is it?’ said Gran.

  ‘Listen!’ said Zack.

  They heard a low plaintive sound.

  ‘It’s coming from inside the classroom,’ said Zack.

  They cautiously climbed the steps.

  At the top Zack pushed the door open with the tip of his boot.

  The room was a complete shambles.

  As Zack’s eyes adjusted to the darkness, he was shocked to see a huge piece of the roof, surrounded by plaster and rubble lying in the middle of the room. Above it was a large hole through which the stars of the night sky were clearly visible.

  Bookshelves had been overturned and copies of The Bumper Book of Bums were strewn everywhere. The model of the bum was now just a mass of plastic shards and splinters. Bum-fighting charts lay ripped and trampled on the floor.

  Only the virtual bum-fighting simulator remained intact.

  As for Mittens, she was nowhere to be seen.

  Then they heard the sound again.

  More clearly this time.

  But it wasn’t a cat.

  It was a person groaning.

  And it was coming from under an overturned bookshelf that was covered in roof rubble. Sticking out from the end of the bookshelf were two huge bum-kicking boots.

  Zack smiled. He never thought he’d be so happy to see the Kicker.

  ‘Who is it?’ said Gran.

  ‘It’s the Kicker!’ Zack said.

  ‘Never heard of him!’ said Gran.

  ‘He’s a bum-fighter,’ said Zack, kneeling down and starting to clear the rubble off the top of the bookshelf. ‘Don’t worry, Kicker, we’ll have you out in no time.’

  Gran knelt down with Zack and began to help him. Pretty soon they had the bookshelf clear.

  ‘Okay,’ said Zack, grabbing one end of the shelf while Gran took the other. ‘One . . . two . . . three . . . lift!’

  They lifted the bookshelf up.

  The Kicker was lying on his back, covered in dust.

  He groaned.

  Zack and Gran leaned the bookshelf against the wall and, grabbing a hand each, helped the Kicker to stand up. He was in a bad way, swaying back and forth, as if any moment he was going to fall back down.

  ‘Stand up straight, soldier!’ said Gran.

  The Kicker looked at her, dazed, as if she was speaking a completely different language.

  Zack took the Kicker’s arm and helped him to stand. This didn’t seem like the Kicker that he’d come to know and fear. All the fire seemed to have been knocked out of him.

  ‘What happened?’ said Zack.

  The Kicker shook his head and shrugged as he swayed.

  Gran stepped forward. ‘Snap out of it, soldier!’ she said, pinching his cheeks roughly.

  Zack winced. You don’t do that to the Kicker, he thought.

  But Gran continued undaunted. ‘You give up, they win,’ she said. ‘You don’t give up, there’s still a chance.’

  The Kicker’s only response was to open his mouth. A long trail of saliva fell to the floor.

  Zack was shocked. Then he had a terrible thought. He looked at the Kicker’s bum. It was enormous. No wonder he was having trouble standing. He’d been zombie-bummified!

  Before Zack could warn Gran, however, the Kicker grabbed her hand, drew it to his mouth and sank his teeth into the flesh in between her thumb and forefinger.

  Gran screamed.

  But not for long. Zack watched as she quickly formed her finger and thumb into her trademark pincer shape and, as the Kicker opened his mouth for a second bite, she reached in and pinched his tongue so hard that blood spurted out of his mouth.

  The Kicker staggered backwards with surprise, lost his balance, and crashed to the floor.

  As if it was happening in slow motion, Zack saw what he had to do. He jumped on top of the Kicker.

  But he was too slow.

  The Kicker launched a double-legged donkey kick which caught Zack in the stomach. Zack flew across the room and crashed into the blackboard.

  Zack watched helplessly as the Kicker spat out a mouthful of blood, struggled to his feet and advanced on Gran, backing her into a corner of the room.

  ‘You wouldn’t kick an old lady, would you?’ said Gran.

  The Kicker spat out another mouthful of blood and continued his advance on Gran who stood firm, her arms fully extended and pincer-hands snipping the air.

  As fierce as she was, however, Zack didn’t like her chances. But there was little he could do to help.

  Suddenly the door of the classroom banged open. Zack looked up to see two large silhouettes filling the doorway. He breathed a huge sigh of relief. It was Silas Sterne and the Smacker.

  Silas immediately launched himself into the room and grabbed the Kicker around the waist in a rugby tackle. They hit the ground hard. Silas quickly over-powered the Kicker and sat on top of him.

  ‘Well, well, well,’ said Gran. ‘If it isn’t Silas Sterne!’

  Silas looked at her without speaking.

  Gran frowned. ‘Well? Is that any way to greet your old teacher?’ she said.

  Silas dribbled as he clumsily got to his feet.

  Zack’s stomach sank.

  Silas Sterne’s bum was huge.

  He hadn’t tackled the Kicker in order to stop him from eating Gran. Silas had tackled the Kicker because he wanted to eat Gran.

  Zack turned to look at the Smacker. Her bum was huge as well.

  ‘Watch out, Gran!’ yelled Zack. ‘They’re ALL zombies!’

  At the sound of his voice, Silas and the Smacker turned towards Zack. The Smacker lurched towards him. Silas began staggering towards him as well. The Kicker resumed his advance on Gran.

  Then, behind them, Zack noticed another silhouette appear in the doorway.

  It was Eleanor.

  Zack tried to signal to her not to come in, but it was too late.

  ‘There you all are!’ she exclaimed. ‘I’ve been looking everywhere for you! I was starting to get worried.’

  Silas turned and began stumbling towards his daughter.

  ‘Run Eleanor!’ yelled Zack. ‘He’s not your dad! Not anymore!’

  ‘What are you talking about?’ said Eleanor.

  ‘He’s a zombie!’ yelled Zack. ‘Check his bum!’

&nbs
p; Eleanor’s eyes suddenly grew wide with terror. She started to back away but it was too late. The zombie-Silas grabbed her arm.

  Eleanor tried to break free, but the zombie-Silas was too powerful. He pulled her arm to his mouth, saliva dripping from his lips. But before his teeth could break Eleanor’s skin, a dark shape flew across the room and wrapped itself around Silas Sterne’s face.

  Zack smiled.

  It was Mittens!

  Silas dropped Eleanor’s arm and concentrated on trying to remove the cat from his face.

  Eleanor swung her bumgun through the air and brought the butt of it down hard on her father’s head. Silas staggered backwards towards the centre of the room.

  Zack looked across the room to see Gran pinching both of the Kicker’s cheeks at the same time. The Kicker leapt backwards—without realising that he was on a collision course with Silas.

  Zack acted fast.

  The Smacker was standing in front of him.

  He pulled the sauce bottle out of his belt and squirted it in her face. She was so surprised that she staggered back towards the centre of the room as well.

  The zombie-bummified bum-fighters all collided in the middle, knocking themselves out at the same time.

  ‘STRIKE!’ yelled Zack’s bum.

  Zack tossed the sauce bottle high into the air and watched it spin. He caught it, licked the sauce from the top and tucked it back into his belt.

  ‘Good work, soldier,’ said Gran.

  ‘I thought I told you all to stay in the bum-mobile,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Mittens got out,’ Zack said.

  Eleanor shook her head in disbelief. ‘So you risked your life for a cat?’ she said. ‘How could you be so dumb?’

  ‘She’s a good cat,’ said Zack. ‘She saved your life!’

  ‘My life might not have needed saving if you hadn’t disobeyed my orders, you idiot!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Language!’ said Gran.

  ‘Language yourself!’ replied Eleanor.

  ‘Remember your manners, soldier!’ said Gran. ‘You’re completely out of line!’

  Eleanor was about to reply when she heard Silas groan.

  ‘Oh no,’ said Zack. ‘They’re coming to. What are we going to do?’

  Eleanor looked wildly around the room. ‘The simulator,’ she said. ‘We can lock them in until we figure out how to dezombie-bummify them. I’ll take Silas. Zack, you grab the Kicker. Can you handle the Smacker, Pincher?’