Zombie Bums from Uranus

by Andy Griffiths

‘What are you doing, Zack?’ said his bum. ‘They’re dead.’

  ‘They’re still warm,’ said Zack, crossing his hands over his mother’s chest and pushing down hard. ‘Maybe I can resuscitate them.’

  Zack’s bum nodded. ‘Do you want me to give them bum-to-mouth resuscitation?’

  ‘No,’ said Zack, pushing down with all his might. ‘I think that will make things worse. Let’s just try to start their hearts. I’ll work on Mum, you start on Dad.’

  Zack’s bum climbed onto James Freeman’s chest and started bouncing up and down as if it was on a trampoline.

  They continued for a full five minutes.

  But there was no response from either James or Judi.

  ‘It’s okay,’ said Zack to his bum. ‘You can stop. It’s no use.’

  ‘Oops,’ said his bum, which was a little too full of methane for its own good. ‘Beg your pardon.’

  Zack coughed.

  Eleanor coughed.

  And then, most amazing of all, James and Judi Freeman coughed.

  ‘Mum? Dad?’ said Zack. ‘You’re alive!’

  ‘Zack?’ said his mother, sitting up.

  ‘Zack?’ said his father, blinking and confused.

  Zack threw his arms around them both, all of them crying with relief and happiness. ‘I can’t believe you’re okay!’ said Zack.

  ‘Neither can I, to tell you the truth,’ said James. ‘The Great White Bum blasted us but your mother managed to set off a perfume bomb at the same time. The bomb neutralised most of his stench, but the force of the blast must have knocked us out.’

  They hugged again. Zack’s bum joined in the hug as well.

  ‘Strange,’ it said, ‘but I feel like you’re my parents too!’

  Zack’s father immediately broke out of the hug and reached for his nail-gun. ‘You’re dead meat, bum!’

  ‘No!’ said Zack. ‘It’s my bum! It’s on our side!’

  ‘But I don’t understand,’ said his father. ‘How can a bum be on our side? And what are you doing here anyway?’

  ‘I don’t know where to begin,’ said Zack. ‘There’s kind of a lot to explain.’

  Eleanor cleared her throat. ‘You can say that again!’ she said. ‘What happened? Where are we? I remember flying through space, and then it gets a bit blurry, but there was something about a teapot . . .’

  ‘Well, aren’t you going to introduce us to your friend?’ said Zack’s mother.

  ‘You mean his girlfriend,’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘I am NOT his girlfriend,’ said Eleanor, landing a solid kick in the middle of Zack’s bum.

  ‘Ouch!’ said Zack’s bum.

  ‘Ouch!’ said Zack.

  ‘It asked for it,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Mum and Dad,’ said Zack, ‘I’d like you to meet Eleanor Sterne. Eleanor, these are my parents.’

  ‘Eleanor Sterne?’ said James Freeman, shaking her hand. ‘Silas Sterne’s daughter? It’s a great honour! He never stops talking about you. How is he?’

  Eleanor bit her lip. ‘I don’t know,’ she said. ‘When we left him he was zombie-bummified. We had to lock him in a bum-fighting simulator. We haven’t seen him since the start of the zombie bumvasion.’

  ‘Zombie bumvasion!’ said James, slowly recovering his memory. ‘How bad is it?’

  ‘Relax,’ said Zack. ‘The situation is under control. It was touch and go for a while, but we got rid of them.’

  ‘And the Great White Bum?’ said Judi. ‘It said it was going back to kill you!’

  ‘He won’t be giving anybody any more trouble,’ said Zack. ‘Thanks to Gran.’

  ‘Gran!?’ said James. ‘What did she have to do with it?’

  ‘Everything,’ said Zack, his voice wavering, and unable to hold back his tears any longer. ‘Everything.’

  By the time Zack had finished telling his parents the whole story, not one of the bum-fighters—or even Zack’s bum—had a dry eye.

  Zack’s mother held him by the shoulders. ‘I’m proud of you, Zack, and so would your gran be. You’ve achieved so much,’ she said, ‘but how? You failed the Junior Bum-fighters’ League entrance exam three times.’

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Zack. ‘I guess I’m just not good at exams.’

  Zack’s dad put his hand on Zack’s shoulder. ‘Let’s go home, son.’

  ‘Great idea, Dad,’ said Zack.

  Zack’s dad winced. ‘One problem . . .’ he said. ‘Our bum-mobile’s stuck. The methane tanks are full, but it’s buried a little too deep.’

  Zack’s bum jumped up. ‘No problems!’ it said. ‘You just need a little extra thrust. And I’m just the bum to provide it! Tie me down, Zack.’

  Zack climbed up and lashed his bum to the back of the bum-mobile with reinforced toilet paper.

  ‘Ready when you are!’ it said.

  ‘That’s one hell of a bum you’ve got there, boy,’ said James.

  ‘Yeah,’ said Zack, patting his bum. ‘It’s a good one, all right. If it was self-wiping it’d be perfect!’

  ‘I don’t need to be self-wiping,’ said Zack’s bum. ‘That’s what I’ve got you for!’

  Powered by both the pure Uranusian methane and Zack’s bum, James and Judi Freeman’s bum-mobile broke all known space-travel speed records on its way back to Earth.

  As they flew they saw the brown hole in the distance.

  ‘There it is,’ announced James. ‘Just look at that monster!’

  Zack shuddered as he stared at it.

  Even from this great distance Zack was aware of its dizzying power. He felt himself being drawn into it. His brain seemed to be swirling in his skull—churning and spinning like the brown hole itself. And, as his brain and the brown hole seemed to merge, Zack became aware of a sort of wordless understanding between them. An understanding that there was unfinished business between them. ‘You’ll be back,’ it seemed to be whispering to him. ‘You’ll be back . . .’

  As Zack stared out of the bum-mobile porthole he felt his mother’s hand on his shoulder.

  The whirling in Zack’s brain subsided and he and his mother gazed out the window together, as the brown hole receded into the distance.

  ‘Zack,’ said Judi, ‘I want you to know that I hope you will continue your bum-fighting career, if that’s what you want to do.’

  Zack nodded. ‘Thanks, Mum,’ he said.

  ‘But you must promise me one thing,’ she said.

  ‘Sure, Mum,’ said Zack, still trying to make sense of what had just happened. ‘What is it?’

  ‘You must promise me that you will never go near a brown hole again!’ she said.

  ‘I didn’t exactly go into that one on purpose,’ said Zack.

  Judi Freeman put a finger across her son’s lips. ‘Listen to me, Zack,’ she said. ‘Brown holes are terrible and dangerous things and should be avoided at all costs. You might have got lucky this time, but normally not even the most experienced, most skilled bum-fighters stand a snowball’s chance in hell of surviving a first—let alone second—encounter with one of those monsters.’

  Zack tried hard not to smile. Silas Sterne must have given the same lecture on interplanetary bum-fighting every year since the beginning of the univarse. He didn’t doubt that Silas Sterne was telling the truth—at least the truth as he knew it—but he wondered if it was the whole truth. Zack couldn’t help wondering why—out of all the places they could possibly have landed—the brown hole had deposited them on Uranus at almost exactly the same spot where his parents were. He couldn’t explain it, but it seemed more than just coincidence. Zack suspected that the univarse was perhaps more mysterious than Silas Sterne—or indeed anyone—had dared to imagine.

  Despite these thoughts, however, Zack nodded solemnly as his mother continued. ‘Because make no mistake, Zack,’ she said. ‘That is what they are! Monsters! They’ll suck you in and chew you up!’

  ‘Yes, Mum,’ said Zack.

  ‘Don’t “Yes, Mum” me!’ said Judi. ‘Just promise m
e on your honour that you will NEVER go near one EVER again for ANY reason.’

  Zack nodded, feeling the weight of the moment. ‘Okay, Mum,’ he said. ‘I promise.’

  ‘Good,’ Judi said, relaxing a little. ‘Good boy.’

  The bum-mobile touched down smoothly on the Bum-fighting Academy landing strip exactly one week later at 0900 hours Earth time. James taxied to the terminal and shut down the engine.

  Despite having sustained massive zombie bumvasion damage, most of the buildings on the bum-mobile port were still standing. Normally at this time of the morning it would have been busy with trainee bum-fighter bum-mobile pilots practising take-offs, landings and mid-air manoeuvres, but today it was deserted.

  Zack opened the hatch, climbed out and untied his bum from the back of the bum-mobile.

  It was shivering and exhausted, but otherwise okay.

  ‘Thanks,’ said Zack, holding his bum up to his face. ‘You did a great job. I know we haven’t always seen eye to eye, but you really came through for me. I’m proud to have a bum like you.’

  ‘And I’m proud to be your bum,’ it said. ‘Now shut up and reattach me: I’m freezing!’

  Zack smiled and pushed his bum down the back of his trousers. ‘I’ll have you warmed up in no time,’ he said.

  Zack looked up and saw Eleanor watching him. As soon as he caught her eye she glanced away.

  ‘Can you hear music?’ said James.

  ‘Yes,’ said Judi. ‘It’s coming from the chapel.’

  ‘Let’s go check it out,’ said James. ‘But be careful. And be quiet. We have to make sure there are no zombie bums left. It could be a trap.’

  Eleanor, Zack and Judi nodded.

  They armed themselves with bum-guns and crept up the hill.

  What they saw at the top amazed them.

  The Bum Hunter, the Kicker, the Smacker and all of the Academy’s trainee bum-fighters were there. The front of the chapel seemed to be buried in flowers.

  ‘What’s happening?’ whispered Zack.

  ‘Looks like a funeral,’ said Eleanor, smiling.

  ‘Who for?’ said Zack.

  ‘Us,’ said Eleanor.

  ‘Us?’ said Zack. ‘But we’re not dead.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Eleanor. ‘I know that. And you know that. But they don’t know that.’

  ‘Shouldn’t we tell them we’re here?’ said Zack.

  ‘And spoil the surprise?’ said James. ‘Not on your life! Besides, it’s not often you get to attend your own funeral!’

  As they crept up closer to the front of the chapel, the music stopped. The Kicker stood up and addressed the congregation.

  ‘I’m a man of few words, but Silas has asked me to say a bit about Zack Freeman—one of our dear departed comrades for whom we have gathered here today to remember—and I’m very proud to do so.’

  The Kicker paused.

  The cadets were silent.

  ‘I’m going to be honest,’ said the Kicker. ‘When I first met Zack Freeman I didn’t see a bum-fighter. All I saw was a frightened and confused little boy. And a clumsy one at that. But, by the toes of my favourite kicking boots, did that frightened, confused and clumsy boy learn fast!

  ‘Not only did he defeat Stenchgantor single-handedly with nothing more than a pair of smelly socks, but he fired a harpoon into the Great White Bum and then, as if these services to humanity weren’t enough for one boy—for one lifetime—he risked his life to save the world by lighting a match inside a fully loaded bumcano!

  ‘In the process he came to earn himself a nomination for the Bum Hunters’ Hall of Fame—the youngest person ever to be nominated for such an honour—and he achieved this without even having earned his elementary bum-fighter’s certificate.’

  At this the cadets burst into applause. In fact it was all Zack could do to stop himself from applauding as well. It was difficult to believe that the Kicker was talking about him and not somebody else.

  ‘After that,’ said the Kicker, ‘Zack came here, to the Academy, to study for that bum-fighter’s certificate, and it is here that I must make a confession. We bum-fighters are trained to not make mistakes, but I made a terrible one. One that I will never forgive myself for as long as I live.’

  The Kicker’s voice was wavering. The Smacker put her hand on his shoulder. The Kicker took a deep breath and continued.

  ‘Zack quit the course after only a few weeks, believing himself to be a failure because he was unable to complete routine simulated bum-fighting missions. But the fault was not his, it was mine. After returning from the bumcano I broke the first rule of bum-fighting: I forgot to wash my hands. As a consequence I believe I picked up some sort of infection. I haven’t been feeling one hundred per cent for some weeks and I can now see that during that time I made a terrible error.

  ‘Believing I had set the simulator on the basic level of difficulty—which was appropriate for Zack at that stage of his training—I didn’t realise until he’d left that I’d mistakenly set it for the most extreme level of difficulty possible. Far from failing the simulated missions, ladies and gentlemen, it was a wonder that he managed to survive any of them for as long as he did. He didn’t deserve my condemnation—in fact not only did Zack easily complete the requirements for his bum-fighter’s certificate, but he also deserves a special medal of excellence for simulated bum-fighting achievement.’

  ‘Well done, son,’ whispered James, patting Zack on the back.

  ‘We’re proud of you,’ whispered Judi.

  ‘I told you you were a bum-fighter!’ said Eleanor.

  ‘I helped too,’ said Zack’s bum, but nobody was paying it any attention. They were all looking at Zack.

  Zack, however, couldn’t speak. He was in a state of shock. To have been sucked into a brown hole and survived was one thing. But to go from the bottom of the class to the top was something else altogether.

  ‘Who knows what the potential of this boy might have been?’ said the Kicker. ‘Had he continued his training here he might have acquired the extra skills he needed to survive his clearly fatal encounter with the zombie bums from Uranus.’

  The Kicker’s voice was cracking badly now, but he was determined to get to the end. ‘I can only ask his forgiveness,’ said the Kicker, ‘and present him posthumously with this certificate and this medal . . .’

  ‘Go get it!’ said Eleanor, digging Zack in the ribs. ‘You’ve earnt it!’

  Zack grinned. He got to his feet and walked to the front of the chapel. ‘I believe those are mine,’ he said to the Kicker.

  There was a collective gasp from the congregation.

  ‘Zack?’ said the Kicker. ‘You’re alive!’ He threw his arms around Zack. ‘Can you ever forgive me, boy?’

  ‘Are you kidding?’ said Zack. ‘You saved my life. Without experience of bum-fighting at that level I wouldn’t have stood a chance!’

  ‘Spoken like a true bum-fighter!’ said the Kicker, handing him the certificate and pinning the medal to his vest.

  Zack shook the Kicker’s hand and turned to face the congregation. ‘I’d like to dedicate these awards to three of the best and bravest bum-fighters I’ve ever known: the Forker, the Flicker and the Pincher.’ He looked up into the sky, tears rolling down his cheeks. ‘These are for you, Gran—wherever you are.’

  The congregation bowed their heads in respectful silence.

  Meanwhile, James and Judi, followed by Eleanor, moved to the front of the Chapel to comfort Zack. They were quickly joined by the Smacker, Silas Sterne—and even Mittens—for one enormous group hug.

  ‘Dad!’ said Eleanor, kissing Silas’s face. ‘I’m so sorry we had to lock you all in the simulator!’

  ‘Are you kidding?’ bellowed Silas, wrapping Eleanor in a bear hug. ‘We had a GREAT time! Three days of non-stop virtual bum-fighting! Of course, nothing beats the real thing, eh, boy?’ said Silas, nudging Zack.

  ‘You’re right about that, sir!’ said Zack, beaming with pride.

  ‘Bu
t what about the zombie bums that attached themselves to you?’ said Eleanor. ‘How did they get out of the simulator?’

  ‘They didn’t,’ said the Smacker.

  ‘But,’ said Eleanor, flashing an alarmed glance at Zack, ‘then that means . . .’

  ‘Don’t worry,’ said Silas. ‘They’re not going to hurt anybody where they are.’

  ‘But where are they?’ said Eleanor.

  The Smacker laughed. ‘They melted in the heat of the simulated bumcano,’ she said. ‘Gave off a terrible stink. I copped a lungful or two, but you know I’ve never felt better in my whole life!’

  ‘I know exactly what you mean!’ said Eleanor, nodding.

  ‘Just do me a favour,’ said Silas. ‘Next time you lock us in a simulator for days on end, don’t forget to leave us some FOOD! We almost tore each other apart until we found a stockpile of virtual anti-bum energy bars.’

  Before Zack could ask Silas how they could possibly melt zombie bums with simulated heat and survive on simulated food, his father came up and slapped Silas on the back. ‘And how about you do me a favour,’ said James. ‘Next time you decide to leave us all alone on Uranus,’ said James, ‘well, just DON’T!’

  ‘Sorry about that,’ said Silas, ‘but when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go!’

  James, Judi and Silas laughed.

  Zack looked at the certificate in his hands.

  ‘You’ve got to be happy with that, Zack,’ said Eleanor. ‘Congratulations.’

  ‘Thanks,’ said Zack, ‘but I’d be happier if I knew what happened to my gran.’

  Eleanor nodded. ‘It’s really hard, Zack, I know, but try not to worry too much. Your gran is one tough old bum-fighter. Whatever happened and wherever she is, I reckon she’ll be able to look after herself. I pity any bums that get in her way, though.’

  ‘Do you think there are bums in other parts of the univarse?’ said Zack.

  ‘I don’t know,’ said Eleanor. ‘But if there are, I’m sure Mabel and her Angels will whip them into shape.’

  ‘Yeah,’ said Zack, wiping a tear from his eye. ‘I think you’re probably right.’

  At that moment Zack’s bum—who tended to get bored at formal occasions—did a long loud fart.