The Legacy of Gaea Volume I: The Underworld
Page 26
“Hello, son,” he smiled.
“Moros!” Hemero cried. He was unsure for a moment if it was him since it felt like years had passed since their paths had first crossed.
“I knew this man from long ago,” Moros began, looking up at the statue, “we fought together in many wars but… our own children were taken and slaughtered as revenge for our… services to Gaea.” Moros’ eyes began to water, though his voice did not falter. “I had coped with the death of a child before but Lirilius… Lirilius just could not accept the death of his three daughters. He sunk into depression and did nothing but train and kill for Gaea, hoping to find the wrongdoers who killed his children. I tried to help, but we soon fell out. It was hard for him. It was hard for us all. Do not tell me how he died, Hemero, for from what little I have heard, it was in unpleasant circumstances.”
Hemero remained silent as Moros continued. “I must take leave Hemero, but please come see me when you can. I’m sure we have much to discuss!” With that, Moros walked away from the statue, looking from behind like a sad, dirty farmer dissatisfied with life, and now with one less friend.
Hemero turned back around and looked upon the school. Inside he could see teachers and students staring out at him through every window in complete silence. There must have been hundreds of eyes, eyes belonging to people shoving each other to get a closer look, eyes belonging to thoughts, eyes belonging to dreams, to lovers, to evil, to hope. All eyes absorbing him, making him feel like he must truly exist, undeniably exist, but even for that moment.
Hemero felt uncomfortable. He suddenly realised he didn’t like being watched and started to hide his face with this hand. Nayakax stepped closer to Hemero and from behind him whispered, “they see it on you. They have heard the stories. You have been touched by pure evil and they are scared of it.”
“I thought they might like me more because I tried to save everyone…”
“It doesn’t look like it,” Nayakax replied, “you now have a tainted past. Like me.” Hemero turned round as Nayakax continued, “and like Lirilius.”
Hemero looked back up at the statue and looked at it with disgust. “He is in an eternity of Hell for them,” he thought, “and what did they do for him?” Shui’s last words started ringing round his head; “if your place is not with them, where else might it be?”
“Hemy?” Rose suddenly spoke, “let’s get out of here, huh? My Mum says you can stay with us for a while until you get better! Isn’t that great?”
“Yeah,” Hemero sighed coldly, and with a heavy heart, he walked off with Rose back to her house. Away from the statue and away from the hundreds of eyes silently staring at him from the Valhalla.
Away from everyone.
This book would not have been possible without the help of:
Dan Gallagher for going through the entire manuscript and going out of his way to edit it. For helping me contact publishers, drawing up documents and pushing me to get it finished. It truly would not have been finished if it wasn’t for you.
To my wife Tessa for always being there and listening to me moan.
To my mother Gina who will no doubt be flogging this to all her friends.
* * *
[DG1]I switched these simply for rhythm.
[DG2]Either:
Theus stared at Nayakax with a darkness within his eyes that shook the young boy to his core -
or
Theus stared at Nayakax; a darkness within his eyes that shook the young boy to his core –
or
Theus stared at Nayakax, a darkness within his eyes shook the young boy to his core -
[DG3]Repetition of this word. Try to change one instance.
[DG4]Change this (a person shouts but a voice does not shout i.e. either “The rider shouted” or “The rider’s deep voice resonated” etc.)
[DG5]You should maybe consider referring to him simply as ‘the rider’ up until this point, which feels like a big ‘reveal’.
[DG6]Which spelling is it?
[DG7]Spelling discrepancy
[DG8]Is Gaea thought to be male or female by the characters? I had the impression female up until now.
[DG9]So, does he have two normal eyes as well or just the eye on his chin? This guy is so fantastical I think he deserves further description.
[DG10]Won’t lie, this gave me a boner
[DG11]I’m having trouble picturing this. I think you could elaborate on this and even maybe ratchet up the horror factor?
[DG12]Again with the boner.
[DG13]Load blown.
[DG14]I think this whole passage is really good. I think the timing of introducing/explaining their motives and what they hope to achieve is spot on.
[DG15]Dark stuff. Love it.
[DG16]‘lying around’ sounds like lazy people as opposed to corpses!
[DG17]Always tricky, but I think this should probably be ‘who’. Not certain tho
[DG18]Which valhallas?
[DG19] Keep this as the same paragraph.
[DG20]within the grounds of the Norheath Valhalla
[DG21]I think you should make more of this. I think you should have already told us there was a boy under the wreckage as this comes out of the blue, and is a bit confusing. I think you should expand on what he’s thinking and feeling as he watches the boy burn, unable to help. It would give weight to the closing paragraph of this chapter.
[DG22]remove para break
[DG23]remove para break
[DG24]remove para break
[DG25]Are you talking about the boy mentioned earlier or Maya? Confusion! Maybe just use ‘boy’ or ‘young hero’?
[DG26]You can’t supress someone to the floor. Either he supresses him or tackles him to the floor, but not both.
[DG27]You definitely need to go back and make a bigger event out of this boy dying.
[DG28]Which group, who? Tell us.
[DG29]Added italics for emphasis
[DG30]exuding a silver shine OVER the black shroud covering the land.
or
LENDING a silver shine to the black shroud covering the land.
[DG31]It took me a while to figure out what this jibe related to. Maybe you could put something more explicit or explain a little below e.g Hemero roared with anger at the memory of the boy he’d failed to save and rushed at…
[DG32]Been quelled?
[DG33]I’m especially enjoying this episode of the outwardly friendly yet slightly sinister freaks living in a perfect chocolate-box house. There’s something a bit Texas Chainsaw/House of 1000 Corpses about it.
[DG34]can gas be small? Elaborate.
[DG35]Cool!
[DG36]‘feasting on’ or ‘devouring’
[DG37]Very short chapter, maybe roll it into the next next chapter?
[DG38]Who told who?
[DG39]Another short chapter that could logically be included in the previous or following chapter.
[DG40]Repetition – recast.
[DG41]lol
[DG42]Combine this chapter with the previous chapter.
[DG43]Struck?
[DG44]Ok I’ve taken a massive liberty with this section, but I felt it lacked drama. Scratch this if you don’t like it.
[DG45]Why have the thousands of dark clans suddenly fled?
[DG46]I think you should describe this at greater length. Feels like it hould be a big, dramatic pivotal moment.
[DG47]I think something like this is needed as Iwan’t sure for a while if he’d actually been transported somewhere.
[DG48]Recast this sentence, it doesn’t scan well.
[DG49]So much happened in that last chapter that I honestly couldn’t remember how we’d left Milius. I didn’t know what animal you were alluding to so had to go back. You might want to be more explicit in reminding us it is the mantis.
[DG50]Of what?
[DG51]See below
[DG52]The clouds? The men on the battlefields?
[DG53]lol
[DG54]I hadn’t twigged how powerful/i
mportant these Titans could be. So, they are like a huge sleeping army that the Dark Clans assumed wouldn’t get mobilised or involved. Could that be more explicitly stated at some point (maybe during one of the earlier scenes with the meeting that Shui holds).
This would add greater power to the scene where the youngsters manage to convince the Titans to get involved.
[DG55]Important, since I thought Colum had been stabbed.
[DG56]It was a dagger a minute ago
[DG57]Either ‘a new age’ or ‘the New Age’.