Lethal Cruise: A Humorous Cruise Ship Cozy Mystery (Cruise Ship Cozy Mysteries Book 9)

by A. R. Winters

  “Yeah?” I asked her with a smile on my lips.

  “Yeah! If you’d ever come to the gym with me like I told you to, you would have been fast enough to get to her first. Then, blammo, you would’ve been stuck with the needle.” She rubbed at her sore arm.

  I giggled and stroked her hand again. “No, you’re still younger than me.”

  She nodded seriously.

  “Oh, yeah. I forgot how old you are.”

  “Hey!” Sam said as she entered the room behind me. “I’m here!”

  “Done with your statement?” I asked her.

  “Yep! All set. You’ve got to do yours soon, as soon as you’re done visiting here.”

  We had to record our versions of events for posterity. Ethan had been interviewing Sam while I came for a visit.

  “Suh… Sam?” called a weak voice.

  We all looked over at poor old Shaun Anderson. Our hero, who’d unfortunately gotten the biggest dose of tranquilizer.

  When I’d first seen him sneaking up behind Brenda, I didn’t know if he could pull it off. I thought he’d make some kind of sound, and she’d whirl around and jab him like she had Cece. That’s why I kept stepping back, trying to give him enough room to not trip over the bodies or be seen out of the corner of her eye.

  But he’d done it. Our knight in a yellow T-shirt had brought Brenda to her knees—and then face down on the deck to boot.

  I nudged Sam. “Go on,” I hissed. “Just be nice to him for a minute.”

  Sam grabbed my arm and dragged me over with her. Cece watched from her bed with a small smile playing on her lips as we went over to see the pool boy.

  “I… I’ve been wanting to talk to you.”

  “Uh-huh,” Sam said noncommittally. “Been pretty busy.”

  He nodded his head slowly, then winced. I could tell his head was pounding.

  “I need to tell you something,” he said.

  “Umm, now? Don’t you want to wait until, I don’t know, the future, or something?” Sam turned and whispered in my ear. “Or never.”

  I poked her in the side. “Let him talk,” I hissed back.

  She smiled a plastic smile. “Go on then, Shaun.”

  “I needed to tell you. I mean, I know you really like me and all…”

  Sam gritted her teeth loud enough for me to hear.

  “…but I’ve been seeing someone else. Tasmin, she’s an aerobics instructor. I wanted to tell you in person, break it to you nicely, but you’ve been so busy…”

  “Wait, what?” Sam said, perking up. “You don’t want to date me?”

  Shaun shook his head.

  “No, Sam, that’s what I’m saying. I’m sorry. Don’t be mad.”

  “Oh, I’m not mad. Not at all. I’m happy for you, Shaun.”

  He turned his gaze to me. “I told you she’s an angel, didn’t I? Other girls would be angry. Not her. But I could never date an angel. I need someone with a bit more of an edge, more, you know, interesting.”

  Sam squeezed my arm. Her happiness for Shaun was waning. Terminally.

  “And Tasmin is just so… beautiful. I can’t wait to show her to you all. You’ve never seen anyone so pretty. She’s funny too. And smart. She’s just… so much better than other girls.”

  I had to step to the side and pull my arm out of Sam’s grip before she amputated it. I risked a glance at her and saw the smile had turned to something between a grimace and a scowl.

  “That’s great, Shaun. I think we’ll let you rest now,” I said firmly.

  “One more thing.”

  “What?” Sam said in the way a teacher might to a deliberately disruptive student who’d already asked a dozen stupid questions in a row.

  “You all keep calling me a pool boy. I’m a lifeguard.”

  “You work next to a swimming pool, don’t you? That makes you a pool boy!” Sam grabbed my arm again. “Come on!”

  She yanked at the blue curtain, pulling it all around Shaun’s bed, hiding him from the view of the rest of the room.

  “Bye,” he called weakly from the other side.

  When we returned to Cece’s bed I saw her trying—and failing—to keep a straight face.

  “Don’t laugh!” Sam hissed.

  “I’m not laughing… I’m…” Cece had to pause what she was saying as a peal of giggles burst out. “It’s the medicine!”

  “Who is this Tamsin, anyway?”

  Cece and I both shrugged.

  “It doesn’t matter. As soon as we get to shore, I’m going to take you to a bar I know. It’s full of sailors.”

  “Not interested,” Sam said glumly.

  “What about that new water aerobics and personal training guy?”

  A smile appeared on her face again.

  “Well, maybe him,” she grudgingly admitted.

  “Hello, my little heroes!” a voice boomed that arrived along with a pair of distinct footsteps. One heavy, the other the click-click of heels.

  It was the captain, and he was accompanied by Kelly, who walked side-by-side with him.

  “Wonderful work, everyone. Especially Cece and Shaun!”

  “Addy was important too,” said Kelly.

  “And Sam,” I said. “Without her weight to hold Brenda down, she could have escaped.”

  “My weight?” she repeated, her regained smile disappearing again.

  “I mean your help.”

  She gave me a suspicious look while Cece held up a hand to her mouth to stop more giggles from bursting out.

  “Where’s our medical criminal?” asked the captain.

  That was a point. Where was Nurse Jessica?

  “I’m over here,” called a voice.

  In the far corner of the room blue curtains sealed off another little section. I hadn’t even noticed she was there. The captain walked over with Kelly by his side. As soon as they had crossed the room, the cruise director pulled open the curtain. There was a rattle as the plastic rings that held the curtain up slid down the rail.

  “Well, well, well,” said the captain, looking down at Jessica and shaking his head. “I told them all you were a criminal. I’ve got a nose for it, you see. I sensed it. I just had you pegged with the wrong victim!”

  I wasn’t sure if it was appropriate for the captain to be talking to Jessica like that. I walked over to join them. When I got there, I saw that one of her wrists was handcuffed to the metal frame of her hospital bed.

  “Let’s leave her alone. She’s still recovering from being drugged.” Jessica gave me a wan but thankful smile as I pulled the curtains shut around her again.

  “You’re the expert.”

  The captain walked a couple of steps back across the room, and pulled out an orange plastic chair from against a wall, dropping it into the aisle that ran down the center of the room. He sat down on it with relief. “What happens now?”

  “When we get back to New Orleans, the police will take over. The models will be charged with assaulting me, and what happens to Jessica will be up to the authorities in Florida. Brenda will be arrested for murder, and—what?— three more attempted murders.”

  “Goodness,” said the captain, following the words with a long whistle. “It’s exhausting, all this crime, isn’t it?”

  Kelly stepped behind the captain and put her hands on his shoulders and began to massage them.

  “It is stressful, Captain Ellman, and you’ve been so, so busy.”

  “There’s still more work to do,” I told him while I kept an eye on Kelly. I wasn’t sure massaging the captain’s shoulders was one of the cruise director’s duties. “We’ve all got to give statements and type up reports. Since you were involved and so integral to the investigation, sir, you’ll have to do that too,” I said.

  “I was, wasn’t I? But I’ve already got…”

  “…a billion things to do…” finished the captain and Kelly in unison.

  “A billion and one, now,” I added. “Now it’s time to love you and leave you all.” I regrette
d my phrasing immediately. It was just an expression, but a stupid one to use in front of my new boss. Especially considering Kelly’s sharp stare as soon as I said it. “Umm, I’ve got to go and give a statement.”

  I backed away from the captain and then turned and gave a wave to Sam and Cece.

  “Bring me a bottle of whiskey when you come back!” Cece called as I left.

  “No!” I called cheerfully over my shoulder.

  On my way over to Ethan’s office, I stopped outside for a moment.

  The stars were out, the air was still, and the moon was just a thin sliver in the sky.

  I took a few deep breaths. It had been a rough week.

  But in the end, everything came up roses.

  I couldn’t wait for a bit of well-earned shore leave. Cruise life sure could be exhausting.

  But after a little R&R, I’d be ready for another exciting cruise aboard the Swan of the Seas.

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  Blurb

  Bed and Breakfast and Cruises

  Addrienne is surprised to learn that a Bed and Breakfast association from England is holding their annual conference on board the ship.

  She's excited to meet some of the vendors, especially those offering gourmet snack and dessert samples to cruise participants...

  Unfortunately, it's not all fun and games when the former head of the association is found murdered - and Addi and her friends must uncover the killer before the cruise ends!

  To make matters worse, the new captain does his best to hinder Addi and her friend's efforts...

  Click here to be the first to read Bed and Breakfast and Cruises

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  Sneak Peak: A Berry Deadly Welcome

  Chapter One

  "Come on, come on." I gripped the steering wheel with white knuckles. My car was out of gas. Rather, my ex-husband's car was out of gas. I had "borrowed" it to make the trip from Chicago, Illinois down to Camden Falls, Kentucky. I'd had to make the trip somehow, and I'd been too broke to buy a bus ticket.

  I rocked back and forth in my seat a couple of times, trying to will my momentum into the car. I knew that wouldn't help it inch forward off the road and into the curbside parking spot, but I did it all the same. I couldn't stop myself.

  "Just a little more!" The engine gagged, coughed, spluttered and then bucked before rattling and dying. That was okay, though. When it bucked, the car lurched forward that little bit more that I'd needed to get it off the road. I wasn't going to have to abandon it with its butt end sticking halfway out into the road.

  I eyed the road around me. It was huge. It wasn't eight lanes huge or anything like that. There were only two lanes, one coming and one going, but the main street of little Camden Falls could have accommodated four tractor trailers driving side by side. Even with so much room, the traffic was slow and lazy, cars meandering instead of rushing. There were two and three car-lengths between each car that passed. I was used to seeing cars in Chicago drive headlight to bumper, but that wasn't happening here.

  On top of that, there were almost no people. I eyeballed around thirty or forty people walking around. They walked in small groups or alone, but always spread out with plenty of distance in-between.

  I turned my attention toward a pickup truck that was driving past. The truck's driver nodded his head at me and then lifted his palm in a small side-to-side wave. Panic flooded me, and my heart skittered and jumped as badly as the engine had a moment earlier. My ex probably already had a warrant out for my arrest, and it would be just like him to hire someone to keep an eye out for me.

  I twisted to see if anything was coming from behind and then jumped out of the car. It was a pearl white Mercedes S-Class, and I'd probably never get the chance to drive anything like it again—especially if my ex had me put in jail. If that happened, I wouldn't even need to worry about how I'd look when I renewed my driver's license. I wouldn't need to worry about where my next meal was coming from or where I was going to sleep tonight.

  "Maybe I should get arrested." I couldn't keep the hopefulness out of my voice as I glanced around, but I didn't see any police. "Live to fight another day," I said with a scowl before forcing my features to relax. I didn't want to get wrinkles.

  Popping the trunk of the car, I used all of my not-impressive strength to lift a navy canvas suitcase out of the trunk. Then, I hesitated, looking wistfully between the car keys I held in my hands and the car. With a sigh and a shoulder shrug, I did what I had to do. I clicked the lock button on the key fob, and then tossed the keys into the trunk and slammed the trunk's lid down. I'd gotten this far, but tempting fate wasn't my style.

  I pulled up the suitcase's telescoping handle and started walking, dragging the suitcase behind me on its tiny wheels. The name tag attached to the handle flopped and jiggled as I walked, listing my name in block letters: KYLIE BERRY. It was my maiden name, not the name I'd left behind with that dirty, rotten piece of pond scum I used to call a husband. No, Kylie Berry was a good name, and it, the suitcase and its contents were all that I owned. But that would be enough. It had to be. I'd figure out the rest as I went, and where I was going now was my cousin's cute little café. When she'd invited me to come down to "help her out," I'd jumped at it. If it meant one less night of having to sleep at the women's shelter, then I was game.

  I paid attention to the people around me as I walked. All around me were a myriad of tennis shoes or flat sandals, various types of denim, a few Walmart-style short skirts, and a lot of t-shirts. I was wearing a black polka-dotted sleeveless, torso-fitted dress with a flared skirt, gold high-heel pumps, and I knew from experience that my shoulder-blade length fire red hair would be shining in the afternoon sun.

  I didn't fit in, but I didn't see anyone picking up any rocks to throw at me, so I figured that must be okay. A man exited a store with a green awning twenty or so feet ahead of me wearing what had to have been a thousand-dollar suit, and no one paid him any attention either.

  "Things are going to be okay," I mumbled to myself. Yet my feet were not convinced. Camden Falls' Main Street seemed to go on forever, and my pretty gold pumps soon pinched my feet in ways that made me work hard to hide a limp.

  A group of barely twenty-somethings sauntered through a door a little ways ahead of me laughing, and one of them was holding a to-go cup of what looked like iced tea.

  My heart sped up but my feet slowed. This was it. My new beginning. My second chance. I'd be the best waitress, assistant, whatever I could be to Sarah. And hopefully, Sarah would make room for me on her couch until I crawled my way back up to standing on my own two feet.

  This would work. I would make it work.

  Chapter Two

  I won't lie, when I reached for the glass-front door with the scrawling script "Sarah's Eatery" on it, my hand was shaking, but I kept my eyes bright and an excited smile on my gloss-painted lips as I pulled the door open. A little bell jangled, announcing my entrance.

  That's when I stepped into cousin Sarah's "tiny" little café, and my smile slipped as my mouth fell open. It was huge! I had imagined some ten foot by ten foot space with as many little ro
und tables and chairs as could be crammed into it per the laws of physics, but instead what I found was spatial extravagance. There was room to walk between the tables. People could have conversations without the absolute certainty that the words they spoke were being overheard by the person sitting two inches behind them. A ladder on top of another ladder would be needed to reach the ceiling. And it had big, sunny windows on two sides, all along the wall that faced Main Street and all along the wall that faced the corner side street, making it look even bigger.

  "Wow." I felt like I was Dorothy in The Wizard of Oz. I'd been swept up from the churning bustle of Chicago and dropped right in the middle of a magical place where people could stretch their legs, lean back in their chairs and prop their arms behind their heads without worrying about blocking the path of another.

  "Kylie!" Sarah exclaimed.

  I turned my head to the left, toward Sarah's voice and a grill-style bar. Over the bar was a large banner that read, "We'll miss you!" with Sarah's name taped on at the end on a large piece of colorful construction paper. Sarah had her hands thrown up in the air as if to celebrate, and all of the patrons at the bar were swiveled around on their stools to stare at me.

  Sarah didn't exactly come running from around the bar to greet me. It's more like she bounced. She was wearing denim overalls that were rolled at the ankle, a sleeveless tee with a scoop neck, and cute little white canvas shoes without socks. Her eyes crinkled heavily at the corners from her enormous smile, but it looked good on her.

  "Hey!" She threw her arms around me in a warm, snuggly hug. Her hair smelled like apples with a hint of grilled cheese. "I knew you'd make it in time."

  "Hi," I said, with a panic-smile plastered on my face. "You going somewhere?"