Larry Niven’s Man-Kzin Wars - XIV

by Larry Niven

  The day of the presentation was cool and cloudy. The kzin did not need to wear the hats and sunglasses which sometimes gave them an odd appearance. Vaemar, with his mate Karan, Rarrgh, and other members of his household, were dressed in finery, Rarrgh with his two ear-rings on prominent display. Also present were the Rykermanns, the abbot, and several other human dignitaries. Marmalade was to be presented to Vaemar-Riit.

  However, terrified of the gathering crowd, Marmalade was nowhere to be found. Leonie, the abbot and Rarrgh went in search of him while Vaemar and Nils Rykermann took refreshments.

  Using Rarrgh’s ziirgrah sense and his artificial eye with its infrared vision, they eventually found Marmalade cowering in the darkest corner of the monastery’s old and disused chicken coop. Rarrgh, shocked, was in favor of tearing him to pieces then and there, as a disgrace to the Heroes’ Race, but Leonie, to whom Rarrgh also was secretly devoted, talked him out of it, saying Marmalade was under her protection. The fact that Marmalade was still young enough to have retained the juvenile spots on his fur may also have inhibited Rarrgh—though mature male kzin sometimes killed kittens, they also developed a protective reflex towards them, and Rarrgh now had new kittens of his own. Still, Rarrgh was boiling with rage and vicarious shame, perhaps, indeed, to the extent that his ziirgrah sense was affected by the effort of keeping his emotions in check.

  With somewhat more difficulty, Leonie talked Marmalade out of his hiding place. “Will he hurt me?” he asked, gazing up at Rarrgh with huge, terrified eyes. In all her dealing with kzin, Leonie wore unobtrusive but very strong armor under her clothes. It was just as well, for Marmalade seized her arm for comfort, too frightened to retract his claws, now looking down with fear at a small mouse-like creature that had been eating some spilled grain. Rarrgh seized the arm and threw it off her. Marmalade’s claws had not penetrated Leonie’s shielding or drawn blood, but still Marmalade was closer to death than he had ever been in that moment.

  They joined the little crowd. Fortunately, there were a number of other kzin in the gathering, and this made Marmalade a little less conspicuous, at the back of the group and partly hidden from the VIPs on the ceremonial dais by a tree-stump. He was, if anything, even more frightened of telepaths than of ordinary kzinti, and Leonie was relieved to find there were none present. Some drums, an important part of many kzin ceremonies, were produced, and Vaemar’s younger kittens danced on them.

  Von Pelt and the nameless kzin brought the jar forward and placed it on a table covered with cloth of gold. Marmalade, Rykermann noticed, looking a little nervously behind him, was staring at them with an unusual intensity. The pair bowed to Vaemar-Riit. Then, with a few well-chosen words from the old man, they stepped modestly back into the crowd. Their aircar was nearby.

  The next part of the ceremony called for Nils Rykermann to present the jar to Vaemar on behalf of humanity, an enduring symbol of the respect in which humanity held him. Vaemar would then make a speech of acknowledgement, to be followed by a feast for which two sorts of food had been prepared.

  Marmalade’s telepathic sense was dormant and unschooled but not completely absent. Screaming a single word, he burst out of the crowd like a rocket, scattering humans and kzin left and right. He snatched up the jar and ran with it to the edge of the crowd. He threw it to the ground and flung himself upon it to cover it before it exploded, scattering hydrofluoric acid in all directions.

  Between the acid and the explosion there was not enough left of Marmalade to place in a shrine. One of Vaemar-Riit’s kittens bears his name.

  LEFTOVERS

  by Matthew Joseph Harrington

  LEFTOVERS

  UNLESS HE WAS STAYING over with a woman he’d met, Buford Early slept in his autodoc. At his age most people died in their sleep, and while he wasn’t as afraid of dying as most people, it struck him as an undignified way to go after surviving five wars. On the other hand, his psychist program told him it was really a way of distancing himself, since the lack of a bed in his apartment meant that any woman who came home with him couldn’t stay over herself. The clincher, however, was that it was the most comfortable place he’d ever had to sleep.

  He was not accustomed to being startled when he woke up.

  He was certainly not accustomed to being so badly startled, ever. There was a head floating outside the observation window.

  It was a head of truly astonishing ugliness, resembling nothing so much as a really cruel caricature of a dragon. A bulging snout of a nose hung over a rigid and lipless bony beak, whose molar-textured gash extended back to the hinge of the jaws. Huge ears flanked a face with the texture of boiled leather, which had been crammed into the bottom third of a swollen bald head, which looked as if someone had overinflated the brain and then stuck another on in back.

  Which was more or less what had happened. The thing belonged to a Protector, which meant that the human race was about to begin a long period of being micromanaged like so many small and rather stupid children.

  Buford reached into the receptacles adjacent to his hands, but instead of finding a stunner and a one-shot puncher, he felt only small pieces of paper. He brought them up to look at them. Each had one word printed on it: COLD.

  Next to the head, his robe, draped over nothing, waved itself at the window. He’d have to bide his time, keep his mind off the subject, wait for a chance, and take it. Meanwhile, he opened the lid of the ’doc, sat up, and said, “George Olduvai?”

  The Protector rolled its eyes and said, “Puns are the pornography of mathematicians. Jack Brennan is dead.”

  “How did that happen?” he exclaimed, taking the robe as he got out.

  “A weapon whose programming he hadn’t supervised himself activated a laser and cut him in half at the waist. Aberrantly careless, I suspect suicide. As a breeder he seems to have been sociable, so he never got used to being the smartest person he knew.”

  As Early tied his robe sash, he felt for the coil of Sinclair filament in the capsule at the end. The capsule was there, but it held another piece of paper that read COLD. “So who are you?” he said, crumpling the paper and tossing it toward the cleaner.

  “You can call me Ursula.”

  “You’re female?” he said, then winced at the gaffe.

  She let it go. “If memory serves. Let me get you a sandwich,” she said, and the control panel started doing things.

  “Can I see something besides a head, please?”

  “Sure.” A pressure suit appeared below the head, mostly covered with pockets. It looked like a suit of medieval armor that had just been swallowed by an enormous mutant potholder. Though she didn’t have the accent, it was like a Belter’s suit, with a conspicuous and distinctive emblem on the chest. The picture was of a wheel station, seen from along its axis, and covered with weapon emplacements, with two of the eight spokes shot away on either side. “How’s grilled cheese and bacon suit you?”

  “Actually I was planning on cooking the roast I have in the freezer.”

  “Sorry. Gone.”

  He goggled at her. “That was five pounds of cultured beef!”

  “Marshall Early, Pleasance was conquered almost a year ago. We’re at war. I was hungry. And anyway, you got cheated. That was grain-fed—I distinctly tasted gluten peptides.” She handed him a plate bearing a sizzling handmeal. Doubly annoyed though he was, his mind was working; sandwich was an archaic term used by his generation and by Pleasanters, which suggested she was the latter, and must have had some fairly interesting experiences in the past year. He bit into the sandwich.

  About a minute later, she handed him a hot towel and a bulb of cold milk. After he’d used both, he said, “That was good.”

  “Want another?”

  “Yes.” As that was being handed to him, he said, “I haven’t used the ’doc foodmaker in too long. I didn’t remember it was this good.”

  “It wasn’t. I rebuilt it when I was reprogramming the ’doc to remove the Puppeteer bug from your head.”

&n
bsp; She was fast: she caught the sandwich three feet off the ground. “The what?” he said.

  “Bug. The reason you’ve been so much more relaxed and easygoing since you were wounded in the Third War.”

  “Fifth.”

  She waved a hand. “The one before this one. It’s why you’ve been trying negotiation.”

  “Well,” he said, “they say a pacifist is just a general who’s been shot.”

  “In the brain.”

  “Sorry?”

  “‘A pacifist is a general who’s been shot in the brain.’”

  “That’s not how I remember it.”

  “Of course not, you’ve been shot in the brain. I replenished the boosterspice supply while I was working on the ’doc, you’ll get up to speed soon.”

  “That couldn’t have been too hard.”

  “Whatever makes you—ah. No, boosterspice is not based on tree-of-life, it just activates some of the same inert gene complexes. If a Protector wanted to make people younger, the stuff would repair gene damage instead of just patching over it. Good for about fifty years. Here, eat. I’ve also added a beetle to the ’doc programming. It’ll spread into other ’docs, so they’ll recognize and remove the implants in other people after yours gets its regular update from the manufacturer. Humans have been doing entirely too well at fighting kzinti. There were supposed to be a couple of more wars to get you into shape.”

  “For what?”

  “For whatever the Puppeteers need you both to fight so they don’t have to. It’s a dangerous universe out there, and they want lots of cannon fodder between them and the rest of it.”

  “Ursula,” he said, “that’s paranoid, and this is me saying it.”

  “Marshall,” she said, “I’m a Protector. I don’t act on supposition. I confirmed it.”

  “How?”

  “Interrogated a Puppeteer.”

  “I thought they killed themselves if anyone tried that.”

  “They do. Not only that, there’s automatic reflexes that kill them in various ways if you prevent them from doing it voluntarily. Took me fifteen tries until I had them all covered.”

  This time her hand was right under the sandwich. She led him to his desk, where he sat, and shook, and said, “There are fourteen dead Puppeteers now?” (“Conniptions” didn’t begin to describe how they would react. “Extinction” might.)

  “Don’t be silly. I just recorded one and kept editing the pattern. I noticed the transfer booth system was bugged, so I took advantage of that.” She handed him another bulb, and he ate and drank in silence as he thought about this.

  When he was done, he said, “You duplicated a Puppeteer?”

  “Hell, no. I just flat-out kidnapped him, then replaced the original recording when I was done and sent him on his way. With a few minor edits, so he didn’t notice the discrepancy in the time.”

  It occurred to Early that she’d killed the original.

  She must have been able to read his face and body language better than he could imagine. “You do realize that, unless you assume the existence of souls, a transfer booth kills the user and delivers a replacement,” she said. “It’s how you can tell no Protector has ever been to Jinx. There are people who believe transfer booths don’t send the soul along, and on Jinx that means the only way for them to get from one End to the other in a reasonable time is by suborbital craft. A Protector would have put a hullmetal tube through the planet for them to use.”

  “You’d go to that much trouble and expense to humor a superstitious belief?”

  “You let people vote.”

  He didn’t have an answer for that.

  “Anyhow, that was why Lucas Garner suppressed the human-built version back in the twenty-first century. That and the fact that you could, technically, make copies of anyone who used one. He reckoned you’d have to make murder legal.”

  “Can you? Copy people?”

  “Sure. Of course, blacking out the entire planetary power grid for eight months to charge up for it would be a bit of a giveaway. Garner wasn’t so hot on the math part, more concerned about souls.”

  “Do we have souls?” he said.

  “How should I know? And why would I care? Souls are of significance after death. That puts them just exactly out of my jurisdiction. My job is to keep you all alive and reproducing and happy enough to stick with it.”

  “The Mor—” he said, and shut up.

  “The Morlocks on Wunderland took an interest because they had never been exposed to the concept, and were too busy to think the implications through.”

  “You know about them.”

  “Of course. I even know whose fault they were. Relax, you’re not in trouble for approving Project Cherubim. I’m a Protector, I expect breeders to screw up.”

  “You have a problem with creating Protectors to fight the kzinti?”

  “I have a problem with creating an army of immortal nursemaids to supervise the human race.”

  “They were exposed to a lot of radiation on the trip. They were supposed to live just long enough to win the war.”

  “Interesting theory.” (Somehow she made that rhyme with “you schmuck.”) “One of the reasons I think Brennan’s death was suicide was, if he’d made an effort to survive, he could have recovered. I know I could. Anything that doesn’t kill a Protector outright can heal.”

  “You said he was cut in half.”

  “Top half still worked.” She patted his arm. “Don’t worry about it. All the human Protectors from Home are headed for the Core to kill off the Pak, and I have serious issues with manipulative parents. I might add that you, personally, are very lucky that the plan failed.”

  His mind raced but got no traction. “Why?”

  “Marshall, who did you consider the sexiest woman in the world when you were growing up?”

  “Well, you know, it’s been hundreds of years—”

  “Buford.”

  He looked at her and remembered who, or rather what, he was trying to be evasive with. “Leslie Cordwainer.”

  She got a pad out of a pocket, scribbled on it, and said, “Not bad. I take it the pendulum had swung back to Rubens.”

  “Hah. No, the Dead Wirehead look was in full force. She kind of stood out.”

  “Literally. Mine weren’t that big. Now, can you imagine what her sex life was like?”

  “I have been known to manage not to for days at a time now,” he said mordantly.

  “Sorry. But I need you to imagine that, thanks to you, she has become an asexual, superintelligent killer, having nothing which would qualify as a conscience by your standards, and with reflexes so fast she can dodge pistol slugs, cells with internal reinforcements that would allow her to survive a few hits with nothing more than bruises, and bones and muscles so strong she can take the gun away and rip it apart,” she took a breath, “who remembers every detail of her sexual history and knows where you live.”

  He made a noise in his throat, and she turned to get him another bulb. While she was getting it he opened his desk, only to find several more pieces of paper that said COLD. “Hey, where’s my cigar lighter?” he demanded.

  “Obviously I took it.”

  “Well, dammit, give it back! It’s a priceless heirloom, maintained and handed down from agent to agent for over six hundred years.”

  “I should just think it has been. I found eighty-two different ways it can be used to ruin somebody else’s day. Eighty-three if they don’t smoke. You’ll get it back later, I don’t want you wasting time. You had enough to eat?”

  “I want a cigar,” he grumbled.

  Her rigid face was as capable of expression as a Noh mask—exactly so: when she turned it to change the shading, she displayed a new mood. She detested tobacco smoke.

  “You mind if I smoke?” he said, prepared to see if Protector hide would blister.

  “Hell, I don’t mind if you catch fire and burn to the ground like Miss Havisham. You’ve spent almost three hundred years making my job
harder to do.” She opened his cigar box—he saw another slip of paper—got one out, snipped the end, handed it over, and lit it for him.

  “Is that a wooden match?” he said after the first drag.

  “They’re supposed to preserve the flavor.”

  “I just—mm, it does, thanks—I just think that’s a little extravagant.”

  “Marshall, this planet has ten million square miles of forest. That’s about a trillion trees. Cut down one percent a year and that’s five tons of lumber per flatlander, with another five tons of foliage and slash for reductive petroleum synthesis. That resource is the principal factor that keeps the dolphins from taking over the plastics industry with their corner on the algae market. You’ve started to believe ARM press releases.”

  Early took a gloomy puff to avoid answering. She was right. Then he said, “Who’s Miss Havisham?”

  “Early selective-breeding reformer, precursor of the Fertility Board. Marshall, I need to find the other Freezer Banks.”

  “Other?”

  “The only one I can find in ARM records is under this building.”

  “They were combined right after the start of the First War,” Early said. “What was left. They were just about emptied out.”

  The mask turned again, to become forbidding and cold. “Transplants?”

  “Sergeants.”

  The Protector blinked six times. Then she got her pad back out and scribbled on it again. She had damn long fingers, from the extra joint that gave a Protector retractable claws. The effect was exceedingly creepy. Without looking up from the screen, she said, “A lot of things that frighten people are hardwired into the brain from Pak days.”

  “How did you do that without seeing my face?” he said.

  “Your body language changed.” Ursula lifted her gaze again, and he paid attention to her eyes for the first time. They were pretty. It was a jarring contrast with the rest of her looks. Also, the pupils were different colors—one red, one blue. “That was your idea too.”

  “Yes.”