And Baby Makes Three

by Rebecca Winters

  ‘How can I leave things like this?’

  ‘I don’t think either of us has a choice. We can’t settle anything tonight, and you have a heavy day tomorrow. You’ve got to win that race.’

  He stared at her. Did she really think he cared about that?

  ‘Kaye-’

  ‘Please go.’ She opened the door and stood beside it until he walked past into the corridor. But at the last moment he stopped and tried to reach for her.

  ‘Kaye, please-’

  ‘Goodnight, Jared.’

  He was facing a closed door.

  Her dread, as she went to the track next morning, was that Tony Williams might be there. She couldn’t see him, but for safety’s sake she maintained a normal air-talking, smiling, working as usual.

  Jared did the same, speaking to her politely about some meaningless subject before heading for the car. As he walked his heart was beating with tension, for he knew that something was badly wrong.

  In the past one of his strengths had been his clarity of vision, as though the mere act of racing gave his eyes a new sharpness-not physical, but springing from the inner conviction that here he was king. The outside world vanished and the only reality was the track ahead, leading him on to inevitable victory.

  But now that clarity had gone, leaving only confusion. Where was he-and why? The engineer spoke on his radio.

  ‘Time to move. Good luck.’

  Suddenly he couldn’t think of the words to say, so he raised his fist in a gesture of agreement. First the warm-up lap. Useful. It would give his mind a chance to clear. Functioning on automatic, he went round the track until he reached the start again, and then settled in pole position.

  What was Kaye doing at this moment? Watching him, as she always did? Or standing back, rejecting him in her heart as well as her mind? He tried to thrust her away. This was his world and he must concentrate. But it was desolate without her, and the track ahead was still vague.

  A yell. The moment had come. The five hanging lights went out, and they were off. From the corner of his eye he could see Gary, trying to edge ahead by the first bend. His rival was still in a sulphurous temper-something which once would have delighted him, for he liked nothing better than a challenge.

  But now he was assailed by weariness and a crashing sense of failure. He took the first bend, managing to keep his lead. His mirror showed Gary falling in behind him, coming too close.

  One lap, then two. All would be well if only he could pull himself together, but his head was pounding. There was Gary, coming up beside him, still too close.

  ‘Watch out for him!’ The message came shrieking over his radio. ‘He doesn’t care what he does.’

  It was true. Gary was trying to intimidate him. Jared moved, but he was too late. The cars collided and he felt himself swept up to a great height before turning over and over and landing with a crash that blotted out the world.

  He was totally alone. All around him stretched a wilderness-bleak, empty of all human life.

  Until this moment he hadn’t known what true isolation was, only that he hated it. Always he’d surrounded himself by people who talked and laughed, assured him that life was a reckless game. Now he was lost in the silence, and he was terrified.

  Nothing had worked out as he’d expected. His plan had been to approach Kaye, claim Mike, then share the child with her. That way he would have a stake in the future without having to give too much of himself. He would win her confidence, set up a financial trust, then get to work on Mike, ensuring that the child’s loyalty would always be his.

  He’d even toyed with the idea of marrying her as a way of securing his property, but he’d left that idea in limbo. Marriage would involve a degree of honesty and explanation that he’d rather do without. Better to wait and see how things worked out.

  But their meeting had changed everything. Kaye was still partly the impish girl he remembered, yet now she was many other things, and a thousand times more enchanting. It might be her few extra years’ maturity, or perhaps the sadness of her experience, bearing a child without the father’s support, sacrificing her career. She must often have felt abandoned, but instead of making her bitter it had given her an edge-a sweet, ironic knowingness that had mystified and captivated him in equal measure.

  It shamed him to recall how he’d toyed with the idea of a cold-blooded marriage. His reactions in life were as swift as in a race, and in almost no time he’d known he wanted her, body, heart and soul. Not just for Mike. For herself.

  That was when he’d known he had real problems.

  He’d known he must tell her everything, but with a cowardice he’d never suspected he’d put it off and put it off. Once he’d nearly made it, slipping his mother’s ring into his pocket in readiness. But then she’d begun to talk about more children and he’d backed off, vowing to find a more suitable time.

  He’d been fooling himself. There would never be a good time, and by delaying he’d left her to hear it from another source-the worst thing that could have happened. Her chilly contempt had shattered him.

  Suddenly he’d found himself facing a situation he didn’t know how to deal with-one he couldn’t talk his way out of or shunt aside by winning a race. Now his feelings were real and terrible, and he must confront them. If only he knew how.

  There was only one person who might be able to show him the way, but she was the person he’d hurt most of all, and the freezing contempt with which she’d ordered him off had stunned him.

  But now she seemed to be there with him, and what he saw in her eyes was not contempt, but heartbreak. For him she’d ventured out from behind her defences, daring to trust again and grow close because she loved him. He’d betrayed that trust and smashed her to the ground.

  With all his heart he longed to seek her forgiveness and make things right, but that would never be possible. A man who couldn’t forgive himself had no right to ask forgiveness of the one he’d injured, and that was the burden he must carry from now on.

  Now he almost hoped she wouldn’t be there when he opened his eyes.

  But she was, sitting with her head buried in her hands as though engulfed by despair.

  CHAPTER SIX

  FOR an hour she’d sat by the bed, wanting to be the first thing Jared saw. Anger and bitterness had drained from her, obliterated by horror at his accident, for which she blamed herself. If only he would awake she would make it right, promise him a new start. All would still be well.

  At last the strain overcame her and she buried her head in her hands. When she looked up he was watching her.

  ‘Jared,’ she whispered eagerly.

  His gaze seemed to be fixed on her, but there was nothing in his eyes. She leaned forward, making sure he could see her.

  ‘Jared.’

  ‘Where am I?’

  ‘In a hospital near the racetrack. They brought you here, and it’s looking good. At least you’re back with us.’

  ‘I’ve had crashes before. No need to make a fuss. What happened to the race? Is it over?’

  ‘Yes, Gary won. He’s been here, doing the self-reproach thing for driving you off the track.’

  ‘He didn’t. I just lost concentration. No big deal.’

  ‘But it was my fault too. I know that. I’m so sorry.’

  He looked blank. ‘About what?’

  ‘Last night. I should have calmed things down, and we could have talked later. If you knew how I blame myself for letting it turn into a row.’

  ‘Did we have a row?’ he asked, frowning.

  ‘Don’t you remember?’

  ‘All I remember about last night is an almighty headache.’ He closed his eyes. ‘And I’ve still got it.’

  ‘I’m here if you need me.’

  He frowned. ‘Better if you get the plane home tonight, or Mike will worry. I’ll see you in England.’

  His eyes closed. It was like the slamming of a door.

  He didn’t want her, she realised. As for last night-had he
really forgotten, or was that simply another way of rejecting her? It was natural for his memory to be clouded, but she was full of dread.

  Knowing Mike would be watching the race in England, she’d called him earlier, trying to sound reassuring. Now she called him again with a cheerful tale of Jared’s recovery.

  ‘Is he coming home?’

  ‘Not tonight, but I’m coming.’

  ‘So he’s really, really all right?’

  ‘Yes, I promise you. I’d stay here if he wasn’t.’

  And if he wanted me, she thought sadly.

  Later that night, at home with the family, she watched the item on the news.

  ‘Luckily it’s not serious,’ the commentator declared, ‘and Jared Marriot is expected back tomorrow.’

  ‘Can we go to the airport?’ Mike asked eagerly.

  ‘No, darling. He’ll want to go straight home and rest.’

  She was afraid he would argue, but perhaps some note of strain in her voice held him silent. He was a perceptive child.

  For the next few days she had no direct contact with Jared. He called Mike, who would eagerly relate every conversation to her, and she had to be satisfied with that, plus what she heard from Mr Vanner at work. At last Jared texted her, asking her to come to his apartment that evening.

  He greeted her with a kiss-not passionate like others they’d shared in the past, but a peck on the cheek.

  ‘We need to talk,’ he said quietly, sitting her down. ‘I wasn’t ready before. Thank you for being patient with me.’

  ‘Mr Vanner says you’re going to start driving again. Are you sure you’re well enough?’

  ‘Yes, I was only shaken up, and I’m over that.’

  ‘Jared, please can we forget the things we said that night? I can’t forgive myself for quarrelling with you and endangering you-’

  ‘But you didn’t,’ he said pleasantly ‘I crashed in the race because I got headachy and confused.’

  He paused, and she had the sense that he was bracing himself for a great effort. She longed to tell him not to worry, that all would be well, but the words wouldn’t come. A barrier lay between them-partly her making, partly his.

  ‘We never really had a chance to discuss what you found out about me,’ he said at last. ‘It’s true. I’m sterile.’

  ‘But is that certain? Can they really be so sure after just one night?’

  He grimaced. ‘The doctor tried to soften the blow a little. He said there was a minute chance that I might be able to father a child-’

  ‘How minute?’

  ‘Two or three percent. Even if that’s true-and frankly I don’t believe it-I’d be a fool to rely on it. Better to face reality now. For practical purposes, I’m dead. I should have told you at the start but I lost my nerve. I’m sorry about that, and I’m sorry you found out the way you did. I know that no words can make it right, but for what it’s worth I apologise.’

  ‘There’s no need. I reacted badly. I lost my temper and I shouldn’t have-’

  ‘Why not? What happened was my fault. I forced that scene on you, although you tried to avoid it.’

  ‘But-’

  ‘Please!’ He held up a hand to silence her, still keeping his distance. ‘I’ve had a lot of time to think,’ he said quietly. ‘That’s something I haven’t done much of in my life, but I see somethings clearly now. You can’t live as I have without hurting people. You were right in everything you said-’

  ‘Jared, please-’

  ‘No, let me finish before my courage runs out.’ He gave a bitter laugh. ‘I find I don’t have as much of that as I thought. Another discovery. Boy, I’m really learning things about myself. None of them pleasant.’

  Kaye closed her eyes. It hurt her unbearably to hear him condemn himself. She could have saved him from this if she’d been a little kinder. Now she wanted to reach out and comfort him, but he wouldn’t let her. That hurt more than anything.

  ‘I should have been honest with you from the start,’ he continued. ‘I wasn’t, because I only thought of what I wanted. That’s the ugly truth. I wanted my son, as though it was only my decision and you had no rights. I treated you like a pawn in my plans. How’s that for arrogance? I never gave a thought to how much I could hurt you, but then I didn’t think I could hurt you. Then, when we met, things changed. I wanted you again and-no, you don’t want to hear that. You don’t believe it, and perhaps if I was you I wouldn’t believe it either.’

  He gave a faint, self-mocking laugh.

  ‘I’m not good at this empathy business-getting into other people’s heads and seeing how things look to them. But you’ve shown me how I look to you, and it isn’t nice. Don’t worry. I’m not going to bother you with any of that stuff again.’

  ‘Does that mean you’re leaving us?’ she asked in horror. ‘Going away from Mike?’

  ‘No, I still want to be his father, but I promise to leave you in peace. I’ll support you both, of course. The financial arrangements will stay in place, and the money will increase every year. All I ask is that you let me have some contact with him. Apart from that, I’ll keep my distance.’

  ‘Mike won’t like that at all,’ she said, her voice shaking. ‘He won’t want you to keep your distance-especially when he knows who you are.’

  ‘I hope we’ll grow close, but I want you to know that I’ll never take advantage of that. You’re the boss. You make the big decisions. I’ll fit in with whatever you say.’

  ‘Putting me in the driving seat?’ she said, trying desperately to lighten the mood. ‘That’s your place and yours alone, remember?’

  ‘Yeah, well, maybe a guy who keeps taking the wrong road shouldn’t be in the driving seat,’ he said wryly. Suddenly he covered his eyes with his hand, and spoke in a strained voice that might have been on the edge of tears. ‘Leave it, Kaye. There’s nothing more to say. I’ll make the arrangements and then get out of your way.’

  With all her heart she longed to tell him that she loved him, beg him to give their love another chance. But was it love? Could she be sure? Was this perhaps his way of claiming his share of Mike without commitment? Would he welcome her love or regard it as a nuisance?

  The struggle that lay ahead of her now demanded clever strategy. She must be as subtle as that great driver Jared Marriot on a winning streak. And then perhaps she too would crossing the finishing line first.

  ‘All right,’ she said calmly. ‘We’ll do it however you wish. But we have some decisions to take together. How and when are we going to tell Mike, and when can he come and see you race?’

  There were seven races left, but only the next two were in Europe. The ones after that were at a huge distance, and taking Mike wouldn’t be practical.

  ‘As your son he’s entitled to the privilege,’ Kaye persisted. ‘It’ll mean the world to him. The Belgian Grand Prix is the best choice. It’s the last race before school starts.’

  ‘All right,’ he said uncertainly, as though her brisk tone had taken him by surprise. ‘You seem on top of everything. I’ll leave you to make the arrangements.’

  She gathered her things, the very picture of an efficient administrator.

  ‘Then I’ll be going. I’m glad we got matters settled. It’ll be so much better for Mike, and that’s all that matters, isn’t it? Goodbye.’

  As he heard her go downstairs Jared turned the light off and stood by the window, watching her go through the smallest crack in the curtain. She might turn, and she must not be allowed to see him standing there lest she guess that his eyes followed her as obsessively as his thoughts.

  He’d fought to seem cool tonight, but it had been hard. Something deep inside him still cried out to her, but he resisted it. A protective shield, developed over years of facing and surviving danger, had kept him safe. And he would make sure that it always did.

  For his own sake, but mostly for her. He must set her free and never hurt her again.

  She had reached the end of the street. Now she was turning, ra
ising her head to look up at his window, but he’d stepped well back in the darkness, where she couldn’t see him.

  It was better that way.

  Mike was over the moon at the news that he was to go to the Belgian Grand Prix. The arrangement was that the three of them should fly out the day before.

  ‘Thank you for being so understanding,’ Kaye said to Mr Vanner.

  He grinned. ‘We’re all hoping. Whatever keeps Jared happy is good for the team.’

  So it was an open secret. Smiles and warm looks came from the others, and she could see that what her boss said was true. They were all hoping that things would come right between her and Jared. There was even a hint that some of them were taking bets on it.

  And it would never happen.

  Sam and Ethel too were over the moon.

  ‘I think Mike already knows,’ Ethel whispered.

  ‘You told him?’

  ‘I didn’t have to. The bond is there, and he’s begun to feel it. Look at the way Jared keeps in touch, calling him almost every day. The truth won’t come as a surprise. It’s what Mike’s hoping for.’

  Kaye made the Belgian bookings, assigning separate hotel rooms to herself and Jared. When the day came everyone wished her luck as she set off.

  On the plane Mike sat by the window with Jared next to him, deep in conversation. Occasionally one of them would appeal to her, but she tried not to intrude. This was their time.

  If things had been different the next few days would have been a dream of family delight. For practice and qualifying Mike was watching in the stands, and when Jared won the race Mike and Kaye were so close to the podium that they were sprayed with champagne.

  Later, in Jared’s room, they feasted-just the three of them. Suddenly Mike looked at Jared, then at Kaye, then back to Jared.

  ‘Are you my dad?’ he asked.

  Kaye held her breath. How would he deal with this approach?

  Jared met his son’s eyes. ‘If you want me to be,’ he answered quietly.

  She relaxed. He’d done it perfectly.

  With bouncing, shrieks and hugs, Mike indicated that this was just what he wanted. Kaye realised that Ethel was right. He’d suspected and longed for it to be confirmed. Now he was in seventh heaven. His family was complete. He had the father he wanted. Everything in his little world was wonderful.