The Epic Crush of Genie Lo

by F. C. Yee

  “You,” he hissed at me.

  “Moi?” I said as innocently as I could. Quentin snickered. This was going to go poorly if he kept egging me on.

  “Yes, you! Flaunting your powers where any human can see them! How dare you!”

  I looked around the room. The other diners were frozen mid-bite. Guanyin stepped out from behind the palanquin, being her gorgeous self in a plain qipao. She gave me a smile and a finger wave behind the Jade Emperor’s back.

  “Look, nothing stays hidden for very long these days,” I said. “Everyone’s got a smartphone. Your big masquerade was going to fail at some point. You might even have to—and I know this is a big shock—manage your own affairs in the mortal realm.”

  “Ooooh,” Quentin mooned.

  “Shut up, you damned ape!” the Jade Emperor shrieked. He apparently had as little control over Quentin as Mrs. Nanda did. “You’re part of the reason this mess is spiraling out of control! The two of you have let yaoguai run free on Earth for the first time in more than a thousand years!”

  “Okay, that is on us,” I said. “But what did you want me to do, slaughter them all?”

  “Yes!”

  I narrowed my eyes. Killing every single yaoguai would have meant a convenient cleanup of Erlang Shen’s misdeeds, and a lot of face saved for his uncle. The Jade Emperor would have wu wei’ed himself into another moral victory.

  “They were living beings that hadn’t done anything wrong yet,” I said. “They deserved a chance to do better. Who knows, maybe with enough time they’ll become human.”

  “Of course you would think that the scum of the universe could ever improve their lot,” the Jade Emperor scoffed. “Just because the Ruyi Jingu Bang managed to worm its way around its karmic betters doesn’t mean the rest of the gutter trash—”

  I interrupted him by draining my glass and slamming it on the table upside down. I’d read somewhere that in Australia, it was a signal that I could beat up anyone in the room.

  “What are the odds that you want to finish that sentence?” I asked.

  It took a little while for the Jade Emperor to gather that I was threatening him, probably out of sheer unfamiliarity with the sensation. But the payoff was worth it. His eyes goggled out, and he spat into the air like a trumpet player with no trumpet.

  “No, please, continue,” I said. “You were in the middle of insulting the living weapon your nephew wanted to use to destroy you.”

  Quentin hooted and clapped his hands together. There was no popcorn, so he took a big chunk of bread and tore into it with glee as he watched us.

  The Jade Emperor tried to recover from his tailspin. “You impudent—wretched—disrespectful . . .”

  This was getting sad. “You didn’t come here solely to wag your finger at us. Say what you really wanted to say.”

  The King of Heaven huffed and puffed until he calmed himself down. I waited patiently for him to compose himself.

  “I am here to make a proclamation,” he said, finally. “Because you have so thoroughly violated my policies of discretion, an official Judgment of Heaven is necessary to handle the fallout.”

  “Well hey—haven’t seen one of those in a thousand years,” Quentin chimed in.

  The Jade Emperor shot him a dirty look before continuing.

  “This region of Earth has degraded to the point where it requires more direct management than the celestial pantheon can provide. Therefore, the great Kingdom of California will be cut loose from our jurisdiction.”

  I mashed my nose into my palm. “California’s not a—never mind. Go on.”

  “Any spirit or yaoguai may henceforth set foot in these borders, enjoying the freedom you value so much,” he said with a sneer. “Accountability for what happens will fall squarely on the shoulders of a specially appointed Divine Guardian, who will manage all non-terrestrial interactions inside the protectorate.”

  Guanyin came up to the table and lowered her eyes.

  Finally. The Goddess of Mercy and Gettin’ Stuff Done deserved to be in charge for once. Governing a chunk of Earth would be right in her wheelhouse.

  But something about the situation didn’t sit right. The smugness in the Jade Emperor’s tone made it sound less like he was giving Guanyin a promotion worth celebrating and more like he was washing his hands of an impossible task. The lengths to which he’d go not to do any dirty work astounded me.

  “Non-terrestrial interactions,” I said. “Let me guess. What you really mean is demon fights, rogue gods, and magic spells exploding in people’s faces. Pure chaos. California is going to turn into a big hot mess of spiritual shenanigans that nobody in their right mind would want on their plate.”

  The Jade Emperor smiled and then bent his head.

  Quentin and I shared a confused glance at the gesture. Surely he couldn’t—

  No. No way.

  The ruler of Heaven was bowing. To me.

  I thought maybe he’d fallen asleep on his feet, or suddenly lost the tendons in his neck.

  But Guanyin had dipped even further, fixing me with a pointed stare. And all the other attendants kneeling on the floor had pivoted toward me, kowtowing.

  No way no way no way . . .

  “Well stated, Madame Divine Guardian,” the Jade Emperor said. “Your very own big hot mess indeed.”

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  I’d like to thank my entire family, especially my sisters Melissa and Blythe. I’d like to thank my wonderful editor, Anne Heltzel, for giving my work a home, and my fantastic agent, Stephen Barr, for showing me the way. I’d like to thank Nancy Sondel for putting me in the right place at the right time. And I’d like to thank Karen. She knows what she did.

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