by Donna Alward
But he’d be damned if he’d be the second stringer, the alternate in whatever game she was playing.
“Come on, Lizzie. Of course you are. All you’ve wanted since you got here was to get your job back. I know you’re bored to tears. And you sure as hell aren’t staying here for me.” It hurt to say, so he turned away again. “Don’t worry about it. I’ll find someone else for a few months.”
“That’s it?” she asked. “That’s what you’re going to say to me today?”
He swallowed, hard. “Was there something else?”
Lizzie gave a short, sharp laugh. “Listen, I know Sarah must have come by to see you. I’m guessing she knows about us. She probably also misinterpreted what she saw. I just wanted to explain.”
Josh clenched his teeth. “What’s to explain? When did he get here?” Josh wasn’t even sure why he asked. The last thing he wanted was to talk about Ian what’s-his-name.
“He was waiting for me when I got home last night. Then he stayed at the inn and we met for breakfast. I told him I needed time to think.”
Josh let out a short laugh. “Sweetheart, we both know that him staying at the inn means nothing. It’s just appearances. And you’re always very conscious of that, aren’t you?”
She looked as if he’d struck her. “You’re being a bastard.”
“Self-preservation, sweetheart.”
“Stop calling me that. I don’t like it the way you’re saying it.”
So much energy and resentment was coiled up inside him. “Listen, we both knew going into this that it was a limited-time thing. No commitments. No falling in love crap. You made that pretty clear out on the island the other day. So if you want to go back to Springfield, just go.”
She didn’t reply, and eventually he turned around to face her. Tears shimmered in her eyes and her bottom lip quivered.
It cut into the very heart of him, seeing her cry like that. The urge to apologize and take her in his arms was so strong. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t willingly let himself go all-in with a woman who wasn’t going to do the same. Not again.
So he stood his ground, watched her cry, felt like the world’s biggest asshole.
“Is that all you have to say to me?”
“We covered this before, remember? You were the one with the rules. The opt-out and the secrecy. I’m pretty sure none of that’s changed. You just thought you were going to be the one to opt out and it bugs you that you’re not.”
He was surprised to see her cheeks turn a brilliant pink. “You’re sure, aren’t you? Because you’re so sure about everything,” she snapped at him, and two tears spilled over her lashes and down her cheeks. “You have all the answers, don’t you, Josh? I finally understand that even if I told you you were wrong, you wouldn’t believe me. You made your mind up about me the day I came to town.”
“That’s not entirely true. I saw sides of you that were different. Sides that I … liked a lot.” He caught himself, but she noticed the hesitation and somehow it only seemed to make her angrier.
“I could say I never should have come here, but that would be a lie.” Her words were sharp stabs in the quiet evening. “I needed these few months to see my life clearly. I’m staying until after Charlie has her baby. After that I’ll go, if that’s what you want.”
“What I want?” He gave a bitter laugh. “Do you know what I want, Lizzie? Peace. I am so tired of all the drama. So tired of games and subtext and trying to be what everyone expects me to be. I should never have married Erin, but I did. I should have seen the writing on the wall. I am so tired of having to smile all the time and be the mature one who sets an example for everyone else. I feel that pressure. What I want is a partner who loves me as much as I love her. Who is committed one hundred percent. Someone I can trust completely. What I don’t want is a good time sneaking around pretending to be someone I’m not. I’m done doing that.”
She lifted her chin. “Know what, Josh? I think I could stand in front of you offering all those things and you wouldn’t see it. Because you don’t actually believe that sort of devotion exists for you. The problem isn’t that there isn’t a woman out there for you, but that you won’t be able to recognize her when you see her.” Another tear trembled on the edge of her lashes. “The problem isn’t me. It’s that you’ll never let yourself trust anyone again. You’ll never let yourself be that vulnerable again. And that’s a pretty lonely existence.”
He felt like he’d been punched in the solar plexus.
“Until you’re willing to open your heart, you’re going to be unhappy. Believe me, I know.” She took a breath. “Enjoy the rolls.”
She turned on her heel and walked away. The night was cool but muggy, yet she seemed to be hugging her arms around herself and her head was down and her stride wasn’t the confident, efficient one he was used to seeing.
The top was up on her car, too, and she got inside and shut the door and he couldn’t see her anymore.
After she drove away, he picked up the bakery box and in a fit of frustration threw it toward his garage. Chunks of cinnamon sugar pastry went flying, landing all over his driveway. “Goddammit,” he muttered, leaning against the side of his boat. He wiped his hand over his face.
Lizzie had come here to explain and he hadn’t let her. Instead he’d just ranted all his frustrations that had been bubbling throughout the day. Sarah’s meddling had gotten to him. It wouldn’t surprise him if he also got calls from Jess and Meggie tonight, checking up on him, asking what was going on.
He wasn’t up to that, and Lizzie was working the clinic tomorrow. He picked up the scattered rolls and put them in the compost, then put away his cleaning supplies and put the cover on the boat. When that was done he checked the gas in his generator just in case they lost power when the hurricane hit. There wasn’t much else to do for now, though, and rather than sit home and feel sorry for himself, he decided to take himself down to the Rusty Fern to see if he could find a dart game and a few drinks. Anything to distract him from what a jerk he’d been.
CHAPTER 20
Lizzie would rather do anything else than go to the office and see patients, but it was her scheduled day and so she got there fifteen minutes before the first appointment, put on the coffee, greeted Robin when she arrived, and took several deep breaths trying to calm the anxiety bubbling around in her stomach.
She had to talk to Charlie. Charlie was the only one who’d understand at this point, and Lizzie had some decisions to make.
Robin stuck her head in Lizzie’s office carrying a cup of black coffee. “Thought you could use this before we start.”
“That smells heavenly. Thank you, Robin.”
Robin looked at her closely. “More makeup than usual today. Everything all right?”
Lizzie forced a smile. “Of course it is. Why do you ask?” She could fake it, right? People didn’t need to know that she had gone home last night and cried over stupid Josh Collins.
“Well, news at the café this morning is that Bryce had to pick up Josh at the Fern last night and take him home. I wondered if you knew anything about that.”
Lizzie had been about to take a drink of her coffee, but she stopped with the cup an inch from her lips. “Josh was drunk?”
“As a skunk, apparently. Showed up around nine thirty and started hitting the rye. I have to say, I think that’s the first time I’ve heard of Josh getting hammered since he moved back.”
He’d really been upset then. Over her? Or just the situation in general? Everyone had a breaking point. God, she knew that right enough.
“I didn’t know. Is he okay?”
Robin shrugged. “Probably sleeping off a wicked hangover this morning. Glad you were on the schedule is all I can say.” She hesitated. “For a while I thought that maybe you and Josh…” Robin looked a little embarrassed but carried on. “Anyway, with you being a little worse for wear, well, I guess I’m saying that if you need to talk, let me know.”
Lizzie was touched. Robin
cracked jokes, but she wasn’t gossipy and she didn’t tend to stick her nose too deeply in people’s business. “Thanks, Robin, but I’m fine. Really.”
Robin nodded and moved back to the door. “First appointment is in room two. Whenever you’re ready.”
Lizzie sighed and took a drink of coffee, her mind working double time. Josh had gone out and gotten three sheets to the wind last night? That didn’t sound like him at all. It was bad enough that his cousin the police chief had picked him up and taken him home. That sort of behavior was so unlike Josh that she was worried. He thought she didn’t understand, but she did. More than he could imagine. She knew exactly what it was like to be faced with expectations every day. Why else did she cut loose away from the office? She supposed, thinking about it, that her trips and adventures over the years had been her form of rebellion.
Josh’s escape was being out on the water.
On the heels of the worry came anger. If he’d let her explain, things might have been very different last night. But the moment she’d set foot on his property she’d known there was no sense trying to get through to him. He had his mind made up.
Well, one of them had to keep the practice running today. She left her half cup of coffee on her desk, popped a mint into her mouth, and headed for the first appointment of the day.
At lunchtime she went out for a walk in the early September sun, stopped at the market, and picked up a turkey sandwich, which she ate sitting on a bench in the square.
She sipped at her diet soda and closed her eyes, letting the sun soak into her face. She paid attention to her senses, the way the breeze fluttered on her skin, the salty tang in the air from the ocean, the sound of voices and traffic and the leaves on the trees and a short horn blast from a boat either coming in or leaving the cove. When she opened her eyes she was staring up at the statue of Edward Jewell, the town’s namesake, and she thought of Josh, and the bag they’d found, and how they’d never even talked about it even though it had to be terribly exciting for him. He’d been looking for evidence of a treasure since he was a boy.
She was tied to this town. It was utterly unexpected, but there it was. Jewell Cove felt like a home. Or at least the closest thing she’d had to a home since she’d grown up and her mom had started getting sick.
And other than Charlie, Lizzie doubted anyone would care whether she came or went.
She packed up the remnants of her lunch and walked back to the office. Inside, Luke Pratt was waiting for his appointment and he greeted her with a bright smile, calling her his “favorite doc.” Robin had brewed a fresh pot of coffee and, as Lizzie was tucking her purse away, brought her a mug full of steaming brew.
Reminders of how she’d become part of the community seemed to be everywhere. Luke made her laugh; one of the old ladies from the church group thanked her and called her “dear” and said she was feeling much better since starting her new blood pressure medication. And Lizzie had the distinct pleasure of letting a young woman know she was pregnant, almost exactly one year after her wedding day.
It wasn’t exciting and her heart wasn’t pounding with adrenaline and excitement, but now, faced with the prospect of leaving town, Lizzie was starting to appreciate it a little bit more.
But how could she stay? After last night, she knew working with Josh would be nearly impossible. And would she really be content doing this forever?
She met Charlie at her house after work. Dave had made dinner, and Lizzie sat down to a lovely meal of grilled chicken and salad. Once they’d eaten, Dave told Charlie to put her feet up and he’d clean up while she and Lizzie visited.
Lizzie watched him disappear into the house carrying their plates and then looked over at Charlie. “You’re a lucky woman, you know that?”
Charlie smiled softly. “I know. Ever since I mentioned having to watch my blood pressure, he’s been a sweetheart. I’m so ready for this baby to arrive, Liz. And I’ve got another few weeks to go. I’ll go crazy by then.”
“Short trip,” Lizzie joked, and Charlie laughed. Lizzie got a warm fuzzy feeling seeing her best friend so happy, though she was a bit concerned with Charlie’s color. Her feet continued to swell, too, and Lizzie couldn’t help but ask, “When was the last time you checked your BP?”
“This morning. It’s okay. Not as low as I’d like, but okay.”
“Don’t try to tough it out,” Lizzie advised. “If it spikes, you get yourself to the hospital, you hear?”
“Yes, Mom,” she replied. “And tonight isn’t about me. I’m going to sit here like the beached whale I am. I want to know what’s going on with you. I heard today that Josh got so drunk at the pub that Bryce had to come and take him home.”
“Yeah.”
“You know anything about that?”
“I might.”
Charlie huffed. “Are you going to make me pull it out of you?”
Lizzie shook her head. “No. I’m just not sure where to start.”
In her typical way, Charlie simply waited.
“Okay,” Lizzie said, shifting in her chair and crossing her legs lotus-style on the wide seat. “Here’s the deal. Ian came to see me the day before yesterday.”
“Ian?” Charlie sat up a little straighter. “You mean your ex-boss, ex-boyfriend, Ian?”
“The one and only,” Lizzie answered. “And he offered me my old position back.”
Charlie’s eyes were sharp. “As a doctor or as a girlfriend?”
“Both.”
Charlie rolled her eyes and Lizzie laughed. This was why she loved Charlie. She managed to put things into perfect perspective.
“And you said…”
Lizzie let out a long breath. “Well, definitely no to the girlfriend. I mean, he hasn’t called once since I left. I can’t put my finger on why, but I got the impression that he’d maybe been seeing someone and wasn’t anymore. You know, looking to hook up again.”
“Nice.”
“Right?” Lizzie laughed. “The job thing was a harder decision. I told him I needed time to think.”
“He wants you back now, doesn’t he?”
“At first I told him I definitely wouldn’t leave until after your baby is born. I promised to be here for that.”
Worry pulled at Charlie’s face. “At first. Does that mean you changed your mind?”
“Yeah, I did.”
Charlie looked away. “When do you leave?”
“I’m not.”
Charlie’s head snapped back quickly, her gaze meeting Lizzie with surprise. “What do you mean, you’re not?”
“I’m not going back to Springfield. There’ve been a few viewings of the house and it’ll sell. I won’t have any trouble selling my condo, either.”
Charlie’s face lit up. “You’re staying here?”
“I don’t know, Charlie. Even if I decided to leave emergency medicine behind, I can’t work with Josh. Things totally blew up there. He wouldn’t even let me explain. The things he said—”
Lizzie broke off, a lump in her throat. “I can’t believe I’m going to admit this. I cried a lot last night. Over him. I never cry over guys. Josh is … was … different. I should have followed my own rule. It only gets messy when you mix work with your personal life.”
“Oh, honey. Do you think you love him?”
The lump grew larger, more painful. “I don’t know. I might. I don’t ever remember feeling this way. I’m angry, but I’m sad and hurt and confused.…”
Charlie laughed. “That sounds about right. When Dave and I were trying to figure things out, I was a wreck. I didn’t know what I wanted.”
“Yes, exactly.” Lizzie nodded. “And I think I need to figure out what I want before I can put that on anyone else. Right now it’s mostly cluing in to what I don’t want.”
Charlie’s hand rubbed in circles on her belly and she shifted a little, getting comfortable. “You don’t want your old job back, then.”
“Not there. Part of the reason the stress got to me is because
I felt like I had to live up to my dad’s reputation. I put a lot of extra pressure on myself. His daughter wouldn’t make careless mistakes, you know? And I felt like I’d let him down, and a lot of other people down, too, who’d believed in me. Add that into seeing the family grieve and I lost my edge.”
“I knew your dad. He would have been proud of you no matter what. Liz, you put so much pressure on yourself to be everything. No one can live up to that.”
“I know. I think I have to take a step back and make my own way. As Lizzie Howard and not Russ Howard’s daughter. I don’t know where I’m going to end up, but that’s how I want to move forward.”
“There’s no hope for you and Josh?”
“I don’t know. He says he’s over his ex, but he has issues he hasn’t resolved yet. We started something up thinking it would be fun. A fling. But Josh isn’t a fling type and I don’t think he’s ready for something serious. His mind is closed where I’m concerned.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Me, too, actually. I mean, the idea of a real relationship has me scared to death. But it hurts to let him go, Charlie.”
Tears were threatening again. “Oh, for Pete’s sake, what’s wrong with me?”
Charlie reached over and patted her hand. “You let someone in, sweetie. And then they shut you out. It hurts.”
“Damn right it does,” she agreed.
They sat for a few more minutes.
“I really got used to having you around more. I’m going to miss you if you leave.”
“Josh said he’d find someone to take over the rest of your leave. No worries there.”
“Maybe you can find something closer.”
“Maybe.” Liz’s heart was heavy as she added, “I have my mom to think about, too. I need to be close to wherever she is. I’m the only family she has now. I don’t really know where to begin, you know?”
“Of course I do.” Charlie’s eyes were dark with concern. “Are you sure you can’t talk to Josh? Work things out?”
