I Want to Hold Your Hand

by Marie Force

  “It’s quiet without him, but I’m doing okay.”

  “You should think about getting another dog. You’ve always loved having pets.”

  “I will. In a while.”

  “When you’re ready.”

  Speaking of ready . . . “So I wanted to let you know I’ll be away for a few days.”

  “Where you going?” her mother asked, more out of interest than any nosiness. Molly Abbott liked to know what was going on with her children, but she also knew when to give them their space.

  “Away with Nolan for the weekend.”

  A long pause was the only indication her mother gave that she was at all surprised. “That sounds like fun. Where you headed?”

  “We’re not sure yet.” They’d decided to get in the truck and drive until they found a place they wanted to stop. “Will you let Hunter know where I’ll be? I don’t feel like talking it to death right now, and he’d want to do that.”

  “I’ll tell him. Do you want to talk about it at all, Han?”

  “Sort of but not really,” she said with a nervous laugh that made her mom laugh, too.

  “It’s nice to hear you laugh again.”

  “It’s nice to have a reason to laugh.”

  “Things with Nolan have moved somewhat quickly, no?”

  “Sort of, but we’ve known each other so long. It’s not like starting from scratch with someone new. There’s a lot of history there.”

  “That’s true. He’s a wonderful young man. You know we’ve always loved him.”

  “Yes,” she said softly. Her mother’s endorsement meant everything to her.

  “You’re okay about everything that might happen this weekend?”

  “I guess we’ll see, won’t we?”

  “I’m only a phone call away if you need me.”

  “I know. Thank you for that and a million other things. I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through everything without you and Dad.”

  “Oh Hannah. You got us through it, and you don’t even realize that, do you? That same strength is going to see you through whatever comes next, too.”

  Hannah closed her eyes against the burn of tears. “I’ll call you when I get home.”

  “I’ll look forward to that. I want you to relax and enjoy yourself and not worry about anything. You’ve earned the right to be happy.”

  “Thanks, Mom. Love you.”

  “Love you, too, honey.”

  Hannah clicked off the phone and returned it to the cradle. Curling up on her bed, she stared at the letter from Caleb on the table. It suddenly became clear to her that before she took this monumental step with Nolan, she had to make peace with the past and leaving that letter unread would mean leaving unfinished business behind. She wanted a clean slate before she left with Nolan, and there was only one way to get that.

  Frightened of a setback and anxious as all hell, she sat up and reached for the envelope, holding it tight against her chest. “Please, Caleb . . . Please help me to let go. Please give me the strength to move forward without you, to love again, to take chances. Please help me . . .”

  Breaking the seal on the envelope, her hands trembled, and she was moved by the fact that he’d once touched the paper she now held in her hands. Through a sea of tears, she began to read . . .

  My darling Hannah,

  If you’re reading this letter, then the worst possible thing has happened, and I have to admit I was wrong about something. You know how I hate to be wrong.

  Hannah laughed through her tears at the true statement. Caleb Guthrie had never been wrong about anything. Ever.

  When I came here, I honestly believed it would be only a matter of time before I was back with you, where I belong. It never occurred to me that anything would actually happen to me, so I fear I have failed to adequately prepare you for the worst thing. I’m sorry for that, my love. One of my friends asked me if I’d written to my wife, just in case, and when I told him I hadn’t, he encouraged me to do it. To not do it, he said, would be terribly unfair to you. Since he made a good point, here I am trying to write a letter that you’ll only see if I’m dead. Kind of weird, to say the least!

  After all these damnable deployments, one thing is very clear to me: Nothing is right in my world unless you’re sleeping next to me. I have this sneaking suspicion you feel the same about me. So it pains me greatly to imagine a time when I will have broken the amazing bond we shared and forced you to move forward without me. I’m sorry for that, too.

  On many a day, I wish I’d chosen Door Number 2 and gone the hockey route so I wouldn’t have to be away from you for such long periods of time. It’s so much harder than I ever thought it would be to spend even one day without hearing your voice, touching your soft skin or having your gorgeous brown eyes look at me with everything from true love to utter vexation. I yearn for you, Hannah, almost every second of every day. I long to make love with you. I dream about you and how it feels to lose myself in you.

  Hannah took a pause to mop up her tears and to absorb the shock of realizing he’d had regrets about joining the army, that he’d ached for her the exact same way she’d ached for him—and continued to ache for him to this day.

  So much of our life has been focused on my goals—when I was playing hockey and since I’ve been in the army. It wasn’t lost on me that sometimes your goals got overlooked in the shuffle as you supported me with your special brand of unwavering strength.

  Now it’s your turn, and I want you to do one more very big thing for me. I want you to love again. I want you to share that wonderful, amazing, generous heart with someone else. Being the arrogant jackass that I am, I also want you to always remember the incredible life we had together. But I’d never want those memories to imprison you. So I’m setting you free. I’m begging you to go have the magical life you deserve, full of love and happiness and joy. Please don’t let my death steal those things from you. That would be the ultimate tragedy.

  Keep in mind that I’m alive and well as I write these words, so the idea of you with another guy makes me want to commit murder. But the thought of you spending the rest of your life alone while you mourn for me would be so much worse. Please don’t do that . . .

  I also don’t want you to be saddled with that big old house if you don’t want it anymore. If my parents and Gavin aren’t interested, do whatever you want with it. Sell it if that is best for you. I would totally understand if it’s too much for you to manage on your own. And if you wouldn’t mind, take particularly good care of Homie for me for as long as he’s got left. Other than you, he was my very best friend, and I know you’ll love him enough for both of us.

  In case you had any doubt whatsoever, YOU are the love of my life. And you were right—as always. We should’ve talked about this shit at some point. I’m sorry I had to leave you, Hannah, but I’ll never be far from you. I love you always, and I’ll see you again someday.

  Caleb

  PS: Please don’t be mad at my mom for holding on to this until she felt it was time for you to have it. I told her to wait as long as it took, years if necessary, and to only give it to you when it seemed you were ready. I hoped by then you might be more able to do what I’ve asked of you. Love you so much, babe. More than you’ll ever possibly know.

  Hannah wiped the flood of tears from her face and clutched the letter to her chest, careful not to let tears smear precious ink. He’d given her exactly what she needed along with the uniquely Caleb humor and arrogance she’d missed so much.

  Reading the letter was like spending time with him again, and if she’d come upon it years ago, the “sound of his voice” in the letter would’ve been too painful to bear. One of the things people had said to her repeatedly in the weeks after he died was that time would heal her broken heart. Back then, she’d thought that was the stupidest thing she’d ever heard. How could time make losing her young husband better? And what if she didn’t want her heart to heal?

  But those seemingly insensitive people had b
een exactly right. Time had dulled the ache and softened the initial blow. Against all odds, her heart had healed. It might never be entirely whole again, but it was no longer shattered beyond all repair. The time she’d spent with Nolan had shown her she was capable of loving again, but it had taken years to get there.

  While she’d long ago accepted that the grief would always be with her, it wasn’t the only emotion she was capable of feeling anymore. She’d come to understand that allowing in other, more productive emotions wasn’t a betrayal of Caleb or the life they’d had together. It was about survival. It was about life marching forward when you thought it couldn’t possibly go on without the one person you’d loved the most.

  After reading the letter again, slowly this time to fully absorb every word, she cried for all they had lost, for the life they wouldn’t get to share, for the children they’d never get to have, for the days, weeks, months and years that Caleb had been robbed of, for the glorious winter days he should’ve been skiing on Butler Mountain, for the crisp autumn nights he would’ve spent by the fire pit with his beloved Sultans, for the bright summer sunsets he’d never see again, for all the spring awakenings to come without him and for the sweet, precious time they should’ve had together.

  She cried until no tears were left, until her eyes ached and the pillow under her was soaked. And at some point during the firestorm, she finally said good-bye to Caleb in a way she hadn’t before. His words had accomplished what he’d hoped they would. She would love and miss him forever, but he’d set her free to make room in her heart for a new love.

  Hannah returned the pages to the envelope and tucked it into the bag she’d packed for the weekend, intending to share the letter with Nolan because she knew it would mean everything to him to have Caleb’s blessing of their relationship. Then she went into the bathroom to dry her eyes and wash her face.

  Nolan would be here soon, and she was excited about their time away together, even more so now that she knew for certain she was doing exactly what Caleb had wanted her to do.

  He had indeed given her a precious gift with that letter, and she would treasure it always.

  CHAPTER 17

  On the day our country was attacked, all I can think about is how different the world is now from a few short months ago when we were making life decisions. Having a husband in the army is a much scarier proposition now, especially since he’s an infantry officer. Part of me wishes I could rewind the clock and convince him to choose hockey. But if I know Caleb, he would’ve dropped his stick and skates on the ice and run for the nearest recruiter after 9/11.

  —From the diary of Hannah Abbott Guthrie, age twenty-two

  Leaving the garage in Skeeter’s unreliable hands for the next two and a half days, Nolan went home at noon to change and pack a bag before he picked up Hannah. Normally, he’d be stressing out about leaving the garage for even a day, let alone more than two days, but he had other things on his mind besides whether Skeeter could actually run his business into the ground in that short amount of time. Left to his own devices, Skeeter was capable of just about anything, but Nolan decided to have faith.

  He had much better things to think about as he searched through piles of clean clothes he’d never gotten around to putting away for something decent to wear, settling on a red plaid flannel shirt and yet another pair of faded jeans. What if she expected him to wear something nicer?

  That thought sent him rummaging through his closet, where he found a dress shirt and a pair of black jeans he’d forgotten about. Hopefully, that would be good enough if they went out to dinner or something. He had to see about getting some better clothes. A classy woman like Hannah wouldn’t want to be with a guy whose entire wardrobe was made up of denim and flannel.

  Jeez, will you listen to yourself? She doesn’t care what you’re wearing. She’s not like that, so quit thinking that way. He dropped his shaving kit and a box of condoms into the bag and then wondered if maybe that was being too presumptuous.

  Nolan sat on the edge of his bed, hoping to calm his rampaging nerves. After what happened last night, it wasn’t presumptuous to include condoms when they’d made plans to be alone together. Still, he couldn’t ignore a lingering sense of intruding where he didn’t belong. Even after all this time and everything he’d shared with her, in many ways, Hannah was still Caleb’s girl and thus off limits to him.

  He knew it was ridiculous to think such things, especially when she’d been practically naked in his arms last night, but he couldn’t help it. The troubling thoughts weren’t going to keep him from her, but they nagged at him just the same.

  By the time he arrived at her house twenty minutes later, he had almost talked himself out of this entire thing. He was crazy to think that a low-key under-the-radar guy like him could ever make a woman happy after she’d been loved by over-the-top, outrageously obnoxious and incredibly brilliant Caleb Guthrie. Who was he trying to fool by thinking he’d ever be enough for her?

  She came to the door looking beautiful as she always did—so beautiful she took his breath away. He took a closer look and what he saw slammed him like a fist to the gut.

  “You’ve been crying.”

  She didn’t deny it. Rather she stepped aside to welcome him into the house.

  He stepped into the front hall. “Listen, Hannah, we don’t have to do this—”

  She silenced him with two fingers to his mouth and humbled him when she removed her fingers and replaced them with her lips. Her arms curled around his neck as he sank into the sweet heaven of her kiss.

  He held her close, so close he felt her tremble when she withdrew from the kiss and rested her forehead on his shoulder.

  “What’s wrong, honey?” Surrounded by her alluring scent and the soft silk of her hair, Nolan desperately wanted to know what had upset her.

  “I’ll tell you about it while we’re away, but for now, could we just do this for another minute?”

  Relieved that she still wanted to go away with him, he said, “For as long as you want.”

  They stood wrapped up in each other in her front hall for a long time. Nolan had no idea how long it was before her trembling subsided and she raised her head off his shoulder to meet his gaze.

  “Thank you.”

  “You don’t have to thank me for holding you, Hannah. It’s become my favorite thing to do.”

  “I’m thanking you for much more than that.” She flattened her hands on his chest as she looked up at him. “I’m thanking you for your patience while you waited for me to be ready for this. I’m thanking you for years of friendship with me and with Caleb. I’m thanking you for being willing to navigate the treacherous waters that come with being the first relationship after . . . Well, you’ve been amazing, and I appreciate everything. I wanted you to know that.”

  Because he couldn’t resist touching her, he framed her face with his hands. “You’re the amazing one, Hannah. You amaze all of us with your good humor and your unwavering grace. Please don’t thank me for feeling like the luckiest guy in the world because I get to hold your hand whenever I want to.”

  He leaned his forehead against hers, more in love with her than he’d ever imagined possible. In that moment, it didn’t matter that he was no match for Caleb Guthrie. It only mattered that he was apparently a perfect match for her. She was the other half of him. He’d long suspected that to be the case. Now he was certain.

  “Are you sure you still want to go?” he asked after a long period of contented quiet.

  “I very much want to go.”

  “Let’s get to it then.” He held her coat for her, picked up her bag and ushered her out the door, stopping to make sure the house was locked before he followed her down the side walk.

  “Where should we go?” she asked when they were in the truck. Her hands folded and unfolded in her lap, which was the only indication of nerves he could detect in her.

  “I did a little looking around online last night, and I found the perfect place.”
/>   “Where is it?”

  “Up north a bit, half an hour or so from here in Lower Waterford.”

  “Oh I’ve heard about a great B and B up there called the Candlewick Inn, and I’ve wanted to check it out to get some tips for the retreat.”

  “That’s where we’re going.”

  “Great,” she said with a warm smile for him that filled him with the confidence he’d lacked earlier. “I can’t wait to see it.” She reached across the seat for his hand. “Thank you for this, too. It’s exactly what I needed right now.”

  “I hope you’ll always tell me what you need so I can try to get it for you.”

  “My needs are usually pretty simple.”

  “I still can’t wait to hear about every one of them.”

  She bit her lip and gave him a sultry look that fired him up, and they weren’t even out of Butler yet.

  “Does your family know where you’re going?”

  “My mother does. I told her to tell Hunter so he doesn’t send out the search-and-rescue team, but they won’t tell anyone else.”

  “Not even your dad?”

  “Well, my mom might tell him.”

  “Which means everyone else will know, too,” Nolan said with a low laugh.

  “Does that bother you?”

  “Hell no. I don’t care. I’ve been around you Abbotts long enough by now to know how things work. I just hope . . .” He didn’t know how to say it without sounding like an insecure nitwit.

  “What do you hope?”

  “A couple of things, actually. For one, I hope no one in your life thinks I felt this way about you when Caleb was alive.”

  “God, Nolan,” she said softly. “No one would ever think such a thing.”

  “Sure they would. People can be mean and spiteful and say awful things that hurt innocent people like you. I’d never want to be the cause of that kind of pain for you. I knew you long before he did. What’s to stop someone from saying I was jealous of him and happy to have him out of the picture?”