Matters of the Heart

by Danielle Steel

  “What are we celebrating?” She smiled at him. She was slightly tipsy, but not drunk. But she needed the wine to get over the afternoon, and as she finished the champagne in the flute he had handed her, he took the glass from her hand and set it down. He had emptied his glass too. And then as always happened when they bathed together, he began to make overtures that neither of them could resist. It happened before they knew it, and without thinking about it. He made love to her in the bathtub, and then they lay on the bathroom floor on the carpet and finished it. It was hot and passionate and desperate, with all the agony and turmoil she had felt that afternoon. All she knew as she lay there was how badly she wanted him, and he wanted her just as much. They couldn’t get enough of each other, it was hard and furious and quick, and after he came, he lay on top of her, and then gently got up and lifted her in his arms like a doll and laid her on his bed. He dried her gently with a towel, and tucked her into bed. She smiled at him with the slightly glazed eyes of someone who has had too much to drink. But there was love and tenderness there too, not just wine.

  “I love you more than anything on earth,” he whispered to her.

  “I love you too, Finn,” she said, as she drifted off to sleep and he held her close.

  He was still holding her when they woke up in the morning, and Hope squinted at him. “I think I got drunk last night,” she said, slightly embarrassed. She remembered what had happened in the bathtub and after, and how great it had been. It always was with him. And then suddenly, with a jolt, she was wide awake. She remembered what the doctor had said about coming back that afternoon. She had been ovulating, and they had used no protection. She lay back against the pillow with a groan and then looked at Finn. “You did that on purpose, didn’t you?” She was angry at him, but it was her fault too, and she was furious with herself. How stupid was that? But maybe nothing would happen. At her age, getting pregnant could take a year or two, not one moment of passion on a bathroom floor, like a kid.

  “What?” Finn asked her innocently.

  “You know exactly what I mean,” she tried to sound cold, but couldn’t pull it off. She loved him too much, and suddenly she wondered if she had wanted it too, but didn’t want to take responsibility for the decision, so she got drunk and let him do it. She wasn’t innocent either. She was a grown woman and knew better. She felt totally confused. “I was ovulating yesterday. She told us both that. She even offered to do artificial insemination if we wanted her to.”

  “What we did was much more fun. And this way it’s in God’s hands, not hers or ours. Probably nothing will come of it,” he said benignly, and she hoped that would be true. She sat up against the pillows and looked at Finn.

  “What if I do get pregnant, Finn? What would we really do? Are we ready for that yet? At our age? That’s a hell of a commitment, at any age. Are we ready to take that on?”

  “I would be the happiest man on earth,” he said proudly. “What about you?”

  “I’d be scared shitless. Of the dangers, the implications, the pressure on us, the genetic risks at our age. And of …” She couldn’t say the rest, but she was terrified of losing another child she loved. She couldn’t go through it again.

  “We’ll deal with it if it happens, I promise,” he said, kissing her, and holding her as though she were a piece of spun glass. “How soon will we know?”

  “These days? I think in about two weeks. I haven’t been pregnant in years. It’s pretty simple to find out now, with a drugstore pregnancy kit.” She thought about it for a minute. “I’ll be back in New York by then. I’ll let you know.” At the thought of it, her blood ran cold, and a tiny little piece of her wanted it to happen, because she loved him, but her powers of reason didn’t, only her heart. It just didn’t make sense. She was totally confused.

  “Maybe you shouldn’t go back,” he said, looking worried. “It might not be good to fly so soon.”

  “I have to. I have three important shoots.”

  “If you’re pregnant, that’s more important.” She felt suddenly insane. They were acting as though she were pregnant and they had planned this baby. But only one of them had. Finn. And she had let him do it.

  “Let’s not go crazy yet. At my age, it’s about as likely as getting hit by a comet. You heard what she said. If we ever decide to do it, we’d probably need help.”

  “Or maybe not. She wasn’t sure. I think it had to do with your FSH.”

  “Let’s hope it’s high or low, or whatever it’s supposed not to be.” She got out of bed then and felt as though she’d been hit by a bus. Between the emotions of the day before, and the hangover she had from the wine and champagne, she felt like she’d spent two weeks riding broncos in a rodeo. “I feel like shit,” she said as she headed for the bathroom, and he smiled adoringly at her.

  “Maybe you’re pregnant,” he said, looking hopeful.

  “Oh, shut up,” she said, and slammed the bathroom door.

  Neither of them said anything about it on the flight back to Ireland or for the next few days. She went back to waxing and polishing the wood paneling at his house, and he kept telling her to take it easy, which annoyed her more. She didn’t want to think about it. She’d had a great time with him in Paris, but she was upset about what had happened in London, both the doctor’s visit, and their escapade on the bathroom floor. And the day before she was leaving, the doctor called.

  “Great news!” she announced. “Your FSH is as low as a twenty-year-old’s and your estrogen level is terrific.”

  “What does that mean?” Hope asked, as her stomach turned over. She had a feeling she wasn’t going to like what she was about to be told.

  “It means that you should have an easy time getting pregnant on your own.” She thanked the doctor and hung up and said nothing to Finn. He was hopeful enough as it was. And if she had told him there was a serious chance she might have gotten pregnant, he wouldn’t let her go back to New York. He didn’t want her to go. He was already complaining about being lonely, and wanted to know how soon she would return. She had explained that she had work to do, and had to be in New York for three weeks. As always, it was like leaving a four-year-old.

  They spent a peaceful last night together, and made love twice before she left. He looked mournful as they drove to the airport, and she realized that he had major abandonment issues. He couldn’t stand seeing her leave, and he was already depressed.

  He kissed her goodbye at the airport, and made her promise to call him the moment she arrived. She smiled as she kissed him. It was sweet really, even if it was a little silly at their age, to be so upset about being apart for a few weeks. He was going to finish his book, and she was going to work on his house again when she got back. She reminded him to call the restorers to see when the pieces would be finished, and he handed her a small gift-wrapped box before she left. She was touched by the surprise.

  “Open it on the plane,” he told her, kissed her one last time, and waved as she headed to the gate.

  She followed his instructions and unwrapped it just as the plane took off toward New York. And then she laughed. She held it in her hand and shook her head with a rueful expression. It was a home pregnancy test. And it would be negative, she hoped. But she knew she had to wait another week before she found out. She put the box away and put it out of her mind as best she could.

  Chapter 10

  Hope was busy almost every waking moment in New York. She did a fashion layout for Vogue, had a portrait sitting with the governor, and helped curate a gallery show of her work. She had lunch with Mark Webber, and told him about her romance with Finn. He was stunned, and warned her again that he was a wild man with women. He had a major reputation for it in New York, which she already knew. But she was sure that he was being faithful to her. He hardly let her out of his sight. She mentioned that to Mark, that Finn constantly talked about their “fusion” as a couple, and was jealous of other men. Even her lunch with her agent bothered him. They were the only two things about
him that worried her. She’d never been with a jealous man. And he was very possessive of her. She still needed time on her own. Working in New York was doing her good. It revitalized her, and made her excited about seeing him again. She didn’t want to feel smothered by being chained to him, which was what he would have liked. Having a few weeks of her own life brought her perspective and independence again, which was important to her. He seemed to be extremely threatened by everyone she saw. And every time he called her, he wanted to know how soon she was coming back. Like a mother speaking to a child, she kept reminding him that she would be gone for two more weeks.

  “Watch out for jealous guys,” Mark warned her. “Sometimes they come unhinged. I had a jealous girlfriend once. She came after me with a knife, when I broke up with her and took another girl to senior prom. Ever since then jealousy scares the shit out of me.” Hope laughed at the image.

  “I think Finn is pretty sane. But he’s very needy in some ways. He hates being left. I’m going back in two weeks.” She had already been in New York for a week, and Finn was complaining about her absence every day. He sounded miserable and depressed every time they spoke.

  “Do you think this is serious with him?” Mark asked, with a look of concern.

  “Yes, I do,” she said quietly. Very serious. But she didn’t want Mark to worry about her, or her work. “I can commute from Dublin, whenever I have work here,” she reassured him. “Or fly places from there. It’s not that far away. He lives in a remarkable house. It’s more like a castle, although it needs to be restored.”

  Mark was still astounded at what she had told him, but he was happy for her. “Have you told Paul?”

  “It’s too soon,” she said, looking thoughtful. She planned to eventually, but not for a while. She had no idea how he’d react, or if he would be sad. She had spoken to him the day before. He was at Harvard for treatment, and he hadn’t sounded well at all, but he assured her he was doing fine. It saddened her, and she worried about him a great deal. He was sounding ever more frail.

  Hope did some errands after she left Mark, and then she went home. She knew exactly what day it was, and so did Finn. He had already asked her twice. This was The Day. It was the first day the test would show if she was pregnant or not. She drew a long breath, and walked into the bathroom with the test he had given her. She was sure it was going to be fine, but it scared her anyway. She followed the directions to the letter, set it on the counter afterward, and walked away. The test took five full minutes, and it seemed like an eternity to her. She went to stare out the window, and then walked back to the bathroom, dreading what she would find, and telling herself that she wasn’t pregnant. It seemed too stupid to be worrying about this at her age. She hadn’t had a scare like this in years. Not since she was in her late twenties, and hadn’t wanted to be pregnant then either. Paul had only wanted one child, and Mimi was enough for her. As it turned out, she hadn’t been pregnant, and was surprised to find that she was more disappointed than relieved. And it had never happened again. They were always careful, and not as abandoned and passionate as she and Finn. She and Paul had made a careful, conscious joint decision to have Mimi and it didn’t happen on a bathroom floor.

  She walked back to her bathroom counter as though she were approaching a snake. The test directions had been very clear as to how to read the test. One line you’re not pregnant, two you are. Anyone could have figured it out. From the distance, she saw one line, and heaved a sigh of relief. She approached and picked it up just to be sure, and was prepared to let out a scream of delight over the negative result, and then she saw it. The second line. Two lines, although the second one was fainter than the first, which the instructions had said still meant a positive result. Shit.

  She stared at it in horror, set it down, and picked it up again. Still two lines. Her urine had done whatever it was supposed to under the white plastic holder. Two lines. She held it up to the light, and then just stood staring at it in shocked disbelief. Two lines. She was forty-four years old, and she was pregnant. She sat down on the edge of the tub shaking, with the test still in her hand, and then she threw it away. She thought about using the second one, but she knew she’d get the same result. She had been ignoring it, but her breasts had been sore for the last two days. She told herself that it meant she was getting her period. But she wasn’t. And now she had to tell Finn. He had won. He had gotten her drunk and tricked her and she had let him, and she wondered if somewhere deep within, she wanted this baby too. She loved him, but not even three months after she had met him, she was pregnant with his child. And in some hidden, distant part of her, she wanted it too. She felt panicked and confused. She needed time to absorb the idea, and decide how she felt about it.

  She walked into the living room, sat staring into space, and a few minutes later, he called her. She felt guilty doing it, but she didn’t want to tell him yet. She already knew what his reaction would be. The one she wasn’t sure of yet was her own. It was ten o’clock at night in Ireland, and she knew he was working on his book. He said he had been waiting to call her all day, and wanted to know if she’d done the test. Feeling like a traitor to him, she lied and said she hadn’t, as tears came to her eyes. Part of her wanted his baby, and another part of her didn’t. She was scared. This was much too real. Somewhere inside her, a new life had begun.

  “Why haven’t you done it yet?” He sounded hurt, and she couldn’t think of a good excuse.

  “I can’t remember where I put the test. I put it away when I got here, and now I can’t find it. I think my cleaner moved it.”

  “Then buy another one, for chrissake,” he said, sounding insistent and anxious. It made her feel cornered again. She was feeling trapped and betrayed by her own body as much as him, and her own whirling emotions. “Come on,” Finn said in a pleading tone. “Go out and get another test. I want to know. Darling, don’t you?” But she did know, and wished she didn’t. She promised him she’d pick up another test that afternoon, and call him when she did. He suggested they wait on the phone together for the results, and she was glad she hadn’t done that. He called again two hours later, and she didn’t answer the phone. She knew she couldn’t hide from him forever, but she needed at least a few hours to compose herself, and figure out what she felt. For now, it was mostly fear with an undercurrent of something else that she couldn’t put her finger on yet, and wondered if it was hope.

  He called her at midnight again, which was five in the morning for him. He said he’d been up all night, working on the book, and worrying about her.

  “Where were you? I was worried sick.”

  “I had to go out and get some film,” she said, stalling him for a minute. Their lives were about to change dramatically. They would be bound to each other forever by this child. She loved him, but this was an enormous commitment, both to the baby, and to him.

  “Did you get the test?” He was starting to sound annoyed, and her voice was small when she answered.

  “Yes.”

  “And?”

  She held her breath for a long moment and let it out. She couldn’t avoid it anymore. “It was positive. I just did it,” she lied again. He would have been furious if he knew she had known for hours and didn’t call him. “I did it five minutes ago, but I didn’t want to wake you up.” Her face was sad and her stomach was in a knot, but she tried to sound normal, even happy.

  “Oh my God!” He shouted at the other end. “Oh my God! We’re having a baby!!” In spite of herself, she smiled at his obviously unbounded joy. “I love you so much,” he quickly added, and sounded like he was crying. He was so sweet about it that he slowly pulled her out of her terror, and into the deep waters of his excitement with him. She wondered if maybe it would be okay after all. She hoped it would. She saw Mimi’s photographs as she spoke to him, and prayed she would approve. And Hope suddenly panicked again. What if this one died too? She couldn’t live through it.

  “When will it be?” Finn asked excitedly.

&nb
sp; “I think around Thanksgiving. I want to have it over here,” she said firmly, trying to make her peace with it as she said it. Suddenly it was becoming real to her. They were having a baby, and she had decisions to make about it. A new life was growing inside her. A tiny person whose father was Finn, a man she loved but scarcely knew.

  “Wherever you want. I love you, Hope. For God’s sake, take care of yourself. How soon can you come home?” She didn’t want to tell him she was home. Now home was with him. And that meant Blaxton House to him.

  “I’ll be back in two weeks,” she said softly, feeling her love for him, and his for her, begin to calm her. She had been in a panic since she did the test that afternoon.

  “Should you see a doctor?”

  “Eventually. Let me get used to the idea first. I just found out five minutes ago. This is a big step, Finn. A very, very big step.”

  “You’re not sorry, are you?” he asked, sounding worried, and a little hurt.

  “I don’t know what I feel yet. Scared, impressed, kind of stunned. Happy.” She closed her eyes as she said it and was surprised to realize she meant it. She was happy. She wanted his baby. She just hadn’t wanted it this soon. She had wanted to be sure first. And now it was a done deal. He got his wish.

  “Hurry up and come home,” he said in a choked voice. “I love you both.”

  “Me too,” she said, and they hung up. She was in shock. It was hard to believe she was pregnant, but maybe it was meant to be. Destiny had intervened. She loved him, and this was a huge commitment. She knew they would marry at some point, and would have anyway, although probably sooner now. She would have to tell Paul, and she was sure he would be shocked too. But her life was with Finn now. They had a lot to talk about. A lot to plan. A lot to do. Their life together had begun in earnest, in a very serious way. She tried to sleep that night and couldn’t. So much was running through her mind, about him and the baby. All her fears and hopes running together. She felt totally overwhelmed.