by Trudy Stiles
“You need to calm down. I can explain.”
“Explain? How the hell can you possibly explain that Noelle Durand is alive and breathing, and I find out about it from a fucking magazine!”
She could blow this shit up so bad. Noelle’s privacy and well-being could be in danger.
“It’s a long, complicated story,” I state. “I promise you, we’ll fill you in when we can. But for now, you need to keep quiet.”
“You have got to be kidding me,” she says. “Keep quiet? Are you fucking serious?”
“Haley, there are things going on that won’t make any sense until she can tell you everything. You’re just going to have to trust me on this. Please.”
She huffs into the phone. “I don’t know, Heath. I’m so fucking hurt right now. Everything that you and I had was obviously a joke to you. I was a side piece while you were hiding Noelle all along. Is that what happened? You’re going to pay for stringing me along for so long. The both of you are.”
“Haley–”
She hangs up, and my line goes dead.
“Fuck!” I yell into the empty room.
I quickly dial Stuart as the bedroom door opens up, Noelle quietly walking back into the room, her head hanging.
“Heath, my man,” he answers, practically singing into the phone. “Glad you got my message earlier today. I wanted to check to see when you’re getting home. We have a couple of talk shows lined up for you guys and Howard Stern’s people called. He wants you to play in his studio next month.”
“Yeah, yeah. All of that sounds great. But we have a big problem,” I say, ignoring the appearances he’s lined up.
“Is everything okay?” he asks, concerned.
“No. Haley knows about Noelle and she’s livid, acting crazy. She saw a picture of us in a tabloid, and she’s lost her mind.”
“Shit,” he mutters.
“Yeah. I need you to call her. Calm her down. Buy her off. Do whatever you have to do, but she can’t run her mouth to anyone.”
“You think she would?” he asks.
“As sure as I’m standing here.” Haley is a woman scorned right now. Add a bit of crazy to the mix and we have a time bomb about to detonate.
“I’ll call her right away. Don’t worry, she won’t talk. I know her type all too well–flash a few zeroes in front of her and she’ll forget you and Noelle ever existed.”
“I hope you’re right.”
“I’ll text you tomorrow.” Stuart hangs up and I’m left staring at Noelle, her head hanging low.
“I don’t think I want to know anything,” she says, sinking into the couch. She’s changed into a tank top and yoga pants, her hair pulled up into a mess on top of her head.
I close my eyes and inhale deeply.
“I thought you said you weren’t involved with anyone?” Her eyes glisten, and I can tell she’s about to lose it.
“I told you the truth, I’m not.”
“Do I even want to know why Haley is calling you in the middle of the night?”
This situation sucks so fucking bad. I don’t know what’s the right thing to tell her. Do I tell her I’ve been fucking Haley on and off for almost three years? That Haley fell in love with me and I ditched her just days before Noelle resurfaced?
Fuck.
“I’m not sure any of it’s going to make you feel good,” I admit.
She starts crying, and I’m helpless.
“I don’t know what I expected. I mean, I’ve been gone for twelve years. In all of that time, of course you’ve been with other people. Of course you’ve fallen in love.” Tears stream down her face, and I approach the couch, needing to be near her–to comfort her.
“I’ve never been in love with anyone else,” I state firmly. “That is something you have to believe.”
She looks up at me, eyes wide.
“Haley and I–we got complicated. And pretty recently. That’s why she’s upset.”
“Complicated? God, I’m going to be sick.”
“Please try to understand, my reasons for being with her were purely physical. I thought it was the same for her. But it wasn’t. It isn’t. The other day, she told me she was in love with me. I didn’t handle it well and left her feeling pretty shitty.”
I’m saying too much. Telling Noelle things she shouldn’t have to hear. Her face sinks further as if I’m ripping all of her dreams away from her.
“How long?” she asks, her voice shaking.
“Too long,” I admit. “Almost three years.”
“I wish I knew this. I wouldn’t have asked you to come with me.” Her tone is full of regret.
“I told you I wasn’t involved with anyone. That’s what you asked me the other night. I didn’t lie.”
I’m frustrated by this entire situation. Angry she’s looking for an explanation of my actions while I thought she was dead.
“This isn’t fair, Noelle. I realize you’re upset. You’re hurt. And your reactions and feelings are very real. I get it. But it’s not fair for you to judge me for anything I’ve done since you ‘died.’” I use air quotes to emphasize my point.
“I’m not blaming or judging you!” she yells back. “I just realize I should have made this trip alone. It was obviously wrong for me to include you. To ask you to help me–when you have bigger things to worry about.”
“Jesus, Noelle. Haven’t you heard anything I’ve said? I. Want. To. Be. Here!”
I storm over to the couch and pull her to her feet. I’ve never been forceful with her–ever. I’ve always been afraid of hurting her or exacerbating the bruises she constantly had all over her body, defense wounds from the abuse she suffered. But I need to get through to her, so I wrap my hands around her upper arms, holding her in place in front of me.
“What are you doing?” she asks, wiggling in my grip.
“Listen to me. Haley is certifiable. I made a huge mistake ever being with her. She’s an ugly, vicious, person and I’m afraid of what she’s going to do to exact her revenge on me. On us.” I breathe deeply, trying to calm myself. I loosen my grips a little bit but don’t let go of her.
“I wish to God I never got involved with her. It was selfish of me. It was easy. There were no strings attached. It’s been on-and-off for three years–a few hook-ups here and there. The last time I even saw her was almost a year ago. Until I came home from this last tour. She lost it when I didn’t share her feelings–and now she’s really upset. Really angry.”
She closes her eyes for a long time, her body relaxing in my grip. “I’m sorry, Heath. I don’t know what to say.”
“Say you aren’t going to run out that door. Tell me that you want to continue this trip–with me. Say that you still love me.”
Her eyes pop open, and she pulls away from me.
“How could you ask me that?” she asks, surprised.
“Easy. You walked back into my life like you walked out of a dream. I’ve never loved anyone else, Noelle. Ever. Because I never stopped loving you.”
Tears spill from her eyes again.
“There isn’t even a question,” she whispers, covering her mouth.
“What?” My heart races in my chest.
“I never stopped loving you either, Heath. How could I?”
I pull her against me, exhaling with relief.
“But–”
“That’s all we need to say right now,” I interrupt her. “Let’s move forward from here. Clean slate.”
She shakes her head against my chest, wrapping her arms tightly around me. “It’s not that easy,” she admits.
“We need to try,” I beg her.
Her cries are muffled against my chest as I whisper into the top of her head.
“Our second chance is a gift.”
Noelle
Present
HEATH LEFT THE HOTEL room about an hour ago while I was in the shower. We spent the night wrapped in each other’s arms, afraid to let go. He kept telling me how much he loved me, and all I could do was
lie there, riddled with guilt.
Yesterday was–intense. So many emotions ripped through me.
Exhilaration.
Bliss.
Happiness.
Lust.
Love.
Hurt.
Fear.
Within the course of a few hours, I was questioning even coming back at all. I should have let my old life be, and traveled on this journey to say goodbye to my parents alone. I should have stayed ‘dead.’ It wasn’t fair for me to involve Heath. He had moved on, made mistakes, but he was living his life. And he was able to move on, something I should have respected. I shouldn’t have come back and disrupted things. I feel terrible, guilt overcoming me. He’d be so much better off if I weren’t in the picture at all.
When Haley called last night, old jealousy and insecurities resurfaced. When we were younger, she always seemed to be waiting in the wings, almost hoping something would tear Heath and I apart. I realize he isn’t committed to her, and actually seems disgusted by her, but I can’t help but think she’s going to continue to try to insert herself into our lives. I’m afraid she’ll try to derail the real reason why I’m back–to lay my father to rest.
I feel sick to my stomach, angry with myself, angry with the situation I was forced into twelve years ago.
I finish getting dressed and shove my clothes into my suitcase. I’m going to get the hell out of here before I make his life any more of a mess than I already have.
I pick up the phone and call the concierge. “Hello, how can I help you?” he asks.
“I need a rental car. Can you help me with that?”
“Of course! Where are you going and for how long do you need it?” I do a quick calculation in my head and realize I’ll need the car for about ten days if I’m going to make the trip back to Pennsylvania to pick up my car from Heath’s house before heading home to Chappy.
“Ten days. But I’ll need to return the car someplace near Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Is that okay?”
“Yes. Give me about fifteen minutes, and the car will be here. Do you want me to call you when it gets here?”
“No, I’ll just come down.”
“Sounds good. See you soon.”
I finish gathering my things and look around the room.
What am I even doing?
My suitcase is packed, and I place my backpack on top if it as I roll it out the door behind me. Tears threaten to spill as guilt consumes me. I’m running away again and this time I’m the one in control. Heath is never going to forgive me for leaving him again, but I have no choice. He doesn’t deserve this heartache and confusion. I’m too much of a mess, and I’ve caused more problems resurfacing. He has his own life. His own purpose. I’m just a burden, a problem from the past that he feels compelled to fix. To help. And I can’t keep putting him in that position.
The elevator doors close, and I begin to descend–away from the only person that still loves me.
THE GPS GUIDES ME onto the highway and has calculated that I should arrive in Albuquerque in about nine or ten hours. That’s the longest stretch I’ve gone so far on this trip, but I’m determined to make it there sometime today, even if it means driving late into the night. My phone starts ringing about ten minutes into my drive, and I know it’s Heath. I send him to voicemail twice, but he keeps calling. Finally, I answer.
“Heath, don’t make this any harder than it already is,” I beg him as I answer the phone.
“Pull over, Noelle.” His voice is calm and even. He doesn’t sound angry, but he also doesn’t sound emotional.
“What?”
“Pull the fuck over. Now.” How does he know where I am?
I look into my rearview mirror and see his charcoal gray SUV right behind me, practically touching my bumper.
“What the hell?” I yell.
There’s a rest area just ahead and I veer off onto the ramp and pull into the first open parking spot I see. He parks next to me and jumps out.
I throw open my door, ready to get into it with him. Ready to defend my actions.
He cages me in, his arms on either side of me. “This is not happening,” he states. “You’re not leaving me again. Not. Happening.”
His eyes pierce mine, and I cringe beneath his gaze. “Heath, it’s better this way. I–”
“No. It’s not better. You leaving is not the answer. Fuck, Noelle.” He steps back a little and runs his hand through his hair.
“You don’t understand.” I shake my head and try to gather my thoughts. “As much as you don’t want to hear this, I didn’t come back for you. I came back to say goodbye to my father.” That didn’t come out right. A pained look paints his face, and I reach out for his hand. He yanks it out of my grip.
“This is all so confusing. I should never have involved you, I’m sorry,” I say, sitting back in my car, legs hanging out the side.
“Listen to me. You were gone for twelve fucking years. You were dead! Shit happened when you were gone. A lot of shit. Then you come back here, and I realize how much I still love you. For twelve years! I never let you go, despite living my life. Despite making mistakes and causing a shit-storm to bubble up. I own that. Not you.”
He’s breathing heavily, trying to maintain his composure while I remain speechless.
“You came back to me for a reason. We’re on this trip together for a reason. Don’t you dare freak out on me and take off, leaving me stranded, wondering if I’m ever going to see you again. That decision is mine now, not yours. Do you get it?”
I’ve never seen him like this. He’s fuming and forceful. A little scary.
But he’s right.
“I’m sorry,” I apologize again, this time with more truth behind my words.
“Are you?” He folds his arms over his chest. “Are you really?”
I nod my head, and he begins to relax a little.
“I can’t lose you again. I just can’t.” His words are firm. His demeanor is desperate. If I say anything other than what he wants to hear, I’m certain he’ll tie me up and throw me in the back of his truck.
“We’re in this together, so get in my car.”
I look around, “Now?”
“Yes,” he demands.
“What am I supposed to do with this car? I rented it.” I toss my hands in the air, trying to accentuate my point.
He opens the passenger side of the car and the concierge who handed me the keys just fifteen minutes ago steps out.
“Ma’am,” he says, tilting his head. “I’m here to take the car back to the hotel for you. You won’t be charged at all. It’s our pleasure to help you both out here.”
Heath has already opened the trunk to the rental and removed my luggage. My backpack is on the front seat and I grab it, throwing it over my shoulder.
“Thanks. I’m really sorry for your trouble.” I step out of the car and place the keys into the concierge’s hand. I look back to make sure I have everything and swipe my phone off the console.
Heath holds the passenger door open as I slide into the SUV. The concierge drives the rental car away as I fasten my seat belt.
We pull away in silence as Heath programs Albuquerque into his GPS.
We don’t speak for at least twenty minutes. I look out the window, trying to figure out what to say to fix this.
I take a deep breath and finally speak up.
“I thought I was doing what was best,” I admit, apologetically.
His tone is much calmer now. “Best for whom?”
“For both of us, I guess.” I’m not even believing the words coming out of my own mouth. What’s best for me is having him in my life. I’ve missed him for far too long, deprived from touching him, from him holding me.
“Bullshit. You got spooked and ran. You let Haley get to you. Hell, she fucking riled me up, she’s a crazy bitch. But don’t you dare lie to me and to yourself that you thought you were making the right decision. We belong together, no matter what. Got it?”
I ca
n’t help but smile as his anger resurfaces. I’m not used to seeing this side of him, and strangely, I like it.
“What are you laughing at?” he asks, attempting to scold me even more.
“You’re right. All of it is so right,” I break down into hysterics, making him wonder if I’ve completely lost my mind.
“Stop laughing!” he says, but I can tell I’m breaking through his tough exterior.
“I’m sorry. Really, I can’t believe I did any of that. And by the way, how the hell did you catch up to me so quickly?”
“I just got off the elevator on our floor when I saw the door close, taking you downstairs. I noticed you had your suitcase, which wasn’t a good sign. So I ran down the stairs and made it to the concierge as soon as you pulled away in the rental. It didn’t take much to persuade him to get in my car to follow you.” He smirks and grips the steering wheel tightly.
“Geez,” I say, shaking my head. “A girl can’t even stage a good getaway.”
We both start laughing at the ridiculousness that’s ensued over the past hour. From anger to laughter. Thank God he’s lightening up a bit.
And thank God I pulled over.
Everything he said is spot on. I should never have run. Thank God, this time he found me.
A SOFT TICKLE on my arm brings me out of my sleep. “Noelle,” the voice is next to my ear, warm breath relaxing me.
“Hmm?” I stretch my legs and realize I’m not wearing pants. I sit up, startled. “Where am I?”
“We’re in our room,” Heath whispers, and then it all comes back to me.
We drove so long yesterday, taking turns. He took the last leg at around ten o’clock at night, and I promptly fell asleep. He woke me up long enough to get into the hotel, and I immediately passed back out, fully clothed.
“How did I get undressed?” I ask, but I already know the answer.
“I just took off your pants, I didn’t remove anything else.”
Not that I’m modest, especially around him. He’s seen me with nothing on, but that was so long ago.
“Oh,” I say, rolling over onto my back. His hand that was once tickling my arm is now resting on my belly.
