The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  “Come in, please,” Olga greeted Ellie, who was laden down with bags. “I met a very nice policeman today. I tell you all about him.”

  Olga’s impressions of some of the Irish she met were very funny. She still couldn’t understand a lot of the accents, especially the strong Cork or Donegal ones and they’d had many a laugh at the mistakes she had made when dealing with the civil servants in the various government departments. Olga lived on social welfare, in a tiny one-bedroom council flat near the city center. She’d called at the door of Ellie’s last employer looking for baby clothes and Ellie fell in love with the newborn baby and, with the family’s permission, gave lots of stuff away. Olga returned regularly after that and most afternoons Ellie would bring her in and feed her up, always replacing the foodstuff herself. She was great to talk to, full of fun despite her circumstances, and Ellie found her fascinating because she’d taken so many risks in her life. She made Ellie feel like she should do something mad, just for the hell of it.

  To her amazement Olga had asked her to be godmother to her baby boy and an unlikely bond was forged. “You are my only friend in the world,” she told Ellie more than once, which made her feel guilty that she didn’t have more time to give to their friendship. It had been a pathetic christening, with just the three of them, and Ellie had taken her out for a slap-up lunch afterward.

  Olga had originally decided to give Dublin a try when she was six months pregnant. She had heard it would be a good place to bring up a baby.

  “I vant to find a big strong farmer who would not be mean to me like some of the Russian men,” she’d told Ellie that first day. She’d certainly had enough of Americans and someone had told her that Irish men were lovely. Maggie said she felt sorry for farmers the length of the country. It wasn’t that Olga was unattractive, but she had a funny way of pouting and frowning together that made her look like a cross between Cilla and Fiz from Coronation Street.

  “Face like a bag of hammers,” was Pam’s verdict the first time they’d been introduced. Pam summed up everyone she met immediately, and it usually wasn’t very complimentary. “And what unfortunate name did she give that doty little boy?” She could never remember.

  “Rudi.”

  Pam shook her head. “Sounds like a Labrador.” Next day, though, she put together a sack of old toys for him.

  Ellie had quickly become very fond of Olga and she adored Rudi. He had black hair and sallow skin and gobstopper blue eyes that startled everyone who met him. “At least he got his father’s looks.” Olga knew she was no oil painting. “Only thing he was giving away for free.” Her accent was Boris Yeltsin meets Graham Norton and Maggie had it off to a T.

  Ellie brought as much stuff as she could when she visited and was always buying treats for her godchild. Tonight it was some smellies for Olga and a new jumper for Rudi, who looked like he needed a cuddle. His eyes always seemed to follow Ellie everywhere and she longed to take him home with her for a while, although she knew that was impossible. She told herself that Olga did her best.

  The Russian woman had just cut up a loaf of fresh, crusty bread and Ellie was starving and couldn’t resist. It was so delicious she had a second slice, this time with jam as well as butter. Then Olga poured two vodkas, which surprised Ellie, who wondered how she could afford it.

  They chatted happily for an hour or so and Ellie asked to take Rudi out the following Saturday. He needed a bath and some new pajamas, although perhaps the whiff was more her. It was hard to tell after the milk incident earlier. Still the baby did seem a bit neglected. She had to be careful not to patronize Olga, so she mentioned it casually, suggesting it might give Olga a much-needed break. She readily agreed and Ellie made some mushy Liga with warm milk for the child while Olga was glued to one of the soaps. He ate every scrap and still looked hungry, so she cut him a thick crust of bread to chew on.

  Six

  “So, how’s it going?”

  “Fine, fine.” Ellie was a bad liar. “You?”

  “Great, yeah. Fruit for breakfast, salad for lunch, drank two liters of water and had an hour’s walk just before I rang you.”

  “Oh.”

  “Ah fuck it, I can’t lie.” Maggie folded completely. “Actually, I did all of the above but then I felt so virtuous that I poured myself a glass of wine when I came in. I’m on my second and it’s staving off the hunger pains. Are you sure there’re calories in liquid?”

  “Certain.” Ellie was tired and suddenly not sure why she was bothering.

  “Bad day, huh?”

  “Irritating. A lot of the people who use that crèche have so much money that they feel it gives them the right to say anything they like to the rest of us. I had three rows with parents today and ate after each one. Then, I called to see Olga and she was drinking vodka and I had a large one and now I feel like chips.”

  “I didn’t know she drank.”

  “Neither did I.”

  “How can she afford it, I thought she hadn’t a bean?”

  “She hasn’t. Rudi seemed hungry too, which worried me a bit.”

  “Stop right there, girl. You can’t take everyone else’s problems on board. Your name is not St. Ellie de Paul.”

  “Anyway, forget it.” Ellie shook her head as if to clear her thoughts. “How are the other two doing, d’ya know?”

  “Pam’s not answering either at home or on the mobile, which makes me think she’s got something to hide, otherwise she’d be lording it all over us.” Maggie was laughing. “Toni’s had no temptation, says she can barely serve the food in the nursing home, never mind taste it. Yuck, I don’t know how she does that job, there’s always a smell in there and the food looks like sick.”

  “And it’s one of the better private homes, costs a fortune. Imagine what some people must have to put up with.”

  “Christ, I’m really glad I rang you. I feel like putting the bottle to my mouth and swallowing a few pills along with it.”

  “Sorry, I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Bad day. Olga’s situation depressed me a bit, even though she tries to hide it with wisecracks, and I agreed to go for an interview with a single mother on Thursday.”

  “You swore that would never happen again.”

  “I know. Still, I can’t write off all single mothers. She was just a head-wrecker.”

  “Mary Poppins wouldn’t have lasted a week in that job.”

  “You’re not wrong there. Anyway, I won’t take it but I’m getting out of where I am.”

  They chatted on and Ellie had a bath and went to bed, only barely resisting the biscuit barrel.

  * * *

  The texts were flying in Ellie’s direction over the next few days:

  R oven bakd chips OK?

  Is whipd crem liter coz of all the air?

  Donuts in Tesco today have huge hols so I bought us all

  one, can’t have many cals

  Mr. Munro says vodka only flaverd watr

  Pulld mussel in gym so have 2 eat to keep it warm

  uderwise will seize up

  Ellie kept grinning and sending back a “hell and damnation” message and she was in good form when she made her way to the hotel on Thursday afternoon for the dreaded interview. They had arranged to meet in a quiet corner of the foyer for an informal chat and Kate Huston had told her she had long blond hair and would be wearing a black suit. Ellie arrived early and was sitting waiting, a habit she’d always had because when she was anxious or stressed she had a slight limp, something she’d been born with. It wasn’t a bad one, hardly even a real limp, Pam had said reassuringly.

  “Does it qualify you for a handicapped car sticker?” Toni, who hated walking anywhere, inquired hopefully.

  Ellie rarely thought about it anymore, although she’d been mortified by it as a child, but some people made up their minds about her as soon as they noticed.

  She recognized Kate Huston immediately, she looked exactly like she sounded, calm and friendly.

  “Eleanora? Hello, I’m Kat
e.”

  Ellie stood immediately and shook the outstretched hand. “I hope I’m not late?”

  “No, I was early.”

  “Coffee?” She summoned a passing waitress.

  “Yes, please.” Ellie was starving again and feared for her sanity if she didn’t get a caffeine hit immediately.

  “Thanks for meeting me. I just wanted to have a preliminary chat with you because the agency sent me a pile of CVs and you were by far the most qualified.”

  Ellie decided to plow straight in. “Actually, Mrs. Huston I—”

  “Kate, please.”

  “Kate. I have a job at the moment and I’m really not sure what I’m going to be doing in the foreseeable future and—”

  “Let me explain,” Kate interrupted. “I’m in an unusual situation here. There are two small children who really need looking after and I’m afraid it’s all down to me to ensure they get the best care possible, although my husband says I should leave them to their own devices.”

  Wow, you just go right in there and tell me everything. Ellie couldn’t believe her ears. The husband, or ex as he was, sounded like a complete bastard. He could be done for neglect.

  “How old are they?” was the best she could come up with.

  “Six and four, here …” She pulled out the most adorable photo, they looked cuter than most of the puppies at Crufts. “They’re very good children. Samantha, the eldest, is at school and Jess goes to playschool in the mornings. But they need minding, you know, and I can’t manage much.”

  “You work long hours?” She looked like she was struggling, although not financially, and as usual Ellie wanted to help.

  “No. Actually I don’t work at all,” she half apologized.

  “Then … why don’t you mind them? I mean, sorry, it’s not for me to pry into your—”

  “Oh, no, please, ask me anything you like. It’s just that Jack’s a bit sensitive about them.”

  “Jack?”

  “My brother. He thinks he can cope, but I think they’re missing out and just between us, he can’t really manage, not the way I’d like.”

  “Mrs. Huston, Kate. Sorry, but you’ve lost me. If you don’t work, why do you need a childminder?”

  “For Jack.” She looked as confused as Ellie felt. “Your brother?” Kate nodded and sipped her coffee. “How old is he?”

  “Forty.” She looked puzzled. “Is that a consideration?”

  “No, of course not.” Get me out of here, Ellie pleaded silently.

  “He’s a nice man. You’d like him, honestly.” Kate was anxious.

  Two kids and a brother who was … mentally challenged by the sounds of it. Ellie didn’t think so. “Eh, what sort of handicap does he have, exactly?”

  “None that I know of.” They both stared, unsure, each wondering how the hell they could escape. “Although if you caught him doing his Joey impressions, you’d wonder …” Kate trailed off with a nervous laugh.

  “I’m sure he’s adorable.” Ellie didn’t know what else to say.

  “Well, he has his moments but I’m not sure ‘adorable’ is a word you’d ever associate with him …”

  Ellie didn’t want to hear anymore. “I just don’t think I’m qualified.”

  “Nonsense.” Kate was decidedly nervous now, but felt she should try once more. “Honestly, I think you’re just what they all need.” It wasn’t convincing. She sounded like she’d rather have that nanny from The Hand That Rocks the Cradle than let Ellie anywhere near them.

  “It’s just that I’ve never dealt with a person with … special needs.”

  She must be on drugs. Kate decided to humor her while frantically signaling for the bill. “No, the children are fine. They’re normal little girls, honestly, but perhaps we should both …”

  Jesus, she’s in denial. Ellie decided to be patient. “I’m not worried about the children, I’m talking about your brother.”

  “He’s fine too, perfectly normal.” Most of the time, she didn’t add—wasn’t taking any chances.

  “Then why does he need a nanny?”

  “He doesn’t.”

  “But you said …” Before Ellie could figure out exactly what to say Kate suddenly copped on and started laughing so hard you’d think she’d been drinking. Heavily.

  Ellie joined in, having no idea why. Bit by bit it all came out.

  “You advertised for a nanny for a single mother, so I thought …”

  “No, single parent. My brother, the, eh, mentally handicapped one.” Kate was off again. “Can we start over, please?”

  “Yeah, let’s. Christ, I need a drink. Will you join me in a glass of wine?”

  Ellie knew it was breaking a cardinal rule.

  “Please?”

  She glanced at her phone. It was five thirty-nine, no way was she going back to work now. “OK, then, but I don’t normally while I’m working, or being interviewed, you know.”

  “Christ, Eleanora, I think we’re way past the interview stage.”

  Kate signaled the waiter and they started again and chatted happily for the next hour. By the end of it Ellie had agreed to meet Jack with Kate the following afternoon.

  Seven

  Once again she was early but this time paranoia simply got the better of her—she knew she wouldn’t be able to banish the “mentally challenged” image until she saw him.

  “I just about managed to get him to stop sucking his thumb, but he might dribble a bit,” Kate said with a wink as the two women greeted each other in the same corner of the Westbury Hotel.

  “He’s on the phone, he’ll be here any second.” She sounded nervous suddenly. “I didn’t tell him about our little … misunderstanding. Thought it might be best to wait and see how you two get on first.”

  “Thank God for that. I’m perfectly capable of creating my own bad impressions without any help from you.” Ellie was scanning the arrivals. A small bald man with a shiny face and a suit to match was heading their way. Pam would have been able to sum him up in one word and Ellie decided it wouldn’t have been “dishy.” He looked kind of crawly, and she was so relieved when he greeted the statuesque blonde with the tits at the next table that she missed the man standing in front of her until Kate spoke and she jumped.

  “This is my brother Jack.”

  “Hi.” He held out his hand.

  “Sorry. Hi. Eh, hello.” He was not what she had expected. Tall, with gray eyes and hair that looked slightly disheveled, he reminded her of Liam Neeson. It was the slightly crooked smile that did it, she decided later.

  “Jack, this is Eleanora Simpson.” Kate looked nervous too. “I e-mailed Jack your CV so he’s had a chance to look at your qualifications.” She was sure this girl was right for the kids, but her brother might need a bit of convincing.

  Ellie thought he looked at her as one would a bunny boiler. Guarded was putting it mildly. But when he spoke he sounded resigned. “My sister thinks I need a nanny.” Both women nearly started laughing at that and somehow he knew the way this was headed.

  “Why don’t I leave you two to chat for a while? I’ve a couple of calls to make.” They had agreed to a plan. She would call him after ten minutes and see if he needed rescuing.

  “Actually, I probably do need a minder, but the kids are marginally ahead of me on that one and a great deal easier to manage, I suspect.” He smiled as he threw himself down amongst the cushions. “I’m afraid you’ll have to help me out here, I haven’t interviewed many nannies. And Kate has this idea that we’re right up there with the Osbournes as a family unit.” He ran his fingers through his hair, a gesture guaranteed to make Ellie like him. He looked kind of lost, and even though he was wearing an exquisitely cut jacket and trousers, he didn’t look comfortable.

  “Mr. Bryant, let me—”

  “Jack. Otherwise I’d have to call you Miss Simpson and the kids would run a mile. They’d think you were the same age as Madonna. She’s their current favorite wrinkly.” Ellie smiled and he liked the way
her eyes crinkled. It was a kind face. He was making a huge effort because of Kate, but he had to be honest with her. He threw off his jacket and pushed up the sleeves of his open-necked pale blue shirt.

  “I sort of got roped into this, as you’ve probably guessed by now. The fact is I don’t know what I need. I work from home but I haven’t been doing nearly enough of it recently and the kids do need a bit of sorting out—you know, clothes, bedrooms, etc. They also need to eat a bit more healthily. In fact, they need to eat anything that doesn’t come in a tin-foil container or isn’t coated in crispy batter. And the house is … in need of some attention, although I do have a lady who comes in for a couple of hours every morning.” He thought he’d better add that in case he frightened her off before he had decided if he wanted her in the first place.

  “Well, let me tell you about me. I’ve always worked with families, at least up until recently.” She explained all. “I normally devote most of my time to the children,” she finished up, “although I’m happy to do some housework and of course make sure they eat properly.” He sensed a but and she read his mind instantly, which unnerved him slightly.

  “I have, em, worked in a one-parent family only once before and, eh, I’m afraid it all ended rather badly.” What are you doing, idiot? she berated herself. He does not need to know how a helpless, single mother almost ended up feeling her thong tightening around her neck because you nearly lost it.

  “Bad, eh?”

  “We didn’t really work it out properly at the beginning and by the end I was working as hard as one of those women on that house-cleaning program.”

  “The marginally more attractive one with the glasses or the dyed blonde with the bun and the feather duster?” he asked deadpan.

  “Well, I was certainly as acerbic as the blonde but my rubber gloves did not have a fur trim.” Ellie grinned.