The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  Thirty-eight

  Ellie backed out of the room, straight into Toni and Maggie.

  “But what about G & T?” Maggie sounded puzzled. “Oh hi, Ellie, your boss has just become the latest geezer to be targeted in her quest for world domination.” She nodded in the direction of Toni, was about to say something else then shut up quickly. “Oh hi, Jack, we’re … eh … just looking for the loo.”

  “Two doors down.” He smiled at the three of them. “I’ve just been checking on the kids, the baby is OK, bemused but fine. I think it must be the noise levels or else he’s been sniffing the nail polish.” He smiled at Ellie and headed back downstairs.

  The girls chatted for a few minutes about a couple of tasty guys they’d spotted and Ellie was relaxed as she headed back to the kitchen and Kate.

  When they returned to the main room the party was in full swing. Toni was being chatted up by a Richard Madeley lookalike and Jack was deep in conversation with Jordan’s twin sister. Kate’s daughter Sarah had noticed. She swept past Ellie and Kate, flicked her hair and glared in Jack’s direction. “That’s gross,” she said to her mother.

  “It’s called flirting, darling. I’ll give you another two years.” Kate slapped her daughter playfully. “God I feel old.” She sipped her drink and smiled at Ellie. “Five years ago I’d have been right in the middle of this lot.”

  “I wouldn’t.” Ellie hated to admit it. “I’ve never been much good at parties. They scare me.”

  “I know what you mean.”

  Jack and Pam had just arrived at the makeshift bar together when Bill swooped. “Jack, introduce me to this beautiful creature immediately.” He smiled at Pam, liking her voluptuousness, or as Toni called it, the Barbara Windsor school of sex appeal.

  “I’m Pamela.” She grinned at him.

  “And how did I get so lucky that you came to my party?”

  “I’m Ellie’s friend.”

  “Ellie who?” He hadn’t a clue who half of them were tonight.

  “Nora.” Jack filled him in.

  “Ah yes, I knew I’d heard it before. That girl has more names than a royal.”

  Jack grinned and turned to Pam. “The girls call Ellie Nora, I’m sure you heard. It’s sort of stuck.”

  “Nora is not cool, trust me. Try Ellie, it’ll grow on you.”

  He shook his head. “I like Nora.”

  “I like her too.” Bill’s eyes were slightly glazed.

  “Yes, well, whatever.” Pam glanced in the direction of her friends. “Poor Ellie, she’s had a really rough time.”

  “I know.” Jack was thoughtful. “I don’t want to lose her, you know. Maybe you’d talk to her?”

  “What about?”

  “She’s thinking of not coming back to work.” Jack hoped he hadn’t said too much.

  “She never mentioned that to us.” Pam was worried. Toni joined them and Pam quickly filled her in. She was horrified.

  “Look, I think she needs this job more than ever. She’ll go mad stuck at home all day with a baby.” What Toni really meant was that she’d go mad if it were her. “Don’t worry, we’ll work it out. She’s just in a bit of a muddle at the moment.”

  “I hope you’re right.” Jack was preoccupied. Bill meanwhile had totally lost the plot. He was looking around from one to the other, still trying to figure out who they all were.

  Toni had had enough of babies and jobs, she’d just spent ten minutes listening to a potentially hot guy talk about his three-year-old twins and earlier she’d been cornered by a tight-faced woman who wanted to know all about nursing homes. Boring didn’t even begin to cover it.

  “So, what are your resolutions this year?” She smiled up at Jack, and Pam took the hint and made herself scarce. Someone shouted “thirty seconds to midnight” and they all gathered in a circle. Jack held Toni’s hand on one side and Kate’s on the other. Ellie was wedged between Pam and a rather attractive guy called Dave.

  Suddenly it was “ten, nine, eight …” and they were all caught up in the usual flurry of hugs and kisses. Ellie got a real smacker on the lips from Dave and when she looked up Jack and Toni were hugging. Poppers exploded and crackers burst and the children all ran downstairs to join in. Sarah was clutching Rudi, who was wearing his usual “I’ve just been bitten” look.

  “Dad, I want a kiss too.” Jess was tugging at Jack’s leg.

  “Oh, you do, do you?” He picked her up and swung her round. “Well, here’s one and here’s another and here’s another.” He was kissing her all over her face and spinning himself in a circle. She squealed until he stopped.

  “Happy New Year, darling.” He finally let her down and turned to Sam. “Come ’ere, my other baby.” He grabbed her in a bear hug and kissed her head. “Or are you too big to kiss your daddy, eh?” Ellie held Rudi close and stroked him and said a quick prayer to Olga to watch over them all.

  “Happy New Year, you two.” Bill appeared and grabbed Ellie, followed by Kate, then Maggie and Toni joined them for a group hug. It was bedlam.

  “Happy New Year, Nora.” Jack stood beside her. He reached out and kissed the top of her head, as if she too were a child. He then wrapped his arms around her and Rudi and held them both close. “We’re going to have a great New Year, I can feel it,” he murmured, then bent down to Rudi. “Hey, buster, gimme five.” He held up his palm. To everyone’s amazement the little boy responded, tentatively smacking Jack on the hand.

  “My God, that’s the first time he’s shown any sign of recognition.” Ellie was delighted. “You may have just worked a miracle.” She beamed at Jack.

  “See? I told you you can’t live without me.” He stuck out his tongue and tugged at her hair. “So come back to work.” He made a stupid face and left her.

  Next day they had their last official celebration and it didn’t come a moment too soon for any of them.

  “I’m completely shattered,” Pam announced as she carried a tray of lasagne and a bowl of salad to the table where the other three were waiting. It was four thirty in the afternoon, already dark and they weren’t long up. They’d all stayed overnight at Pam’s and one of the great things about Rudi was that if he woke up he simply sat there and amused himself, waiting for anyone to come and get him. Ellie had woken early to find him staring at her. She fed and changed him and took him into bed beside her. When she woke later he was sitting up, playing with the quilt cover.

  Now he was drinking juice greedily from a beaker on the floor beside them. Ellie handed him a soft piece of bread and he nearly bit her finger off in his efforts to eat it.

  “To the end of being blobby.” Pam raised a glass in their general direction.

  “I’ll drink to that.” Toni looked at them all. “Now, I propose we get the WWW Club up and running again tomorrow evening. I’ve a few new ideas.”

  “Well, this time it can be the Weary, Wrinkly, Wobbly Club. I have never felt so out of shape in my life.” Maggie sighed.

  “God, why is it all so difficult?”

  “Listen, at least you’ve a fella to want to look good for. What about the rest of us?”

  “Speak for yourself, I’ve had a few offers over Christmas.” Toni was grinning.

  “Yeah, but it doesn’t count if they’re in nappies or not toilet trained anymore.” They all laughed, even Toni, who knew they were taking the piss.

  “Well, don’t forget, first to half a stone gets three dates anyway. I’m feeling pretty confident.”

  “So, back to work tomorrow.” Maggie decided she’d better broach the subject. “How about you, El, what have you decided?”

  “I’m going to give it a try—bringing Rudi with me, that is. If that doesn’t work then I’ll see if I can afford to put him into playschool.”

  “Isn’t there some sort of grant or something available?” Toni couldn’t imagine being in Ellie’s position. It was intolerable.

  “Yes, at the moment I’m his foster mother, so I will be entitled to a monthly payment to help with his
expenses, but if I decide to adopt him then …”

  “And are you thinking that way?” Maggie was dying to know what was really in her mind, she’d been so uptight since Christmas.

  “Maybe.”

  “Well, think very carefully.” Pam felt she had to say it and Maggie could see Ellie bristle.

  “Taking it one step at a time is good.” Toni had also sensed what was happening. “Let’s see what the next few days bring. I think Jack’s idea was an excellent one.” She was so full of “Jack said this” and “as I was telling Jack” that only Ellie, it seemed, was oblivious to the fact that she had designs on him.

  “Now, should we meet in Ellie’s apartment tomorrow night at, say, seven? Straight from work?” She smiled at the other three, but their nods were less than enthusiastic.

  Thirty-nine

  The first day back wasn’t as bad as Ellie had imagined. The girls were thrilled to see her for one thing and Jack greeted her in his bare feet with wet hair and a mouthful of toast.

  “Welcome back. I’m in trouble with my American editor. Will you be OK?”

  “I think I preferred your ‘can’t live without you’ routine.” Ellie was determined to keep things light between them, until she sorted out her feelings.

  “Ah, yes, I only use that when I’m desperate.” He got down on all fours to where Rudi was, sitting in the travel cot that Ellie had quickly assembled. “Hey, buster, you OK?” He ruffled the baby’s hair. “Gimme five.” But it appeared Rudi didn’t like mornings much. He stared straight ahead. “Jess,” Jack shouted, “give the baby some of your toys to play with. I think he’s making strange. Poor guy, don’t worry, it’ll be great.” He got to his feet.

  “For someone who said they didn’t like babies much you pay him a lot of attention.”

  “Who said that?”

  “Bill told me you used to hate having Sarah and Georgia over when they were small. You said all they did was puke and poo.”

  “Ah, that’s different. They were monsters.” He grinned to let her know he was joking. “Rudi’s a dote, he sort of reminds me of myself.”

  “In what way exactly?”

  “Now that is way too deep for this hour. Sure you’re OK? You won’t do a runner?”

  “No.”

  “Good. Bye, girls, have a good day.” He kissed them and disappeared and Ellie didn’t see him again until she said good night, feeling totally pooped. Minding three was definitely harder, even if Rudi was no trouble. It was mostly having to remember he was there. That and carrying him around all the time.

  The girls arrived bang on time. For Ellie, this meeting was right up there with mumps on her list of must-haves.

  “How did you get on with the baby?” Maggie wanted to know as soon as she’d taken off her coat.

  “Fine. It’s just all a bit strange. Having to think of someone else when you get up in the morning. Trying to get yourself and him ready. I’m bloody well allergic to mornings anyway. I’d rather hear shotgun fire than an alarm clock. My body goes into spasm.”

  “Tell me about it. You should see my two in action in the mornings.” Pam was all smiles. “They give new meaning to the term driven. Still,” she beamed, “I can’t wait to have them back later in the week. The house is so quiet.”

  “How was Rudi at work?” Toni wanted to know.

  “Hardly knew he was around except that he’s worse than my sister’s dog when food comes out. He crawls up to wherever I am. I nearly stood on him twice. And I think I have arthritis from carrying him around on my hip.” She rubbed her lower back. “He seems to have reverted to being a baby.”

  “He is a baby.” Toni smiled at her.

  “I know, but I mean a baby baby. Sucks his thumb, doesn’t make any sounds like he used to. The social workers think it’s the trauma he’s been through. They say we have to be patient.”

  “Poor kid. Where’s he now?” Maggie asked.

  “Just gone to bed. He was exhausted. He wouldn’t settle for a nap, just sat in the play pen most of the day watching me. Then the girls played with him for hours. Jess was trying to squeeze him into her toy airplane at one stage. She dressed him up as one of the Incredibles—made the costume from a few tea towels and a pair of tights.”

  “I used to wear tights on my head, tied up with a ribbon so that it looked like I had a ponytail,” Maggie remembered.

  “Didn’t you look sort of bald at the front?” Ellie was trying to picture the knicker part on Maggie’s head. She wondered how you’d hide the gusset.

  “Nope, I arranged my fringe so that it covered the elastic. I put tennis balls in the feet to give it weight. Only problem was that when I pranced around I gave my brothers quite a few bruises. Every time I swung around the balls got one of them.”

  “I’m very glad we were more civilized.” Toni pretended not to be impressed, but the truth was she’d have loved brothers to give bruises to. “Now, back to the delicate subject of our weight.”

  “There’s nothing delicate about any of us,” Pam said cheerfully. “I feel like a sumo wrestler.”

  “Yes, well, speaking of grown-ups in nappies, I’d like to see you all in your underwear this week for the weigh-in.” She ignored the guffaws.

  “You’ve more chance of seeing Johnny Depp in his boxers than me in my knickers,” Pam told her.

  “Don’t be a spoilsport, it’ll be fun, you’ll learn something. Anyway, it’s all part of another plan. Now, Maggie, you first.” She decided to tread the path of least resistance.

  “Yeah, great idea.” Ellie was trying not to laugh. “Get your kit off, Maggie.”

  “I will not.”

  “Oh come on, it’s only us,” Toni tried to cajole Maggie. “I promise you it’ll be worth it. Anyway, I have a nice surprise for us afterward if you all cooperate. Now,” she strolled over to Maggie and simply lifted her sweater over her head and said, “Arms up, good girl,” as if she was talking to dotty old Miss Trundle in the home. Maggie’s jumper was draped over the chair before she could say “bugger.”

  “Next, jeans.” While Maggie was clutching her middle Toni had whisked away her pull-on suede boots, stood her upright and had her jeans around her ankles in a jiffy. Pam’s jaw was touching her shoulder blades at this stage.

  “Get off. I’m not one of your old dears.” But Maggie was wasting her time.

  “It’s what Toni does all day, dresses and undresses people. Face it, Mags, you’re losing the battle.” Ellie was half enjoying it.

  “OK, you can leave your socks on.” Toni laughed at her friend’s reaction. This was no help. There was only one thing worse than standing in your underwear with goose pimples and off-white knickers without a shred of lycra left in them—and that was doing it while wearing black pop socks against white, emeryboard legs that were an ad for Vaseline Intensive Care lotion.

  “OK, now the reason for doing this is simple. I want to talk about shape. It’s vital to how we lose weight.” She reached into her Gucci bag and produced a copy of her latest bible Pears, Doughnuts and Lollipops—Are you turning into the food you crave? The front cover showed a horrendously round woman. Her top half made Jordan look anorexic. The inspiring quote coming out of a bubble next to her mouth was, “I used to be an egg, now I’m an egg timer.” The caption urged the reader to turn to page 63 for the “reveal.”

  “Let’s see, Maggie here is a sort of banana shape.” Nobody was even going to begin to think what that meant. Not to worry, Toni was going to save them the bother. “That means she’s sort of straight down then she curves at her bottom.” She coughed. “Outward.”

  “Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do?”

  “Well, yes, thank you, Pam.” The sarcasm was dripping like runny honey. “Except that Maggie curves rather more than she should. A bit like a boomerang.” Her smile said she thought she was being kind. “That’s good. Honestly, Maggie, trust me,” she added quickly, seeing Maggie’s lower lip jut out. “Please don’t be upset. It simply means you ne
ed to concentrate on your lower half, raising your bottom, tucking in your tummy, that sort of thing. Don’t worry, you’ve practically no work to do.” She was looking at Maggie’s waist but decided not to mention it, otherwise the others would never do it. “Now, I’ll go next.” She untied her very flattering wraparound print dress to reveal a gloriously sexy one piece.

  “Bitch, you’re not even wearing tights.” Pam slapped Toni on her butt and nearly broke her wrist. It was like concrete.

  “And get those six-inch high heels off,” Ellie ordered.

  “OK, OK, take it easy.” Toni slipped out of the shoes. “Now, me, I’m sort of egg shaped.”

  “Easter egg.” Ellie laughed.

  “Don’t be nasty, Ellie, you’re next.” Her smile was as cruel as the Minister for Finance on Budget Day. “I could do with a bit off my waist.” Her one piece was obviously Lycra mixed with cement, Maggie thought, because she was held in everywhere. “I also need to work on my bingo wings.” She’d heard that expression from one of the ladies in the Tuesday-afternoon games club and thought it was disgusting. But she decided she’d better keep them on side, otherwise she’d be lynched. She held up her arms for inspection. “Remember, no one over forty should ever wave good-bye.” She tried it and Ellie could see what she meant.

  Pam was having none of it. “Go away out of that, I’ve seen more fat on a turkey’s neck.”