The WWW Club

by Anita Notaro

  An hour later the children were washed and ready for bed, after milk and biscuits and a final round of showing teeth. Jack carried Rudi up the stairs on his shoulders and the girls climbed into bed without a struggle.

  “Go kiss your offspring,” Ellie said when she found him talking to the baby, who was gazing, mesmerized, at him.

  “I already have, twice. C’mon, Mrs.” He put his arm around her. “Feet up, cold beer on the way. Fire is lighting and I’ll be back in twenty with food and a movie. Sound good?”

  “Sounds like heaven.”

  “God, you’re a cheap date.”

  “Always have been.”

  Fifteen minutes into the movie, the phone rang. Ellie had been half watching and half daydreaming. The fire was blazing, empty food containers were strewn about, along with a couple of bottles of beer, and they were tucked up on the couch. At least Ellie had been curled up like a baby when Jack dropped in beside her and stretched out, feet up on the coffee table. He groaned now at the interruption.

  “Bet it’s Kate, she’s always checking up on me. Here, you answer, give her something to think about.”

  “Hello.”

  “I hope you’re looking after him for me.” She recognized the voice instantly.

  “Toni, hi.” She looked at Jack and he winked.

  “You’re working late.” Toni sounded pleased she was there.

  “Yep, we only just got back and the kids were bushed.”

  They chatted for a couple of minutes and then Toni asked to speak to Jack.

  “Hi there.”

  “Jack, hi. Sorry to disturb you. I just wanted to say thanks for dinner last night. I had a lovely time.” Toni sounded breathless.

  “My pleasure. It was fun. How was your day?”

  “Great, busy. I’m just off out now for a drink,” she lied.

  “Shame, I was going to invite you round for breakfast in the morning. I made Nora perfect pancakes this morning. I suppose you’ll be too tired if you’re up half the night gallivanting?”

  “Not at all, I’d love to come.”

  “Well, it would break the ice with the kids.” His way of thinking was not lost on Ellie, or Toni for that matter. “I could introduce you as Nora’s friend. Do you know where we live?”

  She did, but she said no and he gave her directions.

  “See you about ten, so. Nora is under lock and key in the morning. The girls woke her at seven today.”

  “Yuk.”

  “My sentiments exactly.” He hung up, still smiling.

  “Hope that’s OK with you?”

  “Of course. I won’t be hanging around for long, anyway. I’ve a lot to do at home and it’s almost Monday again.” She sounded deflated.

  “I don’t want to see you on Monday.” She protested but he insisted. “You’ve worked all day today and last night as well, which I’ll pay you for, by the way.” He slapped her arm when she tried to disagree. “I’d have had to pay a sitter anyway. I’ll be fine and we’ll see you Tuesday at lunchtime, OK?”

  “I can’t it’s—”

  “You can and you will. And I’ve moved the cot into my room. You’re sleeping in, that’s an order.”

  An hour later she was yawning and fidgeting—Toni’s call had sort of broken the spell. “I’m off to bed,” she announced as she stretched and tried to loosen her shoulders.

  “But it’s the best part.”

  “Tell me what happens. Good night.”

  “Women.” He paused the DVD and smiled up at her. “Thanks for today, it was fun.”

  “I had a great time.”

  “You OK?” he asked her.

  “Yes, fine, just tired.”

  “Sleep well.”

  “You too.” She felt sore with tiredness as she climbed the stairs.

  Next morning, to her astonishment, she slept till almost ten. The baby, she thought immediately, and then remembered where she was. She dragged herself out of bed and into the shower, then pulled on the same jeans as yesterday. Luckily, she’d brought an extra T-shirt and a pretty, pale gray cardigan in case Rudi puked all over her. She caught her hair back and left her face bare. She couldn’t face make-up until she’d had something to drink.

  Toni arrived almost as soon as she’d poured coffee. The kids were playing chasing and Jack was fixing breakfast for a football team if the mess was anything to go by. He went to answer the door. When he returned he was clutching flowers and a bag of croissants and Toni was almost clutching him.

  “Hello,” she said, holding out her hand to the girls. She kissed Rudi and hugged Ellie.

  “Did you drive?” Jack was gazing at her like a man who hasn’t yet had sex but knows he’s going to.

  “No. Taxi. I wasn’t sure where I was going and didn’t want to get you up too early.” There was as much energy between them as there was in an average t’ai chi class.

  God she looks great, Ellie thought. Toni’s hair and make-up were immaculate although her outfit was more Hawaii than Howth.

  The girls were fascinated by “Nora’s best friend” and kept bringing things to show her, in between games of chasing. She handled it well, Ellie thought, and was delighted when she picked up Rudi and kept him on her knee for ages.

  Toni and Jack were showing all the signs of new lust—lots of eye contact and silly one-liners and laughing at stupid jokes. Ellie watched it with interest, secretly hoping to pick up a few tips and then eventually she couldn’t take it anymore.

  “Well, I’m off, got a lot to do.” She began to gather up her stuff.

  “I’ll come with you.” Toni was up in a flash.

  “No, honestly, it’s OK I—”

  “I was going to call in to you anyway, later. We haven’t had a proper chat in ages.” She gave Ellie the look, the one that said “I need to know everything about him so please don’t argue or I’ll force feed you yams for a month.”

  “OK, fine.”

  Ten minutes later they were in her car with Jack and Rashers waving them off and the girls continuing their chasing game in the shrubbery.

  “Thanks for breakfast, those pancakes were bad for my waistline,” Toni said through the open car window.

  “Thanks for the flowers. That’s a first for me.”

  “Well, at your age there can’t be many firsts left.”

  “Ouch.”

  “Bye.” She waved at him like she was three years old.

  Oh, go on, ride each other senseless and let the rest of us stop vomiting. Ellie kept a smile pasted on her face.

  “Bye bye, Ellie. Remember, Tuesday lunchtime.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “Positive. Take care. Bye, buster.” Jack reached in to touch Rudi’s hair.

  “Speak soon.” Toni couldn’t help herself.

  “Sure.”

  They drove off at last. “Oh my God, I want to know everything about him. Start when he was born and take it slowly.”

  “I don’t know—”

  “I think I’m seriously in lust.” Toni beamed.

  And I think I’m in love, Ellie finally admitted to herself. She immediately wondered what Pam and Maggie would think. Not that she had any intention of telling them, really, but God she could do with talking to someone. This was all much harder, seeing him with someone else. She sighed heavily.

  “You OK?” Toni wanted to know.

  “Yeah, just a bit tired.”

  “Tell me the truth, would you say he’s into me?”

  “Truthfully?” Ellie looked at her friend. “I would, yes.”

  Forty-four

  Toni would have still been there the next morning, Ellie decided, if Rudi’s dirty nappies and the sight of reconstituted Liga, which he then tried to eat, had not driven her into the arms of the nearest taxi driver two hours later.

  Ellie flopped in the comfiest armchair and opened the button on her jeans. The phone rang.

  “Rudi, tell them I’ve gone to Tibet with a monk,” she begged the little boy. He smiled, it
self a minor miracle. She wondered if one day he’d be big and strong and able to protect her.

  “Hello.” Her voice sounded weary.

  “Hi, how’s it going? Haven’t talked to you in ages.”

  “Oh, Maggie, how are you?”

  “Fine. Can I call around? I bought a gorgeous Aran sweater for the baby in Kilkenny Design today.”

  “Only if you promise not to mention the name of my employer—even in a throwaway comment—or I’ll throw you away somewhere and it will hurt, I promise.”

  “Toni?”

  “Two hours.”

  “I take it the date was a success?”

  “Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan have nothing on them.”

  “Which movie?”

  “Take your pick. Although she’s shaping up for a classic—a modern-day Romeo and Juliet, I’d say.”

  “That was a tragedy, darling.”

  “So is this. It’s tragic listening to her.” Ellie laughed to hide the pain. If she didn’t keep it light she knew she’d bawl.

  “Oh dear, that means she’ll be in great form tomorrow night at the meeting.” Maggie sounded happy for Toni. “Sure, what would we do without her? Life would be very dull.”

  There was no arguing with that.

  “Anyway, put the kettle on. I’m on the way.”

  “I’ve no food in the house.”

  “There are a few Madeira cakes here. Pam bought me six which all have to be eaten by yesterday. Hardly a calorie though. And only a small bit of mold on one end.”

  “That’ll do.”

  After half an hour they were laughing and it didn’t seem as bad anymore. Or maybe it just seemed even more surreal talking about it like this. Ellie felt tense and she was trying hard to relax. “So, how’s Doug?”

  “Oh, you know, fine.”

  “But?”

  “No but.”

  “I sense a but.”

  “I dunno, maybe all this domesticity is getting to me a bit.”

  “How d’ya mean?”

  “He’s quite … eh … sensible, y’know?”

  “Yeees.” She was treading carefully.

  “Also, he says the silliest things and thinks he’s being outrageous.”

  “Example, please?”

  “Last night he went all giggly on me and then announced, “Oops, sorry, I’m afraid I’ve done a bum yodel.’”

  “What’s that?”

  “An SBD.”

  “Hmmm?” Ellie was puzzled.

  “Silent but deadly.”

  Ellie burst out laughing. “Mags, that’s Samantha-speak.” She shook her head. “God, but it’s juvenile.”

  “Actually, there are loads of those and they were very cute at first …”

  “No, trust me, they were never cute. You were just going through your “ooh, you play snooker, I’ve always wanted to learn” phase.”

  “You think?”

  “I know. It happens to us all. You never hear a man saying “I’d love to learn how to knit,” though. Anyway, how are things on the money front?”

  “Great … well better. Oh, I dunno. He thinks we should open a joint savings account.”

  “For what, exactly?”

  “A rainy day.”

  “Tell him that’s why credit cards were invented.”

  “I do like him, Ellie. Really.”

  “Well, don’t let him take over, Mags. You know how you are, a bit over the top in wanting everyone to like you. I hear you’ve joined a baking group with his mother.”

  “But she’s lonely.”

  “She’s also in her seventies and you can’t tell sultanas from bird droppings.”

  “Point taken.”

  “So, what are you going to do?”

  “Nothing. I’m just a period-head at the moment, don’t mind me.”

  “Well, take it slowly and don’t get swallowed up.”

  Later that evening Pam phoned. “I’ve just had Lady Antonia on the phone. Your boss is in for one hell of a ride, literally I mean.”

  “You too?”

  “Yeah, she’s very funny.”

  “Let’s change the subject, please.” Ellie had laughed with Maggie until her jaws ached. She couldn’t keep on pretending.

  “What’s up?”

  “Nothing. What do you mean?”

  “Something’s wrong, I know you.”

  “No, I’m fine. Just the usual.”

  “I’m sensing something more, so you might as well tell me. You always do in the end.”

  Ellie said nothing.

  “Come on, out with it.”

  “Honestly, it’s—”

  “El, either you tell me or I come round.”

  “It’s just that … I … sort of fancy him myself.”

  “Who?”

  “Eh … Jack.”

  “Jack?”

  “Yes,” Ellie croaked. “Jack Jack?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Oh God.”

  “I know.”

  “I knew it. At least I didn’t but … I said to Maggie that I didn’t like the idea of Jack and Toni. I just sort of had a feeling that you and he might sort of … get it together eventually.”

  Ellie yawned. “Anyway, Pam, I’m just too tired to talk about it right now. But don’t worry, it’ll pass. And don’t mention it either. I don’t want to spoil Toni’s moment.”

  “Want me to come round and not talk about it?”

  “No, thanks for the offer, but I’m fine, I promise. Nothing broken,” she lied. “Now, tell me how you are.”

  Pam knew when to stop. “I’m great, I’ve been reading self-help books in an effort to deal rationally with my ex-husband and his psycho girlfriend.”

  “That’s not like you.”

  “What, to read books?”

  “No, to be rational.”

  “Yes, well, there’s this really nice man who comes into the store. Always changing dog food and scouring pads. He can’t seem to make a decision on his shopping, yet he keeps talking to me about books. I’d say he’s a bit of a disaster really. He’s a scheduler at RTE Television.”

  “That explains the TV this Christmas, so.”

  “He’s big into these self-help books, see.”

  “Sounds like he needs them. So, is there a vibe?”

  “Sort of. Ah, he’s probably married. Although he does keep returning a lot of ready meals for one.”

  “He’s giving you the hint.”

  “Well, he’d better go in there with a sledgehammer, so. You know me for subtlety. Oops, gotta go. There’s a strange noise coming from the bedroom and Paul’s been in there for ages. Sounds like he might be drilling the wall.”

  “Not good, he’s ten, you’ll be arrested for letting him have a weapon.”

  “I know. Sure you’re OK?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Don’t worry about it.”

  “I won’t.”

  “And ring me if you need to chat. Promise?”

  “I promise.” Ellie hung up and sighed.

  The Monday meeting was put off till Tuesday because Jack and Toni were circling each other like dogs in heat, apparently—Maggie’s description—and Toni was exhausted from all the phone sex. Ellie was relieved. She and Rudi went to the park and then she shopped and tidied the apartment and he followed her around, on all fours mostly, and tried to help. He was uttering the odd unrecognizable syllable every now and then and she was chatting to him as if he were Einstein. By Tuesday lunchtime she felt rejuvenated.

  “Nora, what type of thing does Toni like to eat?” Jack greeted her with, as she staggered in with three kids and a truckload of shopping after the school run.

  “Girls, upstairs and change.” She shooed them away and put Rudi into the playpen.

  “Em, what did you have in mind?”

  “No idea, it’s just a joke. She sent me a box of shortbread biscuits by courier this morning. They’re all shaped like penises. They’re called not-so-short bread. Isn’t she gas?”


  “Hilarious. Well, they’ve got some giant-sized marshmallowy things with cherries in them in Tesco. They’re called Wibblywobbly Wandas. They might do.”

  “Brilliant, could you pick me up a pack tomorrow?”

  “Jack, that’s a joke. I think you need to go to Ann Summers for the sort of thing you want.”

  “I like girls who are out there, you know, not afraid to give it back to you.”

  “The only thing Toni gives back is the bill,” Ellie mumbled to herself in an uncharitable moment as she started tea for the kids. “So,” she tried to keep it light, “when are you two meeting again?” She needed to torture herself.

  “We’re going to see a movie tomorrow evening. Don’t suppose you’re free to sit with the girls?”

  “No, sorry, I’ve a date.”

  “What? Who?”

  “Oh, just a guy I met at a party over the Christmas. Don’t say anything, I haven’t told the girls.”

  “Eh, great, yeah, sure. So, tell me about him.”

  “No, it’s bad luck.”

  “Oh, I see, OK.” He went off scratching his head.

  Shit, Ellie thought, now I’m going to have to keep it going.

  That night the club assembled promptly at eight at Maggie’s place. Ellie needed a break from her flat and her mum had agreed to babysit. There was no weight loss but no one had gained anything either. They were hoping for a bit of a ticking off and then a pizza.

  “Not good enough, we are bone lazy, all of us,” Toni announced. “It’s just as well I had another plan up my sleeve. I saw this January slump coming.”

  “What’s the latest, then?” Pam glanced at the others. “I can’t wait for the next adventure.” She smiled, her tongue so far in her cheek it was threatening to permanently deform her.

  “We’re going on TV.”

  Forty-five

  If Toni had said “we’re having a foursome, don’t forget your double-ended dildo,” her words could not have achieved anymore of the desired effect.

  Maggie turned purple, Ellie squirmed like a maggot and Pam said it for all of them, in her usual eloquent terms.