Our Seas of Fear and Love

by Richard Shain Cohen

  “Stuck in Maine? What the hell do you mean? You think it’s Siberia or Alaska?”

  “Don’t you swear at me. I just don’t want to live there. And I know where it is. I come from there, remember?”

  “Deirdre, this is the chance I’ve been waiting for. It’s a better position than they first offered me. I’d be the head of the whole thing. It’s a good position. And think of raising the girls there. It’d be great for them. I know they’ll like Cape Astraea.”

  “You don’t know anything about girls. You’re being selfish and stupid. I grew up in isolation on that farm.”

  “Like you never had any friends? You’re being selfish now. You know damn well this is a good move for me. You’re just thinking of yourself. Well, you go ahead. Be stubborn. Think only about what you want. This move is for the whole family.”

  She was frustrated and getting very angry. “Fuck you.”

  “What?”

  “You heard me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck you.”

  “His face red, his heart beating faster, he left the room, yelling behind him, “We’re moving. Get used to it.”

  She started to answer, “Shit . . .” and stopped. I married that ass, and after everything I’ve been through, back to Maine. What for? Security, Deirdre. I had security through Étienne. Social standing. I fell for him. Admit it. Yeah. And you wanted to show your power over the simpleton he was going with. Well, give in. Let him have his way, for now. The kids will just have to grow up there. I did. So what if it was a farm? Look what I have now. I always manage to get my way. He’ll think he’s won.

  They would move in the summer. Gregory told his folks, she hers. Jocelyn looked at houses but knew she could not choose for them, although she did see one she thought they’d both like.

  Both families were happy about the move but were ignorant of how Deirdre felt, even Gregory who was happy to be going but stunned by her objections. For the morning after he told her he was accepting the position, they hardly spoke. She took the breakfast from Andrea, slamming the dishes on the table. The banging scared Melinda and Pamela. Kaitlin cried. Deirdre stared at the children. “Why don’t you feed the children? It’s your responsibility too.”

  Deirdre left the kitchen, did not return, and let Andrea finish clearing the table.

  Her behavior reminded Gregory of the earthquake that had struck the Aleutians and the tidal wave it caused that swept into Hawaii, flooding roads, sweeping a submarine along the ocean bottom. The wave had changed course and was sweeping through the house. “Where are you? Come back here. I’m already late.”

  “I don’t give a damn,” she shouted, coming to the door. “You surprise me, don’t even ask me, and we’re off on a flight. What am I? Some fucking Negro maid in this house? Well, like them, I want my freedom. So you take care of everything. That’s what you’re doing.”

  “Don’t you dare use that word again in front of the children. And stop talking about race in this house. I won’t have it. They deserve every right we have.”

  “So says the great Dr. Gregory Hurwitz.”

  Kaitlin and Pamela were now crying loudly. Melinda stood behind her chair, staring.

  “Look what you’ve done.” Gregory rose and went to the girls, soothing them. “Mommy just didn’t sleep well last night.”

  “You’re goddamn right she didn’t.” Although upset, she wanted the children to stop crying, was sad she had scared them. She went to Kaitlin, picked her up, then moved to Pamela, rubbed her hand through Melinda’s hair. “It’s all right, dears. Mommy’s just upset.” She glared at Gregory. “Why don’t you just get the hell out of here and go play with your bugs.”

  He scowled, didn’t answer, went to the children, kissed them, and left, slamming the front door.

  He calmed driving to work. The whole world’s a mess. The Arabs and Israelis are fussing. Golda Meir was right to give back to Egypt Aquaba and Gaza. He thought of the plane blown up in 1955 by John Graham so he could kill his mother, except that he also killed 144 other people. Well, I guess my house isn’t that bad yet. Why’s she always talking about the black people? She hates them so. What did they ever do to her? Chicago. They told the bus drivers if they allowed Negroes to mix with whites, the drivers would be arrested. Some country, President Eisenhower. Nice guy though. He’s got his hands full with the Near East. The Arabs don’t know what they want. Maybe Deirdre’s an Arab. He laughed, then was talking to himself, “I like that John Kennedy. Smart. The Democrats need new ideas, new policies, new faces. He’s right. They say he’ll run in ’60. His brother is something too, being the counselor for that Select Committee investigating the Teamsters in Oregon. Kennedy getting them to admit they have been involved in illegal activities like bringing that madam to set up a house of prostitution, and the D.A. from Portland, Oregon being indicted. Nice world. And that bastard McCarthy is on the committee, still in the Senate. Oh well. My house.” He hesitated. “MY house. She’ll come around. Is it my house? My home?”

  When he did come home late, though she was still angry, she had Andrea hold his meal for him. She met him at the door, sweetly telling him she loved him, kissed and hugged him. “It’ll be all right, dear. Let’s not fight about going. You have to.”

  However, during the day she had made her own plans.

  The next day she told Andrea she might not be home until late. “If my husband gets home before me, tell him I had to meet one of our State Reps.”

  In the meantime, Deirdre had insisted that Étienne return from Athens, for, without telling him, she had already decided she would, perhaps must, agree to Maine.

  Before leaving, she had been supervising the selling and packing of the house when she pressed Étienne for his company. He took the first flight from Athens and was with Deirdre within a day of landing. They commiserated, made plans for meeting, while fondling one another.

  “Now tell me why you married him. I told you not to, that I was enough for you.”

  “And your wife? I was supposed to be the faithful mistress forever? I needed some security. I found it. I have a husband who loves me.”

  He interrupted. “Love?” He started to laugh. The only love is what’s between you and me.”

  Angrily, she retorted, “I have a loving husband, my children, a new home in Maine.”

  “Where you don’t even want to go. Face it, Deirdre, you’re mine, and you best stay that way.”

  “You’re threatening me?” She shouted at him.

  “No threat. Just the truth. You’ll never have a better lover.” He grabbed her by the arm, pressing tightly.

  “Stop that. You’ll make me black and blue. How will I explain that?”

  “Explain. You love roughness.” He put his hand on her throat, “Love it,” as he pulled her toward him, kissed her hard, ran his hand to her vagina, placing his fingers inside.

  She softened, leaned into him, sliding her hand along his hard penis.

  “You love it and me, Deirdre. No matter what happens, you belong to me.”

  “Oh, shut up.” She taunted him. “I have a young husband who can please me better than you.” She laughed. “Try me.”

  “Bitch.” He undressed her, pulled at her clothing while she did the same to him.

  They pleased themselves in their nakedness, spent the afternoon making love, promising faithfulness while using their hands and mouths, warming to her sitting atop him, tightening to please him, feeling his pulsating into her, then she rubbing until she screamed, clenched his chest to the rhythm of the flowing heat and the spasms of her orgasm that traveled throughout her body, as she moaned and fell upon him, whispering, “I'll never let you down, will always be yours.”

  _______________

  Chapter XI

  The Maine Coast and Home

  Deirdre took her car, the maid, and children. She drove to Warrington first, though the trip was longer, purposely by-passing Cape Astraea. She wanted to avoid as long as possible what she thought of as the isolation of that place. She di
d want to stop and see her parents who hadn't seen the children since Kaitlin’s birth. The farm and chicks would please the children. Christine and Edward, naturally, were quite happy seeing the children and their daughter. At first, Christine thought little about Deirdre having come to Warrington first. Yet it bothered her that she did not go with her husband or start, at least, to settle her new home.

  “It’s so wonderful having you and the children. But I’m wondering. Shouldn’t you be in your new home helping settling it? There must be a lot that has to be done.”

  “Yes, mother. There is. But right now, I feel like I’ll get it done when I get there. If Gregory can’t get along for a little while and perhaps do some of it himself, then that’s that.”

  “But he has to work. He’s got a new job, and he may need you.”

  “Mother, I go away at various times because of my work. I have a maid. I have everything. I was even in the army. Remember? I think I can make my own decisions.”

  “You may have been a lot of places and done a lot, but you’re married.”

  “Why does everyone think marriage is supposed to tie you down? I won’t live that way.” She thought about the children. “Yeah. I have three children. I love them. They know it. But they’re learning that sometimes I’m away. Do I always have to prove myself?”

  Christine was sorry she said anything. “I don’t want us to argue, dear. I just thought . . . .” and she decided she would say no more as much as she disapproved.

  “O.K, mom, have we got that settled? I’m here to be with you and dad and so you can see the children for a while.”

  Deirdre felt she had put her mother in her place, that there would be no grandmotherly advice or interference. Her father wouldn’t even think about it. Or maybe he would. He was one of those men who felt a woman’s place was in her home, taking care of her children and her husband. And if she were lucky enough to have a maid, then she would have to tell the maid what to do.

  Andrea overheard Deirdre and her mother and laughed to herself. She knew Deirdre had to tolerate having a black woman in the house, knew about her prejudice. Aside from that, she did not really like Deirdre, thought her selfish, had seen her preening before a mirror. It was a nice figure. But Andrea loved the children, enjoyed playing with them. Melinda and she were becoming great friends. And she liked Gregory who was always so kind to her. Sometimes it was almost as if the children were hers. Melinda and Pamela came to her with their troubles, and Kaitlin was always pulling at her skirt. Yet, there were times when she and Deirdre would quarrel, and Deirdre would remind Andrea the children were not hers, to stop trying to take her place. Because Andrea came from a poor family, it pleased her to work and have a place to live in a rich home. She had no idea how much money there was in the family, but all doctors were rich her parents had taught her. A job with a doctor would be security. Yes, there were times she wished she had a man and her own family. For now, however, she would have to be content and make the best of it with Deirdre. She also decided that perhaps things weren’t too good between Gregory and Deirdre, the way Deirdre disappeared, had her call her at that number, only if absolutely necessary, where that man with a foreign accent answered when they lived in Belmont. This bothered Andrea. She had called once when they still lived in Belmont.

  “Why are you bothering me? I’m very busy.” Her voice was husky and sounded as though she were breathing harder.

  “Kaitlin fell down and has hurt her leg. She doesn’t seem to be able to stand the way she usually does. I’m sorry, ma’m, but I touched her ankle and she cried.”

  “Is it twisted or anything like that?”

  “I don’t think so, but she’s still crying.”

  “Well. It sounds like she’s all right, just scared.”

  “I think, Mrs. Hurwitz, you should come home and see if she’s all right.”

  Andrea heard a soft “Damn.”

  “Mrs. Hurwitz, did you say something?”

  Resentfully, she answered, “I’ll be there in a little bit.”

  Deirdre slammed down the phone, glared at Étienne. “That damned maid can’t take care of anything. I ought to fire her. The damn Negroes are hopeless. I better go.” She dressed quickly, brushed her hair with her hands, put on some lipstick. “I’m sorry, dearest.” He lay in the bed watching her, angrily admiring her body. “You married him, dearest,” he sarcastically told her. “You had his babies.”

  “Oh, shut up.”

  He laughed while thinking, You may not quite regret it now, but you will. Screw around with me? Non. Non. I begged you not to do it. “Come over here.” He reached for her breasts, rubbed them, pulled her to him and kissed her hard. “Just remember, we’re in this together, and you’re mine. Despite that ring on your finger.”

  For just an instant, Deirdre wondered about her uncertain life.

  “Mother, let’s just enjoy ourselves. Tell you what. Let me take you to Rockland for dinner. O.K.? It will be a nice break for you and dad.”

  “I like that.”

  “You know, I was thinking about the war, how uncertain everything was and is.”

  “Now why should you be thinking that way.”

  “I guess what you said about my new home and Gregory. I won’t stay too long and get there. You’re right. Gregory’s going to need me.”

  ~

  In Cape Astraea there were also questions. Jocelyn and Aaron had never been happy about Gregory’s marriage to Deirdre. Mary, who was now an intern, loved Brigit and wanted to push her brother into a rolling surf for what he did. The marriage to Deirdre was as though a stormy sea had crashed against them. She and Brigit had remained friends, corresponded with one another, talked on the phone. She never told Gregory. She had decided she would try to come home to see the family and her nieces. In Boston she had seen the children, enjoying when Melinda began to talk, then Pamela, and she had seen Kaitlin crawl and try to stand. She forced herself to befriend Deirdre, although she would never forgive her for the scene that had made Mary so angry.

  Aaron found Jocelyn in her music room. “What the hell is it with that woman?”

  “What?” Jocelyn looked up surprised.

  “That Deirdre. Why the hell isn’t she here?”

  “She wanted to see her parents, show them the children.”

  “Bull shit. She could have done that later. There’s so much to be done here.”

  “Aaron, would you please after all these years try to stop swearing. Don’t forget, when you meet your Lord . . .”

  He interrupted. “What Lord?”

  Jocelyn started laughing. “I know you’ll never change. Let’s not argue about her. She’ll get here in her time. Gregory loves her and that’s what matters.”

  “And she?”

  Jocelyn didn’t answer, thought, and changed the subject. “Mary’s going to try and get home for a day. I hope she can.”

  ~

  The ocean was calm, stars filled the sky; the moon shed its shimmering light across the water. In the distance was one lighthouse among others that protected the harbor entrance. Mary enjoyed this view as she drove closer to home, wishing Evelyn could be beside her seeing this enchanting scene. She was also anxious to see Greg’s new house and wished the children were with him. Perhaps Deirdre would come before she had to leave the next evening. When she walked into the house, there were the usual cries of joy.

  “Greg will be here for dinner, knowing you’d be coming home, as short a time as it is,” Jocelyn told her. “He’s anxious to see you. You’ll love his house. I have a key and we can go in the morning after he’s at work. He loves the job. Then we can look about and decide where Deirdre should put everything. I’m certain she’ll listen,” she said sarcastically. “Oh well, let’s be nice. It will be fun with the children, except that she probably won’t get here before you leave.”

  “Mother, I saw Brigit at the hospital before I left. She had the children and was waiting for Tom who was seeing some patients, I suppose wondering
whether he’d be called during the night for a delivery. That woman gets more beautiful with age and her two beauties. Her son, Robert is so handsome and Kathryn is almost a copy of her mother. Wait ‘til she grows up. Wow. I’m sorry. But I still think Greg was a fool. Secretly, I think he still loves her. Brigit asked about him and seemed a little down when I told her he was now in Maine and what he’s doing. They were meant for each other, and if either would admit it, they’re still in love.”

  “Stop it, Mary. Things are as they are. He loves his wife. I admit, sometimes she seems a little distant, especially toward me. She does like your father. Who wouldn’t, that charmer? Oh, Mary, it’s so good to have you both here.” The women looked at each other, the love between them obvious not only to both but to anyone who would have observed them. Hugs and a kiss on the cheek were enough. Mary felt the warmth of her home, smelled her mother’s perfume that she had always loved, the feel of her smooth hands.

  “Mary.” Aaron came toward them. “I thought I heard the rustle of women and their voices. I’m glad you were able to come.” He hugged her and asked them to come to the living room.

  Not long after, Gregory came. “Hi everyone. I had a call from Deirdre. She’ll be here tomorrow. She wants Mary to see the children and you, too, dad and mom.” “No doubt,” Aaron told himself.

  Deirdre decided to surprise everyone and drive to Cape Astraea that night. In fact, she surprised herself, enjoying the relatively rougher ocean, the same deeper dark star-filled sky, the full moon casting its light across windblown increasing waves, the white foam barely seen against the shore. It is so peaceful and beautiful. Perhaps I will like it here. Besides, I can always count on my trips. She started to laugh aloud, thought of Andrea or waking the children. My ventures in antiquities. What the public never realizes is what we go through, must do. Thank God for Étienne – and not just the sex. But what ecstasy he gives my body. And then with Gregory as the climax. She did laugh. You are clever. How I have learned to satisfy my desires. The children are becoming more delightful as they get older. Maybe I can be a good mother. Well, put your mind to it when you think about it.