‘And you’ve got it because?’
‘Your dad said you’d panic.’
‘He knew I had to do a speech?’
‘No.’ He grins. ‘He just heard Ruby mention it a few minutes ago, before she headed off to ambush you, and he suggested you might need some moral support.’
‘I can do this.’ I close my eyes, wave my hands about, palms facing the floor like I’ve seen them do in the yoga class in the park near work, and wait for the zen calm that is supposed to descend. I am not bricking it, I am in control.
‘You can do this.’
How can you feel empty and sick at the same time?
Jake drapes his arm over my shoulder and his fingertips hit my skin. Red Rum wouldn’t have seen me for dust if I could make a run for it now.
‘You’ll be brilliant.’ It isn’t just that husky voice, it’s his warm breath on my neck, the indecent tingle that follows the accidental boob brush of his arm. ‘It isn’t public speaking, it’s just chatting to friends and family, people who love you.’
Liam had never made anything tingle, even after ten minutes of warming his hands up and preparing to attack. Though it was probably the time he spent preparing, that killed dead any chance. The closest he’d got to setting me on fire was when we were kids.
‘What are you thinking about?’
‘Liam giving me a Chinese burn.’ Strange how your mind works when you are panicking, isn’t it? I wonder if this is the type of thing I’d think about if I was faced with a man-eating tiger and certain death?
‘Is that some kind of euphemism, or a strange pre-sex warm up routine?’
‘It was the last time he made me tingly.’
‘Oh.’ He frowns and moves his arm. Okay, talking about tingles with your ex isn’t normal behaviour, but as we’ve firmly established that Jake never was, and never will be, a proper boyfriend, it doesn’t matter, does it?
‘It hurt, so I stamped on his foot so hard his mum had to take him to A&E.’
‘What kind of wuss goes to A&E?’
‘We were only four at the time, so it was reasonable.’
He’s lost his frown, and the hint of a twinkly is back in his eye, and I want to make it come back properly. I shouldn’t. It’s silly when all this is nearly over. But I like him.
‘Sam, you make me all tingly.’
‘Don’t you dare! It’s no wonder I’m confused, is it?’
‘Sorry?’
Oh bugger, I said all that out loud. ‘You have no right to say I make you tingle when you’re about to leave me. Oh shit, they’re all starting to come in. Give them more champagne or something! Help me!’ I can sort out tingles later, right now it is the speech that matters. ‘I’ll tell her I can’t do it. I have a sore throat.’
‘You’ll ace it.’
‘I won’t. I’m fat and … and…’
‘You’re not fat Sam.’
‘You have to say that, I’m paying you.’
‘I don’t have to say anything. I mean it, you’re gorgeous.’ He gives a frustrated sigh. ‘Why do you think you’re fat?’
‘I’m being daft, aren’t I?’
‘Stage fright.’ He smiles. ‘We all get it at some time or other. Our whole life flashes before us.’
He’s right. I’ve not even thought about being fat the last few days, whilst I’ve been with Jake. ‘Even the podgy bits.’
‘Especially the podgy bits.’ He laughs. ‘And the wetting yourself bits, and being chased out of the playground by all the girls. You’re perfect now though. Do you think I’d have agreed to do this if you weren’t?’
‘You did it because I liked dogs. You said so.’
‘No, I didn’t. I said I wouldn’t have done it if you hadn’t.’ He grabs me by the shoulders and propels me back into the washroom, which luckily Ruby has now left. ‘Look!’
I look. He’s standing behind me, staring into the mirror with his gorgeous eyes. They’re lovely, flecked with different colours. Mesmerising. He really does look good in a suit, not just a bit good, he looks movie star good. Which he is. I’m glad he ditched the kilt though, because even though he has got good legs, I prefer them in trousers.
‘Did you really wet yourself?’
He mock-frowns at me. ‘If you put that bit in your speech I will personally spank you.’
Which sounds quite tempting.
‘Now, look at yourself woman, not me.’ He gives me a little shake, still chuckling. Then he sobers, and his grip tightens slightly. His voice soft in my ear. ‘You’re sensational.’
I divert my gaze, so that I’m staring into my own eyes. They’re very nicely made up, the make-up lady has done a perfect job, and the hairdresser has managed to banish every trace of frizz so that I look super sleek. Even after the dash around in the church, I still look fresh.
And to be honest, totally honest, I don’t look wrong in this dress. It’s pretty damned flattering – it’s kind of holding in my stomach and propping up my boobs and telling me I’ve got a hint of a waist. I still look like I did at the start of the afternoon when I was with Beth and Sally.
‘You’re exactly the weight you are meant to be, and it suits you. It is you.’
‘I can do this.’
‘Totally. You don’t even need to write anything down, do you? You can totally do it, Sam, all you have to do is talk a bit about what a wonderful friend she is, and that’s easy. Isn’t it? You love her. You love her enough to go out and find a man to come with you, you love her enough to lie to her and your family.’
‘Er, I might have told them a little bit.’
‘Not them as well.’ He shakes his head, but he’s still smiling.
‘I couldn’t help it. It was your fault actually.’
‘My fault?’ The smile slips a bit.
‘I’ll tell you later.’ I sigh and squeeze his hand. He’s nice, I can’t hate him. It’s totally my fault that I misread the signs and thought that, because I’d fallen for him, the feeling was mutual. Why is life never straightforward, with fairy tale romantic endings? ‘Come on. We need to find out where we’re sitting.’
‘Oh no. That’s you, is it Samantha?’ Jess’s Aunt Annie points at my place name and looks very put out. ‘What a disappointment.’ And this is before I even start my speech. ‘Why hasn’t it got your full name on the card? It just says Sam.’
‘Well, I don’t know, I…’
‘Hi, I’m Jake.’
Aunt Annie smiles and looks slightly appeased, but still not happy. ‘How lovely.’ She glares at me. I really don’t know what I’ve done to upset her, I’m sure I’ve only met her a couple of times, and she hasn’t been staying over at the castle so I couldn’t have said anything untoward after several cocktails. ‘I thought you were two gay men, Sam and Jake. What a let-down. Oh well, I suppose we’ll just have to make the best of things. Gay couples tend to be so much more entertaining though. Sit down, sit down.’
‘Oh, I’m so sorry.’ Jake dazzles them with his best megawatt smile, and treacle-smooth tones. ‘But, we’re on the top table now. Come on, Sam, Harry’s waiting.’
Harry is. He’s already sat in his seat, one napkin round his neck, the other in his mouth, and he’s eyeing up the table decoration.
Jake smiles apologetically at Aunt Annie. ‘Harry can always come and sit with you in the spare seat?’
‘Oh yes, yes. He’ll definitely be entertaining. Harry’s a hoot!’ I nod vigorously. This will get me in Annie’s good books (I don’t like being disliked) – I mean, shove a cute dog in any woman’s face and she feels instantly better, doesn’t she?
‘Harry? Goodness me, I didn’t realise he was still here. Now he will be entertaining.’ She’s gone bright pink and is fanning herself.
‘Oh yes, he’s still here.’ I look at Jake, perplexed at quite how enthusiastic Annie is.
Before anybody can say another word, Jake whistles. With an excited bark, Harry leaps off the chair and bounces our way, dodging table legs as he goes. Th
ere’s a piercing shriek, then Annie is off, heading in the opposite direction at a speed you just couldn’t imagine her capable of, with the dog in hot pursuit.
Which wasn’t what I expected at all.
Annie’s husband, Albert, who has been watching the proceedings silently, suddenly gives a broad, toothy grin and winks. ‘I think she thought you meant Prince Harry, love, not Harry the dog!’ He chuckles. ‘Not seen her move that fast for years. Not for you to know she’s allergic, is it?’ He nods. ‘I’ll be off to get her back then. Shame you’re not gay and there’s no prince here though, would have given her something to tell the neighbours about when we get home.’
Chapter 25
‘Dance with me.’ Liam is drunk. Very drunk. He has to be, or else he wouldn’t be barging in when I’m standing next to Jake, and he wouldn’t be within a million miles of the dancefloor.
The wedding breakfast is over, and Jake was right – my impromptu speech went down incredibly well. Jess rushed over and kissed me when I finished, and John smothered me, and Mum shouted out ‘that’s my daughter’ several times, and I got quite an ovation.
And now, after my exhilaration high, I’m feeling a little bit apart from all the laughter. I’m an observer, acutely aware that when the clock strikes midnight (well, maybe a bit later) the man standing behind me will disappear and all this will be over.
I don’t need my very drunk ex interrupting the last few magical moments. I just want to stand here quietly, and think about what comes next.
‘Oh come on, Samantha.’
‘Shouldn’t you be with Stella?’
He ignores me. ‘Look, I know you don’t love me anymore. But you can dance with me, can’t you?’ He sways closer, and I try and sway further away. Which is tricky when I’m slap bang up against Jake. ‘For old times’ sake.’
He’s right. I don’t love him, but it’s more than that. I just don’t like him at all. It’s as though something inside me has flipped and he’s a stranger. There’s nothing left. I don’t even want his hands touching me, it would feel, well, weird. He also has beer-breath. My best escape plan might be to duck down so that he’s left face to face with Jake.
‘Liam, we never danced, you never would.’
‘Rubbish, I’m an ace dancer.’
‘When you were eleven, at the school disco maybe.’ He wasn’t that good then either. He was one of those helicopter dancers that throw limbs out in all directions and sends people scurrying for cover.
‘Sammy, I can’t do this, you’ve got to help me.’
‘Don’t call me Sammy.’ He must be even more drunk than I thought.
‘I’m not ready to be a dad, Sammy.’ He’s said it again. ‘I’m immature. You said so, Stella says so, everybody says so.’
‘Well, everybody is bloody right, Liam.’ The whole Sammy thing has wound me up, along with the fact that he keeps trying to dodge his responsibilities and isn’t where he should be – with Stella. I am also cross that he’s forced me up against Jake, who I have been desperately avoiding bodily contact with for self-preservation reasons, and who is also dodging the whole baby issue. It’s been a long week and soon I will be free to go back to my normal life, but before I go I am determined to speak my mind. To both of them. ‘You are an idiot, Liam, and it has absolutely nothing to do with me. I don’t have to dance with you, and I don’t have to help you. Those babies of yours are probably going to be born with more of a conscience and more grown-up than you are. They didn’t ask to be born, did they? You had a choice but they haven’t.’ I realise I’m poking him in the chest. ‘They’re landed with you whether they want you or not. If you didn’t want them you should have kept your twinky-winky in your trousers, shouldn’t you?’
Liam lurches back a step, and Jake laughs.
‘Twinky-winky? Who calls it that?’
‘You don’t like me, do you?’ Liam has a glazed expression and looks like he might burst into tears any second.
‘Not much Liam, not right now. You should be with Stella, helping her, not feeling sorry for yourself down here.’
‘She doesn’t want to dance with you, mate. Go upstairs and look after your wife.’ Jake pauses, and puts a territorial arm round my waist.
‘She’s not his wife.’ I hiss sideways, but he ignores me.
‘Sammy is dancing with me, aren’t you?’ I am going to kill Jake, or change my name by deed poll to something you can’t abbreviate.
‘You know what? I don’t want to dance with either of you.’ I spin free, and am pleasantly surprised that I don’t fall over, just wobble – it’s a bit of a dodgy manoeuvre in these shoes after so much wine. ‘I think it’s time you both took a good long look at yourselves.’ I fold my arms, lift my chin (because I really can do this), and give them both a stern look.
Liam staggers back, Jake gives me his puzzled spaniel look, and I glide off imperiously. I am in control. I have this. Well, I do for the first three steps, then I collide with Jess. Who wraps me in a drunken bear hug.
‘You tell them, Sam. God, I am so proud of you, you are totes amazing, girl.’
I should like being amazing, but all I want to do is cry.
‘Oh buggering hell, Jess, why I can’t I just be normal?’
‘You’re far too special to be normal, Sam, that’s why I love you so much.’ She hugs me harder, and a couple of tears pop out of my eyes. ‘What’s the matter?’
She’s dragged me to the side of the room where it’s quiet, and I’m feeling all emotional, and this week has all been so good, and funny, and mixed up, and all of a sudden I have to let it out.
‘It’s nearly all over with Jake.’ I want to cry, in fact I think I am. ‘It’ll end tomorrow.’
‘Oh my God, you can’t say that!’ She puts her hand over her open mouth. ‘He is mad about you. He loves you.’
‘He doesn’t love me. Oh Jess, I’ve been such an idiot, I’ve fallen for him and it’s all a total sham, and I don’t want to go home and it all to end.’
‘It isn’t a sham, Sam, don’t say that.’
‘He’s not mad about me.’ Though he might be mad at me, after this. But it doesn’t matter, we’re going home tomorrow, so it doesn’t matter if Jess knows.
‘Is this about the baby?’
‘No.’ I blink away the wetness in my eyes, and a big fat blobby tear plops onto the front of my dress. ‘It’s not his baby.’
Jess frowns. ‘So, he, you…’
‘Jess.’ Oh God, this is difficult. So I squeeze her tighter and close my eyes. ‘I’m paying him.’ There is silence. No shriek. I count to ten. Still no sound. I open one eye.
Jess is staring at me. I’ve never seen her speechless before. This is a first.
‘You’re paying him for what?’
‘To be my boyfriend.’
‘What?’
‘Please don’t tell anybody!’ I don’t need total humiliation. ‘Not even Dan.’ It’s probably very un-best-friend-like demanding somebody lie to the man they’ve just married. But if she tells Dan, he might tell Liam, who’ll tell Stella, who will tell everybody who fills their car with petrol when she gets home. Before you know it, Jeremy Kyle will be inviting us over. I gulp down the lump in my throat. ‘I couldn’t find a real boyfriend in time, and so I found Jake. Please don’t tell anybody, not until we’ve gone in the morning. Please? Cross your heart…’
‘And hope to die. I promise. But…’ She lets go of me. ‘Oh Sam, you don’t have to end it now, that’s not all an act. I know it isn’t. Just look at him.’
I look. He’s watching us from the other side of the room, and for once I haven’t got a clue what he’s thinking. I can’t read the expression on his face at all.
‘I think I need some fresh air.’ I pull away from my best friend.
‘Sam?’
‘I’m fine, go and dance with Dan, he’s waiting for you.’
‘But…’
‘Go.’ I hug her back properly. ‘This has been the best wedding ever, Jess
.’
‘It has, hasn’t it?’ She’s grinning, flashing glances at her gorgeous husband. ‘You will talk to Jake though, won’t you Sam? I’m sure he…’
‘I…’
‘You need to. For me?’
‘I know I need to. For me, actually. This isn’t all about you, you know!’ We laugh together, then she leans in close and whispers in my ear. ‘He likes you.’
‘I liked him.’
Harry thinks I am amazing too. His tail is wagging so hard when we get outside, I’m a bit worried he might fall over.
He stops wagging and is sick.
‘That’s what comes from eating too much food!’
He bounces off, obviously feeling much better. It’s a shame I can’t solve my own problems that easily.
It’s a beautiful evening, a massive sky that stretches on forever, and the air has that slight crisp edge that comes in with the dusk. I’ve always liked that cusp between night and day, that sense that everything is suspended for just a moment. That magical time when it’s all about promises and what could be, rather than what has been and what went wrong. Even the air is expectant, and the sky shimmers with the colours of change and new beginnings.
There’s a coolness to the air that’s refreshing, and it stamps on the claustrophobic feeling that’s been building inside me. Out here I’m free. I can do anything, be anybody. Drop the act.
There’s a splash and I’m a bit surprised to realise that I’ve wandered down to the loch, and Harry is jumping about in the shallows, pouncing on imaginary prey.
I kick off my heels, and let my toes curl into the soft damp earth at the edge of the loch. I could walk in now, into this cold water. I hate water, hate swimming, but maybe right now that is what I should do. Prove to myself that I really can do anything.
Anything. Be on my own. Wait until the one appears if he ever does. One that can make me tingle inappropriately, make me laugh, and hasn’t got a brood of children hidden away somewhere.
Harry barks with excitement, then splashes in the shallow water at the edge.
Harry can do it, I can do it. Here, at this part, it shelves quite steeply. A few steps and I will be in up to my thighs. I can swim, Dad made sure of that. I’ve just chosen not to. Until now.
The Wedding Date Page 25
