Damn, that’s our chance of becoming members of the royal family scuppered.
Mum soon recovers from the loss, and brightens up. ‘I wonder if Meghan is with him?’
‘Not unless she’s carrying the other end of the stretcher.’
Sally giggles, and Ruby snorts and stomps off to consider other options.
‘She seems such a lovely girl. I bet Jake knows her, they might have acted together, you need to ask him. She’s an actor as well.’
‘I don’t think he does know her.’
‘Oh dear, what a shame. It would have been so exciting if she’d been here, we could have chatted about our roles.’ For a second Mum looks disappointed again, then claps her hands. ‘Oh, look at your naughty little dog!’
I’m not sure he’s mine at all now, even though he felt very briefly like he was. I think I have lost all claim to ownership. But I still love him to bits. He must have taken advantage of the distraction and gone in for the kill. He now has Liam’s sporran in his jaws and is holding it aloft like a trophy. There is no sign of Liam, who I think has dashed back inside to comfort the woman in labour. If he was that good a partner he shouldn’t have abandoned her to be in the photos. I am well rid of him.
‘Should we go and see how Stella is?’
My mother shakes her head. ‘She told us to clear out in no uncertain terms when we helped her into the vestry. Very abrupt she was, if I was you I’d leave her to it. Steer well clear. I think she must be … what do they call it … vajazzled or something, to have led Liam astray like that.’
‘Mum!’
‘Well, the rest of her isn’t that pretty, is it?’ I’m quite shocked at the outburst, and I can see everybody else is, but we’re all waiting to see what she says next. We can’t help it.
‘You do know what vajazzled means?’
‘Of course I do dear. I wasn’t born yesterday. Crystals for your crotch, it said in that magazine article I saw in the hairdresser’s. I’m not sure it would suit me though dear.’ From the look on Dad’s face it wouldn’t suit him either. ‘I’m quite sensitive down there and if you start using superglue you don’t know where it will all end up, do you?’
‘You don’t.’ Beth is giggling. ‘I bet my Si would be interested to find out though. Maybe that’s what I need to do, get down to the arts and crafts place and buy some sparkles. He might listen to me then.’
‘Oh, I’m sure it would prickle dear, and looking isn’t listening, is it? There’s enough foreign objects find their way round, without sticking them in unnatural places. I’d say it’s a last resort for that girl.’ Personally I’d say it is something Mother has made up, though I’m not 100 per cent sure on that. ‘And she has a potty mouth and a big bottom, if you ask me. Right, now, what was the question?’
‘Shall I go and check on her?’ I wish I hadn’t asked in the first place.
‘Definitely not. I think that naughty Ruby has sneaked off to make sure it isn’t Prince Harry, so it will serve her right if that woman gives her what for. Come on now, dear, I think they want more photographs of you and that lovely Jake.’ She pats my hand. ‘You might think I’m a daft old bat, darling, and I know parents don’t know a thing, but I really do think you should clear the air with him. Such a nice boy. Maybe you’ve got the wrong end of the rod.’
‘Stick.’
‘Whatever you say, darling. But you should ask. I mean, I’m not saying all men are like your father but he’s done the oddest things, complete misunderstandings they were, like the time I caught him in a clinch with his PA at the office party. We’d only been dating a few months, we had, and he always was a favourite with the ladies.’ This is not how I have ever seen my kind, slightly dotty but always patient father, and I’m not sure I want to. ‘He said he’d thought she needed to chat about her shorthand, but instead she’d grabbed hold of his hand and clamped it over her breast. Now I’m not saying he didn’t enjoy it a little bit, we were younger than you are now, and he is a man, but I like to think he was more stupid than anything. I mean men can be quite naïve, you know, about the signals they’re giving off. Some women who are desperate to get a man can do things that aren’t really playing the game.’ She fixes me with a look of determination I don’t often see on her face; in fact, I think the last time I saw it was the day of my maths GSCE. ‘But sometimes it’s worth seeing past the silly stuff isn’t it, looking at the man?’
I nod. What Stella did wasn’t exactly playing the game, not the one of sisterhood and solidarity anyway. And Liam probably had been a bit stupid, and all the attention and neediness had fired something up in him he didn’t know he had. His inner caveman. None of us knew he had that, and I think now he rather wished it had never escaped.
But Jake is different.
‘Tomorrow, Mum. I don’t want to spoil Jess’s day.’
‘That’s a good girl.’ She hugs me on impulse and nearly takes my eye out with something shiny that is sticking out of her hat. ‘Now is my hat straight? Chop chop then, they’re waiting.’
The helicopter is still sat on the grass, and there’s no sign of Stella or Liam when the photographer announces he’s satisfied, and we all head in for some more photographs in the grand entrance hall.
I now have two mantras in my head. I can do it and don’t fall for his charms. The problem is, all this standing close business is playing havoc with my self-control. I’m not cut out for the acting lark. Every time he puts his arms round me, his fingers settle on my waist and I want to either lean in against him, or scream at him to stop it. And I can’t do either.
But I can accidentally stand on his foot, and jiggle him with my elbows. It doesn’t seem to be working though because he keeps getting closer, until I can feel his warmth on my ludicrously exposed shoulders and neck (whatever happened to bodices and being buttoned up to the chin?). My only other option is to take a ‘to hell with it’ view of this and throw myself at him. I am sure that if I was to use up some of my sexual frustration I’d feel much better.
Well, that’s my theory.
Alternatively it could leave me feeling shit when he drives off tomorrow into the sunset, to go back to his relationship-free zone.
It would be weak to give in to his charms, but it would be strong to make the first move, wouldn’t it? A strike for independent women everywhere. And who knows, maybe I could persuade him that he can learn to trust again.
I think I have realised that Liam was just a blip and that not all men are bastards. Jake has helped me do that. He has helped me realise I can wipe the slate clean and I am ready to move on. But something tells me that his hurt runs a bit deeper and is a bit more complicated.
All this thought about being a strong woman and taking control is making me feel rather randy though. I’m wishing I could just do it, and have one last fling for my own sexual satisfaction.
‘Last one, all smile!’
There are smiles of relief all round, apart from mine. Jake has just squeezed my buttock and I rather think the expression on my face is not appropriate for a maid of honour.
Harry is guest of honour at the wedding breakfast. Personally, I wasn’t convinced it was the best idea when Jess first mentioned it while we were posing for the photos, but I have changed my mind when we enter the reception hall for pre-dinner drinks.
Harry is looking very pleased with himself, and there are only a few traces of the sporran still stuck to his chin. He keeps smacking his lips together and rubbing his face along the floor – scooting along at high speed with his bum in the air – so I think there must be a bit stuck in his teeth, but he’s very resourceful so I’m sure he will sort it out.
Jess managed to produce a little tartan bandana, which he’s currently doing his best to pull over his head with his front paws, in between the attempts to get the fluff out of his molars. He’s got his own bowl and food, and as luck would have it, Jess has given Harry Stella’s seat and Jake has been given Liam’s, so that the top table is still full.
J
ess has even asked her mum to make sure his name is on the place setting.
We all heard the helicopter take off while we were posing for the final photograph, and there was a collective sigh of relief.
‘You don’t know where my sporran is, do you? It’s rented and they’ll charge me for it.’ I really didn’t expect to hear Liam’s voice, surely he should be in the helicopter? But when I look up from my glass of bubbly it is definitely him. He sounds tetchy and he keeps glancing at Harry, and seems the tiniest bit nervous. His hands keep gravitating towards his groin, and he’s got a nervous twitch, as though he’s expecting an attack any moment.
Liam has never been keen on dogs, another of those pointers that I should have spotted earlier. A man who loves pets has to be far more trustworthy, if the pet loves him back of course.
‘What the hell are you doing here?’ I really cannot believe that Liam is so pathetic, and cruel that he’s sent Stella off on her own. Though he is scared of flying. Milk Tray man, he is not. ‘Shouldn’t you be at the hospital?’
‘Well…’ He looks round and drops his voice so that I have to lean in a bit to hear. ‘She’s not actually gone.’
‘She’s not gone?’ Unfortunately I forget to lower my own voice and I’m a bit shouty, so a few people look our way. But it was a shock. ‘She’s had the babies here?’ I glance round, though to be honest I don’t think Stella is going to come gliding down the fabulous staircase with a baby in each arm. She didn’t seem that keen on joining in before she gave birth, and now she’ll have stitches in unmentionable places and be leaking milk.
‘No, not yet.’ Liam’s voice drags my mind away from my personal horror movie. He’s looking a bit shifty. ‘She’s in our room. Resting.’
‘But her waters broke.’ I’m pretty sure that once that’s happened there is no going back. You’re on a countdown to the pain and pushing part.
‘No. Her waters didn’t break.’
‘What?’
‘Shh.’ He does a frantic keep it down motion with his hand, but it’s too late. Jake has heard.
‘Everything okay, honey?’ He nods at Liam. ‘Surprised to see you here mate.’
‘Fine.’ I ignore the little shiver that brings goose bumps out on my arms as his warm fingertips land on my shoulder. ‘Liam was just telling me that Stella’s waters didn’t break, and she’s not had their—’ it’s a bit cruel, but I have to emphasise it ‘—babies, and she’s not actually gone in the helicopter either.’
‘With Prince Harry?’ His eyes are twinkling.
‘He was not Prince Harry.’
‘How can you be sure?’
‘Well, for one, Ruby would have got her mitts on him if it was, and two, Harry is far too busy these days.’
‘You sound like you’ve got inside info?’
He’s still looking amused. It’s quite disconcerting, and makes it quite difficult to remember how much I hate him. Well, not hate him, but am trying not to like him.
I suddenly realise Liam is sidling off. ‘But I saw her waters break!’ Well, I saw a soggy mess, and heard her swearing about the state of her new frock. That stops him in his tracks. He sidles back so that he can talk in a whisper and still be heard. ‘We all did.’
‘Well, er, I’d given her a hot water bottle to help with her backache, and she brought it into church and she sat on it.’ He looks genuinely embarrassed.
‘Sat on it?’
‘Hard.’ He smacks his hands together, which makes me jump. ‘Luckily it wasn’t that hot, more kind of…’
‘Body temperature?’
Liam nods. ‘When we helped her move from the pew, she owned up. She said, she was bored enough to fake her own fucking death if it would get her out of here.’ He winces. ‘And if she hears me say Sam says once more she won’t be responsible for her actions. It was a bit late cos we’d already called the helicopter, and I think, well, don’t tell Jess and Dan, but I think she thought even if her waters hadn’t broken they’d still give her a lift out of here.’
‘And?’
He shakes his head. ‘They wouldn’t. They said she’s quite healthy, and the babies are fine, so she’s in our room with a pile of magazines and afternoon tea.’
‘Oh. Should I go and check she’s okay?’ I really don’t want to.
‘No!’ Liam, who has been talking in hushed tones almost explodes. ‘She might try and murder you or something. Oh God, why did I think bringing her here was a good idea?’
Why did he think shagging her was a good idea?
‘She told me to piss off and enjoy myself with my stuck up friends.’ He is very dejected. ‘The sporran?’
I shake my head. ‘Though to be fair, even if you do find it, the hire shop will probably still charge you. It’s been through rather a harrowing experience I’d say.’ I am trying to keep the smug smile out of my voice, but I think a little bit might be creeping through. ‘I did see him dig a hole and bury it.’ I’m digging my nails into my hand so I don’t start to smirk, or worse, laugh. ‘Then he pulled it out and shook it, er, clean, then he held it between his paws and started to try and shred it.’ I suddenly realise I’m doing an impression and stop.
‘Oh.’
‘Ahh that’s what you’re after, is it? I might be able to help you there!’ Jake smiles. He puts a hand into his pocket and starts to fish something out.
‘Fabulo—’ Liam brightens up, but then his voice tails off as with a dramatic flourish Jake holds the item in question up in the air at eye level. It dangles forlornly. What was once a proud manhood covering sporran, now looks more like a toupee.
‘Fucking hell, is this a joke?’
‘No joke.’ How Jake keeps a straight face as he presses it into Liam’s hand, I have no idea. He closes Liam’s fingers over it. ‘No need to thank me, catch you later mate.’
I make a dive for the ladies’, fishtail swishing. If I turn back and see his poor little face it might create an emergency wetting-myself incident, and that would never do.
Chapter 24
There has been a disaster. Not on the working out how to go to the toilet in a very tight, fishtail dress. This is worse.
Ruby was in the washroom when I finally accomplished the task, and the smile she gave me wasn’t exactly friendly.
‘I can’t wait to hear your speech. Going to tell us all about how you and lover boy met?’
Speech? Speech! Fuck. ‘Oh no, no.’ Where did that silly giggle come from? I feel sick. ‘Just a few words about the bride and groom.’ I’ve put the posh voice on that Mother uses, I find it works when I’m trying to avoid hysteria. ‘You know.’ I don’t know if she does know, but I don’t.
I hadn’t forgotten. How could anybody forget something that important, something their best friend had asked them to do? How could anybody forget that they were going to deliver a speech to a large room full of family and friends?
Okay, I had forgotten. With the boyfriend thing, followed by the baby thing, I’d clean forgotten about writing my speech.
‘Can’t wait.’
Ruby’s tone is dry. She knows.
‘Haha, me neither.’ Bugger. ‘Must go!’
‘I need a pen.’
‘A pen?’
‘And your brain.’
‘Really?’ Jake raises an eyebrow.
‘I’ve got three minutes.’ It might be more than three minutes, in fact I could spend all the meal writing it, but people will interrupt. I will be put under pressure when the dessert arrives and I know my time is imminent.
People will wonder why I’ve left it so late to write. People will think I don’t care. Jess will think I don’t care. I will leave a dark mark on an otherwise perfect day.
I have to write my speech before they all finish their bubbly and take their seats.
‘A whole three minutes, hey? Maybe we should sit down.’
‘Sit down. Yes.’ Oh God, I can’t even think straight, let alone write a speech. ‘My hands are shaking, I won’t be able to write.�
��
‘I’ll do the writing. Calm down.’
‘I don’t even know where we’re sitting.’
‘That bit is easy.’ Jake slips his hand under my elbow. ‘Trust me.’
I want to trust him, truly, but we’re only halfway across the room and I know I can’t do this. ‘I can’t do it, I just can’t do it!’ I can’t breathe, my laces are too tight, I need smelling salts, and I’m having the type of hot flush you’re not supposed to have until you’re at least fifty. I need to get out of this dress, I need to lie down.
‘Calm down.’ Jake puts his hands on my shoulders to stop me dancing about. It kind of works, but not really. I’m still jittering. ‘Can’t do what?’
‘The speech. Jess has asked me to do a speech after Liam does his, and I can’t.’
‘Why not?’
‘It means standing up in front of everybody.’ I’ve never been good at that type of thing.
‘Stay in your seat then.’
‘I haven’t prepared, what am I going to say?’
‘Why haven’t you prepared? I could have helped you if you’d asked.’
‘I forgot.’ After I saw that picture of you and your offspring I clean forgot everything. But I can’t say that, it would be mean.
‘You forgot?’
‘Well, er, at first I might not have been listening properly when Jess mentioned she wanted me to do one and I just said yes. Then when we got here she checked I would still do it.’
‘And you said yes.’
‘Definitely.’ How could I say no? ‘She wanted me to. She’s my best friend.’
‘Oh.’
‘I can’t, I really can’t.’ Why on earth did I say yes? Twice. ‘I don’t do public speaking.’
‘Here.’ He somehow magics up a paper bag and thrusts it towards me.
There is nothing in it, not even the smallest box of chocolates. He grins, and does that eyebrow lifting thing that I’ve got quite fond of.
‘This really isn’t the time to palm off your rubbish on me.’
‘You got me.’ He laughs, then goes serious. ‘It’s to help with breathing. Well-known technique to stop panic attacks.’
The Wedding Date Page 24
