Devotion (A Golden Beach Novella)

by Kim Loraine

  Before she could stop him, her husband strode across the room, took her face between his hands, and pressed a kiss to her forehead. Then he left her alone with her thoughts, her anxiety, and her numbness.

  ~ ~ ~

  Donovan woke to the soft sound of infomercials filtering through the slightly opened bedroom door. Glancing at the bedside table, he sighed as he read the clock. Two-forty-five in the damned morning. Was Valerie awake or had she fallen asleep on the couch—again? Her pillow was missing from her side of the bed. At least she’d come in here for a short while. Her blankets were ruffled, and her phone sat on her nightstand, charging as it did each night. That was progress from their tense exchanges over the last ten days since she’d come home.

  He almost let himself fall back to the welcoming peace of sleep, but this had to stop. His wife was struggling. Tossing the quilt aside, he got out of bed and padded into the living room. She sat on the couch, laptop resting on her thighs.

  “What are you doing, Valerie? It’s the middle of the goddamn night.”

  Her shoulders tensed as he spoke, and she shut the computer before he could get a good look at the screen.

  “Nothing. I couldn’t sleep. I was just doing some mindless research.”

  “About what?”

  She shrugged and shoved the laptop to the far end of the couch. “Did I wake you?” Blinking up at him, she offered a weak smile, her tactless subject change something he chose to ignore.

  “No. I just woke up. Then, when I realized you weren’t in bed, I decided to come get you.”

  Another slight smile spread her lips. The first true hint of emotion from her in over a week.

  “There’s a smile. I’d been wondering if you’d forgotten how to do that.”

  The moment the words left his lips he wished there was a hole in the ground that would swallow him. Her face paled, expression darkening.

  “I’m going to sleep in the guest room so I don’t bother you.” Her tone said it all. He’d hurt her, sticking his big dumb foot in his mouth as always.

  “Sweetheart, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

  “I know exactly what you meant.”

  His gut clenched as her icy glare landed on him.

  “Donovan, I get that you’re trying to be the dutiful husband, but this hovering isn’t helping. I need space. Every time you look at me I see those five kids we wanted. I see them and realize I’ll never be able to give them to you.”

  His heart broke for the sadness in her eyes. “It wasn’t your fault.”

  “I know that. But, it doesn’t change the fact that because I didn’t want kids yet, we ended up not able to have them at all.”

  Gripping her arms, he tried to pull her close, but she refused to come. “This has nothing to do with you wanting to wait.”

  “It does. There’s a higher risk of ectopic pregnancy with this kind of birth control. If I’d paid closer attention . . . recognized the pregnancy symptoms sooner, I could have prevented this. Instead, I let myself nearly die.”

  That hit him like a punch to the gut. She knew this could happen but did it anyway? Pushing through his own pain, he forced himself to ignore the frustration, the desire to place blame. That’s not what she needed, and there wasn’t anything to be done about it now.

  “I’m not going to lie, sweetheart. It was scary as hell. But you’ve got to stop blaming yourself and come back to me.” He closed the distance between them and tilted her chin. “I miss my wife.”

  Holding her close, he stared across the room at their wedding photo. It felt like she was a ghost, fading from view with every day that passed. Her admission still tumbled around in his brain. Had this been preventable? If they’d stuck to condoms, would they be in this situation now?

  “Come on. Let’s go back to bed. You’re not sleeping in the fucking guest room. I want you with me, where you belong,”

  Grabbing her under the knees, he scooped her into his arms and the tightness in his chest loosened a fraction when she didn’t fight him. Falling asleep with her in his arms felt right. They would get through this.

  ~ ~ ~

  As the days passed, Donovan saw the woman he loved begin to return in bits and pieces. Things remained tense between them, but she no longer spent hours on the couch in silence. She’d started yoga again, spent time with her sister and Lena, but whenever she came home from seeing them, her mood drifted back to that dark place. The place he couldn’t reach her.

  He’d spent the better part of three weeks with her, doing his best to show her he was right there. It had been hard to get so much time off, but hell if he was going to let her go it alone for days at a time.

  Stepping out of the shower, he wrapped a towel around his waist, heart picking up speed as he thought about leaving her for the first time since her surgery. He had to go back to work. There was no question. But just as she wasn’t herself, he felt off as well. He couldn’t bear the thought of something happening to her again. Shaking his head, he took a deep breath and headed through the door and into the bedroom.

  As he dressed for duty, the soft murmur of Valerie’s voice caught his ear.

  “I know, Lena. But this is different.” She paused, silence weighing on him as he listened for more. “I can’t do that and you know it.” More silence followed. He felt guilty for eavesdropping, but the urgency in her tone made him desperate to know what the fuck was going on. “I’ve been researching places. Don’t tell Michael.” She sighed. “Because he’ll tell Donovan. I want to keep this quiet as long as I can. It’s the best thing for both of us.”

  His heart pounded so hard he thought it might stop. Her voice hadn’t sounded excited, like it might if she were planning a surprise.

  She sounded resigned.

  She was leaving him.

  Stepping out of the bedroom, he put on a confident smile and walked toward the kitchen, unwilling to meet her gaze.

  “I’ll talk to you later, Lena.” Valerie hung up the phone and sighed. “First day back? How are you feeling about it? I know I’m excited to see my kids tomorrow.”

  What the fuck? She had just been planning her escape from him, but now she wanted to be conversational?

  Shrugging, he poured a cup of coffee. “It is what it is.”

  “I hope it doesn’t mess with your lieutenant exam. You know, being here with me for so long.”

  The hair on the back of his neck stood up. Why would she care?

  “It’s fine. I was needed here.”

  Warm hands slid around his waist, making him flinch. He couldn’t contain the sigh that escaped him when she pressed herself against his back, settling her cheek just between his shoulder blades. It felt so damn good to be touched by her.

  “I’m sorry I’ve been so distant. I just . . . needed time.” Her voice sent knives through his heart. If she was leaving, why do this?

  Turning, he grabbed her hips and pulled her into his arms. He held on for dear life. Hoping desperately that what he’d heard had been something else.

  Her fingers gripped the back of his shirt, digging into his skin. She tilted her face up, making a soft noise of frustration as her lips grazed his chin.

  “Donovan, kiss me, please?”

  His need for her eclipsed the desire to protect himself. Still unable to allow himself to look into her eyes, he dipped his lips to hers. The moment their mouths touched, a fire lit inside him. He wouldn’t let her go, not without one hell of a fight.

  She melted into him, all moans and harsh breaths as the kiss deepened and the passion they’d once shared began to build.

  “God, hotshot. I need you.”

  Her breathy plea sent him into overdrive. In an instant, he’d opened her robe, baring her skin to the chill of the air. Her nipples pebbled, making it impossible for him to k
eep his hands off her.

  Brushing his fingers over the soft swells of her firm breasts, he smiled at the gasp that came from her. The robe fluttered to the floor as he focused on worshiping her. He trailed his hands down her sides and around her tiny waist, cupping her ass and lifting her. Spinning them until he could settle her on the counter, he worked to keep his attention on loving her, not worrying about their future.

  “Jesus, sweetheart. I’ve missed the way your hands feel on my skin.”

  As if in answer, she wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him to her. Her fingers tugged at his shirt until he pulled it over his head and the blue fabric added to the growing pile on the floor. A shiver ran through him as she ran her nails over his defined abdominals, trailing down until they reached his belt.

  Her lips found his one tattoo, kissing the ink over his heart as she worked the leather belt open and her nimble fingers unzipped his pants. When she found him under his boxer briefs, hard and aching for her, she hesitated. Swallowing, he pushed through the haze of lust.

  “If you’re not ready—”

  She stopped him with a shake of her head as she stroked his length.

  “Oh, fuck that feels good.”

  The look of concentration on her face confused him. Did she really want this? But then her hand left his erection and she gripped him by the back of the neck, pulling him down until his lips were a breath away from hers.

  “Fuck me, Donovan.”

  Her request gave him pause as he remembered a night she’d uttered those same words just before breaking him. But, as she tightened her legs around him and ground herself on his throbbing cock, he couldn’t focus on anything but her.

  “Anything you want, sweetheart. I’m yours.”

  This time he locked eyes with her and the flare of surprise in her wide blue irises as he slipped his fingers past the barrier of her panties made him groan. She was hot and slick, ready for him.

  “You’re so fucking wet.”

  Heat filled her gaze as he moved his fingers in and out.

  “My body always wants yours.”

  Shoving his pants and boxers down his hips, he freed his erection, desperate to get inside her. He hooked his fingers in the band at the top of her underwear and without prompting, she lifted her hips high enough for him to roll the plain white cotton down her legs.

  “Open for me,” he demanded.

  As soon as she did what he asked, he was poised at her entrance, pressing inside. A fleeting thought that he was bare ran through his mind, but was quickly replaced by the grief of the last few weeks. There was no risk. That had been extinguished along with some unknown connection between them,

  “What are you waiting for?” Her question was laced with frustration.

  Forcing his thoughts back to the present, he sank inside her warmth, knowing with every breath, every moan, every keening cry, this could be the one insurmountable obstacle between them if they let it.

  ~ ~ ~

  A full week of teaching under her belt, Valerie was finally starting to feel like her old self. She and Donovan had been slowly mending, but they hadn’t fully closed the gap between them. She couldn’t figure out why he hadn’t touched her since their passionate morning over a week earlier. Staring at the mostly packed bag on their bed, she sighed and placed the last of her toiletries inside and closed the top.

  The front door closed, the sound sending a wash of excitement through her. Donovan was home. His heavy footsteps grew close as he followed his usual path to their room for the shower he always took after a twenty-four-hour shift.

  “Are you going somewhere?” His voice held a hint of anger as he stood in the doorway, eyes narrowed.

  She couldn’t contain her smile. “Yes.”

  “You planning on telling me about it?”

  “Nope.”

  He raked a hand through his hair and blew out a breath. “I don’t know what—”

  “It’s a surprise. Go shower and I’ll make us some breakfast before we leave.”

  That guarded look on his face changed into one of relief. “A surprise, huh?”

  Nodding, she crossed the room and raised up onto her toes to brush a soft kiss across his lips. Before she could move away, he had her crushed to him, one arm tight around her waist while his free hand cupped the back of her head. His kiss was fierce, needy, and heated, but just as the passion began to take control of her senses, he released her. With a cocky wink, he strolled through the bedroom and into the master bath.

  Breaths coming in short gasps, she leaned back against the doorframe. “I’ll . . . uh, I’ll be in the kitchen,” she murmured to the empty room.

  Damn, but the man knew how to rile her up.

  Ten minutes later, he stood beside her, pouring coffee into two mugs while she put the finishing touches on their scrambled eggs. It was like nothing bad had ever happened, except for the invisible barrier of tension between them.

  “So, where are we going?” he asked as he slid her mug toward her.

  “Not telling.”

  “But we’re staying overnight?”

  Her stomach flipped at the huskiness in his voice. “We are.”

  She jumped when his lips brushed the bare skin of her neck and his hand slid across her ass. “I love you. You know that, right?”

  Heart aching that he even thought he needed to ask, she took a long, deep breath. Leaning back against him, she nodded. Her throat was too tight to get words out.

  “Okay. Just so we’re clear.” His breath on her skin as he spoke sent tingles down her spine. “I’m here. I want to work on this—on us.”

  “That’s what the surprise is for.”

  He rested his chin atop her head, holding her so tightly she could feel the hammering of his heart against her back. “Then let’s get to it.”

  Chapter 6

  The soft murmur of Valerie’s voice cut into Donovan’s nightmare. He’d dreamed about the moment he’d arrived at the apartment and seen her on the floor countless times over the last month, but this one had been the worst. In the dream, he’d lost her. Lost everything. Eyes snapping open, he glanced wildly around the room, disoriented and not recognizing any of the surroundings.

  “Hey, Donovan. Wake up.” She ran her hand across his chest in wide circles as he worked to calm his erratically beating heart.

  As he came back to himself, he began to recall the bed and breakfast she’d booked for them on the North Carolina coast. “Shit, did I wake you?”

  He could feel her shrug next to him. “Yeah, but that’s not a big deal. What’s going on in that head of yours?”

  Shaking his head, he sat up, faced the window, and turned his back to her. She shouldn’t have to deal with his leftover stress. “Just a nightmare. I’m fine.” He stood, wandering across the room before stopping at the French doors that led to their private balcony. “Sun’s rising. I think I’ll go for a run on the beach. You want to come?”

  He glanced back and even in the dim light he saw her wrinkle her nose in disgust. “As a general rule, I don’t step foot out of bed until I absolutely have to.”

  “But you go to sunrise yoga.”

  “Because I have to.”

  “That’s debatable”

  “I’d be a lot less bendable if I didn’t do yoga. And I doubt you’d like that.”

  Her words sent a rush of arousal through him. He loved their flirty banter. He’d missed it.

  Walking back to her, he ran his fingers through her hair and down the column of her neck. She rose to her knees, bringing their bodies close, nearly touching. As she blinked up at him, taking her bottom lip between her teeth, he became all too aware of how much he needed her. Her hand pressed to the center of his chest, fingers sliding down the suddenly overheated skin of h
is belly.

  “Your body doesn’t seem to want to leave the bed, hotshot.”

  “You might be right.” Fuck the run, he could go later. All he wanted at the moment was to be inside his wife, worshipping her, and making her cry out his name as he reminded her how good they were together.

  ~ ~ ~

  Later that afternoon, he and Valerie walked hand-in-hand through the local downtown shops. They’d been wandering for hours, talking over coffee as they took in the beautiful beach, laughing together while picking out gag gifts for her family. It was easy for the first time in a long time, and hope grew from a spark to a small flame every time she looked at him.

  The sky had darkened to the purplish hue of twilight by the time they returned to the inn, but the wide expanse of the property was filled with hanging lights, tables, and people.

  “Oh, it’s a wedding.” Valerie’s voice carried on a romantic sigh.

  As they walked toward their private entrance, Donovan caught sight of the bride and groom, dancing on a parquet dance floor to the same song he and Valerie had shared their first dance as husband and wife.

  Taking her up in his arms, he spun her around and held her close, swaying in time to the music. She smiled, sending his heart into overdrive. When she rested her cheek on his chest, he sighed happily. This had been what they’d needed. Time away from everything else, away from the vortex of jobs and reminders of sadness. They needed to be them with no interference.

  The next morning he got up early and went for the run he’d skipped the day before, leaving his beautiful wife sleeping peacefully. The property spanned ten acres, and included a jogging path for the guests. As he came back toward the inn, he grinned, catching sight of Valerie. She sat on the deck which overlooked the gardens, her long blond hair blowing in the slight breeze. Hoping to surprise her, he walked as silently as possible toward her.

  “No, I haven’t told him.” He stilled at the frustrated tone of her voice, wondering who she was talking to. “I didn’t want to ruin things by bringing it up.”