The Surgeon's Perfect Match

by Alison Roberts

  ‘You can go home tomorrow,’ Ryan told him. ‘And back to school next week. Try and stay out of those trees for a while, though.’

  ‘I’m never going to climb trees again,’ Taylor assured his surgeon.

  ‘Never say never,’ Ryan advised. ‘You just need to be careful. Have you still got the stick?’

  ‘Yeah. I’m going to take it to school for news. It’ll be wicked!’

  Seven-year-old Hannah was still waiting for the surgery to correct the narrow portion of her aorta. That threat of a viral illness had meant postponement until it became obvious that the runny nose and cough were just a mild cold, and a dose of bronchitis or even pneumonia was not going to complicate recovery from her operation.

  Holly listened to the girl’s chest carefully but was able to voice her satisfaction.

  ‘Completely clear,’ she told Ryan. ‘Do you want another chest X-ray done?’

  ‘No.’ He turned to Hannah’s parents. ‘We’ll go ahead in the morning, then.’

  Hannah’s mother went pale but nodded bravely, and Ryan smiled at her. ‘We’ll keep her in the intensive care unit for a day or so after the surgery. I’ll get Holly to take you up there now so you’ll have an idea of what to expect.’

  ‘Now?’ Holly was dubious. It was normal practice to introduce parents to ICU staff and let them see how their child might look if they were on a ventilator or being intensively monitored because being prepared made it that much easier to cope with such a traumatic experience. But there were still several patients to see on the ward and Holly always accompanied Ryan on his rounds.

  ‘Now,’ Ryan repeated. ‘I’ll carry on here and you can catch up through the notes when you get back.’ His gaze flicked back to Hannah’s parents. ‘I’ll see you in the morning before we head off to Theatre.’

  And with that he was gone and Holly was left with the disturbing impression that something significant had changed. She tried to shake it off.

  ‘Do you want to go and watch TV for a little while, Hannah? I’m going to take Mum and Dad for a visit upstairs.’

  ‘I could draw you another picture, if you like,’ Hannah offered. ‘Did you keep that lion one?’

  ‘You bet. I’ve got it stuck to the front of my fridge.’

  ‘What would you like this time?’

  ‘How about a black panther? To go with the lion?’

  ‘Cool. I’ll have it finished when you get back.’

  Sue welcomed them into the unit.

  ‘We’ll take very good care of Hannah,’ she promised. ‘She’ll have a nurse with her the whole time.’

  ‘Are we allowed to stay with her as well?’ Hannah’s mother was looking around at all the machinery with obvious misgivings.

  ‘Of course. Let me show you the cubicle she’ll be in and the kind of monitors you can expect to see around her bed when she comes back from Theatre.’

  Sue let them stop and talk to the parents of a child who was still on a ventilator. In the event that Hannah could need support like this, talking to other parents facing the same ordeal was the best help she could offer. Sue stepped back and raised an eyebrow at Holly.

  ‘I had a visit from Ryan a little while ago.’

  ‘Oh?’ Sue’s tone warned Holly that she might not like what she was about to hear.’

  ‘He wasn’t happy.’

  ‘Oh.’ She hadn’t been imagining things during the ward round, then. And if Sue was telling her in this kind of tone, it was safe to assume that Holly was responsible for whatever it was that Ryan wasn’t happy about.

  ‘He found out that you’d put your name down for the fun run. Did you ask someone about sponsorship?’

  ‘Yes, but I told them not to say anything to anyone. I said that I was a surprise entrant. Nobody is supposed to know who the black panther is.’

  ‘I know. Someone must have squealed, though. Ryan came in here and demanded to know if it was you. I’m sorry, Holly, but I couldn’t lie. I had to say yes.’

  ‘I wouldn’t expect you to.’ Holly hadn’t lied to Ryan either, so why did she feel as though she had? ‘What did he say?’

  ‘That you hadn’t thought it through properly and I’d better take your name off the list.’

  ‘What?’

  Hannah’s parents had seen enough so there was no excuse to stay in the unit or any further opportunity to talk to Sue, but Holly was more than a little upset.

  Shades of the anger she had experienced on the day she had discovered Ryan had been planning the kidney transplant and talking to doctors behind her back resurfaced and magnified. By the time she entered the ward again, Holly was quietly seething. She could have anticipated him being over-protective and ready to do his best to talk her out of her plan to participate in the run, but to try and control her life like this was simply unacceptable.

  This was huge. The annoyance of him checking whether she was being compliant in taking her medication was nothing. Even the difference in viewpoints regarding Holly’s desire to have her own baby faded into a category of something that could be sorted out. But this! Ryan had taken on the role of a parent. One of control. Removing her right to make an independent choice and thereby removing her from a position of equality in their relationship.

  There was no question of just giving in because she loved him. Yes, she loved him more than she could find words to describe, but fighting for her independence was ingrained. It was as much a part of her as her love for children or her determination to become a skilled surgeon. If she gave in and let it go, she would be denying who she was. She would also be shoving an issue under the carpet that couldn’t fail to reappear and potentially destroy anything she and Ryan might build together.

  Ryan clearly hadn’t anticipated the level of confrontation his action had generated. The look he received from Holly made his eyebrows rise but then he frowned and looked away—a not very subtle reminder that their professional and private lives were separate.

  He tapped the set of notes he had beside him on the central desk in the nurses’ station.

  ‘I thought you might want to review the procedure we’ll be doing on Hannah tomorrow.’

  Holly stepped closer and nodded briskly. Fair enough. A personal discussion could wait until they got home. Ryan had opened the notes to find the recorded image mapping the abnormality in Hannah’s cardiac vessels.

  ‘The coarctation is located just distal to the origin of the left subclavian artery. We’ll do a left posterolateral thoracotomy through the fourth intercostal space. What nerves will be involved with the retraction of the medial pleural flap?’

  ‘Vagus and recurrent laryngeal nerves.’

  As soon as Holly’s attention was caught by following the outline of the surgical technique she knew she could cope with the tension between them, and there was relief to be found in that knowledge. Keeping things professional at work had definitely been a very sensible arrangement.

  They weren’t at work the moment they drove out of St Margaret’s staff parking lot, however, and even the few minutes of stony silence with which they had walked from the building and climbed into Ryan’s car to start the drive home had been unbearable. Holly couldn’t wait any longer.

  ‘Just what the hell did you think you were doing, Ryan?’

  ‘Sorry?’

  ‘You know perfectly well what I’m talking about. You told Sue to take my name off the fun run register.’

  ‘Don’t you think it should be me asking you what the hell you think you were doing by putting your name down in the first place?’

  ‘If you had asked,’ Holly snapped, ‘I would have told you. Trying to stop me doing something without even having the courtesy to discuss it is like a parent trying to control a two-year-old.’

  ‘I had every intention of discussing this with you, Holly. I was confident that you’d see sense and pull out so I thought I’d save you the trouble.’

  ‘Why do you think I put my name down in the first place?’

  ‘God kn
ows,’ Ryan said heavily. ‘I suspect you’re out to try and prove you’re capable of doing anything now.’

  It was close enough to the truth for his tone to inflame Holly further. The despondency with which she had left the gym earlier that day gave credence to Ryan’s obvious belief that she wasn’t capable, but that wasn’t the issue, here, was it? This was about control.

  ‘What if I was?’ Holly demanded. ‘It’s my choice, isn’t it?’

  ‘Of course it is. But you can’t expect me to stand back and do nothing if I think what you’re doing is stupid.’

  ‘Really?’ The clipped word was dripping ice. ‘If I wanted a relationship with a parent, Ryan, I would have moved in with my father.’

  They were stuck in traffic now. It was something that happened virtually every day and normally provided a chance to enjoy each other’s company. To talk. Or hold hands even. But right now Ryan’s hands were gripping the steering-wheel and his knuckles showed white. And Holly had her arms wrapped tightly around her body.

  She was hating this but there was no way out. They were trapped in the car with an almost suffocating atmosphere of conflict. It had to be sorted out.

  ‘What’s more,’ Holly added, ‘my father would be encouraging me to make the most of my life—and health. Not trying to hold me back.’

  ‘I’m not trying to hold you back. Your body’s under enough strain right now recovering from surgery.’

  ‘That’s not stopping you from doing the run.’

  ‘I was fit before I even went into surgery. I’m not trying to adjust to having a new kidney. I’m not taking a bucket of medication.’ The points on his list were fired at Holly like spears. ‘For God’s sake, Holly. You know what the odds would be for finding a replacement kidney. Why risk it?’

  Holly swallowed hard. Now she knew what had been bothering her so much. ‘Would you feel the same way if it was someone else’s kidney I was getting used to?’

  ‘What’s that supposed to mean?’

  ‘It sounds to me like you still feel some kind of ownership and that gives you the right to dictate what I can and can’t do.’

  ‘Don’t be ridiculous!’

  ‘Don’t tell me I’m being ridiculous. I won’t let you put me down like that.’ Holly’s voice had risen and she tried to lower it. ‘That’s how it feels to me. Don’t you think I know how important this kidney is better than anyone else? And, yes, we might be together because you gave it to me, but that doesn’t give you the—’

  ‘What did you say?’ Ryan’s face was expressionless as he interrupted and turned to stare at Holly. ‘What do you mean, we might be together because I gave you the kidney? Did you feel like you owed me something?’

  Oh, hell! They had just dived head first into the real issue now, hadn’t they? Holly had never seen an expression remotely like this on Ryan’s face and it was actually frightening. Her mouth went dry.

  ‘Of course I owe you something, Ryan,’ she said carefully. ‘You’ve given me my health back. A new life. But does that mean I have to get your approval for everything I want to do from now on?’

  The angry sound of more than one car horn let Ryan know that the traffic was finally moving again. They drove one block and then another in silence. It wasn’t until they joined the queue to turn right at another set of traffic lights that he finally broke the silence.

  ‘Let me get this straight. We’re together because I gave you a kidney?’

  It was what had started everything, wasn’t it? Holly couldn’t be less than honest. ‘I guess so.’

  ‘And is that the only reason?’

  ‘What? No, of course it isn’t! I love you, Ryan, you know that.’

  ‘But it’s what brought us together.’

  Holly felt as though she was being somehow derailed. Her thoughts tumbled. Something was going very wrong here. They were heading in the wrong direction. Away from any possibility of having this sorted out before they arrived home and could enjoy the dinner Jack had invited them to.

  Holly tried to focus. Ryan’s offer of a kidney had been so unexpected. And personal. Of course it had knocked her out of the professional relationship they’d had. It had made her see Ryan very differently. Made her think about him as a man and not just as a surgeon and colleague.

  ‘Yes,’ she had to admit. ‘It was certainly the catalyst.’

  ‘So, if I hadn’t given you my kidney, we wouldn’t be together now?’

  ‘I suppose not. But you set the boundaries as much as I did. I never had any idea you might be interested in me being anything other than your registrar. And I was far too sick to think about having any kind of relationship anyway.’

  ‘You started thinking about it, though, didn’t you? While you were still sick, I mean. Before the transplant.’

  The car was inching forward now and it was almost their turn to move again, but Holly wasn’t distracted. She could remember very clearly that first moment when it had occurred to her that she might be falling in love with Ryan—when she had seen his joy having just delivered the breech baby, Sophie. And it had been on the same day she’d known she was also physically attracted to Ryan. That night, when he had taken her home to meet Jack. When she had seen that photograph of Ryan in his fencing outfit and stance. Before the surgery. But after she had accepted his offer.

  ‘You kissed me,’ Holly said slowly. ‘That night you took me home. Yes, I knew there was the possibility of something happening but I was prepared to ignore it. I suspected it could be a result of the emotional side of the transplant process. I wouldn’t have acted on any of it. It was you that suggested I come to stay. It was your idea to get the tickets to Fiji.’

  They were moving again and on a road away from the main routes around the city. Ryan accelerated as they approached a hill.

  ‘So you don’t want me telling you what you should or shouldn’t be doing on the grounds of it being me that gave you that kidney, is that right?’

  ‘Would you feel the same way if it was an anonymous kidney I’d been given?’

  ‘Yes.’ But then Ryan shook his head. ‘No.’ He sighed heavily. ‘I don’t know. I suppose I do feel a personal connection. What I don’t feel is any kind of ownership. I think that impression is coming purely from you.’

  Was he right? Holly was silent as Ryan turned again, into the driveway of the old villa this time. Was he simply being protective because he loved her? It couldn’t excuse heavy-handed behaviour, though, could it?

  Neither of them made any move to get out of the car.

  ‘I think you’re with me because you feel that you owe me something,’ Ryan said flatly. ‘You refused my offer initially because you felt you’d be left with a burden of either guilt or gratitude. It was successful, thank God, so the debt is at least a positive one. I think you could be paying that debt through our relationship. You’re with me out of gratitude.’

  ‘No.’ Holly shook her head, as much to try and clear her thoughts as deny the accusation. ‘I love you.’

  ‘Do you? Are you sure it’s not gratitude? That you feel obliged to give me what I want because I gave you that kidney? You’re already resenting me caring about how you look after yourself.’

  Holly’s head wouldn’t clear. The confusion was getting worse. She had been fearful of a debt of gratitude or guilt, but that fear had been associated with a professional relationship. At the time, Holly wouldn’t have dreamed of them ever becoming this close. Of course she was grateful to Ryan. There was no way she could deny that. The fact that he had been prepared to go through so much on her behalf was a big part of who he was and what she loved about him.

  This wouldn’t be happening if the kidney had come from an anonymous donor. But if it had, she wouldn’t have had the opportunity to get to know Ryan.

  To fall in love with him.

  It was impossible to separate things. Holly could not take gratitude out of the equation any more than Ryan could remove the vested interest he would naturally have in where a part
of his body now was.

  By tacit agreement that an impasse had been reached, Ryan and Holly got out of the car and went inside.

  Jack must have noticed how quiet they both were during dinner. He said nothing, but for the first time since Holly had met Ryan’s grandfather, he looked and moved like the very old man he was. The limits of his time on earth couldn’t be ignored.

  Neither could the limits that now seemed to hang over Holly’s relationship with Ryan. The crunch came when they returned to the other half of the villa.

  ‘I think we both need a bit of space at the moment. I think it might be a good idea if you went home,’ Ryan said bluntly.

  Holly closed her eyes. She didn’t want this. Couldn’t bear it. Why had she felt so strongly about taking a stand? Or proving herself? Why on earth had she put her name down for that damned fundraising event at all?

  ‘Is that it? Are you telling me it’s over?’

  ‘Is what over?’ Ryan asked wearily. ‘The payment of your debt? Yes, it’s over, Holly. You owe me nothing. I told you that kidney came with no strings and I meant it.’ He closed his eyes as he shook his head. ‘The only way I can think to show you how much I meant it is to cut whatever strings you seem to think there might be. You’re free to do whatever you want with your body, Holly. And with your life.’

  Holly fought back tears. She moved to touch Ryan’s arm but the muscle felt as responsive as a block of wood. He was determined to take her honesty and twist it into something negative. But how could she persuade him that her feelings weren’t an extension of gratitude when she didn’t know herself where one emotional response ended and another began?

  He was right. She had felt resentful at his way of showing concern for her welfare. She had felt she was obliged to acquiesce or compromise or hide the complete truth. What sort of a basis for marriage was that?

  And what hope did they have if Ryan wasn’t prepared to talk about it?

  She was being kicked out here.

  Punished.

  Because she had put her name down for a fun run?

  Because she was grateful for what Ryan had done for her?