by Solet, Trina
"So you are seeing someone," Zack said to start things off.
Mark shook his head.
"That sure sounded like a jealous boyfriend to me," Zack pointed out.
"He isn’t my boyfriend."
"He’s someone you’re seeing, Mark," Zack said. He wanted Mark to talk to him.
"Kind of." Mark let out a breath like he was letting go of a burden.
"When I asked, you told me you weren't seeing anyone. Why did you lie?" Zack wasn’t angry though. Even when he had heard Mark deny that he was involved with anyone, Zack had known it was a lie or at least some kind of half truth, which was the same as a lie when it came down to it. He just didn’t want to think of Mark that way.
"Why didn’t you tell me the truth?" Zack pressed him. He felt sure that Mark must have a reason for shutting him out.
"Obviously, because I didn't want you to know."
That kind of answer wasn’t going to satisfy Zack. He decided to push harder.
"And you didn't think lying might jeopardize your position," Zack said though Mark’s position wasn’t in danger even a little bit.
Mark looked at him. He didn’t look worried though.
"You are not going to let this go, are you?" Mark asked him. Then he seemed to resign himself to telling Zack more. "I didn't lie. I’m not really seeing him. And I ended it. I'm sorry, I just didn’t want to face what was happening."
"I am not going to interfere or stand in the way of your social life. But if he ever comes here again, you have to tell me," Zack insisted.
"I will. I don’t think he’ll come back. But I’ll tell you if he does," Mark agreed.
"So why did you need to sneak around?" Zack asked since Mark hadn’t told him what made this relationship so problematic.
"Because I didn’t want to explain," Mark said pointedly, but Zack didn’t let him off the hook.
"What’s to explain? Who is this guy to you?"
"That’s what I don’t want to explain." But then he did. "Roy wants to be straight. He has girlfriends, but he claims that we have something unique."
"So is he bi and stringing you along? Or is he just stringing you along?" Zack asked though it probably wasn’t what Mark wanted to hear.
"I shouldn't have told you anything," Mark said in response to Zack’s bitchiness.
But Zack couldn’t help it. The idea of some guy not appreciating Mark, not thinking he was enough for him was infuriating.
"Really? You think not telling me is the answer?" Zack asked him, more mildly this time.
"You want to hear all of it?" Mark asked almost as a threat.
Zack nodded.
Mark told him that Roy was his best friend and that he was the reason Mark was thrown out of the house. It happened when they were caught together by Mark’s parents in his bedroom. Mark took all the blame. He and Roy had been drinking a little. They were fooling around when Mark’s parents walked in on them. Mark whispered to Roy, "Act drunk." And he did. Roy acted confused and out of it, and Mark admitted that he tried to take advantage of him in that state.
"You deserve better than him," Zack told him. He said it instead of cursing. He wanted to call Roy names, even hit him for what he did. He couldn’t help saying, "He should be dead to you."
"Like I am to my parents? I can't lose everything!" Mark snapped then he stopped himself almost right away. "I mean..."
"I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that. I just don’t want anyone to hurt you," Zack told him.
"I’m OK," Mark assured him.
"By offering to take the blame, were you maybe testing him?" Zack asked just as the thought occurred to him.
"No."
"Are you sure?" Zack asked because Mark didn’t sound sure.
"I wasn’t testing him, but it did turn out that way I guess. At the time, I just didn’t see why both of us had to suffer."
"Just you. What does it tell you when he didn’t have the same instinct to protect you?" Zack couldn’t help lecturing. He couldn’t imagine letting Mark take the fall in his place.
"So when you said you weren't going to interfere in my private life you meant..." Mark asked
"I'm not interfering. I'm making an observation," Zack quibbled.
"Nagging," Mark corrected him.
Though he hated being accused of something as unsexy as nagging, Zack decided not to fight the accusation.
"I nag because I care," he said instead. Zack waited. Then he prompted Mark for what he expected him to say. "Aren't you going to tell me to care a little less?
"No," Mark told him.
"Just enough to take it out of nagging range?" Zack asked still expecting to be told to mind his own business.
"Still no," Mark said instead. He had a funny look on his face. Zack frowned at him. It wasn't a happy look Mark was wearing, but there was something warm about it which was meant for Zack.
"I’m just saying that you aren't wrong," Mark told him.
"Couldn't you just say 'Zack, you're right.'?" Zack asked.
"Can I choose my own word?"
"Only if I can use selective hearing," Zack said.
Mark shook his head.
"So if I am right...?" Zack said wanting Mark to tell him more.
Mark took a long moment with his eyes closed.
"Roy hasn't been around much. A few days after months of being separated. I could give him a little of my time without even thinking about it. But he's here for the rest of the summer. I don't know how much I can give him any more," Mark explained.
Zack felt like he was avoiding the real reason he had pulled away from Roy. But instead of asking him about that, he wanted to make sure that Mark wouldn’t go back to him.
"What has he given you?" Zack asked.
"Some small piece of himself he doesn't share with anyone else," Mark said in a lifeless voice. It was like he was repeating something he no longer believed.
"So he’s sharing his tiny dick with you? I’m sure he’s sharing it plenty while away at college," Zack said bitterly. He hated to think of Mark with this guy however little he was giving him. He didn’t deserve to ever set eyes on Mark much less to sleep with him.
"OK. He's a crutch, and I got rid of him," Mark said grudgingly.
"Do you want him as just a friend?" Zack asked. He wanted to be prepared to tolerate this guy as Mark’s old friend if he had to.
"I'm not sure he is one." Mark was sad to have to say that.
"I'm sorry."
"I'm thinking that I have better friends than him. And I want to have better lovers," Mark said decisively.
"He wasn't your first was he?" Zack asked hoping Mark would say no.
"Of course he was."
"But there have been other guys," Zack said, worried that he would hear the wrong answer again.
"Yes. But no one I did it with more than a few times."
"No boyfriend?" Zack was not sure how he felt about that. Uneasy was probably the best word for it.
"I'm only nineteen," Mark said defensively.
But that was the problem. Mark was young, and he had never had a serious relationship. Zack almost wished he didn’t know that.
"Right. Sorry. I feel so old," Zack said. Actually, he felt disappointed that Mark seemed even younger to him now.
"You're old and wise," Mark told him, getting back some of his spirit and using it to hit Zack where it hurt.
"I want to be young and ...whatever. I don't care as long as I'm young."
"I'd trade places with you in a second," Mark said.
"No! And miss out on your best sex years. Shut up!"
"Look at all you have," Mark looked at Zack like he really envied him.
Zack wanted to tell him, "You can have everything I have and me too." Instead, he looked around and counted off his assets.
"I have Al, my house, my job, my friends, and I have you."
"See how lucky you are," Mark said with a sweet smile.
"You have some of that. Al and me, whatever I'm worth. Yo
u have friends. You live in my awesome house. What more do you want?" Zack asked him. He wanted Mark to say, "You."
"Then we're both lucky," Mark said with that mixture of sadness and happiness that was his specialty.
"You can count on us, you know, me and Al. We aren't going anywhere," Zack told him. He wanted to replace some if that sadness with happiness if he could.
Mark laughed at Zack’s earnestness.
"We'll be your rock," Zack told him.
Mark’s laugh settled into a smile. He looked at Zack with mostly happy tears in his eyes. Without thinking about it, Zack reached across the table and took Mark’s hands in his. He didn’t hold them for long, but he felt like he had to do it, almost like he was sealing his promise to him.
Chapter 2
Ending things with Roy made Mark feel renewed and free but a little lost too. He wasn’t sure he and Roy could go back to being friends, but he still hoped they could. It really was too much to lose him too. Mark remembered their innocent, childhood days of being best friends. Even after Mark knew he was gay, he never did anything that would disrupt his friendship with Roy. But Roy did. They were watching TV from Roy’s bed when he started touching Mark’s leg. Moving his hand higher, he was soon cupping Mark’s hardening cock. Then it was like they were wrestling. Soon Roy was unmistakably grinding against Mark. After he came, he claimed he just got overexcited because he hadn’t gotten off in a while. Each time Roy made a move on him, more and more of their clothes came off, and Roy’s excuses made less and less sense. He still made excuses anyway every time it happened until he fucked Mark. After that, Roy said they shared something that was just between them, a special bond. It didn’t make them gay. Instead of admitting the truth, Roy’s denials only changed shape.
"But I am gay," Mark told him.
Roy wanted to deny that too, pull Mark back into the closet with him. Mark didn’t let him. But Roy insisted he was straight and only needed Mark and no other guy. They were still friends until they were caught together. After that, Roy couldn’t hide their relationship behind friendship, and Mark became his secret. No one knew they still saw each other.
Mark accepted what he was to Roy .He was his outlet for pent up urges he couldn’t accept. But Roy wasn’t just horny and looking to get off. He was aroused by Mark, being near him, looking at him. Until now, Mark believed it was worth it, that he had a unique place in Roy’s life and in his heart. Mark needed to believe that and to maintain that connection with a childhood friend.
Now Mark had something else. It was Zack who made it possible for him to let go of Roy. Zack stood in contrast to Roy’s lies and insecurities. With all his flaws, Zack was perfect.
Though Mark hadn’t been completely honest with him at first, Zack was understanding about what Mark was dealing with. He didn’t feel even for a second that Zack blamed him or looked down on him. Mostly he seemed concerned, supportive.
Relieved that Zack knew the truth now, Mark felt even closer to him. He had shared more of his life with him. It was almost like they were building up their relationship. Telling each other things about their lives just seemed to happen naturally. Mark could picture Zack’s face when he confided in him. When Zack told him about his family, his eyes would soften, lose that sharp, mischievous glint. His eyes could look so different at times. Though Zack had expressive, blue eyes, they weren’t showy. They weren't the kind of eyes that say look at me. They were honest eyes with their own quiet beauty. And if Mark was happy just to be looking into his eyes and never wanted to look away, then they were more than merely beautiful.
They were finishing up breakfast when Zack turned to Mark. In an absentminded moment, Mark had been gazing at him. Having been caught at it, he looked away and hoped he wasn’t blushing. Zack was silent then he cleared his throat before he spoke.
"Starting next week, I'll be on vacation, and in your way, all day long," Zack reminded him, but Mark only smiled at the bad news. Zack had some good news too. "Yuka’s parents own this little house on the beach. I mean right on the beach. They let us use it for a week now and then. The first week of my vacation, the house is available. Some friends of theirs cancelled, and we’re in. I’m hoping you can go too," Zack said and cringed. He looked like he was afraid Mark wouldn’t be able to go.
"For a week? Unless I have a test I can’t miss, I should be able to go," Mark said.
"Find out for sure," Zack urged him like he couldn’t stand the suspense. He grabbed Mark’s forearm in his eagerness then let go. It was just a quick squeeze, over before he knew it. But Mark felt like he had to teach himself how to breathe all over again.
Mark had good news. There were no tests that week. Zack looked like he wanted to jump for joy. He didn’t, but he didn’t hide how happy he was either. Mark, on the other hand, had to suppress a shiver of anticipation at the thought of spending time with Zack on the beach. If a little touch on the arm meant so much to him, how would he deal with Zack on the beach? Images of Zack wet, sun drenched, and nearly naked flashed through his mind and made him crazy, and soon they wouldn’t be just in his imagination.
Zack was worried about Mark after he found out what happened with his friend and that he had given him up. On top of his family’s rejection, another loss must have been hard to take. Zack wanted to make sure Mark was doing OK. Seeing that he had stayed home to study the last few days, Zack urged him to go out instead.
"Go have fun," he said to him "Go out with your friends. Don’t stay cooped up in here."
"I’m studying," Mark told him with an amused look.
These days Zack was extra solicitous toward Mark. Mark must have noticed and was waiting for Zack to get over it. That’s how it seemed to Zack anyway.
"I just mean it’s good for you to get out while you can. You’re stuck with Al all day. And you’ll be stuck with us at the beach house all next week," Zack said, but then Al came into the room and jumped into the conversation.
"Dad, don’t bother Mark," Al said to him.
"I’m not," Zack assured him.
Zack thought at first that Al might keep Mark from studying in peace. He had warned him, "Al, don't bother Mark when he's studying in the evenings. Leave him alone. This is not Al time. This is Mark time." Actually, Al had been pretty good about letting Mark study. Zack was relieved because that meant that Mark didn't have to close himself up in his room to get some peace and quiet. Zack liked having him with them in the living room, even if he was busy and not interacting with them much.
"You want a drink or a snack? We have those big, fat pretzel sticks," Zack asked Mark since he was on his way to the kitchen.
"Dad, don't bother Mark when he’s studying," Al said to him even more sternly than before.
"I was just offering him..."
"This is Mark time, not Dad time. Leave him alone," Al said.
"OK." Zack put his hands up in surrender.
Mark somehow managed to keep a straight face as he thanked Al for his help.
And maybe Zack didn’t need to worry so much about Mark. He had noticed that Mark was more cheerful these days, and that was before he told him about the trip to the beach. Of course, his mood was infectious to Zack. The thought of Mark being truly happy made his heart well up with joy. Zack wondered at himself when he felt like that. His feelings for Mark were just too strong. It seemed impossible that nothing would happen between them. Here was this beautiful man in his house and in his life, fitting in like he was born to be there. Mark was wonderful in every way. He had only one flaw. He was too young. That one problem triggered every worry Zack had about bringing a man into his life with Al. He had to give Al security and permanence. Mark was just too young to make a life-long commitment to Zack and Al no matter how much he seemed to belong. Sooner or later, he would want more, he would feel trapped. Then Zack would have to deal with two broken hearts, his own and Al’s. The thought of Al’s unhappiness was unbearable. No one would break Al’s heart as long as Zack could prevent it simply by staying un
involved.
It was a few days before they would be going to the beach house. Zack had picked up Al from Little Rainbow only to be barraged with some sort of complaint against Mark.
"He picked me up, and I’m not a baby, and there was a dog," Al said, not making much sense.
"Where did Mark pick you up from? And what dog?" Zack asked.
"You’re not listening," Al accused him.
"You’re not making sense," Zack told him.
"Mark was mean!"
"You are a terrible witness for the prosecution. I’ll talk to Mark about it," Zack decided.
"Yell at him and punish him," Al said.
Zack had a suspicion that he wouldn’t be doing either to Mark, but Al was a different matter. One thing Al had made clear was that a dog was involved. That made whatever happened almost certainly Al’s fault.
When Mark came home, he was a little grumpy. He and Al glared at each other a little in a way that Zack found refreshing. After all, he was stuck with the role of designated bad guy most of the time. He liked being the good guy for a change, but he knew this reversal wouldn’t last. Al would soon be Mark’s biggest fan again. Zack followed Mark into the kitchen. Then Al joined them looking up at Zack then Mark like he was expecting fireworks. Zack decided to let Mark get some dinner and left Al to get bored and give up. Once he and Mark were alone, he invited him to talk about it.
"I heard Al’s version. Didn’t understand a word of it. I'm ready for the adult version now," Zack said and made himself comfortable at the table across from Mark.
"We were walking over by the little park with the fountain. And there was this dog," Mark started to say. He was clearly irritated over what happened. "This stupid woman had him off the leash. And this dog was not friendly even if she claimed he was. He barked and growled at Al. So I pick up Al. This dog is growling, and Al still wants to pet him! And this stupid woman just keeps saying how he’s a nice dog, a friendly dog. He growled at a little kid! That’s not friendly or nice." Mark then lowered his voice. "Al got mad at me because I wouldn't let him down, and I yelled at him. He said I shouldn't pick him up because he isn't a baby."
