Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  I followed behind Montgomery for twenty minutes and pulled into a parking lot right behind him, parking my car one space over from where he’d left his. We walked into the bar together and he led me to a small table with two chairs where we sat. In a moment a waitress appeared and asked for our order.

  Montgomery turned to the waitress and said, “I was telling my friend here about the great martinis you people make. Don’t disappoint us now.”

  “Two martinis,” she said, walking back toward the bar.

  I scanned my surroundings, taking in the low-light ambience where couples might rendezvous during a lunch hour tryst. There were booths against the back wall with just a small candle for illumination. A fat juke box sat in one corner next to a small hardwood dance floor.

  I turned to Montgomery. “Nice place,” I said. “How’d you find it?”

  “Purely by accident,” Montgomery said. “I needed to use a phone and just wandered in here about a month ago to call a tow truck. I tried their martinis while I was waiting and just came back here the next time I was looking to just get away from that bitch of a wife. At least in here I can breath, I can relax and I can think without her constant nagging. Know what I mean, Matt? Of course you do. You’re in the same boat, aren’t you?”

  “More or less,” I said. “Only my getaway involves a drive in the country, away from everyone and everything. Sometimes I just pull over on a wayside and sit and stare at the ocean until I’m calmed down.”

  “We all have our methods,” Montgomery said. “But one of these days she’s gonna push me too far and then...”

  “Then what?” I said.

  Montgomery shook his head and waved a hand in front of his face, like he was shooing a pesky fly away. “Nothing,” he said. “Just wishful thinking.”

  “And who better to share it with than another shipwrecked passenger in the same boat?” I said.

  Our drinks came and Montgomery handed one to me, holding his glass up in a toast. I clinked glasses with him and heard his say, “To payback. It’s just like my wife...a bitch.”

  “Now who’s got the clever sayings?” I said, clinking his glass and upending my drink. We both finished our drinks in one big gulp and flagged the waitress down for another round.

  She brought two more drinks and set them in front of Montgomery. He pulled a couple more bills from his wallet and turned to the waitress and said, “Just keep ‘em coming, honey, until I say when.” He tucked a five-dollar bill into her neckline and she smiled.

  “Yes, sir,” she said, hurrying back to the bar for the next round.

  I counted twelve martini glasses on our table and it was sneaking up on four o’clock. Montgomery waved for the waitress. I pulled his arm down again.

  “That’s all for me,” I said.

  “Oh, just one more,” Montgomery insisted.

  “But this’ll have to be the last one,” I insisted. “I still have to drive home after this. Which reminds me, I’d better visit the can once more before I leave.”

  “You must have a bladder the size of a peanut,” Montgomery said. “This is the third time you’ve gone to the can since we got here.”

  “I didn’t know you were keeping tabs,” I said.

  The waitress approached our table just as I got up to leave for the bathroom. I turned back to Montgomery. “Save my place, I’ll be right back.”

  I quickly stepped into the men’s room and locked myself in a stall. I’d learned an old trick years ago that kept me out of a lot of trouble. Back at our table, whenever Montgomery excused himself to go to the washroom or when his attention was diverted elsewhere in the bar, I used the opportunity to empty my glass on the floor beneath me or into a potted plant. Between that and this trick I managed to stay in control of my senses. I lifted the toilet lid and stuck my finger down my throat, emptying my stomach of its contents, which included the last martini. I’d found that by doing this several times during the night that I didn’t get nearly as drunk as the person I was with. This came in handy when I needed to keep my senses about me while trying to break down my adversary’s resistance. I flushed, stepped over to the sink and splashed water on my face, rinsing out my mouth in the process. I tidied my hair, straightened my shirt out and exited the restroom. Montgomery was still sipping from his last round our drinks as I approached.

  “What’d I miss?” I said, picking up my martini glass and pretending to sip.

  “Not a thing,” Montgomery said, sipping from his own glass.

  I set my drink down and laid a hand on Montgomery’s forearm. “Earlier today you said something that got me thinking,” I said.

  “What was that?” Montgomery said.

  I pretended to think about my answer. “You said you wished you were single again.”

  “And I meant it,” Montgomery said. “It’s not for lack of trying, either.”

  “What do you mean?” I said.

  Montgomery was slurring his words now. “That bitch must have a horseshoe up her ass. Twice now she managed to dodge the bullet.”

  “A bullet?” I said. “You shot at her?”

  “Naw,” he said. “That’s just a spigger of feech, I mean a figure of speech. No, I didn’t shoot at her. But man she just missed gettin’ run down a couple of weeks ago.”

  “Accident?” I said.

  “‘Spose to look like one,” Montgomery said. “And then last week she moved at the last second and just missed getting squashed on the street.”

  “What?” I said. “Did you say squashed? How does someone get squashed on the street?”

  “That bitch is so predictable,” Montgomery explained. “I knew where she’d be and when and all I had to do was wait for her.”

  “Wait where?” I said.

  “At the bus stop,” Montgomery said. “I knew she’d be standing in that same spot like she always does. All I had to do was be waiting on the roof right over her head and drop that cement gargoyle down on her head.”

  “Really?” I said. “Where the hell did you find a gargoyle?”

  “They’re all across the top of that building where she waits for the bus,” Montgomery explained. “I just came the night before and loosened up the one that would be right about where she always stands. I pulled it up onto the roof and then came back the next day and just waited. When I looked down and saw her standing there, I just heaved it over the side.”

  “And you missed her,” I said.

  “Not by much,” he said. “If she hadn’t moved at the last second I’d be a free man now and she’d be taking up space at the cemetery.”

  I twisted my wrist and glanced at my watch. “Gees,” I said. “I gotta get going. I have to be in Hollywood for supper and I still haven’t showered or changed clothes.” I stood up next to the table and extended my hand to Montgomery. He took it and pumped it vigorously. “Thanks for the drinks,” I said. “Next time you gotta let me buy.”

  “You’re on,” Montgomery said. “Say, when are you going to the track next?”

  “I don’t know,” I said. “I was thinking about this weekend, but I’m not sure. I have to check with my wife. She has the social schedule.”

  “Now there’s a phrase I don’t use if I can help it,” Montgomery said.

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “I’ll have to check with my wife.” He laughed. “That would be the day that I’d have to check with her. Besides, after this weekend it won’t matter either way.”

  “Huh?” I said.

  “If everything goes right,” he said, “I’ll be a free man come Monday.”

  “What do you mean?” I said, sitting again and leaning in toward Montgomery.

  Montgomery looked around the room, saw no one in the immediate are and turned back to me. He leaned in close and said, “Ain’t no way I’m gonna miss a third time,” he said. “Saturday’s my last day under that bitch’s thumb. I’ll make sure she doesn’t have a pulse come Sunday.”

  “How you gonna do that?” I said.r />
  Montgomery straightened up in his chair. “You’ll see,” he said smugly.

  “Hey,” I said. “Any chance your method would work for me, too?”

  Montgomery laughed. “You want out, too, don’t you? Well, if this works out like I think it will, I’ll help you do yours, too, okay?”

  “Man, that would be too much to hope for,” I said. “I’d really appreciate that, but you gotta let me help you with yours. It’s only fair.”

  Montgomery thought for a moment. “You sure you want to?”

  “Hey,” I said. “We’re in the same boat, remember? I want to help. I have to help. Whaddya say?”

  Montgomery bit his knuckle and then pulled it out of his mouth, snapping his fingers sharply in front of me. “Okay,” he said. “You meet me behind the bar on Cahuenga and Franklin Saturday morning at exactly ten-thirty. I’ll explain the rest when you get there.”

  I smiled widely and clapped my hands together once, rubbing them back and forth like a fly appreciating a cube of sugar. “Thanks, Clark,” I said. “Thanks a lot. I’ll be there. You can count on me.”

  I stood and turned for the door but looked back once more before exiting to the street. I made a circle with my thumb and index finger and flashed the OK sign at Montgomery before closing the door behind me.

  I hurried out to my car and drove directly to Hollister’s office at the twelfth precinct. I pulled into the parking lot behind the police building just as Dan was coming out. His shift ended at five o’clock and I’d caught him walking toward his car. I pulled up alongside him, rolled my window down and smiled broadly.

  “Hi, buddy,” I said, slurring my words somewhat. “Say, can you tell me what time the six forty-seven gets in from Pittsburgh?”

  Dan leaned in closer and smelled my breath. “You’re lucky I don’t run you in for drunk driving,” Dan said.

  I straightened up immediately and spoke in my normal voice. “Don’t worry,” I said. “I’m as sober as you are...well almost.”

  “And you just dropped by to tell me that?” Dan said.

  “No,” I said. “I just came from having a few drinks with Clark Montgomery. Interested?”

  Dan hurried around to the passenger side of my car and slid in beside me. “Come on,” he said, “Spill.”

  I pulled into one of the parking spaces and shut the car off, turning in my seat toward Dan. “It was him,” I said. “Both times, and he told me he’d missed both times but that he wasn’t gonna miss the next time.”

  “There’s gonna be a next time?” Dan said. “When?”

  “This Saturday morning,” I explained. “I talked him into letting me help him.”

  “Do what?” Dan said.

  “Kill his wife,” I said.

  “And why would he tell you about it?” Dan said.

  “Because he thinks I have the same problem with my wife,” I said.

  “You wife?” Dan said. “You don’t have a wife.”

  “I know that,” I said. “But he doesn’t. He thinks I’m gonna help him kill his wife and then he’ll offer to help me kill mine. Only we are going to be there to stop him. Attempted murder will still get him off the streets without hurting Mary. And I’m sure she’ll appreciate it, too.”

  “Where’s this gonna happen?” Dan said.

  “I’m meeting him behind a bar on Cahuenga and Franklin Saturday morning at ten-thirty,” I said. “That’ll give you plenty of time to get set up near there and catch him in the act.”

  “And how are you gonna make sure Mary doesn’t get killed for real?” Dan said.

  “I haven’t figured that part out yet,” I said. “Wanna help me out here? I could use a little input.”

  “We have two and a half days,” Dan said. “We’ll come up with something. Do you know how he’s going to do it?”

  I shook my head. “Nope,” I said. “He didn’t say and I didn’t want to push it. We’ll have to improvise Saturday when we find out.”

  “It’ll be risky,” Dan said. “The more we know the more we can prepare.”

  “I don’t know what else to tell you,” I said. “That’s all I know so far.”

  Dan got out of my car, leaned in at the window and said, “I have some preparations to make,” he said. “I’ll call you tomorrow and let you know what we’ve come up with. Thanks, Matt. Good job.”

  I looked at Dan and said, “See, now, if only I’d gotten a few ‘good jobs’ or ‘attaboys’ from you back when I was on the force I might have...” Before I could finish my sentence Dan had already walked away, back toward the precinct.

  I drove back to my office and made a call to Mary Montgomery. She answered in a cheerful voice.

  “Mary,” I said. “I met with Clark today and I think we need to talk. Do you want to come to my office? I can’t very well come there. Clark has seen me now.”

  “When would you like to see me?” Mary said.

  “It’s kind of late today,” I said. “Can you get away for a while tomorrow morning, or would the afternoon work better for you?”

  “That depends on how long you think it might take,” Mary said.

  “Oh, I think fifteen or twenty minutes should do it,” I said.

  “In that case,” she said, “how’s ten-thirty tomorrow morning?”

  “Perfect,” I said. “See you then. You sure you can get away without Clark getting suspicious?”

  “No problem,” Mary said. “He doesn’t seem to care where I go or what I do anymore. He’ll probably be at that damned racetrack again by ten tomorrow.”

  “Great,” I said. “See you tomorrow.” I hung up the phone, locked up my office and drove home. It had been a long day and I had no idea what Clark Montgomery had in mind for us, or for Mary for that matter, on Saturday, so there was no way I could even prepare for it.

  Mary showed up Thursday morning on time and took a seat across from my desk. I offered her a cup of coffee, but she declined, wanting instead to get right to the matter at hand.

  “I can’t tell you much,” I said. “Clark didn’t tell me what he has in mind for you. All he could tell me was that I am supposed to meet him behind a bar on Cahuenga and Franklin at ten-thirty Saturday morning. Ring any bells?”

  Cahuenga and Franklin,” Mary said, trying to make a connection. “That’s just a block away from where I was nearly run down last month. What makes him so sure that I’ll be there at that particular time?”

  “You had no plans on being there?” I said.

  “None,” Mary assured me.

  “That can only mean that he’s either going to call you himself or have someone else call you and tell you to be there at that time,” I said. “As soon as you get a call like that, call me at this number and I’ll make sure everyone’s in place for the meeting.”

  “What if the call comes after you’ve already left for your meeting with Clark?” Mary said.

  “I hadn’t considered that,” I said. “If he has someone else make the call while he’s getting into position, there’s no way you’ll be able to let me know. You’ll be on your own.”

  Mary looked a little worried.

  “You don’t have to do this,” I said. “We can find another way to bring him in.”

  Mary shook her head. “No,” she said. “If he even suspects that I’m on to him, he’ll back off and we might not get another shot at this. No, I have to see this through no matter what.”

  “We’ll protect you as best we can,” I assured her, but you’ll have to be on the lookout for anything or anyone. Don’t take any chances, you understand?”

  Mary nodded. “Don’t have to worry about me,” she said. “I want him for this, but I don’t want him bad enough to die for.”

  “Good girl,” I said, patting Mary on her shoulder. “Let’s get out there and put Clark where he belongs.”

  For the next day and a half I got caught up on the paperwork from a couple of my recent cases. On Friday I took in a movie. I went to Grauman’s Chinese Theater on Hol
lywood Boulevard and saw John Wayne in Fort Apache. I guess it must have been all that talk with Montgomery about Shirley Temple and Seabiscuit rolling around in the back of my mind because there she was in this movie as well. I found it odd seeing her as an adult and wasn’t sure I liked her in these kinds of roles. Her recent husband, John Agar had a role as a second lieutenant and the son of Ward Bond’s character. The usually light and easy-going Henry Fonda played a bit of an arrogant officer with a big ego. I didn’t like seeing him in this kind of a role, either.

  But the main reason I came to this particular movie was because of John Wayne, one of my favorite actors, next to Humphrey Bogart. Wayne never let me down in all the movies I’d seen with him in the past and this was no exception. By the time I’d left the theater, I’d decided that I liked the movie.

  The following morning I was up and shaved and had my breakfast put away by eight o’clock. I called Dan to find out a little more about his plans of backing me up in my meeting with Clark Montgomery. He didn’t have a solid plan, but he did assure me that he and several plain-clothes officers would be in the immediate area around the time of my meeting.

  “I can’t tell you any more than that,” Dan said. “We’ll have to wing it somewhat, since we don’t know what he has planned for Mary. Just be ready make your move when the time comes.”

  “That’s pretty much what I told Mary we’d do,” I said. “And she’s still willing to put herself out there to help us catch him in the act.”

  “I’m leaving now,” Dan said. “We want plenty of time to get into position.”

  “Now there’s a part of police work that I don’t miss, the stakeouts,” I said. “My knees cramp up just thinking about kneeling on some rooftop for two hours. I don’t know how you can still do it, Dan. You’re older than I am.”

  “Only by eight months, Matt,” Dan said. “Besides, I have a small, portable folding stool I can sit on. My knees will be fine.”

  I looked at my watch. It was creeping up on nine o’clock. “I’d better get going,” I said. “I still have a few preparations of my own to take care of before I meet with Montgomery. Wish me luck.”

  “Luck nothing,” Dan said. “You just be careful and don’t take any crazy chances with this guy.”