Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “My major what?” Gloria said.

  “Your major in college,” I said. “What course were you aiming for?”

  “Social work,” Gloria said. “Can you believe it? Me, a bleeding heart who ended up kicking ass and taking names. Who’d have thought?”

  Gloria and I talked for a while longer and before we knew it the conductor was calling, “Board.” I grabbed out suitcases and followed Gloria to the train. She stepped up onto one of the cars and reached out for her suitcase. I handed it to her and grasped the handrail to pull myself up. I followed her through the car, looking for our seats. Gloria stopped and slid her suitcase under her seat and I did the same with mine. We sat facing each other, glancing sideways out the window. Ten minutes later the conductor yelled, “All aboard” and the train lurched forward.

  We stared out the window, watching the urban scenery pass by but soon tired of seeing sights we saw every day. We settled back into our seats and sighed. I checked my watch. It was just six-thirty and we had possibly another five and a half hours to kill before our meeting with Ernie. I rose somewhat from my seat, swiveled and turned, sitting back down next to Gloria. She looked at me strangely.

  “I can’t ride facing backwards,” I said. “It’s a bit disorienting.”

  Gloria slid away from me, closer toward the window, giving me a little more room.

  I made an exaggerated gesture of sniffing under my armpit. “Is it me?”

  Gloria chuckled and shook her head. “Just giving you a little space,” she explained.

  “Well, that’s a relief,” I said.

  “What is?” She asked.

  “I thought my eighteen hour deodorant protection had worn off and I only applied it three hours ago,” I said.

  “No, you’re fine,” Gloria said.

  “So, now what?” I said.

  “Huh?” Gloria said.

  “I mean, it’s my first train trip and all,” I explained. “You think you might like to learn a couple new card games?”

  That jogged Gloria’s memory and she reached under her seat and came up empty. She slapped her forehead. “My laptop,” she said. “I left it in the Jeep, in the open Jeep. I guess I can kiss that computer goodbye.”

  “Well then it looks like you’re stuck with real cards,” I said. “And with me.”

  Gloria looked out the window and didn’t see anything interesting and turned back to me. “Sure,” she said. “Why not?”

  “Does riding backwards bother you?” I said.

  “What?” Gloria said.

  “I was just thinking,” I said. “If it doesn’t bother you, maybe you could sit across from me while we play. It’ll be a lot easier that way.”

  Gloria shrugged and switched over to the opposite bench seat, pulling the folding table top, which had been up against the train’s outer wall, out between us. She propped it up with a leg that was folded up under the surface of the table.

  I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out a brand new deck of cards with the cellophane still on the box. I pulled the red tab, much the same way smokers pull the cellophane tab to open a fresh pack of cigarette. I peeled it all the way around and slid the rest of the cover off the pack. As I was opening the box I glanced over Gloria’s shoulder at a guy sitting several rows further down the car and across the aisle. He had one of those hats that you see yachting geeks wearing. It had a leaping marlin emblem on the front and a shiny black visor. Brown hair peeked out from under the hat. The man had a full beard and was wearing large sunglasses. The ensemble looked out of place with a bright yellow polo shirt and tan slacks. He had a magazine folded open and he appeared to be reading from it.

  “What are you looking at?” Gloria said.

  “Don’t turn around,” I said, “But there’s a guy several rows behind you who looks a little strange. I guess I’m just a people watcher at heart.”

  “Is he doing anything strange?” Gloria said.

  “Not really,” I said.

  “Then don’t stare at him,” Gloria said. “Let’s just play cards, all right?”

  I took one last look at the man before I began shuffling the cards. I dealt five cards to each of us and set the rest of the deck down on the tabletop. I became absorbed in the finer details of the game and explaining to Gloria the ranks of every combination of cards. I laid out a pair of Jacks and she laid out three threes, smiling when she realized that her three lower cards had beat my two higher cards.

  When I looked over Gloria’s shoulder again, the man in the yachting cap was gone and I didn’t give him another thought. It only took half a dozen hands for Gloria to tire of Poker. I switched to Gin Rummy and she caught on to that game immediately. By the fourth hand she had Gin and now even I was tiring of cards.

  “Had enough?” I asked.

  She nodded. “For now,” she said. “We’re far enough out of town now that the scenery is beginning to get interesting. Mind if we just sit quietly for a bit?”

  “You go ahead,” I said. “I’m going to find the rest room. I’ll be right back.”

  I got up from my side of the seat and walked up the aisle. At the end of the car, I opened the connecting door and stepped over to the next car. I had to traverse two more cars before I found one with rest rooms in it. The door to the men’s room was locked with a small sign that had slid to the right. It read, ‘Occupied’ so I stood there waiting my turn. A minute later the door opened and a man wearing a bright yellow shirt and tan slacks emerged.

  The clothes seemed familiar, but this man was blonde, clean-shaven, except for a bushy mustache and had no hat. He was, however, wearing a large pair of sunglasses. He was carrying a brown paper bag under one arm. He excused himself as he squeezed by me.

  I used the facilities and returned to my seat. Gloria was still staring out the window when I sat back down. I tapped her on the knee.

  “The strangest thing just happened,” I said.

  “What’s that?” Gloria said, turning away from the window to face me.

  “I ran into a guy coming out of the men’s room and he was wearing similar clothes to the man who was sitting behind you a while ago,” I said. “Different hair, and no beard, but same kind of sunglasses.”

  “And from this you deduced?” Gloria said.

  “Maybe nothing,” I said. “I just found it peculiar that the shirt and slacks looked the same on both men. Hell, maybe I’m imagining something that’s nothing. I don’t know.”

  “Are you gonna be here for a while?” Gloria asked.

  “Sure. Where else am I going to go?” I said. “Why?”

  “Because I need to find the ladies room,” Gloria explained. “Keep an eye on our luggage, would you?”

  I nodded, said nothing and turned to watch the scenery speed by my window.

  Gloria found the ladies room, spent a few minutes in it and emerged refreshed. When she stepped out of the small lavatory there was a man waiting outside the door. He had a bald head, mostly covered by a plaid snap-brim hat and large tortoise shell glasses. He wore a goatee with hair an inch long around the mouth and two inches long beneath his chin. He could have passed for a reformed biker had it not been for the bright yellow Polo shirt and tan slacks. The combination registered with Gloria. She’d just heard Elliott describe two men who’d been wearing that same outfit. She gave the man a second glance and he noticed.

  “Hello,” he said, and smiled at Gloria.

  “Hello yourself,” she answered.

  The man removed his hat, exposing his shiny bald head, which he nodded at Gloria. “Excuse me,” he said. “Didn’t I see you in the other car earlier?”

  “I don’t know,” Gloria said. “Did you?”

  “Sure,” he said. “You were sitting with another gentleman playing cards.”

  “Okay,” Gloria said, trying to squeeze past him to get back to her seat. “Would you please let me by?” Gloria said.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” the man said, sucking in his stomach and flattening himsel
f against one wall. “If I’m not mistaken, the man you’re sitting with is a Mr. Cooper, is he not?”

  Gloria stopped and turned back to the man. “He is,” she said. “Do you know him?”

  “I know of him,” the man said. “Isn’t he a private investigator?”

  “Who wants to know?” Gloria said suspiciously.

  “Excuse me,” the man said. “Where are my manners? My name is Ernie Ballard.”

  That got Gloria’s attention. “You’re Ernie Ballard?” she said.

  “I was the last time I checked,” the man said.

  “You’re the man Elliott and I are supposed to meet,” Gloria said.

  “You?” Ernie said. “I only asked to meet with Elliott. Why did he bring you along on this meeting?”

  “Because I’m…” Gloria stopped herself and finished with, “I’d better let Elliott explain that to you. Would you like to come back to our seat with me, Mr. Ballard?”

  “Yes I would,” Ernie said.

  Gloria took two steps and then stopped in the aisle, turning toward Ernie. “Let me ask you something,” Gloria said. “This yellow shirt and those tan slacks, have you been wearing them all along?”

  Ernie looked down at his clothes, “Yes. Why?”

  “Because Elliott has seen two other men with the same outfit on,” Gloria said. “Only they had different faces and different hair. Were those other men both you?”

  “I’d better talk with Elliott about that,” Ernie said, giving Gloria a taste of her own evasive attitude.

  As Gloria returned to our seats, I noticed a man following her. The yellow shirt and tan slacks were the giveaway and I immediately knew I’d been had. This face had no sunglasses, long hair or hat to disguise his features. He did have the goatee, but this could only be Ernie Ballard. I stood as they approached.

  “I assume this is Ernie,” I said to Gloria. I turned to Ernie and extended my hand. “Ernie, I’m Elliott Cooper. What is all this about?”

  Ernie shook my hand and then gestured toward the seat. “Please Elliott,” Ernie said. Sit down, relax. We’ve got plenty of time to talk. My goodness, look at you. Fit as a fiddle and ready for love.” He looked over at Gloria and smiled.

  Gloria held up one hand. “Hold on,” she said. “This isn’t, I mean, we’re not…”

  “Ernie Ballard,” I said. “This is Gloria Campbell, my new partner, but it looks like you two have already met.”

  “I bumped into her outside the lavatory,” Ernie said, “But we weren’t formally introduced.” He turned to Gloria. “How do you do, Miss Campbell?”

  Gloria rolled her eyes and looked at me before sitting across from me again. “Ernie wasn’t expecting you to bring anyone else along,” she said. “And I have a sneaking suspicion that the other two guys you saw in the same shirt and slacks were both Ernie.” She turned to Ernie. “Am I correct, Mr. Ballard?”

  “Guilty as charged,” Ernie said, still standing face to face with me.

  I stepped out into the aisle and gestured toward my seat. “Come on,” I said. “Join us and we can get up to speed with what this whole thing is about.”

  Ernie slipped past me and sat facing Gloria. I slid in next to him. “Now what’s all this secrecy about, and why the disguises? What is it you want me to do for you?”

  “Whoa,” Ernie said. “One question at a time. All this secrecy is about two guys following me and the disguises have helped me elude them so far. As for what I need you to do for me, well, what I need is someone I can rely on if it gets any stickier than it already is.”

  “Okay,” I said. “I’ll bite. Why are two guys following you?”

  Ernie shot a quick glance across to Gloria and then at me.

  “It’s all right,” I said. “Whatever you have to tell me you can tell us. We’re a team.”

  Gloria smiled and gave me a wink.

  Ernie hesitated for a moment and then said, “I had a guy and his lawyer come into my office a while back looking for bail money. He shouldn’t have gotten bail at all, but his slick lawyer pulled a few strings and got the judge to set bail. I took on the client and two days later he skipped town.”

  “How much was the bail?” Gloria said.

  “A million and a half,” Ernie said. “The hundred fifty grand didn’t mean much to this guy, since it wasn’t his money, but I couldn’t afford to stand a loss like that, so I tracked him down and brought him in. He was convicted and got a sentence of twenty-five years, but at least I didn’t lose my bail money.”

  “Gees,” I said. “What’d he do to get bail set that high and how bad must it have been to get twenty-five years out of it?”

  “Murder,” Ernie said. “This guy thought he’d stand trial for manslaughter because he didn’t think there were any witnesses, but someone came forward and this guy got the book thrown at him.”

  “How could he think he’d just get manslaughter?” Gloria said.

  Ernie shifted in his seat and tugged at his collar. “This guy,” Ernie stopped. “I don’t know why I keep calling him ‘this guy’. His name was Mickey Galloway.”

  “Galloway,” I said. “The name rings a bell.”

  “It should,” Ernie said. “His partner, Leon Drummond was found decapitated out in the desert shortly after Galloway’s initial arrest. Speculation was that Drummond had also witnessed the murder and was about to spill what he knew to the district attorney.”

  “Who did this Galloway character kill?” Gloria said.

  “Some small-time hood named Jimmy Doyle,” Ernie said. “The two of them were on the roof of the Sanders Building and Doyle took a header down to the street from sixteen floors up. Galloway claimed they were fighting and Doyle tripped on an antenna wire and fell off. Truth was that Galloway and Drummond threw Doyle off that roof. Well, the D.A. put the squeeze on Drummond and flipped him. He was going to turn state’s evidence in exchange for immunity. Obviously, he never got to enjoy that immunity.

  Galloway also didn’t know that someone else had seen what happened that night. That someone was a little old lady who lived three floors up and across the alleyway and saw Galloway and Drummond giving Doyle that flying lesson.”

  “And who does that leave?” I said. “I mean Drummond is dead and Galloway is in prison, so who’s after you?”

  Ernie looked up and down the aisle and then leaned in to me. I leaned in toward him and Gloria followed suit.

  “Galloway’s out,” Ernie said. “He escaped five days ago. Before they hauled him off to prison he swore he’d get me for bringing him back to court. And you know what? I believe he meant it. That’s why I need you. I want to recapture Galloway.”

  “And take him back to court?” I said.

  Ernie shook his head. “No,” he said. “I couldn’t take the chance that he’d escape again and come after me. No, I don’t want to have to be looking over my shoulder for the next twenty-five years.”

  Gloria almost whispered, “Are you saying what I think you’re saying?”

  Ernie threw up his hands. “I’m not saying anything,” he told us. “All I want you for is to help me capture him. After that your part is done. He’s my problem after that.”

  “Let me guess,” I said. “Galloway never makes it back into custody.”

  Ernie turned his head and stared out the window.

  “I can’t speak for Elliott,” Gloria said, “But you can count me out. I don’t want any part of this whole thing.”

  I laid my hand on Ernie’s knee. “I’m afraid you’ll have to count me out as well,” I told him. “There’s too much at stake here and I’m not going to risk either of our lives or my business. Why don’t you just let the feds go after him?”

  “Because Galloway didn’t say he was coming after the feds,” Ernie said. “He’s coming after me.”

  “Still,” I said. “What you’re asking of us is illegal.”

  “No it’s not,” Ernie said. “All you’d be doing is helping me capture him. And that’s all perfectly
legal, not to mention profitable for you.”

  “But if you do to him what I think you’re planning, we’d be accessories after the fact,” I said.

  The train was pulling into Barstow just as I glanced out the window. There were several people standing on the platform waiting to board. A quick glance at my schedule told me that we wouldn’t be here long enough to get off and walk around for a while. Barstow was one stop short of the mid-point and I wondered if Gloria and I could get off and take the next train west. I checked my schedule again and learned that the next train west wouldn’t be through Barstow for several hours. It was after ten o’clock and I was tired. Gloria and I decided to stay on the train and just make the return trip from Winslow.

  “So that’s it, I guess,” Ernie said, rising from the bench seat and squirming past me to the aisle. “I might as well get off here.”

  “What’ll you do now?” Gloria said. “Where will you go from here?”

  “Anywhere other than back to my office,” Ernie said. “That would be the first place they’d look for me. No, I’d better just keep moving and hopefully I’ll spot him before he spots me. Thanks anyway, Elliott.”

  Ernie shook my hand and turned to Gloria. “It was nice meeting you, too,” he said.

  “Good luck,” Gloria told him. “And watch your back.”

  “Thanks,” Ernie said. “I’ll do that.”

  Ernie walked up the aisle and disappeared out to the space between cars. He stepped down onto the platform and walked past our window, waving as he walked by. I looked up, toward the station and saw a man in a dark suit. He seemed to be waiting for someone. As Ernie walked by the man raised his hand and pointed. From somewhere behind Ernie a small boy came running and leapt into the man’s arms.

  “Daddy,” the kid shouted as the man spun him around and set him down again.

  Gloria and I breathed easier when the man in the dark suit walked away holding the little boy’s hand. The two of them met up with a woman and the three of them walked to a waiting car.

  “I wouldn’t want to be in Ernie’s shoes,” I said. “Life is stressful enough without having to watch out for everyone else in this world.”

  The train started to pull out again. I glanced out the window one more time and could see Ernie a few dozen feet down the platform. Without warning he started to run and in a second I could see why. There were two men in hot pursuit and closing fast. The three men disappeared from my view and I quickly stood, hoping to see where they went. The train was too far away from the station and I couldn’t see any further than the end of the car I was in.