Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Gloria pulled a pack of frilly stationery out of the second bag and held it up. “Any objections if I use this for my correspondence?”

  “I hope you kept the receipt for all of this stuff,” I said, accenting ‘stuff’ with a bit of disdain. “Is this what your other office looked like?”

  “Well, not exactly,” Gloria said.

  “Not exactly,” I repeated. “And let me guess why. Your dad didn’t want that image for his office, either, right?”

  Gloria shrugged. “No, he wasn’t crazy about it, either.”

  “Good,” I said. “I’m glad we got this out of the way and we’ll never have to have this conversation again.”

  Gloria packed all of her purchases back into the bags and set them by the door. She took a deep breath, let it out and then said, “So, what have we got going today?”

  I picked up the note I’d made earlier today when I’d taken a call this morning. I held the note out toward Gloria and she took it from me, slowly reading it. When she finished, she handed it back to me.

  “This is a joke, right?” Gloria said. “Violet Rutherford? Are you kidding me?”

  “That’s her real name,” I said. “I laughed, too, when she first told me her name, but she was born Violet Schwartz. She couldn’t help falling in love with a man named Rutherford, could she?”

  “Well, why the hell didn’t she keep her maiden name when she married this dork?” Gloria said. “She had to know what people were going to say when she introduced herself.”

  “I guess she just hoped that most people wouldn’t be familiar with that obscure character from the old Leave It To Beaver television show from the fifties,” I said.

  “She must have forgotten about perpetual reruns,” Gloria said. “I hope you’re not going to tell me that her husband’s name is Fred.”

  “No,” I said, half laughing. “It’s Lumpy.”

  One of Gloria’s eyebrows shot up while the other stayed flat.

  “Oh, all right,” I said. “So it’s not Lumpy. Pardon me for trying to interject a little humor into your day.”

  “So, when were you planning on seeing this woman?” she said, completely ignoring the ‘Lumpy’ remark.

  “Actually,” I said, handing the note back to her, “I thought you could stop by and talk with her. This is more your kind of case, don’t you think?”

  “Why?” Gloria said. “Because it’s a woman and she wants someone to tail her wandering husband?”

  “Well, you have to admit,” I said. “You’d be less conspicuous following her husband around than I would. Besides, in order to get the goods on the guy, sometimes it becomes necessary to come on to him and how would it look if I came on to Mr. Cheating Husband? I ask you.”

  “All right,” Gloria said. “That last one was a valid point, I have to admit. But what if he turns out to be Quasimodo? You think I’m going to come on to someone like that?”

  “Just play it by ear,” I said. “If he’s not exactly your type, just follow him around and report his actions back to the wife. If you think you can convince him to break his wife’s heart in your presence, so much the better for our case.”

  Gloria looked down at the note again. “So when does she want us, er, me, to start on this?” she said.

  “Tonight would be soon enough,” I said. “He has his regular night out with the boys tonight at Stellar Lanes over on Pico Boulevard. You know anything about bowling?”

  “Two-fifty,” was all Gloria said.

  “Is that the time you expect to nail him or the fee you plan on charging this woman?” I said.

  “It’s my average score in bowling,” Gloria explained. “Didn’t I mention that when I applied for this job?”

  I shook my head. “Nope, you left that part out. You did mention the sharpshooting and the Tae-Kwan-Do skills, along with the master-of-disguise honors.” I stepped over to my filing cabinet, pulled open the top drawer and withdrew the personnel file I had on Gloria. I laid her application on my desk, pulled out my pen, clicked it with a flourish and wrote, ‘two-fifty, average bowling score’ on it. I unclicked my pen, dropped it in my pocket and returned the paper to Gloria’s file, closing the filing cabinet after all of that. “There, now your file is updated.”

  Gloria rolled her eyes and took her seat behind her desk. “Men,” she said, under her breath. Then she took my note, unfolded it on her desk and pulled out a pen of her own. “So, what is Mr. Cheating Husband’s first name anyway?”

  “Lloyd,” I said. “And he’s forty-five, in case that was going to be your next question.”

  “Lloyd Rutherford,” she said under her breath as she wrote the name on the note. “And how will I know him when I see him?”

  “Mrs. Rutherford will fill you in on all that when you meet with her,” I explained. “Lloyd won’t be home from work until shortly after six p.m. so you can call her anytime between now and then to set up a meeting. Have fun.”

  Gloria picked up her phone and dialed the number on the note I’d given her. Mrs. Rutherford picked up on the second ring.

  “Hello,” Violet said.

  “Hello,” Gloria responded. “Mrs. Rutherford?”

  “Yes,” Violet said.

  “Mrs. Rutherford, this is Gloria Campbell at the office of Cooper Investigations,” Gloria said in her most professional voice. “I understand you’d like to talk with me about a surveillance job.”

  “That’s right,” Violet said. “Could we meet somewhere this afternoon, let’s say around two?”

  “Yes, I can work you in at two,” Gloria said.

  I smiled at Gloria, knowing she could have fit Mrs. Rutherford in anytime today.

  Gloria frowned at me and turned back to her phone. “Where would you like to meet?”

  “Do you know where The Gold Cup coffee shop is on Hollywood Boulevard?” Violet said.

  “Know it?” Gloria said. “Our office is less than a block from there. I’ll meet you there at two then. How will I know you?”

  Violet paused momentarily and then said, “I’ll be wearing a bright red dress with matching pumps.”

  “And do I call you Anna Sage?” Gloria said.

  “What’s that?” Violet said, confused.

  “Nothing,” Gloria said. “Just an obscure remark about John Dillinger’s last date. I’ll see you there.”

  “Thank you, Miss Campbell,” Violet said. “Goodbye.”

  “Goodbye,” Gloria said and hung up.

  “There,” I said. “That wasn’t so hard, was it?”

  “What’s with you today?” Gloria said. “You get into the stash of sarcasm pills this morning?”

  My phone rang just in time to save me from a conversational exchange that I knew I couldn’t win. I quickly grabbed my phone.

  “Cooper Investigations,” I said. “Elliott Cooper speaking.”

  “Elliott, this is Dean,” the voice said. It was Lieutenant Dean Hollister of the L.A.P.D.

  “Yes, Dean,” I said, spinning around and sitting in my chair. I swiveled away from Gloria’s desk and leaned back in my chair. “Your timing is perfect.”

  “Huh?” Dean said.

  “Never mind,” I said. “What can I do for you today?”

  “You free for coffee, Elliott?” Dean said.

  “Hang on,” I said. “Let me check with my partner.” I didn’t even turn around to look at Gloria but just wasted a few seconds before answering, “Sure. I’m free. Where did you want to meet?”

  “I’ll be in your neighborhood around two,” Dean said. “What do you say we meet at the Gold Cup?”

  “The Gold Cup at two?” I said, loud enough for Gloria to hear me. “Probably not the best place to meet today. How about Stan’s Café on Sunset? That’s just s couple blocks away from here.”

  “Sure,” Dean said. “Stan’s at two.”

  “What’s this all about?” I said.

  “Let’s wait until we meet,” Dean said. “I’ll fill you in then.”

  �
�Should I bring my Meerschaum pipe and magnifying glass, or is this a social visit?” I said.

  “You can skip the pipe and glass,” Dean said. “But bring your notebook.”

  “See you then,” I said, and hung up.

  I turned to Gloria. “Looks like we’re both going to be busy today,” I said. “Maybe we’ll even make enough this month to pay the bills.”

  “Then I guess I’ll see you back here after our meetings,” Gloria said. “Whenever that might be.” She got up, grabbed her purse and headed for the door. Before she closed the door she turned back toward me. “If anyone calls for me, take a message, would you?” She closed the door without waiting for a reply.

  If this is what marriage is like, I think I can hold off another couple of decades before I take the plunge.

  Dean was already sitting in a booth when I walked into Stan’s Coffee Shop. He motioned me over with a wave. I told the cashier to have my coffee sent over to Dean’s booth and stepped over to where he sat waiting. He gestured to the seat across from him and I sat. A waitress brought me a cup of coffee and asked if either of us would like something to eat. Dean waved her off and I told her coffee was all I wanted.

  I turned to Dean. “So, what kind of adventure do you have lined up for me today,” I said.

  Dean shrugged. “It’s not so much of an adventure as it is a job,” Dean said.

  “An actual paying job?” I said.

  Dean nodded silently.

  “Don’t tell me the county found some extra cash in the budget,” I said.

  Dean shook his head. “Not the county,” he said. “This will be coming from me.” He looked into his cup as he stirred.

  “Sounds serious,” I said. “What’s going on, Dean?”

  “It’s this whole Rudy Carver thing,” Dean said. “That scumbag walked this morning on a technicality. We all know he was guilty. Hell, even Rudy knew he was guilty, but he played the system and won and it’s affecting me and my men. You can almost cut the tension at the station with a knife.”

  “I know what you mean,” I said. “I was there when the verdict came down this morning. But what can I do about it?”

  Dean stirred his coffee some more, playing for time. Finally he said, “I want you to come up with a way to help up put Rudy away for good.”

  I raised one eyebrow.

  “Hold on, Elliott,” Dean said. “I’m not asking you to do anything illegal, mind you. I just want you to come up with a way to make Carver pay for his crime. No one at the station, including me, can get involved with whatever you come up with, so you’ll be on your own for the most part. Nothing, and I mean nothing can lead back to me or anyone else on the force. If you get caught or something goes wrong, I don’t know you. As far as anyone will know, you acted alone.”

  “That’s if I decide to accept this mission,” I said. “Who do you think I am, for crying out loud, Peter Graves, I mean, Jim Phelps? What is this, an episode of Mission Impossible?”

  “I guess that would be as good a description as any,” Dean said. “So if you decided to do this and if you come up with a viable solution and if you pull it off, I don’t want to know about any of it. Reading the results in the paper the next day is as much as I’m going to need to know about this.”

  “What kind of results are you expecting to read about?” I said.

  “That’s entirely up to you,” Dean said. “But whatever you do, I’d like it to result in Rudy never walking free again. Is that clear enough for you, Elliott?”

  “What about Gloria?” I said.

  “What about her?” Dean said.

  “Can I involve her in this?” I said.

  Dean shook his head. “Two people can’t keep a secret,” he said. “One can. Best to leave her out of it altogether.”

  “Are there any time constraints?” I said. “I mean, does he have to be dispatched before sundown today?”

  “Sooner would be better,” Dean said. “But don’t be so hasty that you make a costly mistake. Take your time and do it right. Now that’s all I’m going to say about this. We’re never to discuss it again, not in private and certainly not anywhere in public. It’s all you from here on out.”

  “That’s if I decide to accept this mission,” I said. “And if I do, you’ll get the best I have. That’s a promise.”

  “Did you see what’s playing at The Pantages Theater tonight?” Dean said.

  I guess we really were through discussing it.

  Gloria walked into The Gold Cup shortly before two o’clock but didn’t see anyone wearing a bright red dress, matching pumps or not. She took a booth near the front door so she could watch customers coming in. She ordered herself a glass of lemonade and waited. At precisely two on the nose, a slender woman walked into the coffee shop wearing a bright red dress with matching pumps. She paused at the front door and looked around, her eyes finally settling on Gloria, who by now was waving her over to the booth.

  Gloria stood when Violet Rutherford approached. She gestured for the woman to sit across from her and then sat herself. When the waitress came over, Violet waved her off. “Nothing for me, thanks,” she said and then turned toward Gloria. “I won’t be here that long,” she explained. The waitress disappeared.

  Gloria extended her hand across the booth and said, “Violet Rutherford, I presume.”

  Violet nodded. “And you would be Gloria Campbell. Thanks for meeting with me so quickly,” she said. “Do you mind if we get right down to business? I have to be somewhere else right after this meeting.”

  “Sure,” Gloria said. “Can you tell me a little about what services you expect from me?”

  “Well,” Violet said, “I’ve suspected for some time now that Lloyd has been seeing someone else on those nights when he says he’s going bowling with his friends, and I’d like you to find out if that is indeed the case. That’s all there is to it?”

  “Not that I’m not grateful for the work,” I said, “but may I ask why you haven’t just gone to the bowling alley on any one of those nights to see for yourself?”

  “No good,” Violet said. “I’m too well known by not only his friends, but the people who own the bowling alley. If he got wind that I suspected anything, well…”

  “You might lose whatever leverage you had in a divorce settlement. Is that about it? I mean, you weren’t planning on going Lorena Bobbit on him, were you?” Gloria said, referring to the famous case where the wife found out about her cheating husband, cut off his penis and threw it out her car window as she drove away from the scene.

  “No,” Violet said. “Nothing like that. It’s just the not knowing that’s making me crazy. If I can find out for sure one way or the other, I can get on with my life and that’s where I’ll need your help, Miss Campbell.”

  “Sounds like a short and easy job for me,” Gloria said. “You sure you want to spend your money like this?”

  “It’ll be worth it to me,” Violet said. “Besides, I’d be paying you with his money. The irony of that gives me great pleasure.”

  “I can see where it would,” Gloria said. “My partner, Mr. Cooper, tells me that you mentioned to him that tonight is Mr. Rutherford’s regular bowling night. Is that correct?”

  “That’s right,” Violet said. “Your part of this quest should only take one night, and for that I’ll pay you two hundred dollars. Is that enough for a few hours of your time?”

  “That’ll cover it,” Gloria said. “If I find out what you think I’ll find out, when where and how will I get the information to you?”

  “I’ll be waiting outside of the bowling alley in the parking lot,” Violet said. “I’ll be driving a silver Mercedes. You can meet me at my car and tell me what you’ve discovered. Simple enough?”

  “Yes,” Gloria said. “That pretty simple and straight-forward. What time did you want me to drop by the alleys?”

  “Lloyd gets home shortly after six,” Violet said. “He leaves for the alley around seven. Their games begin at seven-thir
ty, so any time after that, but the sooner the better.”

  “And what time will you get there?” Gloria said.

  “I’ll pull into the parking lot at eight and park in the back row, away from prying eyes,” Violet said.

  “That’s fine,” Gloria said, “assuming I can get the goods on Mr. Rutherford in half an hour.”

  “I have nothing else to do,” Violet explained. “I’ll wait for you to come out and tell me what you’ve found. If it takes longer than that, I’ll just wait. I’ll pay you right there on the spot and then you can leave.” Violet stood up and shook Gloria’s hand once more.

  “Aren’t you forgetting something, Mrs. Rutherford?” Gloria said. “How will I know who to look for? Did you bring a photo of Mr. Rutherford?”

  “My goodness,” Violet said, “I almost forgot.” She reached into her purse and withdrew a five by seven color photo of a man in a blue suit. “That was taken last April and he hasn’t changed at all.”

  “See you tonight,” Gloria said, tucking the photo into her own purse. Gloria watched as Violet Rutherford left the coffee shop. She didn’t think that the woman looked anything like the character on Leave It To Beaver. Maybe in person Lloyd Rutherford looked like Fred. She’d know tonight.

  It was quarter to three when Gloria got back to the office. She was going over her notes when I walked in and took a seat behind my desk. Gloria looked up and just stared at me, waiting for me to say something, anything.

  “What?” I said.

  “So what was your important meeting with Lieutenant Hollister all about?” she said.

  “Nothing important,” I said. “He was just asking about dad.”

  “Bullshit,” Gloria said. “You two have got something cooking. What is it?”

  “Gloria,” I said. “I know we usually share everything that goes on in this business, but believe me, just this once, it’s best if you don’t know anything about this case. You’ll have to trust me on this one. Can you do that?” I kept a somber face the whole time and Gloria picked up on it.

  “Sure, Elliott,” she said. “If it’s that important.”

  “It is,” I said. “Maybe someday I can fill you in, but for now, well, let’s just leave it alone. And what about your case with Mrs. Rutherford? How’d that go?”