Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Yes, I did,” I said. “But what if we just do a little more snooping before I give Dean a call?”

  “Snooping?” Gloria said. “Back at Stouffer’s place?”

  “Exactly,” I said. “Grab my binoculars out of the back seat, will you? We can watch him from across the street. There’s a three-story apartment building that faces his on Coronado. We can lay flat on the roof and keep an eye on his apartment from there.”

  “For how long?” Gloria said. “What if he doesn’t leave or what if he just sits in front of the television set all night. Then what will we have?”

  “Do you have a better idea?” I said.

  “Have you forgotten that I am, among other things, a master of disguises and make-up?” Gloria said. “With one of my best disguises, he’d never recognize me and I could actually get inside his apartment.”

  “How are you going to do that?” I said.

  “I could ring his bell and tell him I was looking for Joe Schmoe,” Gloria said. “He’ll tell me he’s not this Schmoe guy and I can bat my fake eyelashes at him and sweetly say something clever, like, ‘You’ll do’ and he’ll invite me in.”

  “I don’t like it,” I said. “If he’s the guy we’re after, he could be dangerous.”

  “Don’t make me have to go over my entire resume’ again,” Gloria said. “Master of disguises and dialects, top marksman in my class, Tae Kwon Do expert. Do you want me to go on?”

  I held up a hand. I knew when I was licked. “All right,” I said. “But you just be careful, you hear?”

  “Why Elliott Cooper,” Gloria said in an overdone Southern drawl. “I didn’t know you cared.”

  “Well, I do,” I said. “When did you want to do this?”

  “Right away,” Gloria said. “It’ll take us an hour to get back to the office and get my makeup kit and wig, get changed, and get back here.” She looked at her watch. “Let’s say six o’clock.”

  “Okay,” I said, “But I’m calling Dean in on this just in case anything goes wrong.”

  I drove Gloria back to the office and watched in awe as she transformed herself from Gloria to Sally, the blonde, curvaceous street walker. I called Dean and filled him in on our plan and he agreed to meet us down the block from Stouffer’s house. Gloria adjusted her wig and looked at her reflection in the mirror before announcing that she was ready.

  “Do you have room to hide a gun in that outfit?” I said.

  “I won’t need one,” she said. “I barely have room for this wireless transmitter. Do you have your earpiece with you?”

  I patted my jacket pocket. “I’ve got it,” I said. “I don’t like the idea of you going in there unarmed, though.”

  “You and Dean will be right outside with backup if it comes to that,” she assured me. “If there’s anything else I should be able to handle it from inside. Let’s get going.”

  I let Gloria off half a block from Stouffer’s apartment and parked around the corner. Dean pulled up behind me in his cruiser and got out to meet me at my car. He got in next to me and shifted his gaze down the street at Stouffer’s apartment.

  “He’s in the right front apartment,” I told Dean. A moment later I said, “Here comes Gloria now. Even I wouldn’t recognize her if I hadn’t seen her do that to herself.” I placed the tiny receiver in my ear and listened.

  As Gloria rounded the corner she said in a low voice, “Are you boys looking for a good time?” and then walked past my car and gave us a wink.

  I held up my thumb and index finger in a circle, signaling her that I had heard her loud and clear.

  Dean tapped me on the shoulder. “What’d she say?” he asked.

  “She said to say hi to you from her,” I lied. “She’s going up to the front door. She’s knocking. Wait a second, there he is now.” I handed the binoculars to Dean.

  “Well, hello there,” Gloria said to Stouffer as he opened the door. “You must be Steve. I’m from the agency.”

  “Lady,” Stouffer said, “You must have the wrong house.”

  Gloria made an exaggerated gesture of looking up at the house numbers above Stouffer’s door and then looked back at Stouffer.” Oh,” she said, with a pout. “And the cab just let me out here and took off again. Do you think I could use your phone to call another cab?” She batted her fake eyelashes at Stouffer and smiled.

  Stouffer looked both ways out his door and then smiled back at Gloria. “Sure,” he said. “Come on in.”

  I could hear the footsteps both of them made as they walked through the house. Then I heard Stouffer telling Gloria where his phone was located. Gloria switched gears and said, “Maybe I could just do my job here, instead. What do you think?”

  “Your job?” Stouffer said. “What is your job?”

  “Steve was having a stag party,” Gloria told Stouffer. “I was supposed to be the entertainment tonight. I wouldn’t mind doing the same party for just one.”

  My earpiece went silent for a moment. Stouffer must have been considering Gloria’s proposition. “Sure, doll,” he said. “Let’s see what your act looks like.”

  I heard a scraping noise. Gloria must have been slipping out of her coat. Then I heard her voice again. “Do you have someplace where I can freshen up first?”

  “You can use my room,” Stouffer told her. “It’s the first door on the right down that hall.”

  “You know,” Gloria said in a voice reminiscent of Marilyn Monroe at JFK’s birthday bash. “I didn’t get your name. Would you like me to call you Steve instead?”

  “Call me Frank,” Stouffer told her. “And what do I call you?”

  “You can call me Marilyn,” Gloria told him.

  “Oh brother,” I said. “She’s a regular little ham, that girl.”

  “What’s that?” Dean said, unable to hear what I was hearing.

  I waved him off and kept listening.

  I heard the sound of a door opening and closing again and then Gloria’s voice came through my earpiece in a whisper. “Elliott,” she said. “I’m in Stouffer’s bedroom. I only have a second. I looked in this clown’s closet and you’ll never guess what’s hanging in there.”

  “A cop’s uniform,” I said, mostly to myself, because she didn’t have a receiver on her. All she could do was transmit.

  “A cop’s uniform with a gun belt made for a leftie,” she whispered. “It’s him.”

  The bedroom door opened and Stouffer bounded in. “Who are you talking to?” he said. “And what do you think you’re doing in my closet?”

  I heard the sounds of a scuffle and pulled the piece out of my ear. “Let’s move,” I told Dean.

  Dean grabbed the walkie-talkie on his lap and signaled his men to move in. We all descended on the house at the same time. Dean’s men covered the back door and the sides of the apartment building while Dean and I hit the front door. Dean gave it a solid kick and the door flew open. I hurried inside and found an open door in the hallway. It was the first door on the right.

  I entered the room with my .38 ahead of me. Dean followed right behind me. We both stood in the doorway and smiled when we saw Gloria sitting on top of Frank Stouffer. He was laying face down, his arm pressed up behind his back. He was moaning something about his aching arm. Gloria looked up at us and grinned like the Cheshire Cat.

  “You boys sure took your sweet time getting here,” she said.

  Stouffer strained his neck to look back at Gloria. “You’re a cop?” he said, still not able to believe that the woman who was a full foot shorter than he was able to take him down so quickly.

  Dean holstered his .38 and pulled a pair of cuffs off his belt. He slapped them on Stouffer’s wrists and pulled him to a standing position.

  Gloria smiled at Stouffer and sang, “Happy birthday, Mr. President,” in her best Marilyn Monroe voice.

  Stouffer struggled to try to get at her, but Dean pulled him back again. Stouffer threw his head back and screamed a wild, maniacal scream, as if that would free him from his restr
aints.

  “Let’s go, Tarzan,” Dean said, pulling Stouffer out of the room and out to the squad car.

  “Good work,” I told Gloria as she reached to pull the blonde wig off her head.

  I grabbed her by the wrist and stopped her. “Leave it on,” I said. “It looks good on you. In fact, you can just leave your whole outfit on all night if you like. We still have E.T. to watch when we get back to your place.”

  “And you figure this is how I should look?” Gloria said. “Mmmm, kinky.”

  By the time Gloria and I had finished with our statements over at the twelfth precinct it was nearly seven-thirty. We made it back to her place just as E.T. was beginning on channel nine.

  “Hey,” I said. “We don’t have to watch the movie off the television, remember? I gave you the DVD.”

  “Sorry,” Gloria said, handing me back my DVD in two pieces. “I forgot that I had it in the car with me and I accidentally sat on it.”

  I held the two pieces out in front of me and looked at Gloria out of the corner of my eye.

  Gloria went into her Marilyn Monroe impression again and whispered, “I’ll make it up to you, Jack, I mean, Mr. President.” She wrapped her arms around my neck and pulled me close. “You sure I can’t take this wig off?” she said. “It itches.”

  “Uh uh,” I said. “Haven’t you heard? Gentlemen prefer blondes.”

  “Now that’s one movie that I do have on DVD,” Gloria said. “Would you like to watch that one?”

  In the end, we forgot all about television and ended up in her bed. I went to sleep with a blonde and woke up in the morning next to a brunette. Either way, I couldn’t have been happier.

  Later that morning I phoned Marie Reese and asked if we could stop by and talk with her. We agreed on ten-thirty and Gloria and I drove up to Burbank and sat across from our client.

  “As it turns out,” I told Marie, “Gordon was killed by a fellow named Frank Stouffer, who was posing as a policeman at the time. The one and only witness was an old man who owned the shop on the alley where Gordon died. He was too scared to go to the police, since he thought it was a policeman who had killed Gordon.”

  Marie’s eyes began to tear up. “But why?” she said, trying to make sense of it all. “Why did he have to kill Gordon?”

  “As far as I can tell,” I said, “Gordon stumbled upon an extortion racket that was being carried out by Stouffer and another man named Willy Cordell. Gordon had been hired by a shopkeeper named Myron Talman, who had a store in the same block as the witness to Gordon’s shooting. Gordon was asking too many questions and getting too close to the truth about those extortions. He had learned Willy Cordell’s name simply by tailing him and keeping notes on his activities. I don’t think Gordon even knew that there was a second man involved. When Stouffer came upon your husband, Gordon pulled him aside and tried to report the extortions to someone he thought he could trust. Stouffer led him into the alley and shot him.”

  “Have they caught this Cordell fellow?” Marie said.

  “He turned up in the reservoir shortly after Gordon died,” I said. “He went unidentified for almost a month before his dental records verified that he was Willy Cordell. And with Stouffer in custody now, that pretty much puts an end to this whole ordeal as far as you are concerned. I hope you can find some peace of mind now, Marie.”

  “Thank you so much, Mr. Cooper,” she said and turned to Gloria. “And thanks for your help, too, Miss Campbell.” She showed us to the door and gave me a check for our final payment.

  I drove back to Hollywood and dropped Gloria off at her house, telling her that I was planning on stopping by to visit with Dad. I told her I’d meet her back at the office right after lunch.

  Mrs. Chandler was sitting on the sofa with Dad, watching an old movie that he liked. I knocked on the door as I was coming in. “Is there anyone at home?” I said, closing the door behind me.

  “We’re in here,” Dad said. “You’re just in time to watch this Cagney movie with us.”

  The opening credits were just scrolling up the screen as I sat in the overstuffed chair next to the sofa. Man of a Thousand Faces was just starting. I’d seen the movie a dozen times already but never tired of seeing it again.

  Mrs. Chandler got up from the sofa and excused herself, saying something about getting lunch started for Dad. I suspect she just wanted to give him some time alone with me.

  I got up and took the seat that Mrs. Chandler had just vacated, and turned to Dad. “Well,” I said. “We just wrapped up another case.” I pulled Marie Reese’s check out of my pocket and held it out in front of Dad. “Another satisfied customer.”

  “How’s Gloria working out?” Dad said.

  I cleared my throat. “Oh, she’s coming along,” I said. “She really came through for us on this one.” I described Gloria’s role in the apprehension of Frank Stouffer and when I’d finished telling Dad all about the case, he got a faraway look in his eye.

  “You miss it already, don’t you?” I said, referring to the job.

  “What?” Dad said. He obviously had not heard everything I’d just said.

  “The job,” I said. “You miss it? Are you getting antsy to get back to work?”

  Dad shrugged. “I’d like to be back at it, but you know what the doctor said. It’s going to be a long six months stuck here in the house.”

  “Dad,” I said. “I’d like to run something by you and get your opinion on something that’s been on my mind.”

  “Sure,” Dad said. “What is it?”

  I hesitated for a moment, trying to find the right opening line. “I am an adult now and I know all about the hazards of getting involved with anyone I work with, but Gloria and I…”

  I hadn’t finished my thought when I heard Dad’s quick intake of air. “Are you all right?” I said.

  Dad waved me off. “Swallowed something wrong, that’s all,” he said, trying to cover. “What were you saying now?”

  “I hadn’t planned on this,” I said. “It just sort of happened. I’m just surprised that nothing like this happened the first time we worked together. She’s really something, you know? No, I guess you wouldn’t know.”

  “I can imagine,” Dad said quietly.

  “You know how you can almost tell when that one right person comes along?” I said. “Hell, I’m sure you do. You must have felt that way when to met mom, didn’t you?”

  Dad nodded. “I remember,” he said. “I still miss her every day.”

  “I just wanted to be the one to tell you,” I said. “I didn’t want you to hear it from Dean or someone else that will probably see me and Gloria together. I just had to share this with you. You’re about the only one I can tell who really understands these kinds of things.”

  Dad nodded and let out his breath. “I’m happy for you both,” Dad said. “I hope she makes you happy, too.”

  I sighed. “She really does,” I said. “I don’t know what this is going to do to our working relationship. But I guess I’ll deal with that some other time. Before you know it, you’ll be back at work and who knows where we’ll be by then?”

  “You give Gloria my best when you see her,” Dad said.

  “I will, Dad, and thanks for listening,” I said. “I have to get back to the office. You take it easy now, you hear?”

  Mrs. Chandler came back into the living room carrying a tray with two soup bowls and some crackers. “Won’t you stay for lunch, Elliott?” she said.

  “Thank you, Mrs. Chandler,” I said. “I have to be going. Why don’t you and Dad have your soup and watch the movie. Good bye, Dad. I’ll let myself out.”

  I drove back to the office and found Gloria behind her desk, entering the rest of the files I’d given her earlier into our database. She stopped when I came in and got up to greet me.

  “How’s Clay doing?” she said. “Is Mrs. Chandler looking after him?”

  “She’s taking good care of him,” I said. “They were having soup and watching Man of a
Thousand Faces when I left.”

  “The Lon Chaney biopic with James Cagney,” Gloria said. “Have you seen it?”

  “Only about a dozen times,” I said. “Oh, and Dad said to give you his best, whatever his best is?”

  Gloria didn’t have to guess. She already knew.

  65 - The Best Offense

  Gloria Campbell strolled slowly through the aisles of a popular women’s dress shop on Hollywood Boulevard. She rarely wore a dress, preferring instead to wear her designer jeans and cotton blouse. Her job lent itself more to these kinds of garments. A dress would be impractical in her line of work—a private investigator with Cooper Investigations. Tonight, however, was a special occasion and she wanted to look her best for her new boyfriend, who also happened to be her boss, Elliott Cooper.

  She and Elliott had been seeing each other socially for nearly a month and things were starting to get serious. Gloria still had not told Elliott anything about her last relationship, which ended because of health reasons—not hers, but her previous boyfriend’s. He was older and his heart couldn’t take the kind of excitement Gloria could dish out, so they agreed to break it off before he ended up with a third heart attack. Her older boyfriend had also been Elliott’s father, Clay Cooper, second-generation owner of Cooper Investigations.

  Clay had not said anything to Elliott about his relationship with Gloria, hoping to spare either of them the embarrassment it could cause. But one evening, after Elliott and Gloria had wrapped up their latest case, Elliott had stopped by Clay’s house to tell him about the outcome of that case. He had also opened up to his father about his involvement with Gloria, totally unaware that it was she who had contributed to Clay’s second heart attack. Clay had tried to contain his feelings and his anxiety upon hearing how happy Elliott was with Gloria. He had wished them well on the outside, but had been secretly dying on the inside.

  Gloria had been in this same store just the day before and had been trying to decide on one of two dresses that she saw. Today she’d made up her mind. She pulled a slimming red dress off the rack and carried it to the dressing room at the end of the aisle. She stepped out of her jeans and laid them on the seat in the dressing room. They made a clunking sound as she laid them down before she remembered that her cell phone was still in her pocket. She removed her blouse and then slipped into the dress, zipping it up on the side and looking at her image in the full-length mirror on the back of the dressing room door. She smoothed her dress down at the sides and turned around to get a view from behind. Yes, this would do very well, she thought.