Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  The shop was on Lexington near Western. She got there in fifteen minutes and parked around the corner. She was dressed like a normal housewife, in a loose fitting cotton dress and low-heeled shoes. Her .38 snub nose was in her purse but she was hoping she wouldn’t have to use it.

  When Elliott had interviewed and hired Gloria, it was partly because she and her father had once owned and run their own private investigations service. Among the other reasons she got the job were because Gloria was a skilled marksman and had been trained in Tae-Kwon-Do. She was also a master of disguise and makeup. While she didn’t have need for her makeup skills today, she was sure her Tae-Kwon-Do skills would be put to the test soon enough.

  As she walked around the corner toward the auto repair shop, she spotted just one man working under a car that was hoisted up in the air. He wore coveralls and a greasy cap. He was shining a flashlight up onto the underside of the car. When he turned toward the street, Gloria could make out the name tag on his coveralls. It said, ‘Freddy’ in white stitching over a blue oval. Some other guy could be wearing Freddy’s coveralls, so Gloria had to be certain that she had the right man. She walked toward the garage and smiled when she got in Freddy’s line of sight. He smiled and wiped his hands on a rag that he’d pulled from his back pocket.

  “Well, hello there,” the man said.

  “Hello yourself,” Gloria hesitated, looked at the patch and finished with, “Freddy.”

  Freddy looked down at the name patch and smiled. He pointed to the patch. “Yup,” he said, “that’s me—Freddy. “How can I help you today?”

  Gloria turned on her charm and said, “Freddy, my car just quit on me right around the corner from here. It’s lucky that your shop is so close. I was hoping you could help me get it going again.” She smiled once more to cement the deal.

  Freddy looked around the shop. “I’m sorry, miss,” he said. “I’m here all alone, so I’m afraid I can’t leave the shop unattended. If you could wait just a few minutes until Marv gets back I could walk over there with you.”

  “Marv?” Gloria said. “Who’s he?”

  “My partner, Marvin Granger,” Freddy said.

  “You know Marvin Granger?” Gloria said. “What a small world. I met Marvin just last week and he was telling me about his partner at the garage. He said his partner could fix anything and that he was a genius with cars. I guess he was talking about you.”

  Freddy smiled. “I guess he was,” Freddy said.

  Gloria beamed. “Then that would make you Freddy Barnett, wouldn’t it?”

  Freddy nodded. “That’s me,” he said. “Say listen, how far away did you say your car was from here?”

  Gloria looked around and spotted a window back in a dark recess of the garage. She pointed to it. “I’ll bet you can see my car from that window. That’s how close I am. Come on, I’ll show you.”

  Freddy’s sly smile told Gloria that this was going to be like taking candy from a baby. He followed her like a little puppy until they were both out of sight from anyone on the street. Gloria pointed again to the window and said, “Take a look, Freddy. It’s the blue Mustang with the hood up.”

  Freddy turned toward the window and pulled an empty small twenty-gallon grease drum under the window and stood up on it. He peered out the window, turned around and said, “I don’t see any Mustang, blue or otherwise.”

  Gloria kicked the grease can out from under Freddy’s feet and he tumbled to the floor, hitting the cement floor hard. Gloria stepped back half a step and kicked Freddy in his ribs. The air rushed out of him all at once and his eyes bugged out. Gloria bent over and grabbed Freddy’s coverall collar and jerked him toward her. “That was for kicking my boyfriend in the ribs when he was down,” she said. She slammed Freddy’s head against the cement floor twice and then told him, “And that’s for kicking him in the head.”

  Gloria pulled Freddy’s arm away from his body and laid his right hand flat on the floor. Freddy was still conscious and couldn’t believe some meek little woman was giving him such a beating. Gloria raised her knee up to waist height and then brought her foot down hard on Freddy’s hand. She could hear several bones crackling under her heel. “And that’s so you won’t be using a gun again for a long time.”

  She grabbed Freddy’s collar and pulled his face toward hers and said, “Nighty night, Freddy,” and gave the side of his neck a chop with her flattened hand. Freddy’s eyes rolled back up into his head and he flopped over, out like a light. Gloria found a small toolbox and laid it at Freddy’s feet. She grabbed one of Freddy’s ankles and lifted his foot up onto the toolbox. She raised her knee again and brought her foot down hard on Freddy’s knee, snapping the joint like a twig. His knee now bent in the opposite direction that knees normally bend. “That’s so you won’t be coming after me,” she said, knowing Freddy couldn’t hear her.

  Gloria grabbed Freddy by the ankles and dragged him into a small storage room, pulled the rag out of his pocket and wiped the grime off her hands before she closed the storage room door and walked back out to the front of the auto repair shop. She took her place next to the hoisted car and just stood there, waiting for Marvin to return from wherever it was he had gone. She didn’t have to wait long. A black Monte Carlo pulled into the front lot and a man, who was also wearing coveralls, got out and walked toward the garage. He stopped when he saw Gloria and no one else.

  “Who are you?” the man said.

  “Just a woman with car trouble,” Gloria said.

  “Where’s Freddy?” he said.

  “Who?” Gloria said. “Oh, you mean the other mechanic? He’s in the bathroom. Said he’d be right out and asked me to keep an eye on the front until he got back. He told me that he was expecting you back any time and that you were the best mechanic anywhere. Is that right?”

  This caught Marvin off guard. “Freddy said that?” he said.

  “He sure did,” Gloria said.

  “I guess I am,” he said. “Car trouble, you say?”

  Gloria nodded and smiled her winning smile. “It quit on me just around the corner.” She turned and pointed to the same recessed window again. “I’ll bet you could see it from that window,” she said, leading Marvin to it like a fly into her web.

  Marvin got a carbon copy of the treatment that his partner had recently experienced. Gloria wiped her hands on Marvin’s clean shirt and dragged his unconscious body into the same storeroom where she’d dumped Freddy. Gloria reasoned that by the time they both woke up, she’d be back home again, changing into her evening wear and getting ready to meet Clay. And by the time Ray Mercer’s two thugs were released from the hospital, Mercer would have already replaced them with two fresh henchmen, who weren’t crippled.

  Gloria parked her car in the driveway and let herself into her house, locking the door behind her. She made a beeline for the bathroom and stripped out of her clothes and ran a hot bath. She soaked in it for nearly forty minutes before she emerged without the slightest sign that she’d ever been in a one-sided scuffle with Mercer’s thugs.

  Gloria toweled herself dry and got dressed again. It was only six-thirty and she still had an hour before Clay was expecting her. She climbed back into her car and drove to the hospital. When she walked into Elliott’s room, she was surprised to see him sitting up and feeding himself. His color was coming back and he was beginning to look like his old self again. He smiled when he saw Gloria.

  “You ready to blow this pop stand?” Gloria said.

  Elliott laughed and then quickly stopped, grabbing the bandaged ribs and groaning.

  “Oh, I’m sorry,” Gloria said. “I forgot. How are you feeling?”

  “Not as good as last week, but better than this morning,” he told her. “What are you doing here?”

  “I came to see you, silly,” she said. “Why else would I be here?”

  “Did Dad come with you?” Elliott said.

  Gloria shook her head. “No,” she said. “He’s back at the office, probably planning on
how he’s going to get even with the two goons who worked you over.”

  Elliott’s eyes widened. “He can’t do that,” he said. “His heart.”

  “Relax, Elliott,” Gloria said. “It’s already been taken care of.”

  “What do you mean?” Elliott said, looking sideways at Gloria.

  “Let’s just say that Freddy and Marvin are in a lot worse condition than you are,” Gloria said.

  “Who are Freddy and Marvin?” Elliott said and then realized who Gloria was talking about. “Oh, was that their names, those two guys in the office?”

  Gloria nodded. “Neither of them will be any good as a thug after today,” she said, and explained in detail her encounters with the two mechanics.

  “God, I wish I could have been there to see that,” Elliott said. “You really jumped on their knees?”

  “Snap,” Gloria said. “Just like a pretzel. Made me flinch just to hear it—twice.”

  “What’s Dad going to say when he finds out?” Elliott said.

  “He may complain after I tell him,” Gloria said, “but he’ll get over it when he realizes that I did it for him. You know he’s ready to come back and take his place with the company again, don’t you?”

  Elliott nodded. “I guess so,” he said, lowering his head. “I suppose you know what that means?”

  Gloria let out a deep breath. “I know,” she said. “I knew this day would come sooner or later. I just didn’t know that the time would pass so quickly.”

  “Well listen,” Elliott said. “We can talk about it once I get back to work. You’ll still work with Dad for another week or so, won’t you, until I can come back?”

  “Of course I will,” Gloria said. “You just hurry up and get better and come on back as soon as you’re able. We’ll try to scrape by until then.”

  Gloria leaned over and kissed Elliot on the mouth. He pulled back and put his hand over his mouth. “Ouch,” he said, feeling the fat lip with the two stitches in it.

  “I’d better get going,” Gloria said. “Take care of yourself and I’ll see you again tomorrow.”

  “Thanks, Gloria,” Elliott said. “Thanks for stopping by and thanks for keeping Dad healthy.”

  Gloria threw him a kiss from the door and left the room. She drove back over to the office and found me waiting for her. She sat down behind her desk and started thumbing through some papers on it.

  “You ready?” I said. “We’d better get moving.”

  “Yeah,” Gloria said. “About that…” She gestured for me to come and sit in her client’s chair and she laid it all out for me, from the time she first saw Freddy in the garage until she dumped Marvin’s unconscious body in the storeroom and drove away.

  I listened intently without interrupting her. When she’d finished, I bit my lower lip and said, “Sounds like you’ve had a busy afternoon. You sure you don’t need to take some time off and recoup after a workout like that?”

  “I’ve already soaked in the bathtub and still had time to visit Elliott,” she said. “No, I’m fine, thank you.” She waited for me to complain about her stepping in and fighting my fight. She was surprised when I said nothing about it. She knew that I realized that tangling with those two henchmen could have been fatal for me, even if I’d managed to get the best of both of them. It wasn’t a pleasant thought, but it had occurred to me even before we’d dropped Leo Griffith off in Santa Clarita. I just gave Gloria a knowing smile and a warm hug instead.

  Eight days later Elliott was released from the hospital. He’d still have to take it a bit easier until his ribs fully mended, but day to day activities wouldn’t do him any harm. He came into the office on the following Tuesday morning and found Gloria and me both standing just inside the doorway. We both stood there, our left arms raised and bent at the elbows. We pretended to be looking at the wristwatches that neither of us was wearing. We both tapped out wrists, held them to our ears, tapped them again and looked at Elliott. He glanced up at the wall clock and noticed that he wasn’t late at all. In fact, he was six minutes early.

  He shook his head. “Nice try,” he said, and then dropped his briefcase and held his arms out. Gloria and I stepped into the semi-circle and Elliott locked his arms around both of us.

  When he released us, I took a seat on the leather sofa against the wall. I gestured for Gloria and Elliott to sit next to me. “Come on,” I said. “Have a seat. There’s something we need to talk about.”

  Gloria shot me a look, knowing that once again she’d have to step down, now that both Coopers were back at work.

  “I’ve been giving this a lot of thought lately,” I said. “As you are both aware, our company is a small one and we all know that it can comfortably support two employees. Three employees could drain our resources and we wouldn’t want to have to close our doors for lack of resources.”

  Gloria rose from the sofa. “That all right, Clay,” she said. “You don’t have to explain. I knew coming into this that one day you’d be returning and that I’d have to leave again. I just want to thank you both for…”

  I raised my hand to stop her parting speech. “Please, Gloria,” I said. “Sit down and wait until I’ve finished before you say anything more.”

  Gloria sat again, somewhat taken aback by my tone.

  “Now as I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted,” I said. “Cooper Investigations can support two employees comfortably so I’d like to take this time to let you both know that I am officially retiring effective the first of next month.” I turned to face Gloria. “I’d like you to stay on, if you would, Gloria. I can’t speak for the new owner, but I’m sure he’d like to have you stay as well.” I turned to Elliott.

  “Um, yeah,” Elliott said. “Just give me a minute to digest this new information.” He let out a deep breath, turned to Gloria and said, “Well, what do you think, Miss Campbell? Would you like to stay on here at Cooper Investigations?”

  Gloria was suddenly at a loss for words.

  I turned to her. “Feel free to interrupt any time now,” I said.

  She turned away and wiped a single tear from her cheek before turning back toward me. Her face broke into a broad smile and she reached over and threw her arms around my neck and held on tight. She kissed my cheek and then flopped back into the sofa.

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” Elliott said to me.

  “I’m sure,” I said. “I’d like to live long enough to dance at my son’s wedding some day.” I turned to Gloria. “I’d like to be able to dance at your wedding, too. I wouldn’t have to rent a tux twice if both weddings happened to be on the same day, now would I?”

  Gloria and I both broke out into spontaneous laughter. She kept laughing but I stopped and held my hand over my ribs. I held the other hand up. “Stop, Dad,” I said. “You’re killing me.”

  We all sobered up when the phone on my desk rang. I held one hand up for silence before lifting the receiver to my ear. Cooper Investigations,” I said.

  “Clay,” the caller said. “It’s Dean. Just thought I’d let you know that I conducted a sweep of this entire precinct and I think I can safely say that no one here is in anyone’s pocket.”

  “Did you check yourself out, too?” I said.

  “Still got that warped sense of humor, don’t you, Cooper?” Dean said before hanging up.

  “It’s like I suspected,” I said. “Those two idiots who told Leo Griffith not to go to the police because they had someone on the inside? It was all a bluff to keep him quiet. That was Dean. They’re clean down at the twelfth.”

  “That’s certainly good news,” Elliott said.

  “And speaking of the twelfth,” I said. “I think I’ll head back over there and drop in on Dean. Can you two handle things here by yourself?”

  Elliott shoed me away like he would a fly. “Go, Dad,” he said. “I’m sure we can handle things for a while. Give Dean our best.”

  Clay was no sooner out of the office when Elliott stepped up to Gloria and wra
pped his arms around her waist and pulled her close to him. “How’d you like to make a few points with your new boss?” Elliott said, and kissed Gloria long and hard.

  68 - The Glowing Corpse

  “Looks like it’s you and me, kid,” I said to Gloria as Dad left the office for the last time as a working partner.

  “I guess it is,” Gloria said. “How does it feel to be the big cheese around here now?”

  “It feels damned good,” I said. “So, does that make you the mouse?”

  “Squeak squeak,” Gloria said, and slid into my lap. We’d been keeping exclusive company for several months now and it was beginning to get serious. We both put extra effort into making sure that our personal relationship didn’t interfere with our working relationship. So far, there were no problems and we intended to keep it that way.

  My dad was Clay Cooper, a second-generation private eye in the firm that his dad, Matt Cooper had started back in the forties. I guess that made me a third-generation private eye. Dad’s last day with the company was yesterday and now I was the sole owner of Cooper Investigations. That’s not to say that I was the sole employee. Dad had had a heart attack two years ago and at that time I’d hired a temporary P.I. to fill in until he had fully recuperated. The person I’d hired was a former investigator, was a superior marksman, a master of disguise and makeup, skilled in Tae-Kwon-Do and had the cutest figure since Rita Hayworth. Her name was Gloria Campbell and now the two of us were running the business.

  Dad had his second heart attack just six months ago and this time when he came back to work, he must have realized that it was indeed his time to hang up his spurs because that’s just what he did yesterday. I’d still be seeing him regularly at home and I made it perfectly clear that he was welcomed to stop by the office whenever he liked.