Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “No,” Gloria said. “We were just talking about you and then you show up. It was just a little strange, that’s all. I have to go out for a while. Would you watch the office while Henry and Elliott go to the hotel for his interview?”

  “No problem,” Clay said.

  Henry and I left the office and drove to his hotel. He invited me to sit and set the digital recorder between us on the coffee table.

  “Relax, Elliott,” Henry said. “Sit back and just tell me what you can about your place in this family tale. If you have some interesting childhood stories, we can begin there. Or you can start with the present and work your way backwards; whatever works best for you. Just tell me what comes to your mind. And remember when you tell me something, let me know the time frame that you’re talking about so I can arrange all this information chronologically afterwards.”

  “I’m not sure just what it is that you’re looking for, Henry,” I said. “How about if you start out by asking me some questions? That’ll get the ball rolling and I may think of other things along the way.”

  “All right,” Henry said. “Suppose you tell me about some of your earliest recollections. What do you remember?”

  “I remember my dad taking me to the park to fly my kite,” I said. “And I remember that Grandpa Matt came along, too. That was a fun day. I was probably six or seven years old.”

  “You must have had many days like that one,” Henry said. “Why is it that you remember that particular day?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, trying to remember back to the events leading up to that day. “I guess it was the contrast between flying the kite in the park and the terrible time Dad had earlier that week.”

  “What do you mean, Elliott?” Henry said.

  “Seems to me I remember hearing Dad talking to his friend at the police department,” I said. “They thought I was sleeping, but I got out of bed and heard them talking in the living room about a couple of bad guys that had died in a car chase. Those two that they were chasing had been responsible for several sniper shootings. Several cops were killed, most of them Dean’s friends on the force.”

  “Dean?” Henry said. “Who is Dean?”

  I looked up at Henry. “Dean Hollister was Dad’s friend on the L.A.P.D. He was the lieutenant in charge of that sniper case. Dean’s father, Dan, and my grandfather, Matt were best friends many years ago. In fact, Dan Hollister was Grandpa Matt’s superior officer when Grandpa was a cop.”

  “This is beginning to fall into place for me,” Henry said. “Go on with your story.”

  “I imagine you’re more interested in what I can recall about certain cases,” I said. “My childhood was comparatively uneventful.”

  “Just tell me whatever comes to mind, Elliott,” Henry said. “It’ll all be sorted out later and put into some kind of order.”

  “You know, Henry,” I said, “the music of my teen years was mostly crap. I mean, with all that heavy metal, head banging, long hair and spandex. It was downright embarrassing to even hear it. I guess that’s why I gravitated toward the music of my Dad’s teen years. I’m talking about The Beatles. You do remember The Beatles, don’t you, Henry?”

  “I seem to recall a thing or two about them,” Henry said. “How do they fit in with this storyline?”

  “Oh, quite well,” I said. “And even thought I was only twelve at the time, I can remember hearing Dad talk about it like it was yesterday. It all happened more than twenty years ago, and when I was older Dad told me more about the case than I initially knew. You see, there was a serial killer taunting Dean Hollister with every one of his killings. He’d leave a cryptic note about each of his victims. The note contained references to a particular line in a Beatle song. Well, Dean didn’t know anything about The Beatles, but Dad sure did. He was a regular Beatle trivia nut, if you’ll pardon the expression.”

  “Now there’s something I want to hear more about,” Henry said.

  “Well,” I said, “I remember Dad telling me about one of the killer’s notes in particular. It started out, ‘Ask me why I killed her and I just may tell you.’ That in itself wouldn’t reveal much, but once Dean laid the first few notes side by side, Dad immediately saw a pattern. For example, the first three words in this note were Ask Me Why, which was the title of an early Beatle song. The first few words in the other notes also contained Beatle song titles. Once Dad saw those, it made finding the killer and his intended victims a little easier. That’s one case that stayed with me for years.”

  “That’s just the kind of material that will translate very well to the screen,” Henry said. “Millions of people can relate to The Beatles, just like during the summer of ‘69 when that Manson clan murdered Sharon Tate and all those others. They spelled out ‘Helter Skelter’ on the wall in blood.”

  “Another Beatle song title,” I said.

  “Keep going, Elliott,” Henry said. “I think we’re making some real progress here.”

  “All right,” I said, but my school life was almost as dull as my real life back then. How about if I jump ahead a few years?”

  “Whatever you like,” Henry said.

  “Well, when I was about twenty,” I began, “Dad and I went to see Grandpa Matt for his birthday. That would have been July 17, 2002. Grandpa had just turned ninety-one that day and Dad and I were drilling him for some interesting stories of his younger days on the police force and as a private eye.”

  “Let me interrupt you there for just a minute, Elliott” Henry said. “I just have to make a quick trip to the bathroom and I don’t want anything distracting me.” Henry switched off the digital recorder and walked to the bathroom down the hall.

  While Henry was gone, I got up and walked over to the refrigerator. I found a can of Pepsi and brought it back with me to the overstuffed chair I’d been sitting on. I popped it open, took two small sips and set the can on the coffee table. Henry returned from the bathroom, stopping at the refrigerator for a Pepsi of his own. He settled back into his comfortable position and switched the recorder back on again. He picked up his yellow legal pad and looked at me. “Are you all set to continue, Elliott?” Henry said.

  I nodded. “Sure, let’s do it,” I said. “Where was I? Oh, yes, I was telling you about Grandpa Matt’s ninety-first birthday and how Dad and I were asking him for stories from the old days. And let me tell you, he came up with quite a few gems, like the time he had to find some runaway kid from Wisconsin who came out here to be in the movies.”

  Henry held up one finger. “Excuse me, Elliott,” Henry said. “I already got that story from your father. What else have you got?”

  “Okay,” I said, “let me think. “Yeah, there was the time Grandpa’s first wife was killed.”

  Henry shook his head. “Clay covered that one as well.”

  I thought for a few moments more before I offered, “Did Dad tell you about Grandpa Matt’s second wife, my grandmother, Amy?”

  Henry nodded. “I’m afraid so, Elliott. We covered Matt’s life pretty extensively. Suppose you tell me more about yourself and the part you played in the investigations business.”

  “All right,” I said. “Let’s see, I joined Dad in the business when I was twenty-four, so that would have been back in 2004. Nine years and counting. As Dad got closer to sixty, he began spending less time at the office. I’d pretty much taken over the business by then.”

  “Clay mentioned something about having a heart attack,” Henry said. “What do you remember about that time in your life?”

  “Oh man,” I said. “Those were scary times. I didn’t know if Dad was going to make it there for a while. But, as you know, he pulled though but had to spend several months at home recuperating. We had talked about it and decided that I should hire some temporary help until he could come back to work.”

  “Your dad did mention that briefly,” Henry said, “but this is one occasion where I’d like to hear your version of those events. It’s important, since you were directly involved and ma
y recall it differently than Clay did.”

  “Did Dad mention that that was how I met Gloria?” I said.

  “He did,” Henry said, “but since he was there himself and you were, I’d like to hear you tell me about it.”

  “It’s kind of interesting,” I said. “Interesting and ironic, that because of Dad’s heart attack that I would meet the girl who would eventually become my wife.”

  “Your Dad and I spent quite a bit of time talking about irony and fate,” Henry said. “Sounds like you take pretty much the same view that he does.”

  “Well, when you think about it,” I said, “it is fascinating how one little event can influence so many others in your life.”

  “That’s the same thing Clay said,” Henry told me. “Almost verbatim.”

  “That’s not the strangest part,” I told Henry. “If Dad had not had his second heart attack, Gloria would have been my step-mother instead of my wife.” I had Henry’s full attention now. He looked up, wide-eyed.

  “What do you mean, Elliott?” Henry said.

  “Dad and Gloria were involved briefly before she and I got together,” I said.

  “What?” Henry said, obviously astonished. He made a note on his yellow pad and circled it several times before turning his attentions back to me.

  I held up one finger. “They don’t know that I know,” I said, and I’d just as soon keep it that way, if you don’t mind.”

  Henry looked disappointed but after a moment he drew a large X through the text he’d circled.

  “I found out purely by accident,” I said. “It wasn’t one specific thing, but a series of small things that got me to wondering. You see, after Dad was able to come back to work, we all realized that there wasn’t enough business to support three people, so Gloria left the agency. It was during that period that she and Dad got involved. And as well as I could piece it together, Dad couldn’t take the excitement of an active sex life with Gloria and that brought on his second heart attack. I’m guessing at this next part, but I believe they mutually agreed to break it off to keep Dad healthy. It was kind of touching, actually. And it was only after Dad’s second heart attack that Gloria came back to work at the office again. We were thrown together for a second time and this time there was a spark of some sort. The spark turned into flames and before I knew what happened, we were a couple. It’s just that simple.”

  “And that is exactly the kind of thing that sells books and movies,” Henry said. “Are you sure we can’t use that?”

  “It could make life with my wife a bit uncomfortable,” I said. “Especially for her, if she finds out that I knew all along. You see what I’m up against, Henry?”

  Henry shook his head and agreed not to use that part of the story. “What else do you remember, Elliott?” he said.

  “Did Dad tell you about Gloria’s credentials?” I said.

  Henry shook his head.

  “Well,” I said, “I interviewed her for the job and I have to say that her résumé was quite impressive. She was already a licensed private investigator. She and her father had a business in town up until he was killed and she didn’t have enough working capital to keep the business going. She was also skilled in the art of Tae-Kwon-Do and was an excellent marksman as well. She was also a master of disguise and makeup. She had it all. I’d have been a fool to let her slip away.”

  “You wouldn’t know it to look at her, would you?” Henry said.

  “You wouldn’t know what?” I said.

  “That she could probably kick both our asses at the same time,” Henry explained and then laughed nervously.

  “No, I guess you wouldn’t,” I said. “Maybe that’s why subconsciously I’m careful what I say to her, even around the house.” Now I was the one with the nervous laugh. “You know, she even came into our office disguised as an old lady. Dad and I really had no idea that it was her under that makeup and wig. And at the end of the gag, she pulled out a gun and shot me with it.”

  Henry sat up straight and looked at me strangely.

  “It was a squirt gun,” I said by way of an explanation. “We all got a good laugh out of it.”

  Henry looked at his watch. “That’ll have to be all for today,” Henry said. “I have to get my notes and the recorder back to the office before they close for the day. We have a secretary working with us who can type a hundred thirty words a minute and she is keeping us updated with all your files.”

  I got up out of the chair, grabbed my Pepsi and finished the last of the soda with a final swallow. I looked at Henry. “Is that it?” I said, “Or will you want to have another session with me?”

  “There’ll be another session with the three of you towards the end of the interview process,” Henry said. “But I’ll want to talk with Gloria next. Do you know if she’s available tomorrow morning for about three hours?

  “I think that would work,” I said. “There’s nothing pressing going on at the office right now.”

  “Good,” Henry said. “When I’ve finished with her, the three of you can all meet me here and we’ll wrap up the interview portion of this project. Then we’ll have the secretary type it all into the word processor and take it from there. Thank you for your time, Elliott.”

  “Not a problem,” I said, looking at my own watch. “I guess I still have time to put in a couple of hours at the office.”

  I got back to the office Dad was sitting behind my desk, pecking away at my laptop keyboard. He looked up when I came in. “Hey, Elliott,” he said. “How’d the interview go with Henry?”

  “Oh, all right, I guess,” I said.

  Dad stopped typing and turned toward me. “Something go wrong?” he said.

  “Not really,” I said. “My interview was a lot shorter than yours because some of the stories I was going to tell him, you had already given him in your interview.”

  “Well,” Dad said, “he is going chronologically and I did come before you in this mini saga.” Dad caught something else in my eyes. “Anything else troubling you, son?”

  I hesitated for a moment and then said, “I may have let something slip that I shouldn’t have, but Henry promised it wouldn’t find its way into the final book or movie.”

  Dad stood now and walked over to where I’d sat on the leather sofa in the corner of the office. “Is it something you can talk to me about?” he said.

  I shook my head. “I don’t think so, Dad,” I said, and left it at that.

  “Is it something you can talk to Gloria about?” Dad said.

  I quickly turned my head toward Dad. “What made you mention Gloria?” I said.

  “Well,” Dad said, “she is your wife, you know. You’re supposed to be able to talk to your wife about anything. I’m sure she’d be a good listener.”

  “Can we just drop this?” I said.

  “Sure,” Dad said. “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to.” Dad got up off the sofa and returned to the seat behind my desk. He pecked a few more keys and the screen went black. He closed the laptop and got out of my chair again. “Here, you can have your desk back again.”

  I just sat there, thinking for a moment. Several minutes later Gloria came into the office with a smile on her face. I looked up at her and smiled back. “How’d it go?” I said. “Did we pick up another client?”

  “We sure did,” Gloria said, waving the contract in her hand. “Signed, sealed and delivered. We start tomorrow morning.”

  “Is it something that Dad and I can handle by ourselves?” I said.

  “What am I,” Gloria said, “an orphan? I got the job and I told the client we’d handle it.”

  “You’ll have to join Dad and me later in the morning,” I said. “Henry wants to do your interview tomorrow morning for about three hours. Dad and I can lay the groundwork and you can join us after the interview. Just fill us in on what this case involves.”

  “I guess so,” Gloria said, joining me on the sofa. Dad sat on the other side of her. “That call I took e
arlier was from a guy named George Willoughby who wants us to find one of his employees, who seems to have skipped town with his company’s formula for soft drinks.”

  “That sounds like a job for the police,” Dad said. “Why is he coming to us with this?”

  “Willoughby doesn’t want any publicity,” Gloria said. “It would be bad for business and for the value of his stock.”

  “Sounds like a familiar story,” I said. “I suppose the soft drink formula was supposed to be a guarded company secret.

  “It was,” Gloria said. “Willoughby said that his employee, a guy named Simon Lucas, demanded a raise, since it was he who had actually developed the formula for the soda. Willoughby showed me the contract he had with Lucas. It provided Lucas with a hundred and fifty thousand dollar flat fee for the rights to the formula. Lucas signed off on the formula nearly two decades ago, but since that time, Willoughby’s company has made more than ten times that much from the sale of the soda and now Lucas wants to renegotiate his contract.”

  “Or he’ll sell the formula to the highest bidder,” Dad said. “How many times have we seen that scenario in the business world?”

  “I’ve never seen it,” I said.

  “Neither have I,” Gloria added.

  “Well, I’ve been in the business longer than either of you,” Dad said. “And I’ve been on this earth almost longer than the two of you have been alive. Naturally I’d have seen more of this kind of thing.”

  “So where are we supposed to start tomorrow?” I said, taking the contract from Gloria’s hand and looking it over.

  “Willoughby would like to meet all of us tomorrow morning,” Gloria said. “He’ll be at The Copper Penny in Glendale tomorrow morning at nine. I can go with you and introduce you both to him before I have to meet with Henry. I’ll explain my situation to Willoughby after I’ve introduced you both and I can still make it to Henry’s hotel in time for my interview.”

  “Sounds like a plan,” I said. “How about if we all meet at The Copper Penny tomorrow at eight forty-five? That’ll give us a little breathing room.”