Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

The man with the gun complied. I stepped over and took the gun, tucking it in my waistband. “First off,” I said, “who are you?”

  “I own this house,” the man said. “My name’s Livingston, Randolph Livingston.”

  By this time a woman in a bathrobe came into the kitchen. “Randolph,” she said. “What are these policemen doing in our kitchen at this time of night?”

  “What are you doing here?” Randolph said.

  “We’re doing what you told us to do,” I said. “We were making our rounds and checking doors and windows and found your back door unlocked.”

  Evelyn Livingston shot her husband and angry look. “I thought you said the doors were locked before you came to bed.”

  Randolph shrugged. “Must have missed that one,” he said.

  “Honestly, Randolph,” Evelyn said, “If I want something done right I have to do it myself.”

  I pulled a notepad from my shirt pocket and found the page with Livingston’s request on it. “It says here,” I told him as I read from the page, “that you would be gone until Monday. Today’s only Saturday.”

  “Well,” Randolph said, “we decided to come home early since Evelyn wasn’t feeling well.”

  “If you come home early,” I said, “the thing to do is call the precinct and cancel your watch order.”

  “We did,” Randolph said. “At least, Evelyn said she was going to do that.” He turned to look at his wife. She averted her eyes from his and suddenly we all knew what had happened. Randolph turned to his wife and said, ““Honestly, Evelyn, if I want something done right I have to do it myself.”

  I couldn’t help but let out a little snicker. Officer Cooper didn’t find it as funny as I did. When we got back to the patrol car we called in to cancel the Livingston’s watch order and drove back to the station.

  “Maybe that’s what you need, Cooper,” I said.

  “What, a wife like that?” he said. “No thanks. I’ll keep the one I have.”

  “Not a wife,” I said. “A dog.”

  Cooper failed to see the humor and we rode back to the station in silence. When we got back I made a deal with Cooper. If he’d drop the silent treatment, I wouldn’t tell anyone else about his kitchen encounter with Rin Tin Tin and his pals. He agreed.

  The following summer turned out to be hotter than any on record up to this point. Tempers flared and a lot of otherwise friendly people suddenly found themselves with a lot shorter fuse. Argument and fight calls to the station tripled in July and even the cops’ nerves were on edge. If we didn’t get relief soon, there was no telling what might happen.

  I had been partnered with Matt Cooper once again. We were riding patrol in the seedier section of Hollywood, checking doors and windows. I had found the back door of a local Elks Club standing slightly ajar. I called out of service and we went in with our flashlights and guns. We came back to a furnace room area where there were all pipes and electrical boxes on the back wall. Cooper and I walked through that part of the club and found that it opened up through a doorway into their restaurant area where there were tables and chairs. We searched the restaurant area and quickly realized that the place had been burglarized.

  They had a large wall safe that had been broken into and a smaller upright safe on the stand that had also been ransacked. I turned around and shined my light into the dining room and saw a table that was turned over on its side and in that instant, all I saw were two guys crouched down behind a table with guns in their hands pointing right at us. I hollered, “Police” and just about the time I heard it, I heard them holler “Police.” I didn’t shoot, but I hollered out, “Who’s in there?”

  “Detectives Rafferty and Lewis,” the voice in the dark said. “Who are you?”

  “Sergeant Dan Hollister,” I said, “and Officer Matt Cooper.” I signaled Matt to turn on the overhead lights and once the room lit up, the two detectives stood up. Everyone let out a deep sigh and holstered their guns.

  Rafferty turned to me. “Two other officers found the back door open earlier tonight and called in a burglary. We also got a tip that the place was going to be hit again so we came here to stake it out. We left the back door open so they could get in easier.”

  “It would have been nice if you had let someone at the precinct know you were going to be in here,” I said. “I almost shot you both.”

  “You almost shot us?” Detective Lewis said. “We almost shot you two.”

  Rafferty stepped up. “We did call this in to the captain earlier tonight,” he told me. “The captain said he’d notify all the officers on the night duty about this setup.”

  “Well, he didn’t,” Cooper almost screamed. “That son-of-a-bitch almost got us killed.”

  I turned to Matt. “Take it easy, Cooper,” I said.

  “Take it easy?” Cooper said. “You take it easy. I’ve had it, and I’m going to tell the captain just what I think of him when I get back there.”

  “We’d better get out of here,” I told Rafferty, “so you two can get back to your stakeout.” I turned to Matt but he’d already stormed out the back door and was waiting in the car when I got there.

  I slid beneath the wheel but before I started the patrol car I turned to Matt and said, “Look, it happens. It was an honest mistake. Granted, it was a serious oversight on the captain’s part, but it was just a mix-up. Just try to cool down. Tomorrow, after you’ve had time to think about it, you’ll be glad you held your tongue. Don’t worry, Cooper, I’ll make sure the captain knows how close we came tonight to buying the farm.”

  “You tell him anything you want,” Cooper said. “I’m done. Not tomorrow, not at the end of this shift. I’m done right now. You can let me off at the station.”

  “Are you sure this is what you want?” I told Cooper. “You’re weighing one bad night against a lifelong career.”

  “What career?” Cooper said. “If it ain’t the captain, it’s you. You’re always riding my ass and I’ve had it. I don’t see things getting any better around here, either. I’ll wash dishes or pump gas before I’ll subject myself to anymore abuse from anyone with a uniform and a Messiah complex.”

  “Matt,” I said. “Come on, think about what you’re doing. You’re just making things worse for yourself. I’m sure losing Stella isn’t making you think any clearer, either. I’m sorry for that, but you still need to go on with your life.”

  Cooper’s wife, Stella had been killed in a holdup at the grocery store just a month earlier and it had taken a lot out of him. I took all this into consideration and tried to step lightly around him. I tried talking to Matt on the way back to the precinct, but he had his mind made up. He stepped out of the car and was gone before I could find a place to park it. By the time I got back inside, Cooper was already coming out of the captain’s empty office. He headed for the door to the parking lot but I stopped him in the hall.

  “You tell that fat bastard when he comes in tomorrow that I’m all done,” Cooper said and stormed out of the building before I could reply.

  I sensed that Matt hadn’t been happy here for some time, but I couldn’t put my finger on any one reason. Some guys just aren’t cut out to carry a badge and a gun, I guess. A week later I learned that Cooper had applied for a gun permit and a private investigator’s license. So much for my badge and gun theory.

  A few weeks later I had heard from the beat cop in Matt’s neighborhood that he’d opened an office on Hollywood Boulevard and was already working on a case of his own. I gave him his space and hoped he’d do well with his new venture.

  In the summer of 1947 Matt Cooper and I were working together on a case that involved seemingly random victims of a sniper. They didn’t turn out to be so random once we’d figured out that parts of each victim’s license plate number contained parts of the overall clue we were looking for. Officer Burns and I had been pinned down behind a parked car while the sniper took pot shots at us from the roof across the street. Matt had managed to make his way across the street, into the
building and up to the roof. He was able to get the drop on the sniper, killing him, but not before the sniper had killed Officer Jerry Burns with a single shot to the chest.

  As we stood on the sidewalk that afternoon, looking down at the body of Leo Bettencourt, the sniper, I was finally able to let out the breath I’d been holding. I extended my hand to Matt. “I owe you one, Cooper,” I said. Matt took my hand, shook it once and released it. I looked back toward the Chevy where Jerry Burns’ body lay.

  “I wish I could have gotten to Bettencourt sooner,” Matt said.

  “I know,” I said. “Burns was a good man and I owe him my life. It’s going to be hard to replace him.”

  Matt and I walked back to the squad car. By now the street was filled with flashing red lights and uniformed cops. The neighborhood was alive with the buzzing of people curious to see what all the commotion was about. The random killing spree had come to an end and I was anxious to get back to my office and try to find some semblance of normalcy again.

  The 1940s faded away and 1950 came in to take their place. The day I got the call from dispatch I had no idea that it would turn out to be a day that would change my life forever. I had answered a dispatch call about a shooting outside of Jacob’s Big and Tall Shop. The victim, as it turned out, was one of my patrolmen who had been walking with Matt Cooper, just casually talking when a sniper took him out from a high floor.

  Matt left and I stayed behind to question potential witnesses. Inside Jacob’s I found a woman working in the shoe department. I began to question her about what she might have seen but she hadn’t been working in the front of the store when the shooting occurred. As I sat there questioning the woman, Matt Cooper walked in and approached me.

  “Excuse me, Dan,” Cooper said. “Your secretary, Hannah called me at my office. She’s been trying to reach you. She’d like you to call in to the station right away.”

  The woman and I both stood and faced Cooper. I said, “Thanks, Matt. I’ll take care of that right away.” I gestured toward the woman and introduced her to Matt. “Matt, I’d like you to meet Laverne Brewster.” Then I turned to Laverne. “Laverne, this is Matt Cooper. He used to be a police office. Now he’s a private eye with an office on the boulevard.”

  Matt extended his hand. “Pleased to meet you, Laverne,” he said.

  “Same here,” Laverne replied.

  “Would you two excuse me?” I said. “I’d better call Hannah back before she comes looking for me. I’ll be right back.” I walked out the front door and headed for the radio car.

  “Won’t you have a seat?” Laverne said to Matt.

  “All right,” Matt said. The two of them sat in silence for a few seconds before Matt said, “So, did you have some information about this case for Dan?”

  Laverne shook her head. “No,” she said. “I was working in the stock room when this terrible ordeal happened. I didn’t see a thing.”

  Matt nodded. “Okay,” he said. “So Dan is…”

  “Interesting,” Laverne said, as if to finish Matt’s sentence.

  “That’s not exactly what I was going to say,” Matt told her. “I, uh…”

  “Laverne smiled. “I know,” she said. “Strange, isn’t it? I mean meeting someone under circumstances like these. Here’s this poor man lying dead outside and a short time later, here I am, talking to a policeman and then suddenly something just clicks.”

  “So you two…” Matt started to say.

  Laverne smiled and softly nodded. “I think so,” she said. “Funny how you can tell about a person after just a few minutes. I know that old cliché about love at first sight, but I always thought that was a bunch of bull. But it looks like they were right.”

  Now she had Matt smiling. “Now that is interesting,” he said. “You know Dan and I have been friends for years and just lately I met and fell in love with the woman of my dreams. We got married last year and we just had a son. And Dan has been ribbing me about the major changes in my life for some time now. I guess now he’s knows that what I’ve been telling him could really happen to anyone, even him.”

  Laverne leaned in closer to Matt. “How about for now we just keep this little conversation between the two of us, okay?” she said. “I’m sure if this thing works out between us, Dan will come around and start telling you the same things that you probably told him.”

  “Sure,” Matt said. “Mum’s the word.”

  I came back in through the front door and walked back to where Matt and Laverne were sitting. Laverne picked a shoe up off one of the displays and jumped in with part of a conversation that she and Matt hadn’t been having as a cover. “And if you walk around the house in them for a day or two, they’ll stretch out and eventually get more comfortable,” she said, holding the shoe up in front of Matt’s face.

  Matt nodded, playing along with her cover-up. “So you don’t think I should go up another half size then?” he said.

  “I wouldn’t,” Laverne said, putting the shoe back on the display.

  The two of them thought I was none the wiser, but I was on to them. I just didn’t know exactly what had been said while I was out. I looked down at Laverne, holding my hand out. She took it and I pulled her to a standing position. “I’ve got to get back to the station, Miss Brewster,” I said, trying to keep the conversation on a professional level for Matt’s benefit. “If I need any more information I’ll call you.”

  “That’ll be fine, Sergeant,” Laverne said, trying to keep a straight face in front of Matt.

  I turned to leave. “You coming, Matt?” I said.

  “Right behind you,” Matt said, following me out of the store. Matt turned and winked at Laverne and she winked back. Matt wondered how long it would take me to tell him about my good fortune.

  Once outside the store, I turned to Matt and said, “Sorry you had to come all the way down here, Matt.”

  “Was it important?” Matt said.

  “What’s that?” I said.

  “The reason Hannah needed to talk to you,” Matt said. “What did you think I meant?”

  I must have seemed to be lost in thought and didn’t answer right away. “Huh?” I said.

  Matt probably knew I was hooked. He could tell the symptoms and he could probably see subtleties in my face. “Hannah?” Matt repeated.

  “Nothing that couldn’t have waited,” I said. “Listen, I gotta get back to the precinct. I’ll talk to you later.” I slid behind the wheel of the radio car and pulled away from the curb.

  Matt drove home and found Amy in the kitchen, washing a few dishes. Clay’s bassinet was sitting across from her and the baby was asleep. I quietly closed the door and smiled at Amy.

  “What’s up with you?” she said.

  Matt walked behind her and wrapped his arms around her waist, nuzzling her neck. “You know how I’ve been telling you about Dan, how he’s always ribbing me about being domesticated?” Matt said. “Well guess what?”

  Matt filled his wife in on the little talk he’d had with Laverne Brewster while Dan was in his car. Amy wiped her hands on her apron and turned around.

  “Oh, that’s wonderful,” she said. “Wouldn’t it be something if Laverne was the one?”

  “The one what?” Matt said, and then realized what Amy meant. “Oh, yeah, the one. Yes, that would be something. I wonder how long it’ll take him to tell me about it.”

  “Let him tell you in his own good time,” Amy said. “And don’t rib him about it, either.”

  “Are you kidding?” Matt said. “After the ribbings he’s given me?”

  “That’s exactly why you shouldn’t,” Amy said. “Come on, Matt, be the bigger man in this case and just support your friend when he tells you, all right?”

  “All right,” Matt said, knowing full well that he would not let Dan get away with anything as potentially funny as this.

  Laverne and I started dating shortly after we’d meet in the men’s clothing shop. We kept steady company for more than four months, never
spending more than a day or two at a time apart. She liked many of the same things I did and one night while we sat in the theater watching Bette Davis in All About Eve, I leaned over and whispered in Laverne’s ear, “Will you marry me?”

  To my surprise she said yes, and began to fuss over me, making a bit of a racket. Several people in the seats ahead of us turned around, their fingers to their lips. “Shhh,” that all said in unison. I grabbed Laverne’s hand and helped her out of her seat and up the aisle. We left the theater and walked east on Hollywood Boulevard until we found a coffee shop.

  Laverne slid into the booth near the front window and I slid in next to her, wrapping my arm around her shoulder. “What do you say we get married this weekend?” I said. “I don’t want to wait.”

  “This weekend?” Laverne said, somewhat surprised. “Why so soon?”

  “I’m an impatient guy,” I said, “and when I know what I want, I want it right away. What do you say? We can just have a small ceremony at the courthouse with Matt and Amy. I’m sure they’ll stand up for us.”

  Laverne turned toward me and pulled my face to hers. Her kiss lingered and when she pulled away she was smiling. “That was one of the traits I liked about you right from the start,” she said. “You know what you want, and I’m glad it’s me.”

  “Then you’ll marry me this weekend?” I said.

  “Yes, Dan,” Laverne said.

  The weekend came and Amy and Matt arrived at the county courthouse to stand in as witnesses for Laverne and me. The ceremony took less time than it had for Matt and Amy when they’d gotten married at this same courthouse. Before we knew it, the four of us were standing outside the courthouse hugging, shaking hands and slapping shoulders. Laverne and I took a short honeymoon to Las Vegas and returned Monday. I had to work, but promised Laverne that we’d take an extended honeymoon later in the month.

  The summer came and went and Laverne was getting huge by now. She was due in mid-September and I was sure my relatives already had a wall calendar with Xs on each day as they passed. When Laverne delivered, I was sure the Hollister grapevine would be buzzing with the tallies, making sure at least nine months had passed.