Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “What’s all this about cash and a gun in a briefcase?” Gloria said.

  Elliott explained the circumstances surrounding his finding the briefcase in the elevator and the man who came looking for it later.

  Gloria looked down at him. “I hope you’ve learned your lesson about minding your own business, Elliott. That guy could have shot you both, thinking you were thieves.”

  “I didn’t take it away from him,” Elliott said in his defense. “I found it. What was I supposed to do, leave it sitting there on the elevator floor?”

  An uneasy silence fell over the room for a moment before Matt spoke up. “So I’ll have to run the office for a week to ten days by myself?”

  Gloria answered for Elliott. “No, you won’t. I’ll join you in the office until your father can come back.”

  “You?” Matt said, his eyebrows turning upward.

  “Why not?” Gloria said. “Who do you think did it all those years before you came along?”

  “Bud Burke?” Matt said, trying to get a rise out of his mother by mentioning the man who had taken Gloria’s place in the office for six years while she was busy at home raising Matt and his new baby sister, Olivia.

  “Funny,” Gloria said. “No, I did and I can still work rings around you any day, Sonny Boy.”

  Chris chuckled at the situation and then straightened out her face.

  “Dad,” Matt said, looking down at him.

  Elliott held up his hand. “There’s nothing I can do about it, Matt,” he said. “She’s your mother.”

  “Oh, man,” Matt said and then thought of one more thing. “So who’s going to be the boss in the office?”

  Gloria stepped in. “We can be equal partners,” she suggested. “We’ll split the work load and the responsibility fifty-fifty. Deal?” She held a hand out to her son.

  Matt looked at his father, who simply shrugged. Matt held his hand out to Gloria. “Deal.” He turned back to Elliott. “Look, Dad, I’d better get over and see Eric about this whole mess.” He turned to Gloria. “Can you drive Chris back home?”

  Gloria wrapped an arm around Chris’s shoulder. “We’ll manage,” she told Matt. “You go on and do your job now.”

  “I’ll check back with you later, Dad,” Matt said and left the room. On his way out the emergency door, Matt ran into Olivia, who was just coming in. She had a look of panic on her face.

  “How’s Dad?” she said when she saw her big brother.

  “Dad’s fine,” Matt told her. “Mom and Chris are up there with him now. It’s just a broken leg. Don’t worry about it so much. Gotta run.”

  Olivia hurried to the elevator while Matt got back into his car and drove to the twelfth precinct to talk to Lieutenant Anderson. Matt found the lieutenant at the front desk, talking with the desk sergeant. Matt stepped up to Eric and tapped him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, Eric,” he said. “Could I see you for a moment?”

  Eric held up one finger. “Just a second, Matt. As soon as I’m finished with the sergeant. Eric turned back to the sergeant and said, “I want to know the minute one of my men finds this man with the briefcase. I don’t want any civilians getting killed on my watch. Get that description out to all the radio cars right away.”

  Matt stepped up again and tapped Eric’s shoulder again, this time a little more forceful. “Eric,” Matt said. “This can’t wait. It’s about the guy you’re after.”

  Eric turned and gave his undivided attention to Matt now. “What do you know about this guy?” Eric said.

  “He’s not who or what you think he is,” Matt explained. “That wasn’t a hit list in the briefcase. It was a list of winners from the Santa Anita race track and the guy with the briefcase was just trying to deliver their winnings to them. You might want to pull that APB off the air before the wrong guy gets hurt.”

  “And just how do you know all this?” Eric said.

  “Dad told me,” Matt explained. “From his hospital bed, not twenty minutes ago.”

  “What?” Eric said. “Is Elliott all right? What happened to him?”

  Matt explained Elliott’s ordeal with the nail and the broken leg and then told Eric about one of the recipients of one of the ten thousand dollar bundles from the briefcase. “He wasn’t holding us up, or trying to kill anyone. He was just protecting the money that he was entrusted with, that’s all.”

  “Did you get a name for this currier?” Eric asked.

  Matt shook his head. “Dad didn’t say, probably because I don’t think he knows himself. Either that or he didn’t think to mention it if he did know, what with everything that’s just happened to him and all. But he did say I should ask you about the five information sheets that were found with the list of five names in the briefcase. He thought you might know what they were.”

  Eric slapped at his waistband and found his key ring. “The jump drive,” he said, remembering the copies he’d confiscated from Matt’s computer. “Come on, Matt. Let’s go take a closer look at them.” He led Matt back down the hall to his office and closed the door behind the two of them. He turned back to Matt. “I transferred the pictures to my computer when I got back and then I was called away on another matter. I didn’t get a chance to take a closer look at them.” He brought up the directory where he had stored the pictures and clicked on the first photo. It showed the list of five names. Eric clicked on the second photo, a more detailed information sheet on the first man, Paul Carver.

  Matt looked over Eric’s shoulder as they both read through the document. They had both finished reading enough to get a sense of its purpose and then looked at each other.

  “It’s a tax form,” Eric said, clicking on the other four documents to verify that they were the same as the first one. “These five guys have to pay capital gains on their winnings.”

  “That doesn’t look like any tax form I’ve ever seen,” Matt said. “Don’t they usually say ‘Form 1040’ or ‘W-2’ on ‘em somewhere? I looked these over pretty good earlier and I didn’t…” Matt stopped. “Oops.”

  “Yeah, oops,” Eric said. “I might have known you’d have more copies of those papers squirreled away somewhere.”

  Matt shrugged. “I guess we Coopers come from a long line of curious guys. I think it’s something in our genes.”

  “I should put my boot up the backside of your jeans,” Eric said and then paused. “But, since this turned out not to be a capital case…” He didn’t have a finish for his thought.

  “Don’t you think you better call your men off the search now, Eric?” Matt said.

  Eric grabbed the microphone on his desk and pressed the talk button. He sent out a city-wide message to all cars to disregard the APB for the as yet unknown man with the briefcase. Eric set the microphone down, picked up his desk phone and pressed the two numbers for the desk sergeant, telling him pretty much the same thing he’d just told all the radio car patrolmen.

  “There,” Eric said, turning to Matt. “I supposed I’d better get over to the hospital to see how your dad’s doing and then get the rest of this incredible story from him.”

  “He’s probably sleeping by now,” Matt told him. “Better wait until tomorrow morning, after the anesthetic has fully worn off. He was still a bit groggy when I left him and the doctor told us all not to stay long so dad could rest.”

  Eric sighed. “Every time I think this job might be getting a little boring, one of you Coopers does something to spice things up around here.”

  “I think that’s called job security,” Matt said, smiling. “I have to get going, Eric. I have a lot of stuff to catch up on at the office, and with Dad recuperating at home for the next nine or ten days, Mom’s going to be helping out at the office for a while and I don’t want her to come in and complain about the place being a mess. You know how women are.”

  “Sorry, Matt,” Eric said. “I really don’t. I never let one of those tricky creatures throw a rope around me. I’ve held out this long, I think I can go the rest of the way by myself. Bu
t I hear you’re thinking of getting married one of these days.” Eric chuckled and then suppressed his laughter and tried to morph it into a cough.

  “Kind of hard to keep the Cooper name going without someone from the opposite team,” Matt said. “Maybe you ought to…”

  “Didn’t you have to straighten up your office before Gloria gets a look at it?” Eric said.

  Matt knew enough not to press the issue and took the hint. “See you later, Eric,” he said and left the office. He drove back to his own office and gave it quick once-over, trying to decide where to start cleaning. He’d been straightening things out for more than twenty-five minutes when the office door opened and Olivia stepped in. Matt looked up with surprise to see his sister here in his office. Matt looked past Olivia. “Did you bring Mom with you?”

  Olivia shook her head. “She drove Chris home and then went back to the hospital. She’s probably still sitting there next to Dad’s bed. He’s asleep and she’s just sitting there watching him and waiting.”

  “Kind of like Greyfriar’s Bobby,” Matt said.

  “Huh?” Olivia looked really puzzled now.

  “Didn’t you ever see that Disney movie about that little dog in Scotland who stayed on his master’s grave and refused to budge for years and years?” Matt said. “Sure, back about a hundred forty years ago there was this…”

  Olivia held her hand up. She knew from past experience that her brother’s ramblings could go on and on if she didn’t stop him. “I’m sure it’s a very interesting story and I may watch the movie someday,” Olivia said. “But I only have a few minutes and I wanted to run something by you, if you think you can be serious for a couple of minutes.”

  “Sure,” Matt said, ceasing his cleanup duties and sitting on the edge of his desk. He gestured to the leather sofa against the wall.

  Olivia waved him off. “No thanks, I won’t be here that long,” she said. “I just wanted to get your opinion on this whole college thing. I want to go to UWM in Wisconsin with Tom come fall and you know how Mom gets.”

  “I thought you two had that all talked out already,” Matt said.

  “We did,” Olivia explained. “That part she’s good with. It’s the other part that she doesn’t even know about yet and I guess I just wanted to test the waters with you before I approached her and Dad with it.”

  “Test away,” Matt said, swinging his legs off the edge of his desk.

  Olivia hesitated, not sure exactly where to begin. She wrung her hands and finally said, “Tom’s asked me to marry him.”

  Matt was taken by surprise and didn’t know how to respond. He stared at the floor for a moment and then looked back up at his baby sister. A smiled played on his face and eventually morphed into a full-blown laugh. He clapped his hands together just once and slid off the edge of his desk. He stepped over and wrapped his arms around Olivia, holding her close for a moment before releasing her. “That’s terrific,” he said.

  Olivia let out a deep breath and smiled herself. She looked into her brother’s eyes and said, “Look, Matt, I don’t want to put ideas in your head or put any pressure on you and Chris, but Tom and I were hoping to get married before we left for Wisconsin in the fall and we were just wondering if you and Chris were also getting close to taking the plunge, well…”

  Matt spread his hands and shrugged. “Well? Well what?”

  “Well, we were wondering if we could arrange for a double wedding ceremony with you and Chris,” Olivia said. “What do you think?”

  “Wow,” Matt said, not sure how to respond.

  “That’s all you have to say?” Olivia asked. “Wow? I don’t want to pry, but how close are you and Chris to getting married?”

  “You don’t want to pry?” Matt said, laughing. “You can’t help it. You’re a woman. That female gene has prying built into it.”

  “Come on, Matt,” Olivia said frustrated now. “Be serious for a minute, will you?”

  Matt straightened up and pursed his lips. “Okay, serious now.” He turned to take another look at the office and then turned back to his sister. “You think this office looks clean enough to pass Mom’s inspection?”

  “What?” Olivia said. “How’d you manage to change the subject like that without even answering my question?”

  “Just answer my question and then I’ll answer yours,” Matt said. “Does it look like it could pass inspection?”

  Olivia glanced quickly around the room and then turned back to Matt. “It looks fine to me. Now what about my question?”

  “If the office looks good enough for Mom, then my work’s done here,” Matt explained. “How about if you and I drive over to Chris’s house and ask her together?”

  Olivia was smiling again as she grabbed Matt’s arm and led him out of the office. In the parking lot Olivia turned to Matt and said, “I’ll follow you over so I can later leave from Chris’s house. Then you won’t have to drive me back here after.”

  Chris was sitting in the living room when Matt rang the bell. She smiled widely when she pushed the curtain aside and saw Matt and Olivia on the stoop. “Come on in,” she said, holding the door wide. She and Olivia held both their hands out and squeezed. “Have a seat,” she said, gesturing toward the sofa. “Can I get either of you anything from the kitchen?”

  Matt and Olivia both waved her off. “No thanks,” they said, almost in unison. Matt patted the seat cushion next to him. “Come on, Chris, sit down. We need to talk.”

  Chris’s face fell. “Oh oh,” she said. “There’s four words you usually don’t want to hear someone starting a sentence with.”

  “It’s not what you think,” Matt said, explaining Olivia’s proposal.

  “Like I told Matt,” Olivia said, “I don’t want to rush either of you, but if you’re getting close anyway…”

  Chris jumped in. “I was thrilled enough just thinking about marrying your brother. But the thought of a double wedding is doubly exciting.” She leaned in and hugged Olivia and soon the two women were crying.

  “I thought you two were happy,” Matt said.

  Olivia and Chris released one another long enough to give Matt a strange look and then Chris said, “We are happy, silly.”

  “Well you sure have a strange way of showing it,” Matt said, sure now that he’d never be able to understand the opposite sex.

  Then Chris sat back and looked at Olivia. “What about your folks?” she said. “What do they think of this?”

  “They don’t know yet,” Olivia explained. “I wanted to find out about your plans first so the four of us could tell them together.”

  Matt almost laughed now. “I know your strategy,” he said. “I remember when I was eight or nine and I got into some trouble with Mom. I brought Jimmy Holman home with me so I’d have a sort of buffer from Mom’s wrath. Is that what this is like?”

  Olivia nodded. “I guess you could call it that. So when can we all get together and tell them?”

  “Okay,” Matt said. “There’s two ways to go about this. One, we could all meet at the hospital tomorrow and run it by them while Dad’s still laid up. He’d be in no position to voice much of an objection and Mom would just be happy that Dad’s going to be all right and might not mind as much.”

  “And what’s two?” Olivia said.

  “Or two, we could wait until they let Dad come home in a couple of days and spring it on them there,” Matt explained. “Either way, you’ve got your strength in numbers with the four of us there with you. We’ll be your Jimmy Holman.”

  “What about a date?” Chris said. “Have you and Tom discussed that yet?”

  “Well,” Olivia said, “School starts in a little less than three months, so we were thinking about the third week of August. How does that work for you two?”

  Chris deferred to Matt. “Well, Matt,” she said. “Looks like it comes down to you. What do you say?”

  “It’ll have to be a small wedding,” Matt offered. “We don’t have enough time to plan a big one with
a hall and a band and a fancy reception and all that.”

  “And there’s the invitations, and the flowers and the meal and the dresses,” Chris added. “I think you’re right, Matt. It’ll have to be a small affair, maybe just a couple dozen of our friends at the house afterwards. Yes, I think we can handle that.”

  “Then it’s settled,” Olivia said and then paused. “Except for telling Mom and Dad. I say we go with option two and do it at home when Dad gets out.”

  *****

  Two days later the doctor signed off on Elliott’s chart, allowing him to finish recuperating at home. Matt and Chris were there to help wheel him out to the van, as were Olivia and Tom. They all agreed to meet at the Cooper house and drove away from the hospital in separate cars. Once they were home again, Matt and Tom helped Elliott out of the back of Elliott’s surveillance van, where he was able to lay flat on the floor with the cast on his leg. They both helped lift him into the wheel chair and pushed him up to the house.

  Once they were all inside, Olivia bent down face to face with her dad and said, “Can I get you anything, Dad? A soda, some chocolate milk, a pillow maybe?”

  “Yup,” Elliott said. “You’re going to make a great nurse someday. Chocolate milk sounds good.”

  Matt wheeled Elliott’s chair into the living room while Olivia brought the milk and handed the glass to her father.

  “Are you comfortable, Dad?” Olivia said.

  Elliott’s eyebrows furrowed. “All right,” he said suspiciously. “What’s up?”

  Gloria’s interest was piqued now and she sat in the overstuffed next to Elliott’s wheel chair. “Yeah,” she said. “You’re awfully attentive. What’s going on here?”

  Tom had hung up his jacket and had joined Olivia in the living room, along with Matt and Chris. “I was never one to beat around the bush,” Tom said. “So suppose we get right down to business here. Time is short and we don’t want to waste it. Olivia and I…”

  Olivia held one hand up, silencing Tom and then added, “Mom, Dad, as you know Tom and I will be leaving for Wisconsin the last week of August to start the fall semester at UWM.”