Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Matt glanced at the bills on his desk and then back at Sinclair. “Mighty costly experiment, wouldn’t you say?”

  “That?” Sinclair said, dismissing the pile of money. “I spend more than that on one suit. I’ll never miss it, but I’m sure you can find a use for it.”

  “Only he can’t accept it,” Elliott said.

  “Excuse me,” Sinclair said. “Why not?”

  Elliott sat upright now. “Because the whole point of doing something nice for your fellow man is doing it because it’s the right thing to do, not because you think there’ll be something in it for you in the end. No, I’m afraid you’ll just have to find someone else who really needs that money. We’re not hurting.”

  Sinclair scooped up the bill, counted them and handed them to Elliott now. “I was hoping you’d say something like that, sir. I can see where your son learned his humanitarianism.” He pulled his wallet out again and withdrew an even thicker stack of bills and laid them in front of Matt. “I’m so glad I met you two gentlemen,” Sinclair said, rising from the chair. Before either of the Coopers could voice another objection, Sinclair had let himself out of the office again and was gone.

  Matt and Elliott sat there looking at each other, dumbfounded.

  “What the hell was all that about?” Matt said, looking at the stack of money lying on his desk.

  “I’m not sure,” Elliott said. “Better check the office for hidden cameras. This has got to be some kind of hidden camera gag.”

  Matt picked up his stack of bills and counted it before turning to his dad. “How much have you got there?”

  Elliott quickly counted the bills before announcing, “Eight hundred dollars. How about you?”

  Matt laid each bill down on the desk as he counted. “Two grand even. Thanks, Dad.”

  “For what?” Elliott said.

  “For making that bet with me,” Elliott explained. “If I hadn’t been on that corner with the sandwich board…”

  “Funny how things work out sometime,” Elliott said.

  “Looks like we can knock off early today, doesn’t it?” Matt said, rising from his chair.

  “Not so fast there,” Elliott said. “We still have a business to run. This will just be our umbrella that we can fall back on for that rainy day.”

  Matt stepped over to the window and looked up at the sky.

  “What are you doing?” Elliott said.

  “I thought I saw a thunder cloud,” Matt said, looking at Elliott from the corner of his eye.

  Elliott shook his head. “Kids,” he said.

  Elliott’s phone rang at that moment and Matt flinched. Elliott stepped over to his desk and grabbed the phone. “Cooper and Son,” he said. “Oh, hi. Yeah? What did you think?”

  Matt inched closer to Elliott, trying to hear what was being said.

  “That’s great,” Elliott said. “There’s an extra thirteen hundred a month we can use. Uh huh. No, but I have a story for you later that you won’t believe. We can talk about it over dinner. Speaking of which, what are the eating arrangements for our new tenants? Hold on a minute.” He turned and looked sharply at Matt. “It’s you mother, if you must know.” He came back on the phone with Gloria. “Nothing, it was just Matt wondering who I was talking to.”

  “I was thinking that this first night we could have our new tenants join us for dinner,” Gloria said. “Then we could discuss any future arrangements regarding food.”

  “Works for me,” Elliott said, “But that won’t work for me telling you what happened here today. I wouldn’t want to disclose that in front of our renters.” Elliott proceeded to explain about Jonathan Taylor Sinclair’s visit to their office and the monetary results. He could hear Gloria’s audible gasp on the other end.

  “That’s terrific,” Gloria said. “That’ll make a great umbrella.”

  Elliott laughed and said, “Hang on. Would you repeat what you just said about our windfall today?” He held the phone up to Matt’s ear and waited while Gloria repeated her thoughts on the money. Elliott pulled the phone away from Matt’s ear and put it back to his. “Thank you. It’s the same thing I told your son.”

  “Give him a break,” Gloria said. “He’s learning.

  “Gotta go,” Elliott said. “The other line is clicking. Someone’s trying to call. See you tonight.” Elliott hung up and pressed line two. “Cooper and Son.”

  “Elliott, it’s Eric. Listen, we never did finish processing those two little pigs from the Alfie Hill death. Can you and Matt stop down here so we can get your official statements and close this thing out?”

  “No problem, Eric,” Elliott said. “Can we do this one at a time so one of us will be here to watch over the business?”

  “I guess,” Eric said. “As long as we finish up this afternoon, I don’t care which of you comes over here first. I’ll be in the conference room across from my office. Twenty minutes?”

  “I’ll be there,” Elliott said. “When I get back, I’ll send Matt over.”

  “Thanks,” Eric said and hung up.

  Elliott explained what was happening to Matt and headed for his door. “You’ll be next when I get back,” he said, and walked toward the elevator.

  Elliott spent half an hour with Eric, going over the details that led him and Matt to the parking lot outside the apartment where Alfred Hill had died. He left out the part about gaining entrance to the apartment under the guise of a Pacific Gas and Electric meter reader. No sense muddying the waters. He’d have to make sure to have Matt tell the same story, leaving out the phony identification, as well as the part where he ruffled through the suspect’s glove box. When Eric had what he needed and was satisfied that Elliott was in the clear, he let him go. Elliott returned to the office and sent Matt to the twelfth precinct to give his account of the events leading up to the discovery of Alfie’s body on the sofa. It took Matt even less time than it had taken Elliott and he was back at his desk within the hour.

  “It looks like Felix and Butch are off the hook for Alfie’s death,” Matt said upon returning to his desk. “But they’re both going to do some hard time on drug possession charges. As it turns out there was thirty-three grams of crack cocaine in that baggie. That’s more than an ounce, enough to be considered intent to sell. It’ll send Felix up for a long time, probably five to ten years since this is not his first offense. And those capsules Butch had on him were enough to get him a pretty long stretch in prison as well. Doesn’t the air around here seem cleaner already?”

  Elliott sighed. “Too bad, actually,” he said.

  “Too bad? Don’t tell me you’re going soft on dirt bags like that,” Matt said.

  Elliott opened his eyes wider and blinked. “Oh hell, no,” he said. “I was thinking it’s too bad that their apartment will sit empty while other people will be having a hard time finding a place to live. Nobody will want to live there, even after it’s been cleaned and fumigated.” Elliott scratched his leg. “I get itchy all over again just thinking about it.”

  “Then don’t think about it,” Matt said.

  Elliott shivered all over and tried to put the visions of the pigpen apartment out of his mind. He turned to Matt. “How’d you like to bring Chris over to the house tonight for dinner? Your mother and I thought it would be nice to serve our new tenants dinner their first night there. We could use another couple to round things out.”

  “Sure,” Matt said. “What’s Mom making?”

  “Chicken and dumplings,” Elliott said. “Your favorite, if I recall.”

  “You bet,” Matt said. “I have to make sure Chris gets Mom’s recipe for those dumplings.” He paused for a moment and then added. “Sure is going to feel strange to have someone else sleeping in my bed.”

  “Well, just make him feel welcome,” Matt,” Elliott said. “And you’ll get to meet Eric’s cousin, Penny, too. She’s the one who’s renting Olivia’s room.”

  “I wonder how she and Tom are getting along in Wisconsin,” Matt said.

&n
bsp; Elliott thought for a moment and said, “And I wonder how long after the first blizzard that she’ll want to come home again.”

  Matt fired up his desktop computer and began searching for seasonal weather patterns for Wisconsin. He checked the statistics and looked over at Elliott. “If this chart is any indication, you can probably expect her back here sometime before Groundhog Day.”

  “And I’ll have to be sure to send her a picture of the two of us in short sleeve shirts and shorts around Christmas time,” Elliott said.

  “Aren’t we a couple of stinkers?” Matt said, and closed his weather program.

  “I guess you could say that,” Elliott admitted.

  “I just did,” Matt replied and settled in behind his desk with a game of computer solitaire.

  Elliott rose from his desk and stood at the window, looking down onto Hollywood Boulevard. People came and went as usual. He could see the raggedly-dressed Jonathan Taylor Sinclair climbing into the back of a long black limousine, its back door being held open by the chauffeur. Behind the black car Elliott saw a long gray bus with its side door open. Two dozen other raggedly-dressed men waited at the curb to board. It looked like Sinclair wasn’t kidding about providing jobs for the few good men that he’d found.

  Elliott glanced over at Matt and smiled like a proud father.

  129 - Look Who’s Stalking

  Elliott sat behind the wheel of his tricked-out surveillance van as he tooled north on the Hollywood Freeway. Across from him in the passenger seat sat his son and business partner, Matt. They were on their way to North Hollywood to visit a potential client in need of their private investigator skills. Elliott Cooper had taken over the P.I. business from his father, Clay, who had taken it over from his father, Matt. Someday Elliott planned on passing the business down too his son after he retired. That day was still a dozen years away, but Elliott thought about that eventuality a lot, more so lately, it seemed.

  About a mile north of the Ventura Freeway, Elliott exited onto Magnolia Boulevard and continued east. When he pulled into the parking lot of a dental clinic Matt turned in his seat toward his father. “What are we doing here?” Matt asked.

  “This is our new client,” Elliott explained. “He’d like us to follows his wife to see what she’s really doing when she leaves the house.”

  Matt looked at Elliott suspiciously but followed him into the lobby nonetheless. As they approached the front desk, Elliott exchanged knowing looks with the receptionist and gave her a wink.

  “Would you come back here, gentlemen?” the receptionist said, mostly to Elliott.

  Matt and Elliott followed the woman down a hall, where she directed them to wait in a small room. She closed the door and left them standing there. Matt nervously looked around the room, uncomfortable even to be here, even though this was only a business call.

  A moment later the door opened again and a man in a white smock stepped inside, closing the door behind him. He looked at Elliott and said, “Mr. Cooper?”

  Elliott said that he was.

  The man switched his gaze to Matt but still spoke to Elliott. “And this must be your partner, Matthew.” There were only two small stools with wheels on them and Elliott quickly sat on one while the man sat on the other. He gestured toward the recliner chair behind Matt. “Please, make yourself comfortable. We have a lot to talk about.”

  Matt reluctantly sat on the patient chair and swung his feet up, letting himself get comfortable. At that point, the man in the white smock stood up again and stood next to the reclining Matt. “Before we get down to the business at hand,” he said, “Could I just take a quick look in your mouth, young man?”

  Matt quickly swung his legs over the side of the chair and tried to stand up. Elliott and the man held him down and Matt struggled.

  “What the hell’s going on here?” Matt protested.

  Elliott laid his hand on Matt’s shoulder with more force that Matt thought was necessary. “You’ve been complaining about that upper tooth for weeks now,” Elliott said. “And I couldn’t get you to take care of it yourself, so I had to resort to drastic measures.”

  Matt struggled again, but couldn’t get out of the chair.

  “You’ll thank me later,” Elliott assured his son. “Just relax. The doctor’s only going to take a quick look at the tooth. He’s not going to hurt you. What are you, four years old?”

  Matt settled down a little but was still breathing fast and heavy.

  “Relax,” the doctor assured him. “It’s only an exam. There’s no pain in a simple exam. And who knows? It might be a simple fix to keep you from having any more pain.” He paused and gave Matt his best soothing look.

  Matt exhaled and settled back into the chair.

  “Now if you will just open your mouth so I can take a peek,” the doctor said.

  Matt looked over at Elliott, who nodded. Matt exhaled and opened his mouth, but before the doctor could poke around inside, Matt closed it again. He felt Elliott pinching his shoulder and opened again. The doctor stuck a small, long-handled mirror in Matt’s mouth in an attempt to see the back side of Matt’s upper left canine.

  “Um huh,” the doctor said. “Just as I thought. You have a cavity starting behind the tooth. It’s nothing serious now, but if you let it go much longer, it will become serious.” He withdrew his tools and looked Matt in the eye. “You can get up now, Mr. Cooper.”

  Matt stood and nervously looked for an exit. The doctor looked at him again and said, “Would you come with me for a minute, please?”

  “What are you going to do?” Matt said.

  “Not a thing,” the doctor assured him. “There’s just someone I’d like you to meet is all. Please follow me.”

  Matt and Elliott followed the doctor to the next room down the hall and stepped inside. Sitting in a chair like the one he’d just vacated, Matt spotted a small boy, probably no more than seven or eight years old. The kid smiled when he saw the doctor.

  “Hi, Timmy,” the doctor said. “I’d like you to meet Matthew Cooper. Matt just wants to watch while I look at your tooth. Would that be all right with you?”

  Timmy nodded. “Okay,” Timmy said and settled back into his chair.

  The doctor slipped into a fresh pair of gloves and turned to his assistant, a young woman with a Debbie nametag on her white dress. “Is Timmy ready?” the doctor asked.

  Debbie smiled, mostly at Timmy. “Timmy, are you ready to let the doctor have another look at your tooth?”

  Timmy didn’t answer, but just laid his head back and opened his mouth wide. He closed his eyes and waited patiently as the doctor picked up a long needle and positioned it over Timmy’s gums. He applied a little pressure on the needle and injected Timmy’s gums with a small amount or Novocain. Timmy didn’t even flinch.

  The doctor patted Timmy on the shoulder and said, “We’ll let that work for a little bit and then I’ll be right back. Don’t go away.”

  “I won’t,” Timmy said.

  The doctor led Matt and Elliott back to the room where they’d met minutes earlier. He looked at Matt. “Well?” he said. “Timmy is just eight years old and he has a cavity like the one you have. All I’m going to do to him is drill out a little bit of decay and put a dab of filling material in the hole and he’ll be good as new again. I think if little Timmy can take it, you most certainly can.”

  “Didn’t he even feel that needle you poked him with?” Matt said.

  “Not a bit,” the doctor said. “We numbed his gums up with a topical anesthetic and let it sit for a few minutes. The gums were pretty numb by the time I stuck the needle in. Now, after the Novocain sets for a couple minutes, I can work on Timmy’s tooth while he watches the television set overhead. He won’t feel a thing throughout the whole ordeal.”

  Matt looked over at Elliott, who shrugged and spread his hands. “It’s totally up to you, Matt. But like the doc says, if you let this go much longer, it will turn into something major.” He paused momentarily and then added
, “So what do you say? Want to trust the doctor on this one?”

  The doctor looked at Matt. “There’s a sucker in it for you when I’m finished with you.”

  The situation just turned ridiculous and Matt couldn’t help but laugh. “All right,” he said to the doctor. “I’ll make an appointment with your receptionist before I leave. All right?”

  “No need, sir,” the doctor said. “This is your appointment.”

  Matt shot Elliott another look.

  “I made this appointment for you three weeks ago,” Elliott explained. “Let’s get this done so we can both get back to work.”

  Matt sighed heavily and resigned himself to the doctor.

  “Let me have your jacket and you can have a seat right here again,” the doctor said. “I’ll send my nurse in to apply the topical anesthetic.”

  “I won’t forget this,” Matt said to his dad.

  Elliott smiled but then realized that Matt could have just as well meant that the other way. “Thanks, I guess,” Elliott said. “I’ll wait in the reception room.”

  Thirty-three minutes later, Matt and the doctor walked out to the reception area together. Matt was smiling and holding his hand to his cheek. “Thanks, doc,” Matt said. “This is the best it’s felt in months.”

  “I’d like to see you more often,” the doctor said. “My nurse will schedule a follow-up appointment for you. Enjoy the rest of your day.” The doctor turned and started to walk away.

  Matt called after him. “Uh, doc,” he said. “You forgot about my sucker.”

  The doctor laughed and pulled a wrapped sucker from his smock pocket, handing it to Matt. “See you in a few weeks.”

  Matt unwrapped the sucker and before he stuck it in his mouth he said to the doctor, “Does this mean your wife’s not fooling around on you?”

  “Excuse me?” the doctor said, turning to look at Elliott now, who winked at him. The doctor turned back to Matt. “I’m not even married.” He turned and left the room.