Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Eric looked at Elliott. “I doubt this guy even knows what’s going on at his two houses,” he said. “As long as he gets his rent, he probably stays out of their way.”

  Champlain returned with a small metal lock box and set it on the coffee table. He sat on the sofa and opened the box, digging through its contents and eventually pulling out one lease and then another. He looked at the names on each lease and said, “Jose Sanchez lives in one and Manuel Lopez lives in the other.”

  “Can I have a look at those?” Eric said, reaching for the leases. He pulled his notepad from his pocket, clicked his pen and copied the information from the leases before handing them back to Champlain. “Thank you very much, Mr. Champlain,” Eric said, rising from the chair he’d been sitting in.

  “There’s no trouble with my houses, is there?” Champlain said in his frail voice.

  “Not that I know of at this time,” Eric said. “I’ll be in touch if I need to speak with you further. Thanks again, Mr. Champlain.”

  The three men left the Champlain residence and met back at the curb. Eric turned to Elliott. “I’ve got another idea,” he said, fishing his phone from his pocket and asking for Mary in records again. When Mary came back on the line, Eric asked her to look up information on one Manuel Lopez and any vehicle that may be registered to him.

  Mary didn’t even have to call Eric back again. She had that information in front of her on her computer screen. “Mr. Lopez has just one vehicle registered to him,” she told Eric. “It’s a 1998 green Ford Explorer.” She read the license plate number off her screen and Eric jotted it down in his notepad.

  “Once again you’re a life saver, Mary,” Eric said. “Now go give yourself a raise.”

  Mary laughed. “If only,” she said. “Is there anything else I can get for you today?”

  “That’s it for now, Mary,” Eric said. “Would you connect me to the front desk again?”

  “Anything for you, Lieutenant,” Mary said, putting Eric on hold.

  The desk sergeant came on the line and Eric instructed him to get out an APB on one 1998 green Ford Explorer and read him the license plate number. “Tell them to be careful. These guys are to be considered armed and dangerous.”

  “I’ll get that out right away, Lieutenant,” the sergeant said and hung up.

  “Now we wait,” Eric told Elliott and Matt. “That’ll be it for today. If you guys want to knock off, I’m going back to the precinct. Thanks for your help, both of you. I’ll let you know what happens when I hear.”

  “Thanks, Eric,” Elliott said. “Glad we could help. Be sure and call me if we can do anything else.”

  Eric drove back to the twelfth precinct. Elliott and Matt drove back to their office so Matt could pick up his car. They said their good nights and drove back to their homes. Gloria was waiting in the kitchen when Elliott walked in, looking beat.

  “Long day?” Gloria said.

  “You have no idea,” Elliott said, smiling.

  “Something funny about being beat?” Gloria asked, handing Elliott his nightly glass of chocolate milk.

  Elliott sat at the kitchen table, sipped from his milk and turned to Gloria. “Sometimes that son of yours cracks me up. Today while we were riding around checking out some places of business for Eric, he asked me about babies?”

  “A little late for that, isn’t it?”

  “Exactly what I said,” Elliott told Gloria.

  “And what did your son say?”

  “He blew that off and instead wanted to know what to do once the baby got here,” Elliott explained. “You know, like how to handle it and feed it and all that other fun stuff that comes with having a baby. He was actually afraid he might hold it wrong and break it.”

  Gloria smiled now. “He is his father’s son,” she said.

  “Huh?”

  “You were the same way, Elliott,” Gloria said. “When Matt first came along and the nurse wanted to hand you to him, you turned white and looked like you were going to throw up. Remember?”

  “I did?” Elliott said. “No, I don’t remember it that way at all.”

  “So what did you tell him?” Gloria asked.

  “I told him to look it up in the owner’s manual that comes with every baby,” Elliott said, smiling and rolling his eyes.

  “No one likes a smart ass,” Gloria said. “No, really, what did you tell him?”

  “I told him to do what every new parent is expected to do,” Elliott said. “Learn it as you go along. The baby’s not made of glass and you’re not going to break him, or words to that effect.”

  “Him?” Gloria said. “It could just as easily be a her.”

  “Or her,” Elliott conceded. “Have you talked to Chris yet about what they plan to name their first born?”

  Gloria got a faraway look in her eye and sighed. “She said they were thinking about Veronica for a girl and Nicholas for a boy,” Gloria said.

  “Don’t forget Heywood,” Elliott said.

  “Who’s Heywood?” Gloria said.

  Elliott explained how Matt had yanked his chain for a few minutes with that name before letting him off the hook.

  “Heywood,” Gloria said, laughing halfway through the word.

  “I didn’t think it was funny, when I thought he was serious,” Elliott said.

  “No,” Gloria explained. “I was thinking of someone else at that moment. Remember Don Knotts in The Shakiest Gun…?”

  “…In The West,” Elliott said, completing Gloria’s sentence. “Yes, Matt explained the connection to me. Funny, but I never knew Don Knotts’ real name was Jesse, did you?”

  “Who doesn’t?” Gloria said. “I remember seeing an interview with Andy Griffith shortly after Don Knotts died and he was telling the interviewer how he was there at Don’s bedside just a few hours he died. Don was apparently almost blind at that point and Andy was holding his hand and saying something like, ‘I’m here, Jesse’ and then explained to the interviewer that Jesse was Don’s real first name. It brought a tear to my eye when I saw that, let me tell you.”

  “Bottom line is,” Elliott said, “that we won’t be stuck with a grandson named Heywood, thank goodness.”

  “Or a granddaughter named Jesse,” Gloria added. “It is one of those names that could be for either sex.” They both fell silent on the subject of grandchildren for a moment before Gloria asked, “So what were you going to say about the rest of your day?”

  Over at Matt’s house, Chris was sitting in her favorite overstuffed chair when Matt came in the door later than usual. Chris looked up and smiled when she saw him. She started to push herself out of the chair when Matt held up one palm toward her.

  “Don’t get up,” Matt said. “Just relax.” He sat on the arm of the chair, leaned over and kissed Chris before laying a hand on her stomach. “How are you two doing tonight?”

  Chris smiled. “We’re both doing fine,” she said. “Veronica’s getting anxious to meet you.”

  Matt sighed. “Veronica? How can you be so sure it’s going to be a girl?”

  “Woman’s intuition?” Chris said, smoothing her hand over her bulge. “I can tell by the way she kicks.”

  Matt looked down at the bulge and then into Chris’s eyes. “Why don’t we just get that ultra sound and find out for sure? That way we can be prepared.”

  “That’s like saying why don’t we open our Christmas presents in August because we don’t have the will power to wait and be surprised.”

  “Aren’t you the least bit curious?” Matt said.

  “I am, I really am,” Chris said. “But I just don’t want to spoil the surprise when the nurse brings my baby to me for the first time.”

  Matt sighed in resignation. “I suppose so,” he said. “It’s times like these that I wish I was Superman, with his X-ray vision. Then I could find out and keep it to myself.”

  “You’ll find out when I find out,” Chris explained.

  “I can wait,” Matt said, kissing Chris’s forehead an
d retreating to the kitchen to scrounge up supper for the two of them.

  The next morning when Matt came into the office, Elliott was standing at the window looking down at the traffic on Hollywood Boulevard. He turned when he heard the door open. “Morning, Matt,” he said. “Did you give Chris a kiss for me like I asked?”

  Matt snapped his fingers and turned toward the door again. “I forgot,” he said. “I’ll go do it now.”

  “No one likes a smart ass,” Elliott said.

  “What, is that like your favorite saying lately?” Matt said.

  “Huh?”

  “I think I’ve heard you say that half a dozen times in the past couple of weeks,” Matt explained. “You better write yourself some new material. That one’s getting stale.”

  “No one likes an intelligent buttock,” Elliott said. “You like that one better?”

  Matt rolled his eyes and turned to close the office door just as Lieutenant Anderson walked in.

  “Morning, men,” Eric said. “Beautiful morning, isn’t it?”

  “You get laid last night?” Elliott said.

  Eric smiled and shook his head. “Don’t I wish? No, actually I got lucky in another way?”

  “Oh?” Elliott said, shooting a quick look at Matt.

  “No one likes a smart ass,” Eric said.

  Matt laughed out loud.

  “What’s so funny, Matt?” Eric said.

  Matt waved him off. “Nothing, Eric,” he said. “Inside joke. So, anyway, you were telling us how you got lucky last night.”

  “Oh, right,” Eric said. “We caught up with Sanchez and Lopez last night. Got ‘em both, only Lopez didn’t want to be taken alive so we had to accommodate him. Andy Reynolds has him on a slab in the morgue.”

  “What happened to Sanchez?” Elliott said.

  “He’s cooling his heels in a cell downtown,” Eric explained. “He’s still not talking, but I think we have enough circumstantial evidence on both of them to put Sanchez away for the rest of his life.”

  Matt walked up to Eric and held one hand out, palm up. “You da man,” Matt said, waiting for Eric to slap his palm.

  Eric just looked down at Matt’s palm and then glanced over at Elliott. “What’s happening to your partner, Elliott? I’m guessing he didn’t learn this from you?”

  Elliott shook his head. “I think it’s from spending too much time on the streets,” he told Eric. Elliott turned to Matt and added, “Go take a look in the mirror.” He gestured toward the mirror than hung over the sink in the corner.

  A puzzled look played over Matt’s face as he withdrew his palm, somewhat embarrassed, from in front of Eric and stepped over to the mirror. He looked at his reflection and then turned to Elliott. “Okay, so now what?”

  “What do you see, Matt?” Elliott said.

  “Huh?” Matt said, really puzzled now.

  Elliott stepped over next to Matt and looked into the mirror with him. He gestured toward Matt’s reflection. “Has any part of you turned black?” Matt started to turn toward Elliott, who grabbed Matt chin and turned his face back toward the mirror before repeating his last question. “Well?”

  “No,” Matt said. “What’s your point?”

  “My point is the same point I’ve been trying to drill into you since you joined me here at the family business,” Elliott said. “That image is everything to us and to this business, remember? So kindly leave the street lingo and mannerisms in the street.”

  “This sounds like a family talk,” Eric said. “I’d better get moving.”

  “No, stick around, Eric,” Elliott told him. “Someday you may have a son of your own and you may have to have this same talk with him.”

  “Not very likely,” Eric said. “I’ve managed to stay a bachelor this long. I think I can ride it out to the end of the line as a single. And besides, even if some wily female did manage to snare me, I’m already pushing sixty, just like you. If I had a kid at this stage of my life, he’d be changing my diapers before he graduated from high school. Nope, I’ll have to be content to stick with the job.”

  Elliott turned toward Eric and smiled. “Boy,” he said. “You really are badge to the bone.”

  Matt immediately pointed his finger in Elliott’s face. “Badge to the bone?” he said. “Now who’s talking street here?”

  Eric smiled. “He’s got you there, Elliott,” he said. “But I have to admit, it has kind of a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?”

  Elliott shrugged and spread his hands. “Not bad.” Elliott and Matt stepped away from the mirror. Elliott looked at Eric again. “So, can I stop down and pick up a check from your department for our work?”

  Eric tossed his head to one side. “Come on,” he said. “I’m going that way myself.”

  Elliott looked at Matt. “I’ll be right back. Keep an eye on the place, will you?”

  Matt shoed them both out the door with a flick of his wrist.

  Elliott and Eric rode the elevator to the first floor and got into their cars. Elliott followed Eric back to the twelfth precinct, picked up his check and thanked the lieutenant. “You’ve got my number if you ever need any more help.”

  Eric laid a hand on Elliott’s shoulder. “Can I be serious for a minute, Elliott?”

  “Sure,” Elliott said.

  “That really is some kid you’ve got there,” Eric said. “I mean, his little idiosyncrasies aside, he’s going to turn into one hell of a private eye someday. And hell, I’ll be putting in for retirement in a year and a half. I’ll have thirty years on the force and one hell of a pension. And you, well maybe it’s time to turn the reigns over to the next generation of Coopers. Oh, I don’t mean tomorrow, but let’s say, about the time I retire. Wouldn’t that give you kind of a nice goal to shoot for?”

  Elliott stared off into space for a moment before responding. “It’s not like I haven’t given it some thought myself,” he said. “But Matt needs a partner. Our business has grown into a two-man operation. How could he handle it alone?”

  “What did you do when Clay couldn’t continue?” Eric said.

  “I hired Gloria,” Elliott said.

  “And that’s the reason you have someone to turn the business over to when you finally do pull the plug,” Eric said. “I’m sure Matt can handle things for a while and if he needs help somewhere down the road, he can always put an ad in the paper.”

  “When did you say you were planning to retire?” Elliott said.

  “A year from this coming July,” Eric explained. “July fifth, to be exact.”

  “Is there something special about that date?” Elliott asked. “Why the fifth?”

  “So I’ll get paid for the fourth and not have to work that day,” Eric explained. “Now we’re talking a real celebration here, fireworks and all.” He patted Elliott on the shoulder and added, “Just give it some thought, pal. You’ve got eighteen months to decide.”

  “Eighteen months?” Elliott said.

  “You don’t think I’m going fishing by myself, do you?” Eric said and then smiled. “I need someone to row the boat.”

  “All right,” Elliott said. “I’ll think about it.” He waved the check over his head as he walked away. “Thanks for the work.”

  Elliott drove back to the office after stopping at the bank to deposit Eric’s check. He and Matt spent the rest of the day in relative peace and quiet.

  *****

  It was a crisp May morning four months later when Matt drove Chris to the hospital shortly after ten-thirty. They wheeled her up to surgery and told Matt to have a seat in the waiting room. Elliott and Gloria joined him fifteen minutes after he’d called them both. The three of them sat, paced, read magazines, talked and paced some more. Three hours had passed and there was still no word about Chris or the baby.

  Matt turned to Gloria. “Did I take this long to be born?” he said.

  “Longer,” Gloria explained. “I was in labor for nearly six hours. The first one always takes the longest. Don’t worry; Chr
is will come thought this just fine.”

  “The first one?” Matt said. “This is going to be the only one, no matter what we have. I don’t want to have to go through this again.”

  Matt sighed and tried sitting again, but that didn’t last long before he found himself pacing again. “Forty-five minutes later the doctor poked his head into the waiting room and said, “Mr. Cooper?”

  Elliott and Matt both said, “Yes?” at the same time before Elliott realized that the doctor was referring to Matt.

  “How’s my wife, doctor?” Matt said anxiously. “How’s Chris doing?”

  “The mother came thought it like a champion,” the doctor said.

  “And, and,” Matt said. “What about the baby?”

  “Baby?” the doctor said.

  “Yes, the baby,” Matt said. “What was it?”

  The doctor looked past Matt and smiled at Elliott before turning back to Matt. “It wasn’t anything,” he said. “They were twins—a boy and a girl—both healthy and eager to meet their new daddy. We’ll be bringing mother and children into the recovery room in a few minutes. You can visit them for a few minutes, but then Mrs. Cooper is going to need her rest. She’s been through a tough labor and she’s understandably tired.”

  Matt grabbed the doctor’s hand and pumped it vigorously. “Thank you, doctor,” he said, an ear to ear grin filling his face. “Thank you so much.”

  Elliott briefly shook the doctor’s hand and followed Matt out of the waiting room. As Gloria passed the doctor, she gave his a peck on his cheek. “Thank you,” she said, and followed her men to the recovery room. The three of them waited as an orderly wheeled Chris into the recovery room and transferred her to the bed. He wheeled the gurney back out to the hall again.

  Matt rushed up to the bedside and grabbed Chris’s hand. Tears ran down his cheeks as he looked into her face. “Did they tell you?” he said.