Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  He recalled his neighbor, Ginny Stewart and the way she looked before she’d had her face lifted. She was a handsome woman in her mid-fifties with brown hair that was starting to turn gray. Once she had decided to color her hair back to its natural brown, she went a little further and replaced her middle-aged wardrobe with younger looking clothes. Ginny discarded her wire-rimmed glasses and bought the latest style of eyewear. She liked what she saw and decided to take the next step in her transformation. Her husband had died three years earlier and Ginny figured she might as well try to present herself in the best possible light if she expected to attract another man.

  Ginny consulted with a plastic surgeon, discussed the pros and cons of the procedures, weighed the risks against the benefits and decided to go ahead with her face lift. Afterwards, she spent several days with her face covered by bandages and on the day the doctor removed the wrappings, Ginny nearly fainted when she saw the swelling and the bruises and the stitches on her face. She looked like Doctor Frankenstein had mugged and beat her up and left her for dead. Her doctor assured her that in just a few more days her swelling would go down and the bruising would fade. He told her that the stitches would eventually be absorbed into her face and that she wouldn’t even be able to tell where her face had been cut in order to stretch the skin taught. She cried herself to sleep that night.

  As promised, the doctor saw Ginny in his office several days later to observe her progress. And, as he had promised her, Ginny’s swelling had subsided, along with the bruising. There were still vague traces of the stitches but a week later Ginny couldn’t even see those anymore. Now when she looked in the mirror she liked what she saw and spent more time than usual staring at her image. Finally she could get out there in public and practice her flirting skills, something she had not had to do in nearly forty years.

  When Eddie Roman saw Ginny in her back yard a month after the procedure, he remarked to her that he thought she looked twenty years younger and Ginny ate the attention up with a spoon. Whereas in the past, Eddie might have spent thirty seconds talking to his neighbor over the fence, today twenty minutes had slipped by before he knew it. He was fascinated in Ginny’s transformation and wanted to know all the details of the procedure, the healing time and how satisfied Ginny was with the results.

  “After Norman died,” Ginny told Eddie, “I thought my life was over. I read somewhere that the odds of a woman my age finding another mate were something like eight per cent. Well, I have to tell you, I’m not sure what the percentage is now, but I don’t even care. I have enough inner confidence now to be the aggressive one, if I need to.”

  Eddie reached out with his hand and said, “Would you mind if I touched your face, Ginny?”

  Ginny hesitated and looked sideways at Eddie.

  “I promise I’ll be gentle,” Eddie assured her. “I just want to feel how smooth it is now. Please?”

  Ginny raised her chin and leaned toward Eddie. Eddie felt Ginny’s cheeks, forehead, neck and nose. He smiled at the feel of Ginny’s soft, smooth skin. “Ginny,” he said, “If I were twenty years younger...”

  “You’d be sixteen,” Ginny said.

  “I mean, if I was twenty years older,” Eddie corrected. “I’d give you a whirl myself.” He smiled at her and she couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of it. Here she was, old enough to be Eddie’s mother and he was coming on to her. It felt good, Ginny decided.

  “You’re sweet, Eddie,” Ginny said. “Thank you for that.”

  “I meant it,” Eddie said and then added, “Listen, could I get the name of your doctor?”

  “Why?” Ginny said. “You’re not even forty yet. Why would you need a plastic surgeon at this point in your life?”

  “Oh, I don’t know,” Eddie said. “Maybe I’m just ready for a change. Well, that and...” His voice trailed off.

  “Eddie,” Ginny said, “You can hardly notice that. I wouldn’t worry about it.”

  Eddie felt his own face, aware of the scare that he’d gotten after his motorcycle accident as a young man. Over the past fifteen years the scar had become less noticeable, but Eddie had been aware of it every time he looked in the mirror. Ginny may have been right about the scar not being very noticeable, but Eddie had always wanted to have something done to correct that minor disfigurement. Now that he’d seen Ginny’s results, Eddie found a renewed streak of hope that someday his face could also be perfect.

  “Please, Ginny,” Eddie said. “This scar has been something I’ve been keenly aware of for a long time now. I think it’s time I finally did something about, if only for my own peace of mind.”

  ‘Well, if you feel that strongly about it,” Ginny said. “Wait here. I’ll be right back.” She retreated to her house and returned a minute later with the doctor’s business card, handing it to Eddie. “Tell him I recommended him and we’ll split the referral fee. He’ll give me a hundred dollars for your referral and I’ll split it with you.”

  Eddie dropped the card in his pocket, thanked Ginny and returned to the comfort of his own home. He sat at his desktop computer and loaded a picture of himself onto the screen of his graphics manipulation program. With a few strokes of one of the color pens available in the graphics program, Eddie erased the scar from his image and leaned back to stare at the results. He made up his mind to visit the doctor’s office at his first opportunity.

  Eddie made his appointment with the doctor who had worked miracles on Ginny and was scheduled for surgery three weeks later. The doctor concentrated first on Eddie’s scar and then tucked his chin, his eyes and his nose. He took care of all of Eddie’s requests and six hours later Eddie was wheeled out of surgery and into the recovery room, where he lay sleeping for the next few hours. When he awoke, he couldn’t see anything. His entire head, with the exception of his nose and mouth had been wrapped in white gauze.

  “Well, Mr. Roman,” a nurse at Eddie’s bedside said when Eddie began to stir. “How are you feeling?” Then she realized Eddie shouldn’t answer her. “Never mind, Mr. Roman. Don’t try to talk. The doctor will take your bandages off in a few days. Would you like a drink of water?”

  Eddie nodded slightly and the nurse stuck the bent end of a straw between Eddie’s bandages and into his mouth. Eddie sucked in a little water, swallowed and opened his mouth again.

  The nurse pulled the straw away. “Moderation, Mr. Roman,” she said.

  “Uhhhhhh,” Eddie moaned.

  “I’m sorry, Mr. Roman,” the nurse said. “You’re bound to be a little sore for a while. Just try to make the best of it and don’t move any more than you have to. I’ll check in with you again in an hour or so. Why don’t you try to get some more sleep? It’ll do you good.” She walked out of the room, leaving Eddie lying there in silence.

  Little by little, day by day, Eddie healed and was able to take more nourishment. Four days later Eddie’s doctor sat at his bedside to remove the bandages.

  As he began to slice the gauze, the doctor said, “Now Eddie, you’ll have to realize that your face will be swollen and bruised after the bandages come off. It could take several more days before the bruising goes away and the swelling subsides. So don’t be alarmed when you see your reflection. “

  The doctor unwrapped the last of the gauze strips and laid his scissors down. “Are you ready, Mr. Roman?” he said as he picked up the mirror and handed it to Eddie.

  Eddie hesitated briefly and then held the hand mirror up in front of his face. He gasped when he saw the black and blue and yellow hues that colored his fat, puffy face. Eddie quickly laid the mirror down on his check again. His breathing was coming more quickly now.

  “Remember Eddie,” the doctor said, “It will take several days before you will be able to see the improvements. Just don’t be alarmed. You will heal. Everybody does.”

  “Eddie brought his hand to his face, right about where the scar had been for all those years. He felt the stubble of several stitches instead.

  “It’s gone,” the doctor s
aid, anticipating Eddie’s question.

  Eddie’s head remained stationary while his eyes shifted to the doctor’s face. “Completely?”

  “In a week, after the stitches dissolve, you’ll never know there ever had been a scar there.”

  “I sure hope you’re right about that, doc,” Eddie said.

  The doctor patted Eddie’s shoulder. “Just give it time, but for now just try and get as much rest as you can. I’ll check back with you in the morning and if everything looks good, you can finish your recuperation

  at home. How does that sound?”

  A single tear rolled down Eddie’s face. “Thank you, doctor.” He turned away as the doctor left the room.

  The following morning Eddie was released without fanfare. His neighbor, Ginny, came to pick him up in her car and drove him home again. Eddie was silent all the way home.

  “I know exactly how you’re feeling, Eddie,” Ginny said. “I didn’t even want to look at anyone else after I was released.” She pulled to the curb in front of Eddie’s house and killed the engine. “If you need anything at all, just call me. I know how it is, believe me.”

  “Thanks, Ginny,” Eddie said, sliding out of the car and hurrying into his house.

  On the fourth day after Eddie woke up, he lightly stepped into the bathroom, flipped on the light and checked his reflection in the medicine cabinet mirror. The doctor had been right. Almost all of the swelling and bruising had disappeared. The stitches had dissolved, leaving a smooth patch of skin where Eddie’s scar had been. He had to smile to himself as he turned his head both ways, trying to see his reflection from several angles. He liked what he saw, but the face that looked back at him was a stranger. His own mother wouldn’t recognize him now.

  Eddie returned to his bedroom closet and found a portrait of himself from eight months ago. He brought it with him back to the bathroom and held it up next to the mirror. It held little resemblance to the person staring back at him. Eddie looked at the portrait again. “Goodbye, stranger,” he said, tearing the photo into little pieces and flushing it down the toilet. Eddie was eager to get out in public with his new face. He wanted to present the new Eddie Roman to the world.

  After a quick shower and shave, Eddie dressed, ate a light breakfast and left the house through the back door. Ginny was in her back yard, hanging clothes on the wash line. She looked up when Eddie came closer.

  There was no hint of recognition on her part.

  “Are you looking for Mr. Roman?” Ginny said as the stranger approached. “He should be home.”

  Eddie smiled and walked even closer. “Ginny,” he said.

  And then she got it. “Eddie? Is that you? My goodness, you look terrific. “

  Eddie ran his hand over the spot where his scar had been. Ginny recognized that movement immediately. “It’s gone, your scar.”

  A wide toothy smile filled Eddie’s face. “Like it was never there,” he ­said. “Thanks, Ginny, for telling me about your doctor. The guy’s a genius.”

  “I knew you’d like him,” Ginny said.

  “Gotta run, Ginny,” Eddie said. “I’ll talk to you later.” Eddie opened his garage door, slid behind the wheel of his sedan and pulled out into the street. He drove downtown and parked in the lot behind the sporting goods store on Hollywood Boulevard. He wanted to walk the street and look into people’s faces as a new person to get their reaction to him. Eddie noticed several women stopping to turn and give him a second look. Eddie liked that but kept walking. At the corner stood a patrolman, waiting for the light to change. Eddie took up a position alongside the cop and waited with him.

  A few seconds later the cop casually turned and looked at Eddie before looking straight ahead again. A split second later the cop did a double-take that would have fit seamlessly into any sitcom.

  The light changed and Eddie took one step off the curb before he felt himself being jerked back by his elbow. He looked up to see that the cop had a hold of Eddie’s elbow. “Excuse me,” Eddie said, jerking his arm out of the cop’s grip. “But the light changed. I wasn’t walking against the light, so if you don’t mind, I’m going to get going.”

  The cop got another grip on Eddie’s arm and pulled him back up onto the curb. He pulled Eddie aside, away from the crowd crossing the intersection. “Are you crazy, walking around out in the open like this?”

  “What are you talking about?” Eddie said.

  “Boy, you must not want to live very long,” the cop said. “I think you’d better come with me for now.”

  “What for?” Eddie said indignantly. ­

  “For your own good,” the cop said, pulling Eddie up against the building. “Just stay right where you are.” The cop pressed the button on his shoulder microphone and called the twelfth precinct, requesting a unit to meet him at his location. The desk sergeant at the twelfth said he’d send a unit over immediately and broke the connection.

  Less than two minutes later a black and white cruiser pulled up to the curb and the patrol cop, a policeman with two stripes on his shoulder, eased Eddie into the back seat and followed him in. They made it back to ­the station house a few minutes later. He walked Eddie inside and down the hall where he stopped in front of Lieutenant Eric Anderson’s office. The cop knocked and opened the door, leading Eddie inside.

  Eric looked up momentarily and then back down at his paperwork. Like the patrolman, Eric also did a double-take when he saw the ­patrolman’s prisoner. He looked up again and then over at the patrolman, a cop named Brody. “Officer Brody,” Eric said. “Wherever did you find him?”

  “Funniest thing,” Brody said. “He was just walking the boulevard, like he didn’t have a care in the world.”

  “Would someone mind telling me what this is all about,” Eddie said. “Last I heard you guys could still get in trouble for false arrest.”

  “You’re just lucky Officer Brody here brought you in when he did,” Eric said.

  Eddie looked at Brody as if he’d grown a third eye. He looked back at Eric. “Why?”

  “You must not want to live much longer, Bergetti,” Brody said. “Do­ you have any idea how many guys are out looking for you right now?”

  “Hold on just a minute,” Eddie said. “For one, I don’t know of anyone looking for me and for two, who the hell is this Bergetti fellow?”

  Eric and Brody exchanged glances. Eric looked back at the man standing in front of him. “Are you going to stand there and tell me you’re not Frankie Bergetti?”

  “If that’s the name,” Eddie said. “Then yeah, that’s what I’m saying. My name is Eddie Roman. I don’t know anyone name Frankie Bergetti. Should I?”

  Eric was on his feet now, going nose to nose with Eddie. “Look, personally I don’t care if your playmates gun you down, carve you up or beat the livin’ shit out of you. I just don’t want them doing it before you make it to court next week.”

  “All right,” Eddie said. “That’s it. Unless you’ve got some charge against me, I’m leaving.” Officer Brody blocked Eddie path to the door. Eddie looked back at Eric. “Are you arresting me?”

  “Look, Frankie, we need your testimony,” Eric said. It’s important, and you agreed you’d testify. Without your testimony, your buddies could walk. Either way, they’re going to come after you and I wouldn’t give you more than a two percent chance of making it to the end of the day if you walk out that door.”

  For the first time, Eddie’s face showed signs of concern. “You guys are serious, aren’t you? I mean, you really think I’m this Bergetti guy, don’t you?”

  Eric turned away, pulled a drawer open on his filing cabinet and withdrew a manila folder. He pulled out Frank Bergetti’s mug shot and held it up in front of Eddie’s face. “See anyone familiar?” ­

  Eddie’s eye got wide as he stared at the mug shot. He looked up at the mirror hanging behind Eric’s desk and then back at the mug shot. Eddie had to steady himself on Eric’s desk or he would have collapsed right there on the floor. “Oh no,”
was all he could muster.

  “I think you’d better break out some I.D.,” Eric said.

  Brody helped Eddie to his feet again. Eddie pulled out his wallet and retrieved his driver’s license, handing it to Eric.

  Eric looked at the license and then back at Eddie. “Yeah, what’s this?”

  “That’s my driver’s license,” Eddie said and then realized why the photo didn’t match. “I get it now. Ten days ago I had a scar removed from my jaw and while he was at it, the doctor did some nip and tuck on my face. I don’t look like that anymore.”

  “No kidding,” Eric said. “Come on, let’s see your real license.” Eddie yanked the license away from Eric and stuffed it back into his wallet. “That was my real license,” he insisted. “It looks like I’ll have to get a new one.”

  Officer Brody stepped forward and whispered something in Eric’s ear. Eric nodded and turned back to Eddie. “I know how we can settle this once and for all. Would you give us your fingerprints so we can compare them to the ones we already have in your file?”

  “That’s not my file.” Eddie was almost yelling now.

  “So, is that a yes on the prints?” Eric said.

  “Fine,” Eddie said. “Let’s get this over with once and for all.”

  Eric looked at Brody. “I’ll take him down myself. You can get back on patrol.”

  “Yes, sir,” Brody said and then left Eric’s office.

  Eric led Eddie down the hall to the fingerprint room. “Would you roll up your sleeves and take off your watch?” Eric said.

  Eddie did as he was told and stepped up to the table. Eric took Eddie’s left hand and moved it to the ink pad, pressing the index finger into the inked foam before rolling it across the paper. He repeated this procedure for all ten digits and then took a four-print of all the fingers on each hand before handing Eddie a moist towel to clean his fingertips. Eric removed the card from the holder and walked Eddie back to his office for a comparison.

  “Have a seat,” Eric said, setting the new fingerprint card down on his desk. He pulled the mug shot card from Bergetti’s folder and laid it alongside the new card. It only took him a few seconds to realize the prints didn’t match. He looked up at Eddie, a question playing on his face.