Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  Keeping one eye on traffic and one eye on the cell phone, Matt managed to dial Gloria’s cell again. She answered right away.

  “Matt,” Gloria said. “Where are you? Are you all right?”

  “Where’s Dad?” Matt said.

  “Hold on.”

  A second later Elliott came on the phone. “Matt, where are you?”

  “Dad?” Matt said. “Where are you calling from and why is Mom with you?”

  “We’re both here at home,” Elliott said.

  “Home?” Matt said. “Didn’t Mom give you my message?”

  “She did,” Elliott said.

  “Then why didn’t you head for San Marcos?”

  “Matt,” Elliott said. “Settle down a little and I can explain.” Elliott cleared his throat. “I tried calling you back as soon as I got home from the store but no one answered.”

  “My battery went dead,” Matt explained. “But that doesn’t explain why you’re still home and not on your way down here.”

  “I figured as much,” Elliott said. “Your mother told me that you thought you were being followed and I couldn’t figure out why or who so I called Eric and told him about your call. He got a call from some guy down there by the name of Dave Gast, who called the San Marcos Police to report a drive-by shooting. He told them about you and Eddie and where you were from. Well, they called Eric and got the story from him and just a few hours ago the San Marcos Police picked up the two shooters. They’re in custody down there.”

  “Well, that explains why they weren’t laying for us when we got back to the van,” Matt said.

  “There’s one more thing, Matt,” Elliott said. “Bergetti, the real Bergetti is dead.”

  “Dead?” Matt said, surprised. “What happened?”

  “Obviously Boyle caught up with him,” Elliott explained. “And with those two yahoos in custody in San Marcos, you’re free to come home without having to look over your shoulder all the way. That’s why I’m still up here. So, where are you now, Matt?”

  “We’re on Highway 15, just a few miles south of Murietta,” Matt said. “We’re still seventy-five miles from home.”

  Elliott checked his watch. “So I guess we’ll see you in an hour and a half or so.”

  “Maybe longer,” Matt said. “I have to drop Eddie off first, and Eric might want to talk to us. Figure two or two and a half hours. I’ll call you when I know more.”

  “Well, we’re glad to hear that you’re all right, son,” Elliott said. “I’ll talk to you later. Goodbye.”

  Matt turned toward the back of the van for a second. “You can get up now, Eddie. Come on, sit up front with me.”

  “What about…?”

  “No problem,” Matt said. “It’s over.” He explained the series of circumstances to Eddie, ending with the real Frankie Bergetti’s death at the hands of Louie Boyle.

  “And what happened to Boyle?” Eddie said.

  Matt paused. “I don’t know. I didn’t think to ask Dad when I had him on the phone. Lieutenant Anderson will know more. We can ask him when we see him.”

  “I just wanna get home and go to sleep,” Eddie said.

  “And I’ll bet you sleep like a baby after all this,” Matt said.

  They drove north for another hour and a quarter, taking the Hollywood Freeway off ramp at Hollywood Boulevard and driving west. A few minutes later they found themselves in the parking lot behind Matt’s office. He and Eddie took the elevator to the third floor and settled down in Matt’s office.

  “Just let me make a quick call to Eric,” Matt said, picking up his phone. “If his questions can wait until tomorrow, I’ll take you home. Hang on a minute while I check.”

  Matt got the desk sergeant at the twelfth precinct and found out that Eric had left for the day. Matt thanked the sergeant and hung up, dialing Eric’s home phone. Eric answered right away.

  “Anderson,” Eric said before remembering he wasn’t in his office. “I mean, hello.”

  “Eric, it’s Matt. I already talked to my dad and he told me about Bergetti.”

  “Matt, where are you?”

  “We’re back in town,” Matt explained. “In fact, I’m calling from my office. Just checking to see if you needed to talk to us or if it could wait until tomorrow.”

  “It can wait,” Eric said. “There’s no hurry now.”

  “I suppose not. Say, Eric, I forgot to ask Dad when I had him on the phone. What happened to Louie Boyle?”

  “I don’t know,” Eric said. “After Bergetti turned up dead, Boyle disappeared like a fart in the wind. No one’s seen him since. He’s probably out looking for a good plastic surgeon to change his face.”

  “I know someone who knows someone,” Matt said, referring to Eddie’s doctor.

  “Funny, Cooper,” Eric said. “If I see Boyle, I’ll be sure to tell him about your recommendation.”

  “So I guess we’ll see you tomorrow morning?”

  “All right,” Eric said. “Looks like that will be the last report I ever have to file before I retire. I hope you don’t have anything you need Elliott to do for you for a while. I’ve got dibbs on him for the next week and we’re going fishing.”

  “See you tomorrow, Eric,” Matt said and hung up.

  “I heard most of that,” Eddie said. Looks like I can sleep in my own bed tonight. Can we get going now?”

  “Sure, Eddie,” Matt said. “Just let me lock up and I’ll drive you home.”

  Matt brought Eddie back down to the van and drove Eddie home again. He pulled up to the curb and stopped. Eddie opened the passenger door and was about to step out when Matt said, “So, Eddie, was it worth it all to get the face lift?”

  Eddie paused momentarily and then turned back to Matt. He flipped the passenger visor down, looked into the mirror at his new face and said, “I guess it was. Thanks, Matt. Good night.”

  “Good night, Eddie,” Matt said as he watched Eddie exit the van.

  Eddie was so busy trying to flip the passenger visor up again as he exited the van that he lost his footing, tripped and tumbled to the street. Matt gasped, threw the van in Park and hurried around to the other side of his van. By the time he got there, Eddie was already on his feet, brushing himself off and looking embarrassed over his misstep.

  Matt’s mouth hung open as he looked at Eddie.

  “What?” Eddie said.

  Matt ran his hand over his own jaw, like someone trying to tell the person facing them that they have chocolate on their cheek.

  Eddie ran his hand on his cheek and then looked at it. His hand was bloody and he reached for his face again. More blood and soon the pain hit him. He looked down at the edge of the curb and saw a scrape of blood staining the cement. He looked back at Matt. “I must have hit my face when I fell. I didn’t even feel it then, but it’s beginning to hurt now.”

  “You’d better let me get you to the emergency room,” Matt said.

  Eddie pulled out a handkerchief and held it to his cheek. “Don’t bother. It looks worse than it is. I’ll be all right. I just want to get inside and relax.”

  “Are you sure?” Matt said. “I don’t mind.”

  “Really, Matt,” Eddie insisted. “I’ll be fine. I’ll just rinse it off and I’ll be good as new in the morning.”

  “If you’re sure,” Matt said.

  “I’m sure,” Eddie said, walking away. “I’ll see you tomorrow at the twelfth precinct. Just call me and let me know when to meet you there.”

  “I will,” Matt said before returning to his van and driving back home.

  The next morning after breakfast, Matt called Eric at the twelfth precinct and arranged for him and Eddie to meet for a briefing of the previous day’s events. Matt called Eddie and told him the meeting was set for ten-thirty and hung up. Matt was in Eric’s office a few minutes early when Eddie walked in, a large bandage taped to the side of his face.

  Eric got a wide-eyed look on his face when he saw Eddie. “What happened to you?”

&n
bsp; Eddie almost laughed. “Isn’t that always the way? You can get through a whole day of chaos without a scratch and then trip on the curb and end up with this.” He gestured to this cheek.

  “How bad is it?” Eric said.

  “I rinsed it off when I got inside last night and the cut went pretty deep,” Eddie explained. “I didn’t feel a thing when it first happened, but it throbbed all night. I hardly got any sleep.”

  Matt looked up at Eddie. “You should have let me take you to the emergency room last night. That’s going to leave a scar.”

  Eddie smiled. “Yeah. Ain’t it grand?”

  135 - Egg Zackly

  “Thanks for picking me up, Matt,” Gloria Cooper said as she slid in beside her son. “Elliott’s off fishing with Eric and my car’s in the shop.”

  “No problem, Mom,” Matt said. “It’s on my way to work anyway. So I get there a few minutes early, no big deal. So tell me, what’s with your dentist?”

  “He’s only in the Hollywood office on Tuesdays. The rest of the week he spends at his main office in Anaheim. It’s really inconvenient for times like this but I really need to have this looked at.”

  “I guess downtown Los Angeles would be a lot closer,” Matt said. “Couldn’t you find a dentist right here in Hollywood?”

  “Not on this short notice,” Gloria explained. “I bit down on a pistachio this morning and this is the result.” She smiled widely at Matt, showing him her missing front tooth. “I’d call this an emergency and this guy’s Yellow Pages ad had Emergency Treatment in big, bold letters across the top of his ad and he could get me in right away. I can’t walk around looking like this.”

  Matt laughed and then immediately stifled it. “Sorry, Mom, but you just look like…”

  “I know what I look like,” Gloria said, “and this has to be fixed now.”

  “Why don’t you just find a new dentist closer to home? There has to be someone you’d trust in Hollywood.”

  “I like my regular dentist,” Gloria said. “I’ve been going to him for years and he knows my mouth pretty well by now.”

  “I wonder if any of his regular patients come out with front teeth looking like Goofy.”

  “What are you talking about, Matt?”

  “You know, Anaheim, that whole Disneyland connections, Goofy?”

  “You’ve certainly got your father’s goofy sense of humor,” Gloria said as Matt took the on ramp to the Hollywood Freeway.

  He continued south for a minute or two and was approaching the Western Avenue overpass when something in the oncoming lanes caught his attention. It was a minivan heading directly toward Matt’s vehicle. It swerved out of control, hitting the median divider that separated the north and south lanes. The minivan smashed into the median and bounced back out onto the northbound lanes. Two cars directly behind the minivan couldn’t get out of the way and piled into the back of the minivan, rupturing the gas tank and exploding in a ball of fire.

  Matt slammed on his brakes and pulled to the shoulder just a few yards from the carnage. He jumped out of his vehicle and leapt over the median, running full out toward the burning minivan. The driver’s side door was hanging open and a woman lay unconscious across the steering wheel. From what Matt could see, she was alone in the van. Matt tried to unhook the seat belt that held her in her seat, but the buckle was jammed. He pulled out his pocket knife and cut the seat belt across her shoulder and lap and pulled the woman out of and away from the van before the flames reached the front seat.

  Drivers from both cars that had hit the van were already out of their vehicles and were coming closer to the minivan when flames kept them at bay. Traffic was backing up in the northbound lanes now and Matt could see other cars in the southbound lane pulling over to the shoulder and getting out of their cars. Matt laid the woman down on the pavement and fished his cell phone from his pocket. He dialed 9-1-1 and gave the operator his location and told her to send an ambulance to the scene. He turned his attentions back to the woman again. Her breathing was shallow and rapid and her eyes couldn’t seem to focus when Matt spoke to her.

  From over the cement median Matt could hear Gloria calling to him. “How is she, Matt?”

  “She’s still alive,” Matt said. “I hope that ambulance gets here soon.” The words were no sooner out of his mouth when he could hear the wail of several sirens approaching. A black and white cruiser was first to arrive on the scene. The driver hurried over to where Matt crouched next to the woman, while his partner tried to get traffic moving again and clear a path for the ambulance.

  “What happened here?” the officer said, taking up a position at the woman’s side. He pressed two fingers into the woman’s neck and pulled her eyelids back to have a look at her pupils.

  “I was traveling south and saw this woman in that van,” Matt pointed to the flaming vehicle. “She just seemed to lose control and careened into the median barrier. Those other two cars slammed into her from behind and it caught fire. I cut away her seatbelt and dragged her over here before it exploded.”

  “Did you see what caused the accident?” the officer said.

  Matt shook his head. “I didn’t even notice her until she was coming right toward me. If it hadn’t been for the divider, she’d have hit me head on.”

  By now the entire minivan was engulfed in flames. Traffic was beginning to move again and a minute later an ambulance pulled up to where Matt and the officer were attending to the injured woman. They took over caring for her, giving Matt and the officer an opportunity to step away and discuss the accident.

  Gloria waved from her side of the barrier and the officer turned toward her. “Ma’am, you’re going to have to get back in your car and leave. You’re causing a backup in traffic.”

  “I’m with him,” Gloria said, pointing to Matt. Suddenly she recognized the officer and her face lit up. “Phil, is that you?”

  Officer Philip Carmichael took a closer look now and smiled. “Gloria? Gloria Cooper?” He turned back to Matt. “She’s with you?”

  “She’s my mother,” Matt explained.

  The officer took a closer look at Matt now. “Then you’d be Matt Cooper.”

  “I would that,” Matt said. “Do you know me?”

  “I know your father, Elliott,” Carmichael said, stepping closer to where Gloria stood. He extended his hand and Gloria shook it. “It has been a while, hasn’t it?” he said to Gloria. “Did you see what happened here, too?”

  “I heard what Matt told you earlier,” Gloria said. “I didn’t even see that much. I was looking the other way at the time.”

  Carmichael turned back to Matt. “Tell me everything you remember about this accident.”

  “I already told you all I know,” Matt said.

  The officer wrote Matt and Gloria’s names down on his notepad and got Matt’s office number before excusing himself to help with handling traffic.

  Gloria helped Matt back to her side of the cement median and hugged him. “Are you all right?” she said with motherly concern.

  “Sure,” Matt said, minimizing the events of the past few minutes.

  “You could have been killed when that van blew up,” she said.

  “I couldn’t very well just let that poor woman cook alive in the van. I had to at least try to help.”

  Gloria let out a deep breath and hugged her son again. She released him, stepped back and then remembered her dental appointment. She looked at her watch and then back at Matt. “I’m going to be late,” she said.

  “I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him why,” Matt said. “Come on, maybe we can still make it.” Matt inched his way back into the southbound lane and slowly drove away from the accident scene. A hundred yards further south, the traffic picked up again but the northbound lanes were backed up to the Santa Monica Boulevard overpass. “Remind me not to take the highway on the way back,” he told Gloria.

  Matt pulled to the curb and let Gloria out in front of the dentist’s office. “You go on,”
he said. “I’ll try to find a parking space and meet you inside in a few minutes.” Matt parked half a block away and was walking back toward the dentist’s office when a man approached him on the sidewalk.

  “Pardon me,” the man said, pointing in Matt’s face with his finger. “You’re Cooper, aren’t you?”

  Matt pulled his head back a couple of inches and furrowed his eyes. “Do I know you?”

  “I don’t think so,” the man said. “But I sure know you. Or at least I know of you. I saw your picture in the paper last week. Something about a case you had just completed for some Hollywood businessman. I have to say, I was impressed with how you handled it.”

  “Thanks,” Matt said. “I caught a break on that one, but, yeah, it turned out better than I had hoped. Well, it was nice to meet you, but I have to get going now.”

  The man stepped in front of Matt and held up one hand. “That wasn’t the only reason I stopped you on the street, Mr. Cooper.”

  “Oh?”

  “No, actually, I wanted to know if I could hire your services for a few days.” The man paused, waiting for some sort of reaction.

  Matt reached into his shirt pocket and pulled out one of his business cards. He handed it to the man. “We can talk about it later back at my office, if you like. Right now I have to meet someone in the building here. So if you will excuse me.” He tried stepping around the man.

  “You don’t understand, Mr. Cooper,” the man said. “I’m in trouble and I need a good investigator right away, sooner if possible. I’m willing to pay whatever your going rate is plus a bonus if you can handle this right now.”

  Matt thought about how slow business had been since that last case that this man had read about in the papers. He held up both palms toward the man on the sidewalk. “All right, just let me duck inside for a couple of seconds and let my mother know what’s happening.”

  “Gloria’s here, too?” he said. “That’s perfect. I could use you both on this one.”

  “Now just how do you know my mother?” Matt almost demanded.

  “I met her and Elliott long ago when the two of them were still running the business,” the man explained. “How’s Elliott doing these days? Does he still keep a hand in the P.I. business?”