Cooper By The Gross (All 144 Cooper Stories In One Volume)

by Bill Bernico

  “Oh, that’s right,” she said. “You don’t drink coffee. I’m sorry I don’t have any chocolate milk. How about a soda?”

  “No thanks,” Elliott said. “I have to get going. Gloria’s expecting me home by three. I guess she made plans for us later.”

  Matt slid the .38 back on top of the kitchen cabinet. “Well, that’s our excitement for the day,” he said to his dad. “You weren’t planning any more surprise visits this weekend dressed as Little Bo Peep, were you?”

  That struck Elliott funny and he laughed at the thought of him wearing a frilly blue dress and carrying a shepherd’s hook. “No, I’ll leave you two alone for now. See you Monday.” Elliott let himself out the kitchen door again and disappeared around the corner.

  “What a character,” Matt said. Chris just rolled her eyes.

  The following Monday morning as Matt let himself into the office, he found Elliott already there, dressed in yet another of the many movie costumes he’d bought two days earlier. “What are you doing here already?” Matt said. “I thought you liked to sleep in.” Then he remembered the two dozen costumes hanging in the closet. “Oh, yeah, I forgot. You like to play dress-up.”

  “Nobody likes a smart ass,” Elliott said. “Besides, I think I found a couple of perfect disguises for the both of use next time we tail someone together.” He pulled an outfit off the rack and held it out toward Matt. ‘Go on, try it on.”

  Matt held both hands out, palms up, toward Elliott. “No thanks. Not until that whole lot is washed.”

  “Hey,” Elliott said. “I checked with Paramount this morning and found out that their entire wardrobe was washed after every movie. They’re all clean.”

  “I’ll still pass,” Matt said. “Just my luck I’ll be wearing one of those when a client walks in and catches me in it.”

  As if on cue, the office door opened and Lieutenant Kevin Cole let himself in, accompanied by a uniformed officer carrying a brown grocery bag, its top folded over twice. Kevin looked at Elliott, who was dressed in all white and wearing a white cap with a black visor. “I get the feeling that somewhere there’s a housewife waiting for her milk to be delivered.”

  Elliott snatched the cap off his head and blushed somewhat. “Hey, Kevin,” he said. “What are you doing here?”

  “Where’d you get the uniform, Elliott?”

  Elliott gestured toward his white jacket. “This old thing? I found it hanging in the closet over there.” He pointed to their closet.

  Kevin didn’t smile or comment, but just stared.

  “What’s with the sour face?” Elliott said.

  “I just came from a murder scene,” Kevin said. “Some woman over on Lexington was found this morning by a neighbor. She’d been beaten to death.”

  “Oh, that’s terrible,” Elliott said. “But why would a murder on Lexington bring you to our office?”

  Kevin reached out toward his partner and took the grocery bag from him. He unrolled the top and reached in, producing a greenish-brown coverall with a matching visored cap. “Even seen these before?” Kevin said.

  Elliott’s eyebrows furrowed. “Looks vaguely familiar,” he said. “Where’d you get that?”

  “It was found at the scene,” Kevin explained. “And as you can see, it spattered with blood—the victim’s blood.”

  “I still don’t see why you brought it here,” Elliott said.

  Kevin turned the collar down and showed Elliott the tag that had been sewn into the collar. It said, ‘Property of Paramount Pictures.’ Kevin waited for a reaction.

  Elliott and Matt exchanged glances, both of them at a loss for words. Matt looked at Kevin. “What does this mean?”

  “I’ve already been to the Paramount lot this morning,” Kevin explained. “They were able to match the lot number with an auction they held there Saturday morning. Funny thing about this outfit is that it was part of a lot that was auctioned off to you.” No one said another word for a few moments. “You might want to call your lawyer,” Kevin said, gesturing with his chin toward Elliott’s desk phone.

  Elliott threw the white cap onto the sofa and held both palms up. “Now wait just a minute,” he said. “You can’t think I had anything to do with that woman’s death.”

  Kevin held out the bloody coverall. “This is our only lead and it led me here. What would you do in my place?”

  “Arrest me?” Elliott said.

  Kevin pulled a slip of paper from his pocket and read from it. It was a complete list of the lot of clothing Paramount had auctioned off. Kevin counted down the list and then announced, “Twenty-six costumes. How many do you have here?”

  “Let me check,” Elliott said, pointing at the one he was wearing. “One,” he stepped over to the closet and began counting as he slid each outfit aside. When he’d finished he stepped back out into the office and said, “Twenty-five altogether.”

  “Sorry, Elliott,” Kevin said, pulling a pair of handcuffs off his belt.

  “Wait a minute,” Matt said. “Dad didn’t have anything to do with that woman’s murder.”

  “Now how would you know that?” Kevin said.

  Matt was at a loss for words momentarily and then offered, “He’s not that type.”

  “Really,” Kevin said. “And just what type is he?”

  “Come on, Kevin,” Matt insisted. “You’ve known Dad long enough to know he’s not capable of something like this.”

  “It’s just procedure,” Kevin said. “You can post his bail and he’ll be home in time for lunch. Come on, I don’t like this any better than you do.”

  Kevin held the cuffs out in front of him and waited for Elliott to offer his wrists. He snapped them on Elliott’s wrists loosely and walked him out of the office.

  “I’ll call Mom,” Matt said. “Don’t worry; we’ll get your lawyer over to the twelfth precinct right away.”

  “Thanks, Matt,” Elliott said as he and the two policemen walked down the hall toward the elevator.

  Before the noise of the elevator had even ceased, Matt had called his mother. The phone had rung eight or nine times and Matt was about to hang up when Gloria Cooper came on the line, obviously out of breath. “Mom,” Matt said, “You sound a bit winded.”

  “I had to run in from outside,” Gloria explained. “I was working in the garden. How nice that you remember to call your mother from time to time. How are Chris and the kids?”

  “Some other time, Mom,” Matt said. “I’ve got something more important on my mind. The police were just here at the office and Kevin took Dad to jail. Something about the murder of some woman this morning or last night, I don’t know for sure.”

  “What are you talking about, Matt?” Gloria said.

  “I don’t have time to go into the whole story. Can you just get a hold of your lawyer and meet me at the twelfth precinct? That’s where they took Dad. I’m sure it won’t be too hard to get him out. The harder part may be establishing his alibi.”

  “I’ll call John Marshall right away,” Gloria said. “You get down there right now and see what you can find out about all this.” Gloria hung up and dialed her lawyer.

  Matt placed the phone back in the cradle, locked up the office and drove to the twelfth precinct. Kevin was still processing Elliott, filling out the paperwork and fingerprinting him when Matt walked in. Matt looked at Elliott and said, “Mom’s calling John Marshall. They should be here any time now. We’ll have you out in no time and then we can start looking into this whole mess.”

  Kevin shook his head. “You’d better stay out of this one, Matt. This is a police matter now. We’ll have your dad’s bail set and you can take him home or back to your office, but stay out of our investigation. We don’t need you two messing anything up for us. We want this guy more than you do, but if either of you do anything that would let this guy walk on a technicality, well, I don’t have to tell you what would happen to the both of you, now do I?”

  Elliott caught Matt’s eye and gave a slight shake of his head
. Matt got the inference and nodded. He turned back to Kevin. “All right, we’ll stay out for now, but would you let us know if you find out anything?”

  “Sure,” Kevin said. “Matt, you know I’m just doing my job, right? I mean, even I don’t think your dad had anything to do with this murder, but if I didn’t at least go through the motions, my captain would rip me a new one. You understand.”

  “I suppose so, Lieutenant,” Matt said.

  Gloria and attorney Marshall arrived at the precinct several minutes later. They were both led to Elliott’s cell, Matt following close behind them, and allowed to sit inside with him. “Elliott,” Gloria said, “What’s this all about?”

  Elliott looked out his bars and waited until the jailer had walked out of the room before answering. “You remember those costumes I bought at the Paramount Pictures auction? Well, someone must have stolen one from my car while Matt and I were in the diner having a sandwich.”

  “We weren’t in that diner twenty minutes,” Matt offered. “And the car didn’t show any signs of having been broken into, either.”

  Elliott hung his head. “I probably forgot to lock the back door after I piled those costumes on the back seat.”

  “Don’t beat yourself up over it, Dad,” Matt said. “The main thing here is we all know you didn’t do it. But I mean to find out who did.”

  “Matt,” Elliott said, “You heard what Kevin said about staying out of this.”

  “Screw that, Dad,” Matt said. “I can at least ask around the diner and see if anyone saw somebody go into your car on Saturday.”

  “Tread lightly,” Attorney Marshall said. “We already have enough on our plate dealing with your dad’s release.”

  Elliott gestured with his chin toward the lawyer. “You listen to him, Matt. He knows what he’s talking about. If you’re going to ask around, stay low profile, you hear? Don’t ruffle any feathers or attract any attention to yourself.”

  “Dad,” Matt protested, “You’re talking to the King of Subtle. As far as anyone else knows, I’m just a curious citizen asking around the neighborhood.”

  Gloria turned to Marshall. “How long do you suppose this will take to get Elliott out on bail?”

  “I just have to wait until Mr. Cooper’s bail has been set,” Marshall said. “Lieutenant Cole will have to find a judge who’s available and get a hearing with him. I expect he’ll have to stay here at least overnight, but I’ll have him out first thing in the morning when we can post the bail.”

  “Any idea how much the bail is going to be?” Elliott said.

  “Hard to say at this point,” Marshall said. “Is your house paid for? I mean, is there any mortgage left on it?”

  Gloria shook her head. “No, we paid that off years ago. That should be plenty of collateral for the bail, and we’ll get that all back once Elliott is cleared of this ridiculous charge. I’ll stop and see our banker when I leave here.”

  “No need,” Marshall said. “You don’t need to give the court the actual money. Just turn over the deed to your house and they’ll hold onto it during the proceedings.”

  Fifteen minutes the jailer returned and told everyone that their visiting time was up. Gloria, Matt and John Marshall left the cell, with Marshall promising he’d try to speed thing up for Elliott.

  The next day when Elliott was released, Gloria and Matt were there to pick him up and take him home. Gloria drove their car with Elliott sitting next to her. Matt sat in the back seat and the trip reminded him of when he was younger and sat behind his parents. He knew he might never get this chance again and grabbed the backs of the front seat and pulled himself forward. “Are we there yet?” he said, half laughing. “Can I sit up in front with you?” A minute later he leaned forward again and said, “I have to go to the bathroom.”

  Exasperated, Gloria let out a deep breath and said, “Okay, we get it—the little kid act. The first one was funny. The second one, not so much. And the third one was actually annoying. Now knock it off.” Gloria immediately realized she was being too hard on her son and quickly added, “Or we won’t stop for any ice cream cone on the way home.”

  All three of them broke out in spontaneous laughter, breaking the tension. Matt couldn’t resist one more jab at his dad. “Tell me something Dad, in all seriousness now.” He paused, put on his serious face and said, “What was it like on the inside? I mean what was it like to go that long without a woman?”

  Elliott looked over at Gloria, who looked back. They both had to laugh. Gloria laid one hand on Elliott’s leg and said. “I couldn’t get in while you were locked up, but we can have our conjugal visit when we get home.”

  “That’s more information than I would have liked,” Matt said, settling silently back into the back seat.

  “In fact,” Gloria said, “When I get you home…”

  Matt slapped his hands over his ears. “La la la la la…” he said, trying to drown out any conversation those two people might want to have. That made his parents laugh even harder.

  When the three of them got back to Elliott and Gloria’s house, Matt climbed out of the back seat and immediately headed for his own car.

  “Where are you going?” Elliott called after him.

  “I’ve got to get to work,” Matt called back.

  “When you say work, are you talking about getting back to the office, or going out to the neighborhood near that diner?” Elliott stood like a statue waiting for an answer.

  “I haven’t decided yet,” Matt said and climbed behind the wheel of his car. He pulled away from the curb and drove off toward the diner.

  Elliott turned to his wife. “I guess that answers that,” he said.

  Matt parked his car in the diner’s parking lot, got out and stood about where Elliott had parked his car last Saturday. He scanned the neighborhood, looking for anyone who might happen to be in their yards or on their porches or at their places of business. In short, he was looking for anyone who might have had a view of this parking lot that day. His eyes stopped on a house directly across the street from the parking lot. There was a middle-aged lady bending over in the front yard, pulling weeds of trimming flowers. Matt couldn’t tell from where he stood so he crossed the street and walked up to the lady. The woman seemed startled when she stood up and found a strange man looking back at her. She laid one hand on her chest and gasped.

  “I’m sorry,” Matt said. “I didn’t mean to startle you.” He thought about giving this woman one of his business cards but remembered what his father had told him about remaining low key in his investigation. “Listen, my father and I stopped at the diner across the street last Saturday morning and while we were inside, someone must have broken into his car and taken something from the back seat. I was just wondering if you might have seen anyone hanging around the parking lot that day.”

  “Saturday, you say.” She shook her head. “I couldn’t have seen anything Saturday morning.”

  “Oh?” Matt said. “And why is that?”

  “Because I wasn’t home,” the woman said. “I was at my sister’s house in Burbank and didn’t get home until late that night. Sorry.”

  “That’s all right,” Matt said. “But as long as I’m here, maybe you could tell me if any of your neighbors are known to spend time in their front yards or on their porches.”

  The woman gave the question some thought before offering, “Several of my neighbors do that a lot, that is, I mean they like to sit on their porches and just watch the cars go by. What time of day did you say this happened?”

  Matt thought about it for a moment. His dad picked him up around twenty to ten Saturday morning. They spent a couple of hours at the auction, and a few more minutes getting Elliott’s purchase into the car. He looked back at the woman. “If I remember correctly, we got her around ten to twelve and left again around ten after, maybe quarter after twelve, give or take. So whoever broke into our car would have had to have done it between those times.”

  The woman looked up, deep in t
hought. “Let’s see,” she began. “Mr. Russell one door to the south wouldn’t have been up yet. He works second shift and would still have been sleeping at that time. My neighbor to the north, Mrs. Albright wouldn’t have been out yet. She’s a night owl, staying up until all hours watching television and sleeping past noon.” She thought some more about her neighbors and pointed across the street and three houses north of the diner’s parking lot. “Mr. Johansson might have been on his porch at that time. You could check with him.”

  Matt turned to look where the woman was pointing. “Anyone on that porch wouldn’t have had a view of the parking lot from there, but thanks anyway.” He turned to leave when the woman called out to him.

  “You could try that muffler shop on the corner,” she said. “They open early on Saturday. Of course they also close early, probably around two or three.”

  The muffler shop she was talking about was on the opposite side of the street from the diner’s parking lot and in plain sight. Matt turned back to the woman and waved. “Thank you, I’ll try them.” He walked the short distance to the muffler shop and stepped in through the front door to a buzzing sound that stopped when he closed the door again. A man in dirty coveralls came into the office from the garage area.

  “Good morning,” the man said. The name stitched onto his pocket identified him as someone named Al.

  “Good morning,” Matt replied. “I was just talking to one of your neighbors up the street and she suggested I come and talk to someone here. Matt explained what had happened Saturday around noon. He asked Al if he’d seen anyone hanging around the parking lot at that time.

  Al shook his head. “We were open last Saturday, but I was up to my elbows in a dual exhaust system in the garage. Sorry.”

  “Was there anyone else working here that day?” Matt said.

  Al thought for a moment and then said, “It was just me and Floyd and he was helping me.”

  “Did either of you stop for lunch around then?”

  Al got a faraway look in his eye, recalling the events of Saturday morning. “Come to think of it, Floyd did go into the office for a few minutes to grab a sandwich and a Pepsi.”