by Harms,C. A.
Toxic
Desired Affliction Series,
Book One
C.A. Harms
Toxic
Copyright © 2016 by C.A. Harms.
All rights reserved.
First Print Edition: October 2016
Limitless Publishing, LLC
Kailua, HI 96734
www.limitlesspublishing.com
Formatting: Limitless Publishing
ISBN-13: 978-1-68058-826-2
ISBN-10: 1-68058-826-5
No part of this book may be reproduced, scanned, or distributed in any printed or electronic form without permission. Please do not participate in or encourage piracy of copyrighted materials in violation of the author’s rights. Thank you for respecting the hard work of this author.
This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents either are the product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously, and any resemblance to locales, events, business establishments, or actual persons—living or dead—is entirely coincidental.
Dedication
To my Father…and friend,
You have always made me feel like I could do anything if I just focused and pushed forward. You have never doubted me and have always stood by my side. You have the biggest heart of anyone I know. You are a wonderful father and an amazing man.
Table of Contents
Prologue
Chapter 1
Chapter 2
Chapter 3
Chapter 4
Chapter 5
Chapter 6
Chapter 7
Chapter 8
Chapter 9
Chapter 10
Chapter 11
Chapter 12
Chapter 13
Chapter 14
Chapter 15
Chapter 16
Chapter 17
Chapter 18
Chapter 19
Chapter 20
Chapter 21
Chapter 22
Chapter 23
Chapter 24
Chapter 25
Chapter 26
Chapter 27
Chapter 28
Chapter 29
Chapter 30
Chapter 31
Chapter 32
Chapter 33
Chapter 34
Chapter 35
Chapter 36
Chapter 37
Chapter 38
Chapter 39
Chapter 40
Chapter 41
Chapter 42
Chapter 43
Chapter 44
Epilogue
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Prologue
We all have those moments where we wish we could disappear. Just close our eyes and pretend we were anywhere else other than where we were right then.
Some perfect place, with perfect company.
A calm moment where everything else meant very little.
I had them often.
A way to escape those tainted moments of my past. Those times I regretted the trust I’d given to those who didn’t deserve it.
I’d been scorned one time too many. I’d begun to believe I didn’t deserve anything more than a lifetime of disappointment.
But it was those small moments of escape that gave me even a sliver of hope. Maybe somewhere, somehow I’d find that peace.
But then I’d be dealt another shit hand and every one of those hopeful thoughts would just disappear. I would remember that one moment in my life that changed it all. That time when I hit bottom and lost all hope of good in the world.
I’d been living that particular moment over and over, every day for months.
I’d tried to drown out that ache within me, spending most of my time inebriated, waking up in random places, surrounded by people I didn’t know. It had become my way of life.
Just a way to cope.
Some people might believe I was only begging for attention. Acting out in hopes of being rescued.
But I’d long ago given up on white knights and princes.
This was me.
This was who I had become.
Take it or leave it, this was my way of dealing with it all.
They didn’t have to love me.
Hell, they didn’t even have to like me.
I could never expect anyone to give me the things I couldn’t even offer myself.
I could barely tolerate being within my own skin.
Loving myself was impossible.
Chapter 1
Lexi
“God damn it, Lex,” I whispered to myself as I ran my hands through my hair while looking over at the guy lying naked next to me.
I told myself I was going to stop doing this. But then something would happen, a distant memory of the hate in my soul would resurface, and I would once again get so lost in a bottle of alcohol that history would repeat itself.
I slowly and very carefully slid to the right side of the bed as the cool sheet fell from my body. I tried my best not to wake the guy at my side, once again feeling the sense of déjà vu. Then came the disgust. It was all too familiar.
I held my arm up to shield my bare breasts as I stood from the bed and searched the floor for my discarded clothes from the night before.
In my attempt to be discreet, my foot got tangled in the sheet and I stumbled forward, stubbing my toe on the footboard of the bed.
Pain shot through my foot and without any hope of remaining silent I screeched in agony. “God damn it. Mother…son of a bitch.”
I bit down on my lower lip doing my best to regain my composure as I hopped around on my other foot.
My body tensed at the gruff sound of the guy I was hoping would remain lost in sleep.
“Hey, where you sneaking off to?”
My little outburst had woken him and I now felt an even deeper need to escape my current situation.
I looked back over my shoulder and realized I couldn’t even remember the guy’s name. Or even if I had taken the time last night to ask.
“I need to get going.” I forced a smile. “I have to work…sorry, do you, um…know where my shirt is?”
I kept my eyes on the guy’s face as he stood up from the bed, completely naked and showing no shame as he stretched his arms above his head.
Why I suddenly felt embarrassed by his forwardness was confusing. I had apparently just spent a long night of drunken sex with this stranger. I think we were well past being shy at this point.
But still I turned away to avoid eye contact…at least he was hot.
I shook my head, feeling the too familiar sense of shame. God, what the hell was I thinking? I couldn’t remember anything from last night, except getting unbelievably drunk.
I really had to stop drinking; I was self-destructing and I needed to listen to my best friend, Megan. My actions were crazy, but it was almost impossible to stop.
Being hammered to the point of almost passing out felt like the only time I could stand myself.
I’d let one party after my high school graduation change my whole way of life.
I became that girl.
That statistic.
I immediately fell to a low point and no matter how much I wanted to, I couldn’t seem to pull myself back up.
I stayed in the dark place that led me to wake up every day with only new regrets.
When I realized Mr. No Name had no intentions of helping me find my clothes, I got back to the task at hand.
I looked down toward the floor to avoid his stare and noticed the three condom wrappers just to the side of his nightstand. I closed my eyes tightly and for a moment tried not to focus on just how big of a dumbass I was.
I guess there was one
good thing about my hook up; I was safe.
I shuffled my feet and opened my eyes once more, feeling the even stronger need to get the hell out of this apartment. I found my shirt on the floor next to a rumpled pile of what appeared to be a week’s worth of dirty laundry.
Quickly I moved toward the other side of the room and gathered my shirt and the jean skirt that was mixed in with the mystery guy’s jeans.
I could almost feel his eyes on me, and abruptly the anxiety that threatened to smother me daily returned with a force that was making me nauseated.
I don’t think I had ever in my life dressed quicker. My hands shook as I grabbed my keys, also near the pile of clothing, and without another thought began walking toward the door.
“So do I get your number?” It was first time he had spoken since I’d asked him where my shirt was.
I was almost free and clear.
“I had a lot of fun last night.” I tensed instantly because this time his words came much closer. “I’d really like a repeat performance.” He wrapped his arms around my body from behind and leaned in to bite my neck, just before swiping his tongue along my jaw.
I needed some space.
And I needed it now.
“Um, yeah, sure.” I leaned forward, using my body to push away from his and grabbed a pen off the dresser. Searching for the nearest thing to scribble on, the empty cigarette box won.
I wrote down a fake number fast and held it out to him. When I held out the carton he grabbed my hand pulling me flush against his still naked body.
He gave me very little room to move as his mouth hovered only inches from mine.
It became abundantly clear I had lost control of the situation. Nowadays I only felt comfortable when I was in control. Things had to be my way…my terms.
And when they weren’t I freaked out.
My emotions got the best of me and I panicked. When I was at the mercy of someone else it set my mind into overdrive.
“I really need to go, but call me, okay?” I forced a smile once again and I think he sensed my need for space. Slowly he released his hold on me, and I felt as if I had regained some control.
As I exited his apartment I didn’t look back, but instead vowed that I would change my ways. It was time to stop running from the truth. Time to stop pretending that if I avoided the hate, it would somehow just disappear.
I had spent far too long trying to keep myself from feeling anything. I could never allow myself to be that vulnerable again. It was my way of staying one step above every guy out there who believed women were just a warm body to take whenever they were in need.
Closeness terrified me.
Well, any closeness that I didn’t choose to initiate. And right now I just needed space.
Chapter 2
“So are you finally ready to go?” I looked at my best friend Megan and fought the urge to roll my eyes. Of course she just shrugged and offered a wide smile.
I leaned back against the passenger door of Megan’s car and crossed my arms over my chest, wondering how she could be so happy all the time. Actually I envied her; she always found the good in everything.
But at this moment she was entirely too chipper, in my opinion. Even lifting a duffle bag larger than she was into the back of the car was done with a bright smile on her face.
“You’re exhausting,” I told her.
“And you’re cranky,” she threw back at me, never faltering. She even added a wink for annoyance factor.
So instead of more grumbling I went for the one finger salute just before crawling into the car. She found the humor in my attitude and laughed as she walked around to the driver’s side to join me.
Megan and I had been friends since junior high when she moved from Florida to this shithole town after her parents divorced.
She’s the only person I’ve shared my deepest, darkest secrets with. The only one who knows everything I went through and what I’m still struggling with every day. I knew I could trust her and I needed someone—at least one person—to keep me sane, or the closest version of it.
“Sleep it off, Squidward,” she said with a chuckle. “We’ll be there in two hundred eighty-seven point seven miles.”
Megan turned the key in the ignition and when the car sparked to life she did a happy little dance in the seat. For a brief moment I felt her excitement, but it faded fast as I stared at her for a few seconds longer. And when that happiness faded I leaned forward, turning up the stereo and letting the music consume me as I sang along.
It was a form of escape; it always had been. But lately I had grown more reliant on the distraction.
I used to want a career in music, even if it was using it to heal others. I just wanted to share my love for the beauty of song, but that too faded.
Now I honestly didn’t know what I wanted to do with my life, but I hoped gaining some distance and starting fresh in a new place would help me find some perspective.
We’d see.
Something had to change though, because I had given up on myself. I stopped playing the guitar, stop composing my own music. I stopped all of it. Anything that had meaning to me, because really, what in the hell was the point anymore?
Nothing could take away the darkness of the night.
The night all my innocence was stripped from me, along with my soul.
“Keep singing, Lexi Lou.”
I hadn’t realized I was even singing loud enough for her to notice until that moment. I turned my head to the side and offered Megan a smile. But before I could say anything we were interrupted by her phone ringing in her purse between us.
We’d only been driving about fifteen minutes, but each mile was one closer to the man she loved.
Radley, her boyfriend and the guy who worshiped her. They had been dating for two years and she was head over heels in love. It was sweet, really, but something I’d never attain.
My opinions of love and forever after had long ago changed. Chances of finding that one person were few and far between. Not everyone got lucky enough to find that security and happiness.
“Hey handsome,” she cooed. “We’re on our way.”
It was evident in her voice just how happy she was to be on her way to him. “I can’t wait to see you, either,” she continued. “We got a later start than originally planned because…” she faded off as she looked over at me and stuck out her tongue.
Without a second thought I reached out and quickly grabbed the phone from her hand.
“Not all of us get up at the buttcrack of dawn with a smile on their face.” He chuckled, and even the sound of it made me feel the giddiness my best friend got every time she talks to him. Radley is unbelievably sweet and kind. He was one of the very few men I could say I trusted.
“She said you all loaded up the car last night. So I guess the combination of staying up late and getting up early is playing a toll on your sunshine spirit.” I could sense he was smiling.
“The thing is, Rad, your girlfriend decided there were more things she needed to take. So we were stuck once again loading more shit in the car this morning.” Megan reached out and gave my shoulder a push, pretending to be offended, but I knew she wasn’t.
My best friend was a shopaholic and pack rat.
“I’m not sure I’m gonna fit in the dorm room with her after she unloads the car. Just her shoes alone will take up half the room.” Another deep chuckle expressed his amusement of our current banter. “And who in the hell needs thirty different purses?”
“I do, you ass,” Megan squawked which only made Radley laugh harder.
“You two drive safe and tell my girl to get her ass here.” His laughter faded and the longing that made my stomach ache took over. I could hear the truth in his words. “I miss her, Lex.”
“Okay,” I whispered, trying my best to control the burning sensation in my throat. “We’ll be there in a little over four hours,” I assured him before ending the call.
That familiar sense of claustrophobi
a threatened to take over. It always seemed to hit me at the worst possible moments, when I least expected it. Most of the time there was never really any reason; it was just a nagging feeling of suffocation.
“Radley told me about a party tonight at his frat house. What do you think? Wanna go?” Megan asked.
Parties and I didn’t work well together and she knew it. There were all those people, and guys getting close and breathing down my neck to get my attention. The only way I was able to tolerate them was to get really wasted. One drink was never enough; I needed just one more. And that one more became one more and so on, which explains how on most nights I drank myself into a blunder and ended up in bed with random men.
“I don’t know. I just think I should sit this one out. I don’t know how well it would work for me to be known as the campus slut after the first night.” I looked away from her and stared out the window instead, mindlessly watching as the world passed by.
“Lexi, this is your new start, a way to be whoever you want to be. I told you I’m not going to let you do that anymore, I’m not gonna let you drown. I promise.” I turned back to face her when I felt her hand touch my forearm. “Even if I have to tie our feet together to keep you from repeating the past, I will.”
I took a deep breath and forced a smile. “I’ll think about it.”
She accepted my answer for the moment, but I knew she wouldn’t let it go. She had a Miss Fix It attitude, and allowing someone close to her to fail wasn’t in her nature.
She was always trying to help.
The remaining part of our trip was filled with laughter and silliness. But I couldn’t ignore the fact that the closer we got to the University of North Carolina, the more uneasy I became.
The unknown was almost too much to take.
***
Radley was waiting just outside our dorm when we pulled in. Megan had called him when we were close and he wasted no time rushing over to help get us settled. In reality all he truly wanted to do was kiss his girl.
