by Harms,C. A.
“It doesn’t have to be that way,” she said in return, and I wished her words were true. But it did have to be this way. It was my only way of holding some sort of control over my life.
“It has to be this way for me. I’m sorry I can’t change. I’m sorry that things with me are so difficult, but I just can’t get that night out of my head.” I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to think about Matt and all the ways he destroyed me, but Megan was pushing. I knew she meant well, but it was sending me into a downfall.
She was silent, and I knew she was worrying and most likely deciding that she needed to change her plans and come back here to babysit me. But that was the last thing I wanted right now.
“Megan, I’m fine. Just stop worrying about me so much and enjoy your time with Radley.” I did my best fake impression of happiness.
Only it did nothing to ease the concern etching her voice. “Lexi, not every guy is like Matt. What he did to you was horrible, but hiding and not letting someone in is allowing him to win. He took enough away from you. Don’t give him any more, please.”
I never responded. I just sat there waiting for her to say goodbye, begging silently that she would just let it go.
“I love you, Lexi,” she whispered.
“I love you too.” I closed my eyes tightly and laid back against the pillow on my bed.
“Are you sure you’re fine alone?” Confirmation that she was thinking of coming back to the dorm.
“I’m more than fine. I have a hot date with Edward and Jacob. I’m thinking a Twilight marathon is exactly what I need.” I had no intention of watching that movie or any other for that matter.
I truly just felt like I needed a form of escape, a break from the ache burning inside my chest.
Chapter 8
Kole
I was still at a loss when I arrived back at the fraternity. That sweet girl I had once known in Lexi was not the same girl who went off on me moments ago.
I was shocked at her reaction.
I didn’t mean to insinuate that she was a whore; she didn’t even give me a chance to explain.
When I entered the house, Hope was just coming around the corner, from the direction of my room. “Hey handsome, I was looking for you.”
Before I could say a word, she wrapped her arms around my waist and I allowed her to lead me toward the living room.
Megan, Radley’s girlfriend sat next to him talking about none other than Lexi, the fiery bitch who went all psycho on me.
“Lexi scares me sometimes.” She expressed my exact thoughts.
“Join the club; that girl is scary. She just fucking went off on me without a second thought. What the hell happened to the sweet and funny version of her?” I flopped down in the chair opposite them and dropped my bag to the floor at my feet. Without a second of hesitation Hope sat on my lap, acting all cozy.
“Shut the fuck up, Kole. You don’t know anything about her. She’s a great person.” And round two of piss a girl off had just begun. I was 0 for 2 today.
“How dare you judge her when you got some two dollar whore glued to you like a second skin? A girl, I might add, that only moments ago was talking about hooking up with Zack just to piss you off.”
I nudged Hope from my lap, but not because I gave two shits about her fucking Zack. She wasn’t my girlfriend. But because Megan was now off the couch and heading toward the front door.
Plus Radley was giving me the look of death and I realized pissing off his girl only pissed him off too.
Hope was trying to deny the accusation Megan just made, but I brushed her off and walked after Radley who was now following his girl.
“Megan, wait.” At the sound of my voice, she turned around and collided with Radley. He reached out to make sure she didn’t fall and her eyes never left me.
In fact she was glaring and I should have been pissed that she was obviously redirecting the irritation she felt with Lexi on me. But I wasn’t.
“Listen, I wasn’t trying to be a dick. I just meant Lexi got pissed off at me and I’m not really sure where all that anger came from. She didn’t even allow me to explain or try to diffuse the problem.”
“She’s not really a people person,” Megan said, still glaring at me.
“I got that.” I smiled but she didn’t return the gesture. “I was just making sure she was okay after the party the other night, but she flipped out. I remember her being so sweet that her attitude took me off guard.”
Radley pulled her in closer to him and she still didn’t look away from me. “Listen, Kole, you’re right—she is different. There are so many things that you don’t know. There are things that no one knows. Just don’t be so quick to judge her.” She took a deep breath, appearing to calm down.
“I haven’t seen her in years. I guess I just imagined she would still be the happy little girl I once knew.” I never expected what I was faced with instead.
“Well you can thank your jackass cousin for the person she is today,” Megan said. It was more of a mumble and I’m not sure I was meant to hear it, but I did.
She turned around again and reached for the door. I was still staring after her, wondering what in the hell my cousin had to do with Lexi and her moods.
“Meg, babe, don’t leave. Come on,” Radley begged as he trailed behind her.
“I’m going to go home. I have an early morning and I think I just need to call it a night.” Megan didn’t even looked back
“Megan, wait. Before you leave…” I stepped forward closing the distance, Radley still separating us, but she did turn around to face me. “What did you mean about my cousin?”
“I never should have said anything.” She looked down at her lap as if she was ashamed. “Just forget it.”
I stood next to Radley in the open doorway as we both watched Megan rush off toward her car.
A knot formed in my stomach because I knew whatever it was she was referring to couldn’t be good. With her reaction and the intensity in her eyes, it had to be bad.
Chapter 9
Lexi
Oh my god, my freaking head was killing me!
I couldn’t believe the pounding behind my eyes. It felt like my head was cracking in half and my stomach was so queasy.
Last night was a blur.
I remember putting my fake ID to use at the nearest bar. But most of everything after the first round of shots was lost to me.
I slowly sat up and looked toward the clock on the desk to my left. “Shit!”
I began scrambling around the room for my clothes and shoes. I had class in twenty minutes, and I had to go all the way across campus. Being late on only the second day of classes would leave a great impression on my professors.
I quickly brushed my teeth and threw my hair into a ponytail. Throwing my bag over my shoulder, I opened my door and rushed out with my shoes still in hand. I hurried down the hall bouncing from side to side, attempting to place my sandals on my feet before using the stairway instead of losing more time waiting for the elevator.
I made it to class with not even two seconds to spare. Just when the professor came in I flopped down into my seat letting out a huff.
Just a little out of breath.
I spent the entire class trying to remember what in the hell I did last night. Only bits and pieces came through the blind spots.
The bar, and there was a guy.
A guy who kept following me around most of the night. His name was something like Todd or Toby. It started with a T, I knew that much.
After more than an hour of his pushing, I had never been happier than the moment I saw Radley enter the bar.
He rescued me from waking up in another random stranger’s bed. The way he took care of me and helped me into his car—he was so caring and kind.
I remembered talking to him; I just rambled on but I couldn’t remember exactly what I said.
I remember stumbling on the stairs and Radley catching me before I face planted. The time between that a
nd waking up this morning was a complete blur.
The longer I sat in class the more nauseated I felt. I barely made it through class without puking. I needed to get some water. I was so hung over. Why I kept doing this to myself was the million dollar question.
When the professor assigned our first essay then excused himself, I quickly grabbed my bag and decided I would skip the rest of the day. A shower followed by a long nap sounded like a form of heaven at the moment.
As I walked out of the building, I heard my name called from behind me. Something about the voice sounded familiar.
“Where did you run off to last night?” I turned around to face the guy from last night whose name I couldn’t quite remember. “I came back from the bathroom and you were gone.”
This was just my luck.
“Yeah.” I stalled for a moment trying to come up with something to say that would give me the chance to get away from him. “My friend showed up and needed me; sorry about not saying bye.” I took a step back and he took a step forward, oblivious to my need for space.
Apparently he and I had grown a little closer than I remembered from last night, or he was just one of those men who thought it was okay to grope a girl he barely knew. He reached out, hooked my waist, and pulled me in close to him, our chests pressed closely together.
“Please don’t,” I said, spinning out of his hold, and he smiled as if I was just trying to play hard to get.
“I was just wondering if maybe you wanted to pick up where we left off last night.”
By this time he was stepping back toward me, once again invading my personal space. I was two seconds from either kicking him in the balls or punching him in the cocky ass smirk he held on his lips.
“Hey, Lex, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you. What’s taking so long?” Kole wrapped his arm around my shoulders and I was too shocked to react. I only looked up at him, confused with his actions.
“Thanks for keeping my girl safe for me, bud.” He didn’t wait for the guy to respond before pulling me away.
When we were a few steps away he leaned in and whispered. “Don’t punch me or get pissed. You just looked like you needed to be rescued.”
After we got out of the guy’s view, he released his hold on me and stopped walking. “The guy looked like he wanted to clobber you over the head and drag you off by your hair. I just thought maybe I would offer my help. I hope I didn’t interfere with something you were hoping to be more.”
I laughed nervously and tucked my hair behind my ear. “Thanks,” I offered with a smile. “And trust me, your interference is appreciated.”
He put his hand on his chest and stumbled back, playing it as if my words made him feel faint. “Did you just…thank me?”
I shoved his chest with my hand and glared at him even though I wasn’t angry. In fact, I felt more at ease than I had in a long time.
“Real funny, smartass,” I said with a laugh.
I caught movement over his shoulder and noticed two girls standing a distance away, just watching us. The blonde girl had her arms crossed over her chest as she glared at us.
“I think you’re pissing your girlfriend off by standing here with me.” I pointed discreetly toward the direction of the girls and he looked over his shoulder. When he turned back to me he put his hands into the front pockets of his jeans.
“Hope isn’t my girlfriend,” he assured me. “I don’t have a girlfriend,” he smirked.
“Well, whatever she is to you, she doesn’t like the idea of us standing here together. I think you should go take care of her, because the bitchy glare she’s giving me just makes me want to slap her face myself.” He smiled, and because his smile made the pit of my stomach tense with excitement, I turned away quickly.
“Thanks again for saving me,” I hollered back and his eyes lit up. I knew he was about to make another comment regarding the second “thank you” I just gave him so I ruined his chances. “Yeah, smartass—I said it again.”
When I walked about twenty feet away, I turned to look back just casually, wondering if he still stood in the same place.
And he was, still staring after me with a smile on his face.
He was just being nice; it was nothing more.
But it still made me feel that happy lump that formed deep in my chest when I allowed myself to believe something good was about to happen.
Damn you, Kole, for giving me that feeling.
I felt that happiness all the way back to my dorm room. At least until I opened my dorm and found Momma Megan in full parental mode, waiting for me.
I had to suffer the long speech from her regarding my poor choices, my lack of guidance, and inability to handle conflict. I wanted to yell at her and tell her to just drop it already, but I couldn’t. Because everything she said was true.
I did run from my problems.
I did avoid solution, because to me no matter how much I talked about it, how many times I told myself it wasn’t my fault, I didn’t believe it. I was raped by Matt, and the fact that I ignored all the signs that led up to that moment made it all my fault. I could have avoided it all, but I was blinded by the popular boy being interested in me. Those things didn’t happen to me.
Guys like Matt didn’t fall for girls like me.
I was awestruck by the sudden popularity and when it came down to the motive behind it all, there was no way out.
That fact haunted my dreams and hung heavy in my heart every time I opened my eyes.
Chapter 10
Kole
Lexi was constantly floating around in my head. Only this time I wasn’t cussing her for being a bitch that first day after class.
It was the image of her smile that lingered. She puzzled the hell out of me. She was this hard shell on the outside, trying too hard to keep people away, but when she smiled she cracked just a little. That’s when I could see a small tease of the old Lexi. The girl who had those dreamy eyes and beautiful smile was still there. For some reason she was doing everything she could to hide that version of herself.
I just wish I knew why.
Laying back on my bed, my arm rested behind my head. Closing my eyes I remembered the time I gave Lexi a back ride down the road from my house to Dreamsicle. It was an ice cream shop operated by an older couple who ran it more for the kids in the neighborhood than to actually turn a profit. They just loved to see the happiness.
I remember her laughing so hard as I made different sounds imitating squealing tires as I spun around in circles and hopped up and down. Like neither of us had a care in the world.
The thought of how we used to be made me smile.
I heard a light knock on my door and lifted my head up just as the door began to open.
Hope stood in the open doorway with a gleam in her eye. “Hey, sexy, I was hoping I could spend some time alone with you. What do you say, feel like getting lucky?”
I already knew I was losing interest in Hope.
If interest in her was really the way to explain it. It was sad, really, but the reason I went back time and again was because the girl was easy.
I knew that made me an ass.
But she was never forced and I had always been up front and honest. It wasn’t my fault she became delusional in believing we could ever be more.
“I’ve missed you lately,” she pushed out her breasts, trying to gain more attention. “So what do you say? Feel up to making me scream?”
It was sad, really.
Why did she settle for any man treating her like a sex toy? Didn’t she want more out of a relationship?
Not that I would be the one to offer it to her, but still—didn’t she want to stop being used and find a man who could give her more?
“Why do you just keep staring at me like that?” she asked.
I stood up from the bed and walked to the door. I could tell by the look on her face she thought I was game for her offer.
“I’m not interested,” I told her.
Her smile
faded and she cocked her head to the side. “Since when?”
“Hope, you’re not my girlfriend. We don’t have a relationship going here and I think you know that.” I placed my hand on the door handle. “You think you have some claim on me, but you don’t. Just like earlier when you got all territorial, displaying your jealousy.”
“No, I was…” she started to argue.
“I know what I saw,” I assured her. “You and I were just sex, and now that’s over.” I didn’t wait for this shit to go any further; I was bored. There was no reason to sit here and hash out anything.
Because there was nothing to save.
Chapter 11
Lexi
I was actually beginning to feel comfortable on campus. I was still very alert of my surroundings and mainly kept to myself, but that perpetual knot in my stomach had slowly dissipated.
And the urge to drink and drown out the demons never even crossed my mind. I did opt out of attending any further frat parties, thinking that with the way the first one turned out, it was logical to avoid them all together.
Even when Megan begged me to join her, I refused. And eventually she let it go, accepting that my idea of a good time was spending an evening in with movies and popcorn.
I spent Sunday in my pajamas with no intention of changing until it was time to shower, but even then it would be another pair of pajamas. But a day of lounging was short lived when I found that not only were we out of microwavable popcorn, but shampoo. So with very little enthusiasm I got dressed and went to the nearest store, only five minutes from campus, and restocked.
I was just arriving back to my dorm when I found Radley exiting. “Hey, Rad. Where's your shadow?”
He chuckled because he knew I was referring to Megan.
He hadn’t been his usual self with me, and it was concerning. He rarely made eye contact and when he did it was never for long. And it all started the day after he brought me home from the bar.
