by Harms,C. A.
My head was still spinning but I found comfort in Kole’s secure embrace. It was something I knew he was only offering to assist his friend, but damn if it didn’t make me feel safe for the first time in months.
I was guided toward a smaller room then lowered down onto a chair. I had done a great job so far using my hair to shield my face.
I didn’t think I was ready to face a piece of my past, a piece that reminded me so much of Matt and the way he hurt me. Looking into Kole’s eyes would do just that; I knew that already.
Only he gave me no choice to avoid his stare when he moved around me and knelt down. “Hey, are you gonna be all right?” he asked.
I nodded my head, only that was not good enough.
He reached out and placed his finger beneath my chin, forcing my head upward. And there were those kind brown eyes from my past.
I saw the moment recognition set in for him, too.
“Lexi?” His eyes squinted as he took me in for a few seconds before he spoke again. “Lexi Warren, it’s really you. Isn’t it?”
I offered a gentle nod and his grin grew wider.
“Wow, you look so different,” he said in an almost amazed tone.
My eyes felt droopy as I smiled back at him. I was so unbelievably drunk I was afraid to react more than that for fear of making a fool of myself.
“I grew up, Kole. I’m not twelve anymore,” I assured him.
“No, you’re definitely not.” I wasn’t sure what I saw in his eyes, but I knew it felt different from the way he used to look at me. Kole was a man, no longer that testosterone-driven teenager I remembered.
We both just stared at one another as if we couldn’t believe the other was there.
“Hey, sweetie, I think we should go back to the dorm.” I looked up to find Megan watching me with concern. “What do you think?”
“Okay.” I agreed because I needed to break free from this haze being so close to Kole had put me in.
As she helped me up from the chair, I heard Kole ask her if she needed help getting me to the car, but she refused.
With Radley by her side they led me to the door. I didn’t look back. I couldn’t. I still needed time before I allowed myself to go there with Kole.
He would ask questions. He would want to talk about my past and I wasn’t ready for that.
I’m not sure I ever would be.
***
I’m not sure how she did it, but Megan got me upstairs to our dorm room and set securely on my bed.
I didn’t remember much since the moment Kole said my name. Everything else since then had become a blur.
She now sat directly across from me, staring at me with that same concerned look on her face.
“What happened tonight?” she asked. “You were fine. I mean, yes, you were drinking, but not excessively. You seemed okay and then we walked into the back room and it was like you flipped the switch. Why?”
When I looked up into her eyes, I tried to blink back the tears. “Kole,” I whispered. “I saw Kole. I remembered him from when our moms were friends. He was always so nice to me. I had a little crush on him back then.” I know none of this made sense to her but it soon would. “Kole is Matt’s cousin.”
I watched as her shoulders sagged and she leaned in closer, taking my hands in hers.
“It just triggered the past,” I said in attempt to explain my actions. “I suddenly felt like I was suffocating and tried to drown out that feeling.”
She slid forward and knelt on the ground before me. “Matt’s not here; he’s in California and he’s never going to hurt you again.” I knew that, I did, but it never made the fear inside me dissipate. “Kole is not Matt.”
Without any further hesitation she rose up on her knees, wrapped her arms around me, and pulled me close, allowing me to cry.
A cry I so desperately needed.
“I know Kole isn’t Matt,” I said in a whisper. “They’re nothing alike, but it was just too much when I didn’t expect it to be, ya know. He’s just a reminder of who I used to be. The girl before everything changed. That me, that no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to bring back.”
We did something that night we had not done in years.
We crawled into my twin bed and fell asleep side by side. It may have been juvenile to some, but the comfort of the one person in my life I knew truly loved me was what I needed. I fell asleep with little effort.
Only to wake abruptly a short time later feeling as if the dream I just had was so real. I could feel the pressure of his hands as he held me down. I tried to get up, but his weight was just too much.
He only pushed me harder as I continued to struggle beneath him. He fed on my fear, I knew that now. It was what drove him to continue, thrilled him.
It was all just a game.
And I was the one who lost.
Chapter 6
Kole
I tried to lose myself like I did after every other party. With little effort, I led Hope to my room and had every intention to burn off some of the energy I felt, but she was not the one I envisioned when I closed my eyes.
“Yes,” she moaned as I thrust my hips forward, begging for my release. All I wanted was for this to end.
It had the opposite effect on me. Because now I was wound tighter than I was before.
“Harder, Kole,” she insisted.
I’d noticed the last couple times we were together that she yelled and squealed as if she was trying to make sure every person in the house heard her.
It was a fucking show. And I was tired of the games.
“Do you have to be so fucking loud?” I asked in irritation.
I don’t know what it was, but every single time she opened her mouth I wanted to put the pillow over her face. It was taking everything for me to stay hard right now.
“Kole, yes!” she yelled out as if what I just said wasn’t even heard.
I couldn’t do this.
I faked the fucking orgasm. Anything to get out of this torture. I pushed back leaving her staring after me with disbelief. “I wasn’t done yet, Kole!”
“Well I was,” I countered back, even though it was a fucking lie. Not really—I was done with her. “You need to get going, anyway. It’s late and I need a shower.” I got up and slipped on my shorts, ignoring her complaints as I walked out of my door.
By this time most of the guests of the house were gone. Those who weren’t were safely tucked away behind closed doors, so the bathroom was open.
I was in need of a shower, a little time to wash away some of this tension in my body.
I leaned into the hot water and let it run over me. Closing my eyes, I extended my hands out against the wall and just let the mist spray over my face, trying to wash the images away in my mind.
I shouldn’t be thinking about that sweet girl from my past the way I was now, but I couldn’t help myself. She was no longer that innocent young girl. I’d known back then she had a crush on me; it was a cute reaction.
But now she was a woman. A hot as hell amazing body with a gorgeous smile woman, and I couldn’t help but allow my mind to wander into dangerous territory.
Her sweet ass and those perfect tits. Just the thought of her was getting me hard, leading to a “what the fuck” moment. I couldn’t get my dick to work ten minutes ago, but I think of Lexi and was suddenly ready to rock. And fuck I did need release; if this was what it took, then why in the hell fight it?
I closed my eyes and pictured Lexi under me as I slowly moved inside her.
Her perfect lips formed an O shape as she reached her peak. I fisted my erection and began to stroke myself as I imagined her tits bouncing with each thrust and before I knew it I exploded.
“Fuck,” I moaned out as my toes curled into the tile at my feet. Her face was still there in my mind, no matter how hard I tried to shake it.
I took extra time in the shower in an attempt to bring myself back to reality before I gathered my shit and made my way down the hall back to
my room. Finding Hope still in my room was the last thing I wanted to fucking deal with right now.
What part of “The night is over” didn’t she understand?
“Hope, get up. You can’t stay here; you know that. Come on, get up.” I nudged the bed with my foot, making the mattress shift beneath her naked body.
“Let me relax you,” she cooed.
“I am relaxed and ready to go to sleep, which is why you need to get moving. Your place is literally across the fucking street.” She was part of a sorority which was diagonal from my house. It wasn’t like I was sending her out the door half lit and expecting her to drive twenty minutes across town.
She pouted to me about sucking me off if I let her stay, she tried to provoke me with promises of letting me do to her whatever I wanted, but none of it interested me. Maybe my interest in her had faded. I wasn’t sure; I just knew nothing she offered was appealing to me.
She finally grew frustrated at my lack of interest and got up from the bed, grabbing her things from the floor. She didn’t even take the time to get dressed before angrily storming out of my room.
Chapter 7
Lexi
Megan and I spent Sunday trying to erase my frat party meltdown. We never talked about it; we just chose to pretend it didn’t happen.
After spending hours organizing, and rearranging our dorm room multiple times, we finally found a setup that worked. Everything had its place and believe it or not, we each had our own little space; space that was tiny but perfect and cozy.
When Monday came I found myself wishing for another Sunday. I wasn’t sure I was quite ready for this. It was all still so very overwhelming and I hadn’t yet figured out the best form of attack.
I hid that anxiety I felt deep in my stomach and pushed through as I always did. But with each step I took, I could feel the desire within me to turn around and escape to the safety of the little island Megan and I had created for ourselves.
It was safe there.
Like a security blanket that kept all the monsters at bay.
I didn’t cave, though; I focused on my classes and schedule, drowning out the fear in me instead. I still had not settled on exactly what I wanted to do with my life. It all used to be so clear; now I was lucky I’d even graduated high school.
I hoped it would all someday come back to me. Maybe one day I’d wake up and remember the things I used to love and life would become clear to me.
But for now I was only floating through with no purpose. At least that’s what it felt like.
I was actually proud of myself when my last class ended and I had made it through the entire day without some form of a mental breakdown. Nowadays that was a huge accomplishment.
I gathered my things, loaded them into my bag, and exited the room. I remained back a few steps from the students who exited before me; it was something I did often—remain distant.
Our dorm was on the east side of campus, which wasn’t too far from my last class. As I began walking in that direction, my phone began to ring in my bag. I smiled to myself when the Spongebob song began to play over and over. Megan and her random ringtones. It was never the same for long periods of time. She was always hijacking my phone and uploading another surprise tone, but only to her phone number. She wanted to make sure she stood out above all others.
As I dug around in my bag looking for my phone, I took my focus off where I was walking. It was only for a few seconds, but that was all it took for me to collide with someone else who also wasn’t paying attention.
I may as well have collided with a brick wall because I think it would have been less painful. “God damn it,” I groaned as I tried to control my urge to say more.
Upon impact I bit my tongue, dropped my bag and stubbed my toe. My day of great accomplishment had just taken a nosedive. I looked up just above to give a quick apology when I froze midthought. Big brown eyes. Kind, gentle, brown eyes.
Kole had always been attractive. I was twelve when I first met him, so I guess at that point it was more of that dreamy older boy crush back then. When he smiled down at me, I realized I must have just been staring at him like some awestruck girl.
“You in a hurry, sweetheart?” he asked as he stepped back widening his stance and crossing his arms over his chest.
Each word he spoke only brought more attention to his mouth. I knew I was still staring, but there was something that continued to gain my attention each time he talked.
“You okay?” he asked me. And there it was again, I caught a glimpse of something shiny on his tongue—a tongue piercing.
I hadn’t expected that, but something about it sent a shiver over my back.
“Um, yeah. I’m so sorry I wasn’t looking where I was going.” I had already made this into a weird situation with all my staring, and I just wanted to move past it and pretend I hadn’t acted so strangely. “Excuse me,” I said as I stepped around him and hurried off toward my dorm.
That was embarrassing.
When I finally found my phone I had already missed three calls from Megan. By then I was sure she was in panic mode, worrying I’d hidden away in some dark closet with a bottle of whiskey. It wouldn’t be that hard to believe, considering alcohol had become my escape.
I started to call her back when I was startled by someone gripping my shoulder from behind. I spun around quickly and jerked my arm away.
“Oh shit, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you.” My heart was racing as I looked up at Kole. His hands were extended upward, palms facing me in a surrender stance. Any other girl on campus would probably laugh and brush off the fact that they had been startled. But me—I was in fight or flight mode.
There I stood facing him, my chest heaving rapidly, with my hands held out before me in a defensive manner.
“You just surprised me.” Someone approaching me from behind and touching me without my knowledge freaked me the fuck out. It brought back too many memories.
Kole stood facing me for a few more seconds, just allowing me to calm down before he spoke.
“I just wanted to make sure you were okay after our collision back there.” He lowered his hands and motioned over his shoulder indicating what took place between us only moments ago.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” I assured him.
“Okay good,” he smiled. “What about Saturday? Have you fully recovered after the whole Zack thing at the party?”
“I’m good.” I had actually hoped to never talk of it again.
“You were really messed up. You do that often?” he asked and I arched a brow at him. “You know, get fucked up and let random guys lead you off to unknown places?”
Was he serious?
It appeared he had already formed an opinion of me. That thought irritated me. How dare he assume I had intentions of sleeping with Zack? He didn’t know me. Not anymore.
“I’d explain to you that your friend Zack didn’t even ask me to go with him before he started forcing me toward the stairs, but it would be a waste of my time.” I could feel my heart thumping so hard behind my breast bone, and my cheeks felt warm as I expressed my irritation. “It appears that to you I am just some slut, so why waste my time trying to convince you of anything else?”
“Wait, I didn’t meant that you were…” I cut him off, because at this point I just wanted him to walk away.
“Our moms were friends a long time ago. I knew you a long time ago, but things change, people change. Just because you knew me back when doesn’t mean you know me now. And it sure as hell doesn’t make you my babysitter. So why don’t you just worry about yourself and I’ll take care of me.” I walked off quickly without looking back or giving him a chance to say anything more.
By the time I made it back to the dorm I had calmed down enough to call Megan back. I didn’t want to have to explain to her why my voice was shaking or I couldn’t stop saying fuck.
That was something that happened when I grew irritated. I would drop the f-bomb more times than I could keep track
of.
She was, as I thought, in a frantic mode thinking I had been abducted or something. She was my mother hen and I loved her for how protective she was.
“Sorry, I meant to call you back. I was just getting out of class and got distracted with the crowd.” I heard some people in the background and assumed she too was just leaving a class.
“It’s okay. I just wanted to check on you and see how your first day went.” The voices were muffled in the background as if she was covering the phone.
“Everything went great,” I assured her. There really was no reason to tell her about the incident with Kole.
“Good,” she said happily. “I’m over at the house with Radley. I was going to invite you to come over and hang out too.”
Yeah right, not happening. “Meg, it’s okay. Really. I’m just going to pop something in the microwave, take a quick shower and maybe watch a movie. I don’t feel like going anywhere.”
I heard her breath deeply into the phone and I knew at that moment she was a little irritated with my response.
“You need to stop worrying about me so much.”
“I’ll always worry about you, Lex. I love you and I hate that you won’t let anyone in. You need friends. You need to be able to have fun without drinking. I just wish you would get to know people.” I knew my need to isolate myself was hard for her to understand, but it was who I was.
I hadn’t always been this way.
I actually used to be a social bug and no one frightened me. Now on most days I was scared of my own shadow.
I bit my lower lip to hold back the tremble.
“Lex,” she whispered.
“I can’t, Meg,” I told her. “I wish I could too, but it’s just too hard. If I can stay just one step ahead, no one will get a chance to take anything from me again. The last time I trusted someone and let them in, they took my security from me. They took that girl I used to be and made her vanish.”
