Toxic (Desired Affliction Book 1)

by Harms,C. A.

  The front door came open and when I saw Hope, it was almost a reflex that I snarled in disgust. She had been an ass to Lexi on more than one occasion and that was hard to forget. Even after what had just gone down between us, I couldn’t imagine reconnecting with Hope.

  Because somewhere inside of me, I still held on to the hope that Lexi and I would find our way back to one another. I’d fallen for her. In my entire life, I never remembered feeling for anyone else the things I felt for Lexi.

  Maybe it was because she and I had connected in some strange way when she was that innocent twelve-year-old girl, or maybe it was because she trusted me with her heart now. I truly had no idea what made me love her the way I did.

  What I did know was that the idea of her no longer being in my life was too hard to swallow. Even with all the alcohol streaming through my veins, that ache for her was still there.

  Chapter 30

  Lexi

  “Oh my god, Lexi, what happened? What’s wrong?” Megan rushed toward me the minute she entered our dorm room, with Radley trailing closely behind.

  They found me in the same spot I had been in since the moment Kole left me. I sat at the side of my bed, my head resting back against the mattress. And from the looks on both of their faces I had to have looked as bad as I felt.

  “Kole and I broke up,” I said in more of a whisper.

  Megan turned to look at Radley and then her concerned stare reconnected with mine. “What happened?” She knelt down at my side and brushed my hair away from my face, waiting for my explanation.

  “I just wanted some time,” I said, looking down at my hands as I twisted them nervously in my lap. “He took it all wrong. I just realized I still have so much healing and acceptance to face, and being able to give Kole all of me would be impossible until I dealt with those things first.”

  I took in a shuddering breath and looked up to find them both staring back at me.

  I shrugged. “He took everything I said wrong, and before I knew what was happening, he was storming out of the room, angry.”

  Radley bent down and whispered something to Megan before he kissed her softly on the temple and turned to leave.

  “Where did he go?” I asked, wondering to myself why he just left without saying a word to me.

  Megan took a seat next to me, our shoulders now touching as she leaned in closer. “He’s gonna go talk to Kole. Right now I’m sure he’s hurting. He’s a guy, and guys don’t take rejection well, especially when they care so much about the person rejecting them. I’m sure he just needs some time to calm down, Lex. Just give him some time to calm down.”

  I sat next to Megan as I remembered every word that was spoken between Kole and I. I could almost feel my body flinching as I remembered the way he raised his voice over and over. It felt like my heart shattered into a million pieces when he slammed my door after leaving the room.

  The longer I sat there, the more I realized he and I had a conversation to finish. He didn’t let me finish explaining. I just needed some time, just enough to clear my mind and found out how to get help with all this anger and pain I still felt inside.

  “Meg,” I said, breaking the silence and gaining her full attention. “Can you please come with me? I need to go talk to him. I need to finish the conversation he didn’t let me complete. He needs to know I care about him, and that though I need time now, I won’t need it always.”

  Megan gave me a gentle nod of her head. “Okay,” she replied. “Let’s go, but I’ll drive.”

  Chapter 31

  Kole

  I spent over two hours in Wyatt’s room playing poker with a group of the guys. Anything was better than being forced to deal with Hope and her games.

  Knowing the moment she caught wind of trouble between Lex and me, she’d use it to her advantage.

  I had envisioned my night heading in a completely different direction.

  I’d figured Lexi and I would be together, happy and making up for the last couple days of being apart. Nothing had prepared me for the situation I walked into when I went to her dorm after arriving back in town.

  When I had reached the point where I’d had enough of the guys and the booze, I cashed in, taking Wyatt and Ricky for pretty much all they had.

  One day the sorry assholes would learn not to invite me to join their games.

  My room was dark when I entered, and I didn’t see a reason to turn on the lights. I slipped off my jeans and pulled the t-shirt I was wearing over my head.

  Before I even got a chance to crawl into bed a soft hand reached out for me and hooked the waistband of my boxers.

  And all at once everything unfolded and became one big fucking disaster after another.

  The bedroom door came open and the bright light from the hall streamed in.

  “What the fuck, Kole?” I looked back over my shoulder to see a very angry Radley standing in my now open doorway.

  “It’s not what it looks like,” I assured him.

  “Really?” he asked, disgust lacing his voice. “Because to me it looks like you’re about to climb in to bed with a very naked Hope.”

  I turned back toward Hope and from the light of the hall found that she was indeed naked. Fuck, this didn’t look good.

  “Kole,” Hope whined and I had never in my life ever wanted to hit a girl until that moment. “Can we get back to this or do you plan to keep me waiting even longer?”

  I heard a loud gasp and my heart instantly sank because I knew the moment I looked back toward the door I would find the one person I didn’t want finding me in this predicament.

  My heart broke when I saw the look of hurt on her face.

  Both Megan and Lexi stood at Radley’s side. “You sure didn’t wait long, did you?” she said, doing everything she could do to hold back her emotions.

  “And to think I came over her to explain and talk this out. Guess I’m the idiot.” She spun around on her heels and left, leaving me behind to face Megan and Radley.

  “You’re an asshole,” Megan spat. “And you’re a fucking slut,” she said to Hope just before she, too, turned and left.

  All Radley could do was offer me a disappointing shake of his head as he backed out of the room and turned in the same direction.

  “Fuck,” I growled as I jerked back from Hope, hearing the fabric of my boxers strained against her tight hold. “Let go,” I said, no longer caring if she tore them.

  “Kole, just forget about her,” Hope began to protest as I started searching for my clothes. “Come to bed and I’ll help you forget all about whatever her name is.”

  “Her name is Lexi, but you fucking know that,” I threw back at her. “Get out, Hope!” She looked at me as if I was joking. “I said…Get the fuck out!” Hope rose from the bed grabbing her clothes and she walked out of my room, glaring back over her shoulder.

  Everything had just gotten a hell of a lot worse and I had to fix this shit.

  Chapter 32

  Lexi

  So this was what a true broken heart felt like. Now I understood why I tried to stay away from feeling like this. It’s miserable. I couldn’t stomach food, I couldn’t sleep without recurring nightmares of both what I had seen in Kole’s room and those of my past.

  Kole tried almost daily to make excuse after excuse as to why I found him in the situation I had. But nothing made it any better. I felt like a fool.

  I was miserable, because even though the idea of him and Hope together was the worst possible thing, I still missed him.

  My classes were almost pointless considering I could rarely focus. It didn’t matter how hard I focused, I couldn’t get my head wrapped around anything at all. I felt claustrophobic once I was sitting in a room filled with students and the professor started talking. It was like it was all closing in around me.

  Two days after I walked in on Kole and Hope in his bed, he showed up at my dorm with flowers. I chose to ignore him because at the moment I didn’t have the energy for a long dragged out talk, or
argument, for that matter. I later found the flowers sitting outside my door. Megan gathered them up and placed them on my desk and there they still sat a week later.

  And it was that same week that I decided it was time I made some changes. Time to make some decisions and move forward.

  Starting with my appearance.

  I spent two hours at Milly’s, a salon in town, and left feeling like a whole new me, at least on the outside.

  “Oh my God! That looks so hot. I can’t believe you cut it off.” Megan jumped up from the bed and moved toward me as I entered the dorm room. She lifted her hands and began running her fingers through my hair. I had once had hair so long it rested just at my waist and now it was gone.

  I had made a spur of the moment change.

  That once long hair now barely graced the top of my shoulders, with long layers. And to make it a little more drastic than just a cut, I also added some caramel highlights throughout my darker brown.

  My hair had not been my only change or addition.

  I flipped my wrist over and showed Megan and it was then Radley stood and moved in our direction. It was a simple small Chinese letter tattooed on my inner left wrist.

  “What does it mean?” Radley asked as he looked closely.

  “Strength,” I whispered. “I thought it was fitting. And I joined a support group for rape victims.” They both looked up at me and Megan’s eyes filled with tears almost instantly as she hugged me closely.

  “I’m so proud of you, Lex. That’s so great.”

  Radley gave me a one arm squeeze and I let my head fall to rest on his shoulder. “Thanks, guys. I’m ready to start healing myself. It’s long overdue.”

  I had my first group on Wednesday at the community center just off campus. I was nervous, but when I signed up I was told you talk when you are ready, otherwise you just listen. I slowly walked up the sidewalk and my hands were shaking badly. I had to take a few deep breaths before I pushed the door open, forcing myself to move forward. I was done hiding.

  The group consisted of about ten ladies and they appeared to range from teens to middle age women. We all introduced ourselves, whether this was our first session, or if we had been to group before. The counselor began talking about humiliation and feeling at fault for what had happened to us. She explained that these were all normal reactions. A few women shared their stories and I was surprised at the differences in each one.

  The youngest of the group was Natalie, only seventeen, and a victim of date rape when she was sixteen. She opened up so freely about her situation and I was amazed at her strength. I traced my fingers over the inner part of my wrist, remembering my recent tattoo’s meaning. I would get there. I made a promise to myself and I refused to give up.

  After my session ended I made a quick stop for gas and drove back to the dorms. I sat in my car for a few minutes just listening to the music play softly as I hummed along with the radio.

  It still hadn’t gotten easier.

  Missing him.

  Even when I did everything possible not to think about him, he was still there in my mind.

  Reaching up I flipped the visor down, finding the picture of Kole I had stashed there. That smile of his and those eyes still pulled heavily at my heart. I had allowed myself to fall in love with Kole.

  I closed my eyes and leaned my head back against the headrest, remembering the time before everything went crazy. Then it struck me that there was never truly a time when things weren’t crazy. Because even though Kole made me forget for a while the heavy hate I had in me, it was always still there. It was inside me and it was eating at me with each day that passed.

  When I finally made it up to my room I found it empty and I was thankful for the peace.

  As I looked around the room, the dry, brittle flowers Kole had left outside my room weeks ago, caught my attention.

  Taking in a deep breath I moved toward the desk and plucked the card that still remained unopened. I held it in my hand as I stared at my name printed in block letters on the front.

  LEXI

  I slowly slid my finger along the edge, opening the sealed envelope. Taking in a deep breath as I pulled out the card and flipped it over, I read the back.

  I know that no amount of flowers or apologies will change the way you feel right now. But I need you to know that what you saw wasn’t what it looked like. I don’t want Hope; I only want you. It was only a misunderstanding. Please just give me a chance to explain.

  Kole

  I couldn’t swallow past the thickness that was in my throat. I wanted to believe him, I did. Only right now I just didn’t think I had the fight in me.

  Chapter 33

  Kole

  “Hey, Kole, have you seen Lexi lately? I got to say, dude, the girl is looking real good.” Cody let out an appreciative whistle. “She changed her hair. Hell, I had to look twice before I figured out it was really her. I just got to say if you don’t fight for that girl…damn, you must be crazy.”

  Radley nodded his head, agreeing with Cody’s words.

  There really wasn’t a damn thing I could say to that. They were right. I should be fighting for Lexi, but I couldn’t force her. After seeing the way she looked at me when she found me and Hope broke my heart. I never wanted to be responsible for hurting her like that. She couldn’t even look at me when I brought her flowers. I didn’t have the first clue on how to fix this.

  How could I repair her broken heart? My love for her was just as strong as always, if not stronger, because losing her made me realize just how much I needed her.

  I missed her like crazy. I wished I had another chance to hold her and try to make this right again.

  I couldn’t sit here listening to them talk about Lexi, when seeing her was the only thing I needed. I pushed up off the couch and grabbed my keys.

  When I pulled up in front of Lexi’s dorm and saw her car in the lot, my heart raced anxiously. I drove here almost in a daze, thinking of the times she and I shared in the time we were together.

  Her gorgeous smile, and that laugh.

  Even though she pushed me away and wanted nothing to do with me, I still wanted her as much as I always had.

  I stood outside of her dorm room feeling as if this may have been a mistake. But I knew I had to see her, even if she told me to leave.

  Trying to gather the courage to knock, I lifted my hand and took in a deep breath.

  Stop being a pussy, Kole. Just do it.

  Knock…Knock

  I felt like such a fucking girl because when she opened the door, my knees felt weak. She had changed her hair, but she was still gorgeous and the way all the layers fell around her face just made her even more beautiful. I really didn’t think that was possible, but as I stood there in her doorway looking into her eyes, I felt it. She was definitely breathtaking.

  “Hey, baby, how are you?” It was all I could come up with as I watched her as if it had been years since I’d seen her.

  “Hi.”

  She looked so nervous, the way she raised her hand up and ran it through her hair just before tucking a strand behind her ear.

  I looked into Lexi’s beautiful eyes and the fact that she was offering me a smile without telling me to leave gave me a small spark of hope.

  And I don’t know what came over me, but I had such a strong urge to hold her, to feel her body against mine. Without a second thought, I reached out and wrapped my hand around her waist and pulled her close.

  The familiar sweet smell I had missed so much filled my nostrils as I rested my forehead against hers.

  “There is no way I could ever let you go,” I whispered. “Lexi, I am so in love with you and I’ve missed you so damn much.”

  I pulled back just enough to see the expression on her face, her silence scaring me. A look of indecisiveness covered her sweet face and it made my stomach ache.

  I knew if she asked me to leave I would. Even if inside it killed me, I would give her what she wanted.

  And just wh
en I thought she was about to do that very thing, she surprised me by lifting up on her tip toes and pressing her lips to mine.

  And for a moment, I was shocked as I stood there, allowing her lips to move against mine before I even responded.

  Her kiss was sweet and gentle. And I could feel her tears against my lips, which almost broke me.

  Lifting my hands I placed one on each side of her face and held her close, continuing the kiss for as long as she would allow me.

  When she did pull back, I wrapped my arms around her to keep her close. “I love you, Lexi, so much.” I may have been grasping at the moment, doing all I could to keep her focus on us, but I was so scared of her pushing me away. “I want you back and I’ll do whatever it takes to make that happen.”

  She leaned in and pressed her forehead to my chest, in order to hide her tears. Only I felt her body tremble against mine and it nearly broke me knowing she was still hurting

  “I love you too.” Her voice trembled with the words. “I miss you, Kole,” she cried into my neck.

  Hearing her say that she loved me made the ache inside me easier to accept. Though we were apart right then, though we would need time to heal, it gave me the hope that someday we could.

  She loved me…she fucking loved me. She missed me and she loved me. She pulled back to look at me. I hated to see her red, tear-stained face because I caused it. She was still beautiful, but it killed me when she cried. It gutted me to see her scared or sad. Her lower lip trembled and I just wanted to kiss it, but I held back.

  “You really hurt me, Kole.” Fuck, her words gutted me.

  “When I saw you with Hope, it broke my heart.” Her tears ran so heavy.