Nate

by Taryn Plendl

  Long after Ryke and I had found a new home, away from the abuse, I learned my looks could get me what I wanted. They said looks were only skin-deep though. I had no doubt those words were true, because underneath my flawless looks, I was hollow and empty.

  My dad had made sure of that a long time ago.

  Unfortunately, I fell for a girl who would never even see me.

  “Morning.” Silas strode into the barn at dawn.

  His frown made me wonder if he’d caught wind of the cluster-fuck with Shiloh. My body tensed, my muscles aching as if I’d dead-lifted a horse. For more years than not, nightmares had been a part of my life. They came and went, sometimes worse than others. I’d had a pretty good respite from them until last night, and the fact I’d fucking hit Shiloh in the process left me reeling. The scene circled my mind on instant replay.

  “What’s going on, Si?” Ryke stepped slightly in front of me as if he needed to protect me.

  “Just got a call from Wilson. A section of the north fence is down, probably from the last storm.”

  Silas went on to explain what the neighbor had told him, but my mind checked out. Relief flooded my body, causing my shoulders to sag. Thankful. I was thankful Shiloh hadn’t told Si what happened. At least not yet. I needed to get my shit together before I could deal with the backlash.

  “So we need someone to work on it, possibly stay the night in the field.” Silas offering the chance to avoid the whole situation seeped into my brain, and before I knew what I was volunteering for, I spoke up.

  “I’ll go.”

  “Nate?” Ryke questioned, his voice dripping with apprehension.

  “I could use the fresh air.” I didn’t look in my brother’s direction. I didn’t need to. His concern was palpable. Truth was, I needed to get away. I had no idea what to say to Shiloh right now, and I was too raw.

  “Great!” Silas’s palm clapped my shoulder. “Let’s get your supplies loaded.”

  Spinning on my heel, I quickly followed behind him, doing what I did best. Escaping without dealing.

  S H I L O H

  My morning was busy, and the distractions were welcome. My three students, two boys and a girl, came for a meet and greet after lunch. We toured the barn, and I introduced them to some of the horses.

  Blind since birth, Marc and Kyle had a pretty good grasp on moving around. Their energy was unstoppable. Marc was eleven and Kyle was eight, and they were both eager to learn more about the horses and ride. They were going to be a breeze.

  The fifteen-year-old girl, on the other hand, was a different story. Lauren had lost her sight after a freak whitewater rafting accident. The knock to the head when she fell out of the raft caused swelling on her brain, which in turn crushed her occipital nerve. Everyone hoped the loss was temporary, but after nine months, the doctors feared it to be permanent.

  The message behind her clipped answers were loud and clear. She didn’t want to be here, and I’d venture a guess she would rather hide in her room and wallow in self pity. I knew this because I’d felt the same way. Despite her surly attitude, I was eager to work with her. Cases such as hers were the reason I went into counseling. My job wasn’t easy, but if I could help these kiddos, it would be so worth it.

  “How’d it go?” Mira spoke from my right side as I leaned against the paddock rails.

  “Good. Really good. I’m excited to get started if that makes sense.”

  “It does. I felt the same way when I was getting my first group. Heck, I still do.” She chuckled softly. The happy sound was good for my own mood. “Hey, I meant to ask earlier, what happened to your lip?”

  “Just bumped into something.” I shrugged, hoping it didn’t look too bad, but the swelling was obviously noticeable. “You know me. Blind girl problems.” Mira ignored my quip. Fortunately, she’d witnessed too many of my graceful failures over the years.

  “Hey, what do you know about Nate’s background?” I was struggling with the way he had dismissed me so quickly the night before. After his moaning and thrashing woke me out of a deep sleep, things had escalated so fast I hardly had time to react. Whatever he was dreaming about must’ve been bad.

  “I honestly don’t know a lot.” Mira took a deep breath and sighed. “I’m pretty sure Silas does, but he always says it’s Nate’s story to tell. I do know he and Ryke went into the foster system around third grade. They were raised by a couple who ran a horse farm in Oklahoma.”

  “Hmm.” I pondered the little information Mira shared. “By the way, where is he today?” I’d hoped to talk to him, but hadn’t crossed paths with him at all.

  “He’s out repairing a fence in the North field. He’ll probably stay out there tonight and come back tomorrow.”

  “Do they do that often?” I knew the ranch was big, but it was hard to wrap my mind around it. My rides had barely scratched the surface.

  “If they need to fix something far out. It’s fun. We should go with them sometime,” Mira suggested.

  “Yeah, I’m not sure sticking a blind person in a large open space away from home is the best thing to do.” I shook my head at the idea. “I have a hard time maintaining my dignity as it is without trying to find a bush to pee behind.” We both giggled at the thought.

  “You’re probably right. Maybe we’ll have a spa day next time they’re gone,” Mira said.

  “Now you’re talking!”

  “That’s it, girl.” I coaxed Melody into her stall, offering her a peppermint when she got through the door. Sleep had evaded me, and I’d decided an early morning ride was what I needed. Melody and I had spent a couple of hours in the paddock doing our thing before I brought her back and hosed her down.

  Steps at the end of the barn had me turning in that direction. With the sun shining, I saw the shadows of a horse and a person, and without confirmation, I knew it was Nate.

  “Morning, Cowboy,” I greeted as he approached. My tone was far more confident than I felt.

  “Hey.” His flat, emotionless voice made my heart drop.

  “I’d like to talk to you.” I clutched my hands behind my back so he wouldn’t see me wringing my fingers.

  “Isn’t that what we’re doing?”

  “Nate, please?”

  His deep inhale and exhale told me he was nervous, too, although knowing it did very little to calm my nerves.

  “Give me five minutes. I need to get Echo settled and then I’ll be out.”

  As he shuffled past me, I unfolded my cane and made my way to the paddock.

  Heavy footsteps behind me made my heart race. I sensed his presence even though he hadn’t touched me or spoken yet. The scent of dirt and sweat wasn’t unpleasant. In fact, I found it almost intoxicating, and wasn’t that quite the surprise?

  “How did the fence come together?” I asked, trying to open up the conversation on a light note.

  “Good. It was a pretty big break. Several boards needed replacing, but it’s in good shape now.” He fell silent, scuffing his boot against the dirt. When he spoke again, I jumped. “Listen, Shiloh, I don’t think we should hook up again.” Nate’s words felt like a stab.

  “Come on, Nate. Don’t do this. Just talk to me. Tell me what happened. Do you have nightmares often?”

  “Naw, that was nothing. I was actually dreaming I was playing ball for the Rockies. I hit a double and was running my ass off.” His joke was out of place and awkward, frustrating me enough to consider kicking him.

  “Nate, be serious. We can work through this.”

  “Shiloh, are you offering me counseling services?” His gruff chuckle was bitter. “And here I am without a couch.” The way he downplayed everything made me sad.

  “I’m not counseling you. I just wish you’d open up to me.”

  This stubborn man had no intention of letting go of the obvious demons he was dealing with. Sometimes people lived so long with their own tragic memories they couldn’t see a life without them.

  “Let it go, Shiloh. It was nothing.”
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br />   I might not have seen the fear in his eyes when he woke from his nightmare, but I’d felt it to my core in his ragged breath and tortured screams.

  Unfortunately, I wasn’t the type to let someone who was hurting go. The connection between us was real. In my heart, I knew it, and he did, too. Letting him walk away without being honest wasn’t an option.

  “Don’t you think I’m scared to open up to someone, Nate? Every day of my life, I try to prove I’m capable when I feel just the opposite. I’ve spent many years trying to fix what’s broken inside me. As much as I want to, I can’t take what’s broken inside of you and make you ready to walk the hard road if you aren’t willing to try. Your jokes will only take you so far, but I want more for you, more for me, and more for us.”

  His soft gasp registered in my ears much louder than I was sure he intended. “There can’t be an us, Shiloh. Hell, how am I supposed to take care of someone who’s blind? I can’t even keep my own shit together.”

  Anger welled, driving my feet forward until my chest bumped his, like a teenage boy fueled by testosterone. “Don’t you dare,” I ground out, teeth clenched. “You don’t get to make this about me, Nate. You need to own your own shit. My blindness is mine, and you don’t get to make it yours. I’ve never asked anyone to take care of me.” Spinning on my heels, I set off in what I hoped was the direction of the barn. After a few steps, my foot caught on a rock, sending me tumbling to the ground.

  “God dammit!” I hollered in complete frustration.

  “Shiloh!” The footsteps behind me had me throwing my hand up as I scrambled to my feet.

  “Don’t touch me, Nate,” I warned as I pulled myself up.

  “But you’re bleeding.”

  When my legs were steady, I brought my cane in front of me and marched forward in a much more calculated pace.

  “Shiloh, wait!”

  “Fuck you, Nate!” I croaked. Hot, angry tears streamed down my cheeks. My face plant had sure done a great job of proving I didn’t need someone taking care of me. The walk to the barn felt like the longest of my life. As soon as I made it on the other side of the doors, I pressed my back against the solid wood and slid down until my ass was firmly on the ground.

  “Shiloh?” Ryke’s gentle voice didn’t even startle me. “Can I bandage your knee?”

  Not trusting my voice, I nodded.

  The pain of my injury didn’t register until it was brought to my attention. I was usually so busy pretending my bumps and falls were no big deal, that the fact I might have been hurt took the back burner. Now that I was aware of it, the stinging and wetness dripping down my leg was front and center.

  “Here.” A soft cloth hit my palm. A handkerchief. Ryke was a true gentleman.

  “Thank you,” I whispered, wiping the tears from my face before softly blowing my nose.

  “This might sting,” Ryke warned, seconds before cold liquid set my leg on fire.

  “Is it bad?” I asked.

  “Not really. I think your jeans are shot, though.” His movements were confident as he applied the bandage.

  “Damn.” I sucked in a jagged breath. “These are one of my favorite pairs.”

  “All set,” Ryke stated as a box clapped shut.

  “Thank you, Ryke.” The bandage pulled my skin as I pushed to my feet and brushed the dirt and straw from the seat of my pants.

  “Your cane is to your right. Do you need help?”

  My fingers trailed across the grain of the wood until I found it. “Thank you, I think I’m good now. I’m just going to head to the house and change. Thanks again.”

  I navigated around the door, my steps careful and calculated. My knee wasn’t the only thing bruised and battered.

  “Shiloh?” Ryke’s voice stopped me. “He’s a good guy, and I’m not just saying this because he’s my brother. He’s got a lot of shit to get past. Please, don’t give up on him.” Retreating footsteps told me Ryke, the man of few words, had moved on.

  My insides felt raw and exposed. Though my heart continued beating, it felt like an ice-cold vise was squeezing it. The counselor in me wanted to run to Nate, try to help him overcome his demons. The woman in me wanted to curl up with a quart of Ben and Jerry’s and cry myself to sleep.

  As my feet cleared the threshold of the front door, my decision was made for me.

  “Oh, honey, you look like you could use some cookies and milk.” Caroline’s motherly voice wrapped around me like a hug.

  “Oh, Caroline, you have no idea.”

  N A T E

  I wanted to take Shiloh’s words as truth, but that wasn’t a gamble I could make. A traumatized sense of who I was, left me searching for acceptance in all the wrong places, again and again. What if she decided I wasn’t enough? What if I opened myself to possibilities with this woman, and she tore me down? How would I recover when I was still dealing with my past?

  In the end, self-preservation won, and the first woman I’d felt more than fleeting lust for walked away.

  I was a fucking coward.

  After the coast was clear, I holed up in the barn cleaning tack. At the rate I was going, the equipment would be spotless. My muscles burned from the repeated rubbing of the leather as I oiled new life into it. When I finished the ranch gear, I took particular care with Shiloh’s, mindful to put everything back exactly the way it had been.

  Exhaustion overtook me. I stepped out of the room, not sure where I was headed or what my next task was.

  “You done hiding?” Ryke startled me as he stepped out from one of the stalls.

  “Don’t do that, asshole!” I shook my arms, working through the shot of adrenaline coursing through my body. “And I wasn’t hiding.”

  “Bullshit, Nate. Don’t think I don’t know you volunteered to go out in the field to get away, and don’t fucking pretend you ever put that much effort into cleaning the damn tack.” His hand gestured to the room behind me.

  “Was she hurt?” Deceiving Ryke was impossible, so I stopped trying.

  “Yes, but I venture to say the cut on her knee wasn’t what was hurting her.” Ryke crossed his arms over his chest, making him seem so much bigger than me. How were we twins?

  “I can’t, Ryke.” I all but fell to my ass on a bale of hay, rubbing my hands over my face. The clean scent of lemon oil was the only thing I was enjoying right then.

  “Why not, Nate? You like this girl. That hasn’t been the case before.”

  “You know why. Shit, you saw what I did during my nightmare. I hurt her.” Why was it so hard for my brother to understand why I needed to separate myself?

  “Nate, you didn’t hit her on purpose. It was an accident. She wasn’t hurt bad.”

  “This time,” I ground out. “I’m done talking about this, Ryke.” Pushing myself up from the hay bale, I stalked toward the doors.

  “Nate?” Ryke’s voice was calm, just like always.

  Stopping, I hung my head. I was so tired of going over this.

  “Be ready to go out tonight by six.”

  A relieved exhale flooded out of my lungs. “Thank you.”

  Some of the off-sight ranch hands joined us at Bill’s, and the conversation grew louder with each round of drinks. My surly mood kept my usual prospects away, not that I was interested. A random hookup was the last thing on my mind.

  I was having a hard time seeing a way out of the dead end I was in. Emotions were never a part of who I was. I’d learned over the years to drive them down deep rather than dealing with them. A superficial good time was all I’d ever been after. It worked for me. Or at least it did until recently.

  “Hey, Si just showed up.” One of the guys pointed to where Silas spoke with one of the locals. I tossed back the last of my beer and almost choked the second Mira and Shiloh appeared behind him.

  “You okay, brother?” Ryke whacked my back several times before aiming his gaze in the direction of mine. A slow whistle left his lips, and then a chuckle when he caught the glare I threw him.

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sp; “Fuck me.” Shaking my head, I did my best not to lose my shit. Every male patron was shamelessly checking out Shiloh. If this was the way her night started, I had a feeling I was going to be in a bar brawl by the end.

  The woman was devastatingly gorgeous. I loved her in pink, but that color didn’t hold a candle to the way she looked in red. And her legs? Damn. The small bandage on her knee took nothing away from her sexiness. Her denim skirt was short enough to make her legs look long enough to climb, yet long enough to leave something to the imagination. My problem was I knew exactly what was under that skirt, and I wanted more of it. Lifting my beer bottle, I attempted to drink before remembering it was empty.

  “Need another?” I asked Ryke as I slid my chair back and stood. With my brother’s order, I made my way through the crowd to the bar, my eyes never straying from Shiloh. My only saving grace was that she couldn’t catch me staring at her like a loon.

  With her head tilted to listen to what Mira was saying, she was adorable. Red lips parted in a small smile as she ran a delicate hand through her soft blonde curls. My chest rose and fell with quick breaths from watching her do nothing more than shift from one foot to the other.

  An ache filled me when I thought about how I wouldn’t get the chance to be with her again. What brought me the most disappointment wasn’t that I wouldn’t get to be with her sexually. No, it was more than that. When I was around her, I liked who I was. She challenged me and had no problem putting me in my place. But the fault I’d created between us was so large, I had no idea how to close it.

  The three of them moved toward our table. Shiloh linked her arm with Mira’s as they navigated the crowd. I added drinks for them to my order and made my way back.

  Setting the five bottles down on the table with a subtle clank, I slid them to everyone.

  “An unopened Fat Tire.” I placed it next to Shiloh’s fingers, close enough she could feel it and find it without a problem.