Deadgirl

by B. C. Johnson

  “Are you okay?” she asked me, not terribly concerned-sounding.

  “Yeah, sorry. Just a catch. Um, he had gone into shock, after being knocked out by Abraham. But he’s okay too. Then, they took us out of the room. All of our parents were there. Even my dad, who—”

  “Abraham had drugged?” she interrupted.

  “Attacked, actually,” I said. “Abraham had attacked my dad in the parking lot. Apparently Dad can’t remember. Head injury.”

  I tried to keep my voice steady. My dad had been just fine. Shaky, confused, with no memory of running into me. But just fine. A miracle.

  “Right, right,” Crane said. “How were your parents?”

  “Very…grateful. And very parent-y. They sort of took turns hugging me or holding me the rest of the night. Mom even slept in my bed that night. Pretty funny, huh?”

  Crane shrugged. Apparently not funny.

  “And Morgan’s mom was there,” I said. “And her boyfriend. Morgan’s mom’s boyfriend, I mean, Morgan doesn’t—”

  “Right, right,” Crane said again. “What happened with the police?”

  “They asked my story,” I said. “When everything had settled. I told them what I told you. The old man…Abraham, had pulled up a car outside of Benny’s house—”

  “Ben Krakowski? The boy who threw the party?”

  I nodded sharply, a little annoyed at her interruptions. “Yeah. The old man pulled up in a car outside of Benny’s. He seemed kinda weird, but harmless. He came out and asked us how to get to the 91. Then he hit Zack in the head with something in his hand. Grabbed him. Said if me and Morgan didn’t get in the car he’d kill Zack. He drugged us…I guess he left Zack and Morgan, left them on the lawn. Then he, uh, he took me.”

  I folded my hands over my lap. I plucked at my skirt, trying to make it settle properly across my knees.

  “Right, right,” Crane said. She fiddled with the silver comb holding her hair up in a loose bun. “Then he drugged you?”

  “Mmm-hmm,” I said.

  “How do you feel now? Any after-effects?”

  I frowned a little at her, but she wasn’t looking. Kept staring at that spot on the wall.

  “No, fine, thanks,” I said.

  “How’d you get into the hospital? In Morgan’s room?”

  I took a shallow breath. “Well. I woke up in Abraham’s car. It was in the parking lot. I guess he was crazy enough to come back again and try to check on Zack and Morgan. I guess he had to…admire his work or something. Anyway I woke up and went in.”

  “And you remember nothing? Where he took you, while you were drugged?”

  “No.”

  “Did he—?”

  “No.”

  “I assume the police. They sometimes collect evidence—”

  “No. They asked. I told them no. I don’t feel like—nothing had changed. He hadn’t done anything to me.”

  Crane paused for a long time. I stared at her plump but attractive face, trying to read some sign of emotion. She and Officer Sykes would have gotten along well, I realized. Probably did, during their robot maintenance sessions.

  “You’re a very lucky and unlucky girl, Ms. Day. Anyone ever tell you that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Attacked, twice in two weeks,” she said, and ticked off a finger. “Two unrelated incidents. Unlucky. But you made it through both okay. With barely a scratch to show for it. Lucky.”

  I frowned.

  “What are you saying?”

  “What do you think I’m saying?”

  Ugh. Maddening.

  “I really don’t know,” I said.

  In the distance, muffled by a couple doors, I heard the loud electronic beep of the bell. Looks like my head shrinking would have to wait until tomorrow. Crane turned to face me. She smiled, stood up, and held her hand out. I reached forward and shook it, lightly. I tried to turn, but she didn’t let go. She didn’t tug or grab my hand—she held just enough that I’d have to yank my hand and look like a freak to get away.

  “Do you understand why I’m asking you these questions?”

  “To help me…express myself?”

  “In a way,” she said. “I’m trying to get you to slip up. You’re a fine liar, Lucy Day, but you’re not one of the greats. You’re going to slip up—your stories don’t make that much sense to begin with.”

  I drew up. I pressed my lips into a thin line.

  “Then what?” I asked her, coldly. “I’m in trouble, huh?”

  “No,” Crane said, and unbelievably, gave me a little tight smile. “Then you’ll start telling the truth. And then, only then, will you finally be out of trouble. Do you understand?”

  I cleared my throat. I let out a sigh. She let go of my hand. I picked up my backpack, slung it over my shoulder, and headed for the door.

  “Goodbye, Ms. Crane.”

  “Goodbye, Ms. Day.”

  I walked out of her office, out of the counseling center, and into the chilly winter air. The sun, high in the sky, tried its best to shine through the thick layer of gray clouds. It reminded me of somewhere else. A place even more Grey. I shivered, and pulled my jacket tighter around me.

  My meetings with Ms. Crane had started up again, the Monday I had come back. Just a little vacation, I thought. Just a day to recover from the nightmare. I’d spent all of it at home—no surprise there. Mom and Dad wouldn’t even let me in a room alone, much less go out anywhere. I don’t know if I was grounded—it wasn’t malicious enough to be called that. I was…umbilicaled.

  My meeting with Crane—Wednesday, had been scheduled for sixth period. I’d missed Math…oh no. However will I make it through the day?

  That thought brightened up my day considerably. Crane’s pointed questions, not so much. There wasn’t much I could do to get her off my back. I’d just endure it, I guess, until she got bored and gave up. Part of me thought that might take a while.

  Morgan found me in a matter of minutes. Walking—slowly—toward the parking lot, doing my best to linger, I saw her jog around the corner of the portables, from the gym. She had a jacket on, too. It was nice to know the cold wasn’t just—well, wasn’t something else.

  “Hey,” she said, and slowed down. She walked the last ten feet to me.

  “How was volleyball?”

  “Eh,” she said. “I think I’m gonna quit soon.”

  I nodded. It should have surprised me, but it didn’t. Ever since Friday she had looked terrible. Her eyes were dark and sunken, like she hadn’t had much sleep. Her skin pasty, a little greasy. Her usually coiffed hair instead pulled into a tight ponytail behind her. A little dingy looking. Haunted.

  “Sorry,” I said, and I wasn’t talking about volleyball. I’d probably apologized to her a hundred times. I still wasn’t sure what I was apologizing for.

  She shrugged.

  “How was Crane?”

  “Nancy Drew would be proud.”

  “That’s not good,” she said, softly.

  “It’s over,” I insisted. “Over.”

  We walked on, and near the gate to the parking lot, I saw Wanda and Daphne and Sara, waving to me. Morgan held a hand up, and I did the same. They glanced at each other, as if debating something. Then they waved again and walked off. They hadn’t exactly been avoiding us…I hoped they were just giving us a little space.

  “How’s your mom?”

  Morgan shrugged. “I thought she would freak worse…I went to a party while I was grounded.”

  “Yeah, well, mortal peril does wonders on the mother-daughter relationship. I highly recommend it.”

  She laughed a little at that. That little laugh gave me some hope. For us. For her.

  “How’s Zack?”

  I rubbed my face. “I don’t know. He’s been…distant. Really weird. Like—”

  “Stop.”

  “What?”

  Morgan looked behind me, hard. My eyes popped open, and I rotated on my heel. Zack. Jogging toward us. Morgan tapped me
on the shoulder, waved to Zack, and walked off toward my mom’s car. I waited for Zack to approach me, trying not to burst into a terrified run in the opposite direction.

  “Hey, Luce,” he said, and slowed down.

  “Hi,” I said.

  “Would it be possible to meet you somewhere? Tonight, I mean?”

  I glanced toward my mom’s car.

  “I really doubt it. Not the way they’ve been.”

  “Nowhere? Not for coffee or…anything?”

  I clutched my hands together.

  “I don’t—”

  “It’s…important.”

  “How important?” I said, trying to be playful. I failed miserably.

  “Very. The most.”

  I looked toward my mom’s car again. The Goblin mobile.

  “I’ll try,” I said. “I’ll call you.”

  Zack nodded, turned, and walked off again. Not a word. Not a goodbye. He looked nervous…not half as nervous as I felt. My body was buzzing with electricity. The walk to my car took forever, or no time at all.

  We went home. Mom followed me from the living room, up to my room—she helped me find clothes to change into. Luckily she didn’t follow me into the bathroom—I washed my face—but she was right there, sitting on my bed pretending to rifle through a copy of Bust magazine. She escorted me downstairs, then into the kitchen, where she made me sit down while she fixed me an after school snack.

  I didn’t think much. I couldn’t. Because my thoughts were for Zack, and they were jumbled, nerve-wracking, and poison-tipped. I knew they would take me down if I let them. If I tried to guess or speculate or wonder. Or think. Thinking was the worst.

  Mom handed me a paper plate with a peanut butter and honey sandwich on it. She sat down next to me with an identical sandwich. She asked me about my day, and I told her enough boring things to make her stop asking. I wasn’t hungry, which was no surprise nowadays, but I devoured the sandwich quickly. The trick I’d learned from Puck seemed to be helping—the more I forced myself to eat, the more I showered, the more I went to the bathroom when I didn’t have to, the slower I burned away. Mundane anchors, props for pretending.

  Other than stealing a little sorrow from Mom and Dad, something I hoped was a blessing, I’d lived mostly off the residual heat from Zack. Maybe I can do this, I thought. Maybe I can nip and peck. Maybe I can make it.

  I went into the living room to find something on TV—with Mom—and plopped into the cushions with wild abandon. Halfway through an old episode of 30 Rock my cellphone beeped. I glanced at my Mom—she looked at me with terror disguised as good-natured curiosity. I took my cellphone out and wasn’t surprised to see Zack’s name. I punched ignore. I put the phone back in my pocket.

  “Well?” Mom asked.

  “Well,” I said, and took a deep breath.

  “What?”

  “I kind of need to know the limits of our arrangement here.”

  “We have an arrangement?” Mom asked her eyes wide with fake-innocence.

  “I need to know what it would take to meet Zack for coffee somewhere.”

  Mom’s lips twisted.

  About forty-five minutes later, I walked up the handicap ramp toward the front of the Starbucks just down the street. It wasn’t hard to find Zack—I spotted him through the window. Hell, I didn’t even need to use my eyes to find him anymore. Part of him still lived in me, just a gentle banked coal now, but still there. I went inside, took a brief stop at the counter to order a drink that was more dessert than coffee, and then sat down across from Zack at a little square table. The Starbucks was blissfully empty. Probably a first.

  Zack gave a little, strained smile, and glanced out the window. He looked back at me and shook his head.

  “That’s your arrangement?”

  I followed his gaze out the window. My dad’s car was parked just outside of the coffee shop—I could barely make out the faces of Mom and Dad, staring at us through the windshield. I turned to Zack, my lips turned in a playful smirk.

  “What?”

  He shook his head and snorted. “Nothing. Makes perfect sense, actually.”

  We talked a little, about nothing. Well, maybe not nothing—comparing the lies we’d told the cops, which had been pretty damn close without even having to coach each other. And what had happened with our parents. Zack’s father had berated him for the better part of a day about handling situations like old crazy guys in cars, but after that had become almost as smotheringly defensive as my parents.

  We didn’t talk about Abraham. We didn’t talk about the Grey Meadows. We didn’t talk about Puck—who I had seen only briefly since, standing outside of the hospital as my parents were taking me home. He was fine, just a long silhouette in the shadows of a tree, one tweed-clad arm raised in a half-wave. That vivid red scarf at his neck, whipping in the gentle breeze, the outline of his crazy static-shocked hair glowing with the dim yellow arc-sodium light. A smile on his face, both happy and sad. Reserved.

  We didn’t talk about what happened in the train, while I was recruiting Ophelia. I’d spoken with Morgan already about that, and she’d told me a horrible story about their train, surrounded and under siege by those twisted, jerking corpses. They pounded and moaned and whispered things…Morgan barely got through the story. She’d told me that something in Abraham’s light, when he’d tried to erase me, had revivified Zack. And her, too, when we moved to her room. At least, that had been Puck’s explanation.

  Our small talk expended, Zack stared at me across the table, I couldn’t help but shift uncomfortably under the gaze.

  I couldn’t bear the wait. He wasn’t speaking, and his eyes drifted between mine and the table in front of him. Finally I reached across the table, my staked-out parents be damned, and squeezed his hand.

  He flinched. I let go.

  “What’s going on?” I asked him. I felt a hitch in my throat.

  He looked down at the table.

  “I had to see you,” he said. “In person.”

  I felt the color run out of my face, and I felt a cold trickle drip into my stomach. His face, so handsome, yet pale and drawn. He looked like a man about to vomit, or maybe one who just had.

  “I—”

  “What is this?” I asked him. He was beginning to blur. The entire Starbucks was beginning to blur.

  “I don’t know,” he said. “When I woke up in the hospital room—”

  “That’s over,” I said. I tightened my jaw. I tried to swallow, but it was like downing a fistful of dry crackers, “Stop. That’s over now. All of that is over—”

  “It’s not that…it’s not what happened. It’s not Abraham or post-traumatic stress or fear or anything like that—”

  “How do you know?” I asked him. I blinked, trying to clear away the sudden blur. “It’s only been a few days.”

  Zack took a deep breath. His eyes hadn’t left the table. He hunched forward, like he was exhausted. His shoulders were rounded, his arms tucked in. He smelled good. I could smell him from across the table. It made it worse.

  “I—something changed. I look at you,” he said, though he didn’t. “And I see you. You’re still beautiful, you still crinkle your forehead when you’re thinking…still smile—”

  “—like a little girl?” I prompted, and he nodded, a tiny heartbreaking smile tugging the corner of his lips.

  “You’re funny and smart and perfect,” he said. I closed my eyes. “But I don’t…I can’t feel you anymore. It’s like looking at picture—like you’re not there.”

  “Because…because of—”

  “No,” he said. “It’s not what happened to you. More like, what happened to me. I— I’m sorry.”

  “Are you saying you feel nothing?” I said. The barest breath, like someone whispering two tables down. I opened my eyes but I couldn’t see anything but wet shapes.

  Zack said nothing. He folded his hands on the table, right over the spot he was staring at. He wasn’t crying. He looked upset, and terrified
, and guilty but—he wasn’t shaking. Not like I was. Not shivering, not clutching my own hands. Not on the edge of a hysteria I couldn’t control. Not like the floor had just dropped out.

  “I’ve never been kissed like how you kissed me that day,” I said, suddenly, pathetically. My voice sounded stretched, tinny, weak. “That wasn’t nothing. You’re goddamn kiss brought me back from the dead.”

  Zack shifted in his seat.

  “I loved you that day, Lucy,” Zack said, in the barest whisper. “I don’t think I’ll ever love anything like I loved you that day.”

  Zack closed his eyes.

  “What about today?” I asked him. I didn’t have to.

  “Lucy—”

  “What about today, Zack?” I said, louder. A few of the employees turned our way, and Zack shifted again. Good. Great. I hoped the world could hear me.

  “Please. I don’t want—”

  “What. About. Today. Zack?”

  Zack shook his head. He looked up at me, and his face raged more than I gave him credit. His eyes shined with tears, making them look even more like lapis lazuli, and his lips were thin and pale. He locked my eyes with his and would not let go. In those eyes, I saw pity, and remorse, and fear, and guilt. But not sadness. Not gut wrenching loss. He sucked in a breath. It caught in his throat.

  “Nothing.”

  I stood up, slowly, and everything seemed louder, and brighter. My chair scraped across the tile floor, and it could have been an entire desk being dragged. I could hear strained whispering behind the counter. The light from outside dazzled me.

  When I saw just how badly my hands were shaking, I tucked them into the pockets of my jacket. I looked down at Zack. He looked up at me.

  “Please, Luce, don’t go.”

  I felt my body convulse in a sob, and I touched my lips to hold it in. I wasn’t going to do this. Not there. I wasn’t going to break down. I growled, low in my throat, trying to find some well of resolve or willpower or strength, inside of me. I dug deep for sterner stuff, even as it felt like my guts were shriveling away.

  Zack felt nothing for me.

  I turned and walked out the door, as gently as I could, as deliberately as I could. I watched my hand, still shaking, unfold from the jacket pocket, reach forward, and grasp the door handle—a robotic gesture, the movement stilted, unnatural. I opened the door and walked, step by step, to the car. I thought only of my feet moving, of my steps carrying me away.